Monday, December 31, 2007

Just Cause She's So Damn Cute...

I can't stop looking at the pics on the fridge....

(Image removed by ISO(In)Sanity)

Oh, God, they are saying that referrals are coming again...I'm sorry, but I can't help but be a little pissed off. (OK, a lot!) When I hear this...that more babies are coming, and China still doesn't know I want my baby yet! I feel so left behind. Others from our referral month not only have TAs, but travel dates. And because of our agency's incompetance, we don't even have our acceptances back yet.


I have to wash my brain of it - we've gotten our acceptance back, that's all I can do...and learn another lesson of patience. I just hope they go back this week. If January people travel before us, I'm going to lose it. Totally. Completely.


I just don't feel like I'm close to H at all!

Happy New Year everyone. Here's hoping to a much better 2008!

Friday, December 28, 2007

Trying To Hold My Anger

I won't even go into the starting-to-get-fidgety about our paperwork waiting to go back to China. Our agency pushed us into the holidays, and of course, being the holidays, it's going to take longer than normal for all the acceptances to get signed by everyone. Frustating, but totally expected, and I knew it was going to happen...even if we don't go till March, at least I have a baby...she'll be a toddler by the time my agency gets off their duff, but I'll still have a few years before she goes off to college.

OK, so what brought me out of my silence to really piss and moan? Is it a shock?! No, not at all - it's P's relatives. They are rude, and inconsiderate, and IMHO, totally self-centered. My shower is the weekend after next. 8 of them were invited. Technically, I was going to invite 12 of them, but the one Aunt never bothered to call me back with the addys of her daughters and DILs, so we sent one invite to her....so, there was that first indiscretion.

Do you know how many have called back?!?!

1

ONE

Ok, if that's too hard to do the math on - that's 12.5% of the sample group, if I can do division in my head correctly.

Uno
Yi
Eins

Yes, that's it. His Aunt?! I had to call her and she was all like "Oh, I had my carpet redone in the living room, and it was 35 years old but it was wool, and I feel bad getting rid of it, cause wool carpet is worth so much nowadays." And I bought a new sofa too, so I was waaaaay too busy to bother to make a 5 minute phone call...can you be a dear and tell your friend that I'm coming?!

It takes that much of your life to buy a sofa? How long does it take you to order take out?

And the rest of them? Do you know how many showers, weddings, baby welcome home partys etc that we've been to? That we've driven 2-5 hours out of our way to attend? That we've gifted generously because we want to be nice people?!

Don't make me show you how many bothered to call by holding my fingers up...you really don't want that visual.

And they can't even bother to call my friend and tell her if they have to make sure there is punch and pie for a few more mouths.

I know it's French, but you don't need to understand French to understand the little letters "R", "S", "V", and "P".

(These letters brought to you today by that little cocaine sniffer Elmo)

Let's see how I'm condemed the next time I don't show up for a 1 year old's bday party. Because, it'll be when I'm in China (for the 1st bday of a non-RSVP'ers kiddo at that too), and we'd be bad people if we didn't make sure that we could attend, cause that's how his family rolls. It's all about them.

Just proves it: friends so many more times becomes more important to our children's lives than family.

And worse, I'm embarrassed. My 2 friends are doing this for me. They are taking time, and money and effort to celebrate H coming home. And now my in-laws can't even make it a smidge easier for them.

How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?

Have a good New Years everyone...be safe, have fun, leave me messages. You guys are infinetly cooler than some other people I know!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Big Baby & Dim Sum

I was going to finish my step-mom's scrapbook today for Christmas, and then P reminded me that awhile ago we had talked of doing our Christmas today! Think he could have reminded me earlier! (Of course, I should have remembered too...)

Sooooo....
P and I started a new tradition today: We went thru a blinding, blowing snowstorm to our most favorite Chinese restaurant in the world and had AMAZING dim sum. We've gotten dim sum from there before, but we've usually picked up our few favorites on top of our other favorites from there. I've been going to this place since I was about 10 - a total of 23 years, I realized!!!

We had shanghai pork buns, bbq pork buns, spring rolls, fried green beans, bean paste skin with pork, onion pancake, shrimp toast, and giant sesame rolls and steamed coconut rolls for dessert. (Don't worry, I'm not going to eat dinner...or breakfast...or lunch, tomorrow!)

The lovely woman who owns the restaurant has known about our adoption, so I showed her the pics of H. Her first response (the same as the rest of our Chinese friends, actually!): Ohhhhh....big healthy baby! She's soooooo big! She's a big big baby. Lucky baby. She will be large and tall, taller than us Cantonese. She has big bones. You know, she'll like spicy food. She's such a big baby!

Then she went on to tell us that we have to adopt again (after I assured her that we will not get pregnant now), because one baby is "stressful and troubling." Huuuummmmmm....P can't deny me now, the woman who feeds us well has told us we have to do this again!

Now, what do I have to do?!? Cram and jam on one pet scrapbook before 4 pm tomorrow.

Oh, and the IA doc said I had a "bruiser-ette" baby. I guess H isn't the petite tiny baby I imagined for the last 2 years! She's still completely perfect....

Next year, we'll be ordering dim sum for three...

Friday, December 21, 2007

Limited Time Engagement

Here's our daughter, our beautiful, smart, funny, engaging, independent daughter! (Amazing we can tell that all from a few small pics, huh?)


(Picture removed by ISO(In)Sanity)

We're in luv!

P and I wish all of you the most happiest and wonderful Christmas! May your holidays be filled with love, happiness, good times and hope!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

We've Got Her!

We've got her file! Finally! We've got everything, and we've signed everything...we're officially Mama and Baba...

She's beautiful, introverted and watchful, protests loudly if she feels aggreived, likes to play with bright toys, has a crib mate or crib neighbor she's attached to...

Gotta go get doctor reviews and such - I'll post more later! Oh, yeah, and our agency has to answer back why some translations are missing - the "top-notch" translations that they got done that took so long!

My face is about to crack, I've got such a big smile in it. She's my daughter, and I'm in love.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Slowly Going Insane...

Sooooo....my agency, whom-I've-come-up-with-all-kinds-of-witty-and-insulting-plays-on-their-name-but-I'm-going-to-be-the-bigger-person, weeeelllll, they suck. Actually, that's one of the adjectives that I use ALOT in my funny renaming game. I drive down the road, being mad at them...simmering actually, and then POP! comes another funny one, and I can't wait till I can get one of my girlfriends-in-bitching on the phone to tell them what I've come up with now...

Hey - you could avoid a lot of awkward silence between me and your rep when we finally get to China, and I use one of my made up names to refer to your less-than-illustrious agency when I mean to say the real name...if you would just GET OFF YOUR ASS, AND PAY MORE THAN 19.99USD FOR OUR TRANSLATIONS OF OUR CHILDRENS' FILES, SO THAT THEY COME IN LESS TIME THEN IT IS GOING TO TAKE FOR THE NEXT ICE AGE TO ARRIVE.

Is that clear enough for you?

If you wanted to placate me, you could actually give me her stats (weight and such) like you did another family, even though you said you can't translate that (I soooo know that's not hard), and her picture...cause guess what - it doesn't matter...she's my daughter.

Again, verstehe dich?

Thursday, December 6, 2007

We Have A Daughter!


Born 03/07
Hunan Province

Needless to say...we're estatic! Pictures next week!

We're INNNNNNNN!!!

I'm speechless...(well, y'all know that is never true)!

We're going to be a mommy and a daddy. This is amazing. This is unreal. Gaaaahhhh...I wish I had something profound to say, but I don't. What words can express the notion that yesterday I was a PAP, and now, I'm a mommy?!?

No words qualify - none are up to that task.

And so y'all don't think I've gone all Type B on y'all...I didn't post last night cause I left my @$*&# computer in the car at my Dad's house when I went over to scam some pot roast and sweet potatos, and, well, I didn't realize it was going to get THAT cold, I was only there 2 hours, but ol' Bessie the laptop here was doing the best impersonation of a iceberg that I've ever seen, so I was afraid to crank her up! I promise to be in true Type A++ form as soon as we get THE CALL!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

12/14 referral received out West

A woman on the West Coast has announced receiving a referral, and her LID is 12/14/05...

Oh my god...this is happening.

I've been crying, laughing, screaming, twitching etc for over the past hour...

Is this really real?

Of course, my SW is off today...I don't think they will hit the midwest and East Coast till tomorrow though!

Acccccckkkkk!

Am I a mommy?!??!

Friday, November 30, 2007

Nothing. Zilch. Zero.

OK, so we are headed into what will probably be the longest weekend of my life. Ever. Unless China pushes the time to referrals extra long...then next weekend will be.

Will I keep my sanity? Will I sleep? Or will I tip over Saturday from sheer exhaustion, and not wake up until Monday morning? Will I not eat from nerves, or eat myself into a sugar coma from nerves?

Why is this a secret? By all accounts, CCAA pulls out how many days they are willing to match , put those in a big pile, and then start matching kid - parent - kit - parent...so why can they not tell us what is coming? Why can't they make this process a bit less nerve-racking on the people who are going to parent their children? Hell if I know? I can't write that one off to Western vs. Eastern sensibilites...any one in any country can easily understand the stress someone feels while waiting for a child.

So...here I go again, another weekend. A couple thousand more heavy sighs.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Is It Really Going To Happen?

It looks like we're cutting it awfully close, which I kinda expected...but rumors are saying right now that we are in. I'm still letting the chickens roam uncounted here, but I'm starting to believe...

Oh Gawd...what if it doesn't happen? Oh Gawd, what if it does happen? Is there a file with a baby in it paperclipped to our file right now being signed???

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Rules Of Engagement

OK, trying to distract myself from the Deafening Silence of Nothingness coming from a large country in Asia...

Did y'all see Rules of Engagement last night? Maybe they wrote this episode without the writers that are on strike...it was abysmal...the cliches! Oh my God the cliches...make it stop!!!!
1. The manly-man in the show, Jeff, of course wants a son.
2. Jeff gets all "it's not my swimmers" that caused us to not get pregnant.
3. It turns out to be Jeff's swimmers.
4. Jeff thinks when he's told to drink more water that Scotch would work, as it has water in it.
5. Jeff and wife Audrey are happy and fine, until one person asks why they haven't had kids yet...they tried for 6 months (oh, the committment), it didn't work, so they "sunk themselves into work." Or some other lame-ass excuse like that. And it takes one person asking once and they decide to change the course of their lives? They cave to the ideals of society that quickly?
6. And they go get all the tests done and completed and answers to infertility in like one 1 hour appointment. What about real life, docs not even listening till at least a year, sometimes more...and months and months of tests - heck, just waiting to get a dye test takes, what 3 weeks??
7. The young, soon to be married couple, gets in a spat about the future and when they have kids...he, raised by a hippy-ish mom who never married Dad, assumes that she will stay home with the kids. And she's not content with that idea.

Oh the cliches, the cliches...the evil, stereo-type inducing cliches.

Calgon, take me away!

Monday, November 26, 2007

My rumors are lost...

Where oh where have the rumors gone??? Not a single stinking peep, and it's the 26th of the month!!! I'm going just a shade bat-shit crazy here!

I was going to write a long post about my SW here today. But I don't have it in me. I'm weak, I'm a jiggling bowl of jello...I just want to melt into a puddle of tears while looking at the referral of Baby H....

I don't have any more righteous indignation in me right now...I'm so tired of answering the "when" question...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Gobble, Gobble...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope you have a good day, be it with family, friends, or without them - whatever makes you happier! :>)

I'm trying to stay focused on what I have to be thankful for, which is so much. I truly am blessed in life. But I'm also spoiled, so it's easy to focus on the one thing that I don't have this holiday...but I will look around the table tomorrow and see my husband, my Dad and my step-mom...and the kitties under the table, knowing that step-grandma will give them some Turkey on the sly...and I'll be thankful for the 11 years married, 2 years engaged, and the 1 year dating I've had with P so far. And thankful that my step-mom has made it thru so many medical crises over the years - we may not see eye to eye some of the time, but she makes my Dad happy. We're cool now most of the time, so that's something to be happy for. And my Dad, who for all my bitching (usually in the work arena with him), is a good Dad. He missed a lot of stuff growing up, and he's not as emotional as my psyche wants, but he's good, and we're spitting images of each other in about 80% of our personalities. And he was always there for me, even if he did miss a lot of little stuff along the way. And he's 60 now, but looks like a very healthy 50, and his mind is probably even younger than that, so I'm so thankful for that - I hope to have him here for a long, long time.

I'm thankful for all my friends, ones I've had for years, and ones that I've met thru this adoption - y'all mean so much to me, and you also can never know what your support thru this adoption has meant to me...

And, I'm trying oh so hard to be thankful that I'm finally "close" to Baby H. I know, I'm a selfish witch, but this one is hard...

So, long post when I meant a short one...when in the end all I really want to say is Happy Thanksgiving.

And cough up those referral rumors, will ya?

Monday, November 19, 2007

Ronnie Burns Died

You probably don't know who he is. Most of us don't. I didn't, till I saw his obit in the Chicago Times, in the little section where they list famous, or almost-famous people who have passed on.

He was the son of George Burns and Gracie Allen.

But that's not what I read. Here's what I read:
"He was the adoptive son of George Burns and Gracie Allen."

Huh? WTF? Why the hell does it matter? Did they love him any less because they didn't birth him? What is it the Chicago Trib's business to point this out? Does this change the fact that he's dead? No.

Do Angie and Brad love Shiloh more than Maddox, or any of their others? I doubt it. Did George and Gracie love Ronnie less? I doubt that too...What about Meg and her daughter from China? What about my friends A&A, do they look at their precious twins every morning and say "well, not a bad consolation prize"???? Hell no. They pick them up every morning and thank the heavens above and the earth below that these two souls came into their lives...no different than my other 20 friends or so who have birthed their kids.

On the RQ site, a wise man posted something that was in the back of my head, but I have never pulled to the front of my head, and even thought out all the way, but it was what was nagging me all along...he said:
His daughter was adopted. Past tense. She is not "is adopted." Adoption was an event that happened in the past, and it will affect all their lives for years to come, no different than if the kid had had any kind of various traumas in their life otherwise...that's the truth. She will always be just "my kid". Never, ever, ever, "my adopted kid".

I wish the rest of the world would just get that.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

My brain is still bleeding...

Oh my, it was soooooo much more worse than I thought it could have ever been!!! Even my worst enemies would have taken pity on me....well except for the SIL - she would have been in the corner, silently giggling at me.

Here's what I learned about adoption at the twins baby shower:
1. China makes a lot of money off of adoption.
2. Everyone in this world knows someone who has adopted, and many times more than not, with dire results.
3. I'm better off getting a Chinese baby than a Russian baby. That is for many reasons, amongst the biggest:
They are smarter.
They are cuter.
The Chinese government won't give out boys, so if you want a girl, that's the place to go.
4. You don't get stretch marks or morning sickness this way.
ohhhh, and this one is the biggest and most important:
5. People who do NOT know what the fuck they are talking about tend to say it the loudest and with the most emphasis of anyone in the room. I mean really? After asking how long we've been waiting (and hearing a number in they YEARS measurement), who the hell thinks they can tell me any fucking detail about how Chinese adoption works, unless they are whipping out pics of their own cute little one that they adopted 4 months ago from Jiangxi??? Yeah...that's what I thought.

I have a dent from banging my head against a wall/table/countertop/cutesy wrapped playskool toy for the idiocy and offensive comments I heard!

And why, oh why, am I the "neighbor that is adopting" when I'm introduced? I think M2 said that phrase more than "Thanks for coming to my shower" all night. Can't I be the "neighbor that organizes girls nights" "neighbor that works for a printing company" or "neighbor that is just a little bit crazy, but we keep her around for yucks"????

OK, I'm done. I'm going to bed. I have to be up early to go to Happy Workland and train someone to make me obsolete.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Listen for the wimpering...

Shortly, I'm on my way to the Friday night shower for M2 who is having the twins. I know my 3 neighbors going with me, and her, and that's it. And, oh my gawd...the woman hosting it is her best friend, who was "adopted from some Asian country" as M2 puts it, but even though it's her best friend, she can't remember which one...and she thinks I should talk to this woman about my adoption for some reason...

Please, oh please, oh please, do not let people bring the adoption up. Please, if there is any justice in this world, it will not become the "This is my friend K, she's adopting an orphan from China" introduction all night long.

Wish me luck, and that there is a bar.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I Have a Clone...Life Has Shifted

OK, well, I'll have a clone soon. As of Monday night, we've hired a bright young guy (gawd, I sound soooo old) who is going to be a sponge from next week on, to learn everything that I have stored in my brain for the last 11 years here at Happy Workland. He will be my assistant/replacement, whatever I need. I have a peep now. I'm middle level, non-important semi-management-ish now...

He will someday be able to do everything I do, except new website development, at least for now. That's still my baby, and what I thrive on doing.

I have high hopes - he used to work here in another department, and he's a smart guy, and we worked well together before. But, the idea of teaching someone everything...well, it's daunting - and unnerving - at best!

I was driving home last Monday night after it was all agreed too...and I just felt sooooo, unhinged from the world. Like I was a seperate part that was floating away from reality. Till now, I'm the one. I'm the web goddess. Now, I will have a demi-web-god in training. I will not be The One. I currently do my job and everyone pretty much leaves me alone, and I do what I do and get it done fast, well, and efficiently. Sometimes even with a smile on my face. As of 6:15 monday night? I am no longer unique.

My work is so much of my life - friends will tell you I'm always connected. When I would have surgeries, I'd be to work, at least via computer, in a matter of days. Being childless, we have both defined a lot of our lives by what we do for The Man. We work to excel and achieve. When shoving a new site up, I'm working all hours of the day, getting it to be the best it can be. All of a sudden, I'm not the only go-to person...all of a sudden, we're planning on me...not being here...not completely gone, though on crabby days I like to daydream about it. But all of a sudden, I'm already sporting a new and important list item of "who I am" in the top 5 of that list, none-the-less...mother (to be).

All of a sudden, after 2.5 years on paper, something with this adoption has really affected my life. My life shifted Monday night. For the first time, I'm not a mommy-to-be only on paper. Life is different now. And this is just the beginning...

I'm sure my clone can handle the job...The question is: Can I?

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Do You See the Month???

The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before August 31, 2006.
The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with our office before December 8, 2005.

Yes, they are finally on December 2005...

Sooooo...do I plan for/assume/hope/shoot myself in the foot and hope for referral next month...23.5 months of waiting?

Congrats to all my December 2005 peeps...

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Twin Shower Shopping & Ornaments

OK, D and N and I went shopping today for the shower for the ivf twins that is next Friday night (I don't know, don't ask on that one)...so we went and got some stuff at Tar-geeeeehhht, then went and got tons of baby board books, and then went to Carters to get clothes. I was doing soooo well, all things told. Even though I couldn't help but think...oh, I want to get that for H...that would be perfect for her...oh, I like the one I picked out better etc etc etc. Keeping the emotions in check successfully and all...

Now, I admit, I'm a clothes whore when it comes to H, she has clothes. But 1/2 of what I have is hand-me-downs...the other 1/2 is 95% bought on serious discount. And as non-seasonal as I could get - no sweaters, bikinis etc - tshirts, long sleeve shirts, and pants and skirts...i.e., best chance at multi-season wear. But I'm known for having worked on getting my child set up, so to speak...So we get to the baby clothes store, and they have snowsuits outside...I go to look, just cause there was a cute color...

D says "c'mon K, you have to wait till you get H - you're driving yourself crazy, and shouldn't be buying clothes till you know about her." True, she's probably right...so I wander off, and go back to looking for sleepers for the twins. A few minutes later, D is standing there with a snowsuit off the rack, obviously for her younger son...so I jokingly say "Oh, I see someone was looking at the snowsuits, huh?" Her response: "Yes, because I have a child to wear it." Followed up with "You know what I mean..."

Yeah...

D is usually so not the one to say something like that.

Off topic - I'm looking for a nice Christmas ornament...I've been getting an ornament a year for H, and will continue to do so until H grows up, and goes off to be an adult. I though did not get one last year, cause I was just a bit pissy about the wait. Anyone seen anything totally cool and or beautiful? Any suggestions - if you see any at a store/in a catalog/on a website, can you toss me a suggestion? It can't have the year on it, cause I have an '07 one, and I have to "make up" for '06...yeah, 2nd year in, and I messed up. Thanks for any suggestions!

Friday, November 2, 2007

Stupid FIL Says What?

I can't believe P told me this...I think he wants to give me a heart attack.

Earlier this week, his father emailed him and included a link to a trip that he was interested in...it was on a very high end company...one that I WILL NOT pay for. My guess is, they were going to do that "If you spend 2 weeks with us, we'll pay the airfare part of it for Christmas", knowing them...anywho...

1. He wants to go next summer.
2. The trip is 20 days long, not counting the days of travel to Europe and back. (Ummmm...most non-doctor people can't take that kind of time off, and we've told you that!)
3. The trip, without airfare, is $7200 a person. Yes, you read that right.

Yes, airfare would be a nice chunk of change and that much money spent on a gift is "generous", but:
1. I don't like a gift that requires me to shell out 14,000+ USD
2. I've told them many times I don't want to travel with this company cause of the a. money, and b. they shelter the hell out of you, so you don't get to experience anything but a Disney-version of wherever you are
3. We are going to be parents...very very very soon! HELLO!?!?!? Have you been listening? Dense FIL says what???

Oh, yeah, that's right - we have the same conversation about the same general things every 2 weeks, cause you don't listen to squat.

Bite me, I'm making your son a father, one way or another, and if your borderline crazy wife wants to take that as an affront and another sign that he's not going to move back home and live a block away like the sis in law does, hanging on every opinion, than so be it.

I'm going home...that Wii is getting set up this weekend, so help me...

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Sucktabulous!

Customer update: (I've never been so livid in my life, BTW)
Yesterday afternoon, we were finishing up the project from hell, and I'm on the phone with the programmer....mind you, every email I get from the customer, I respond to it in like, ohhhh 10 minutes (I'm not lying folks), and then he takes over an hour to respond...so I'm on the phone, working on HIS project, he calls in. D at the office tells him I'm on the phone with said programmer. He holds. He returns to D. She says "still on the phone, she'll call you back as soon as she gets off" His response: "Tell her to get her ass off the phone with *programmer* and get her ass on the phone with me." Yeah...the boss ended up calling him back and telling his what a prick he was being, in boss-speak. But it's done. I couldn't speak for a good 30 minutes I was soooo pissed, and that's saying a lot, huh?

Then, I come home, and we decided to have a Wii-tabulous evening. Hah. Hah. Hah. With all the T&Ters gone, we go to work on getting P's tv off the wall, and getting the wires in the conduit running down the wall for the Wii. Hah. Turns our I was right - I can't lift it off the wall. I barely got my end on the wall when we put it up there...ask me to lift up, from my waist up, and control? Har. But we were able to shift the damn thing. But not shift it back...

Sooooo....at 8:50pm I blow a call into dear old Dad. Poor Dad. He dealt with me all day with the customer, and then, as he's trying to eat a piece of pie, his stupid daughter calls. So Dad came over, the two of them lifted it no problem. It was just that I was defective. An hour and a half later, the tv is on the wall again, it's too late for pie, and we have *most* but not all wires behind it, so Dad's coming back this weekend, and then P will go over and help him install his Wii. (Thank Gawd he lives only 5 minutes away). But we need one more wire back there...

Sooooooo...after yesterday, I have no dignity at work, and I'm Wiiless. This is like getting a cool Christmas toy and not having batteries for it.

Oh, and TATHMFF? Yeah, they are still messing with us too...

OK, I'm done b****ing. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Must I Have Customers?!?!

OK, Mr Customer Guy...you send me a project you set up 2 months ago, that needs web programming upgrades (but you only sent to us last week), and then send me emails with swear words in it cause you are mad that I haven't flipped it in a crazy short period of time? Off of a product setup spreadsheet that had 90% filled out wrong - by you?

Dude...Dilbert could run another 5 years just off of what you put me thru every. single. stinkin'. day.

Thankfully, every other customer is not like you. And I like working with them. I wish I could really send this post to you.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Saved By The Wii...

P is a lucky guy. I was sooooo angry with him yesterday. I'm still mad, but not seething anymore. He gets pigheaded sometimes, and well, he's been pigheaded on this trip to Singapore that he has to take later in the year, and I got mad. I don't like being told that I'm not wanted, in not so many words. To report fairly, he says that he never said nor implied such a thought or concept. To this side of the marriage, it seemed like it was on a 20ft billboard in 18ft letters. Whatever. He's made his flight arrangements (first class too!), so what's done is done. I'm just seething that he got mad that I thought I might see if The Mother (I know, I know, what am I thinking on that) might want to go to Hawaii or Europe with me while he's gone.

Anywhoooooo...what saved us both from mutual annihilation last night?

A Wii...an allpowerful (apparently) Wii...

We've been looking for one of these things for 2 months - no I won't pay the overcharge on Amaz** that people are selling them for. P found it in a Target on his way home last night. AND, he also was able to get one for my Dad, cause he's been wanting one too. He played it in good K fashion - he asked to be let around the 1 Wii rule, as his FIL really wants one. The guy assumed some little old bald guy who's kinda hunched over apparently - he said "Yeah, I hear they use them in nursing homes and such cause it's good for the old people." and then gave the other one to P to buy. Har! My Dad is 90% bald on top, but he's only 60, and seriously, except for the gray at the sides, you'd think he's 52, tops. Whatever, P and I are Wii heroes when I take this thing to the office to give it to him.

See, I'm a predicitable pet of Pavlov, just for the record...everyone at work just about got one of these things. I was curious, but they started talking about them, and how cool they are. So I wanted one. Then I couldn't find it...so I needed one. We've looked, and P told me he's been stopping a lot of places without telling me, which is sweet. 98.5% of the time, he's an awesome guy, the rest of the time? Grrrrrrrr....

But, we have not Wii'd yet. We have torn the box apart, checking it out, but P wants a special something cable before we pull the tv off the wall...oh yeah, he got that a few weeks ago.

And P chipping his tooth also distracted us.

He got out of that fight, huh?

Monday, October 29, 2007

O Cat

For my RQ friend, who has a cat that seems to look just like O Cat...

Sunday, October 28, 2007

I'm Tired...

Dear TATHMFF-
I'm tired. I had a quiet weekend. Dinner out, hanging around the house, chatting with the neighbors. That's it. I'm still suffering malaise. We've been waiting (sorta) patiently for 22.5 months. I'm toast. I know you want us to be patient. I know you want us to push ourselves to make us good parents for the child you will entrust to us. If you knew me, if you knew how much I have proven already. Seriously. I was whining in February of 06, saying I couldn't wait anymore...If someone had told me I would have to wait 2 years at the beginning of this, I would have told them I couldn't.

I've watched so many babies be born and start to grow up. I've seen family fade and die. I've seen life come and go at so many levels. I've felt so many emotions. I've made so many life-long friends thru this proces too - sisters and family from the friends who have also chosen this path in life.

I don't think you planned for this wait to turn into this. But, knowing that capitalism feeds our agencies, you should have known they wouldn't have policed themselves to submit the candidates that apparently you said you preferred. But in the end, we've waited 300-400% longer than we were first told. Longer than secondly told...and thirdly told. I think the last time our agency said no later than April 07.

Please, we're only 14 days away. Please, recognize that we've toiled and learned and danced with anxiety, and tossed and turned in our sleep more times than I care to admit.

I'm tired.

I'm ready. Let me show you.

Friday, October 26, 2007

I May Be New At This Soon, But...

You would think I wouldn't be this stupid, right??? This was on the inside of a lid of a big hard plastic container that was purchased for me to make my life easier at work...i.e., the boss has made it so I can stack my work into walls around me...



Thursday, October 25, 2007

2 Years Ago Yesterday...

Two amazing souls came into this world, 1/2 a world away from us. They had a hard start in life, losing their birth family, but happily, they got to keep each other. Last year, they were referred to my amazing friend A, and her husband A, at the end of September. They brought them back to the US on the 1 year anniversary of our LID in December. This is their first birthday at home.

These two girls are amazing. They are strong souls, they have grown and adapted so much in the last year or so that they have been home. One has a huge crush on P and can work him over like I never could. They are so smart, so inquisitive, so beautiful...this is XB analyzing (yes, it is) a ladybug.

I only wish that they understood what they have meant to all of us (and I'm just the faux-auntie!). The happiness I see in my friends' eyes when they watch them playing, and learning. I can see the joy, I can hear it when A calls me on her way home, to tell me about how they learned to do something... Seeing them grow and expand, I can do nothing but get excited about what it is going to be like to see H go thru the same transformation - to see her learn how to trust, to fill out as she catches up from institutional delays, learn what it is like to have a family. I can't wait to watch all three of them continue to grow into amazing young people.

How can you not love this?



It also makes me sad, to think what they have been thru in their short lives. To think about what H is going thru right now. It makes me wonder if any of us would have had the fortitude to survive and flourish like all these amazing kids have...See, when I have no time, and I'm slammed against the wall, I start daydreaming and getting all philisophical!

P is "the next state over" on business, and I emailed him that I had gone thru the pics from the girls and their mommy and daddy visiting last weekend, and I said, "it's obvious that you will be totally whipped by H." He asked why, and asked me to email him a few of the pics that A took with the camera...so I sent them over and asked "Why, do you need a baby fix?"


Do you know how emotional I am right now, waiting for the next batch? He emails back "Yeah, I've needed one for 2 years." Just started me crying...

Photos included with permission of Mommy A.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Belated Congrats, Mr Gore

Congrats to Mr Gore on winning the Nobel. It sends an important message. Even if I don't necessarily agree with everything the major environmental movements preach right now...

I don't buy the electric car thing yet...no one has seemed to prove that the reduction in emissions offsets the caustic production, and disposal of, the batteries, along with the environmental damage caused by the power plants that instead have to produce the power that is needed to fuel the battery...I do appreciate the theories, and the research, and the committment to trying to break our dependence on dirty fossil fuels though.

I don't believe in the black and white view on things like pesticides etc...I think there's a very important difference between use and responsible use. As with many things, there are many shades of gray.

I don't believe in absolute saving of every species in the world. I think at some point, if you believe in evolution (which I do), sometimes a species' time has come and gone. Before you all climb on me, I'm not saying all, ok? Of course, man has perpetuated many crimes against nature, but sometimes it just is time for it to happen. Dinosaurs would really f*** up traffic on the expressway during rush hour.

The reason I congratulate Mr Gore, and am glad that an environmentalist won is because it has brought the environmental cause back to the forefront, and back to the masses (a bit). It has made something that was dismissed by the current administration a voice again. More than anything, it has opened discussion. If there is no discussion, there are no answers. We need to innovate. We need to make more fuel efficient cars. We need to see ourselves as part of the world population - we need to agree with other countries to make this planet better. Kyoto? We have to revisit it. We have to stop spraying pesticides on everything because every grape has to look perfect. We don't need super-cows that produce double milk at the expense of chemicals polluting our milk supply. But we also need healthy cows, and grapes that are not tainted by e. coli. And we need industry and technological progress. I don't think we know most of the answers, and we won't ever know all of them probably. But with the cold shoulder of many government officials, and the gutting of monies for non-corporate research thru government agencies, Mr Gore has mobilized some of the masses...started the discussion...even if people don't agree with what he says, at least we're talking...

And that's where change starts...

Sunday, October 21, 2007

The Throw Down...

I have been given a test/ultimatum/directive by "The Girls"...at Girls Night last night. My own Master of My Domain kinda thing...they want me to stay off the web sites pertaining to the adoption, specifically RQ, for 1 week.

And, holy crap, the rumors have just started to fly. They wanted me to stay off till girls night next month, but no way.

They told me it's for the best, it'll happen when it happens, I'm just torturing myself (I agree with points #2 and #3). They told me that when "my child" is ready, then we'll get the call. Personally, I don't believe in that. I would like to, but I don't.

I told them I couldn't go without the constant feed of info. That I need to feel like I'm in control. They told me that this is then a lesson I need to learn before becoming a mother.

They told me if I feel like I'm collapsing under the weight of it, come out and sit in my driveway with a glass of wine, and they'll come over and help me with the withdrawl symptoms.

Do I do this? Do I try? I don't think I can do it - not when I'm on the phone with a customer blathering away, or I've got the stress going at work, and I just want to see if something is up for 5 minutes. I'm tempted - I like to see if I can do things I can't. But I can't see myself making it, and I don't like to fail.

Do I step up for the challenge, or not?

Friday, October 19, 2007

Wishing the Days Away & Ulcers

I'm in a pensive mood. The weather here *sucks* the big one. Hot/overcase/cold/hot/rainy/repeat cycle. It's 15 degrees colder today than last. Tomorrow it'll be back up after another rain front comes thru. One of us will get a sinus infection.

The weather and Happy Workland don't help of course, neither do another of about 100 factors, some like crazy mothers that I've blogged about, but more than anything, I'm getting fed up with myself. Yes, I'm so bat-shit crazy with this wait, that I've turned my general loathing of a good percentage of how the world works out there right back on myself...

Hey, the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

I never even finished up my trip logs for y'all (haven't finished printing the pics out yet either)...I haven't done 2 major (well, not major, but pain in the rear factor is high) house projects that we have to do before H gets here. Haven't set up daycare (though I did research) etc etc etc...general malaise is the word for the day.

Worst though, I find myself waking up in the morning and instantly trying to think what the date is for the day (something I don't usually care about till I have to fill out a time sheet)...what's The Number???? Are we there yet P? Have we hit the magical 20's? Or better yet? The 30's? How close are we to getting our hopes and dreams dashed yet again by TATHMFF (The Agency That Holds My Family's Future - I think that's what I named it before, and well the malaise tells me to not go back and verify)? I almost shake - like I imagine a heroin addict shakes - before I get to RQ around lunch time, when I think, if there's going to be rumors, this is a good time for them.

Even more pathetic, I calculate and tally polls from RQ, I look at China Adoption Forecast etc etc...over and over again. Like something is going to change...I have the numbers of pollees cumulatively tallied next to each day on my printout of the polls, so I don't have to keep recalculating (at least I'm an efficient kook).

And, the biggest point of my own self-loathing: In doing all this (well, most off, I'm wasting brain cells and time), I don't even have an inkling of hope that this is The Month. I'm so pathetic, I wish amazing fantasys of the future, The Beginning Of November batch, but even then I can't wish us in! I dream of the 10th being in...surely that will set us up for December, right? I dream, at least the 9th, that'll get us 5 days away, we'll eek in. Even in my own fantasys, I don't get off this crazy-ass rollercoaster and start the next phase of my life! How pathetic am I? If I'm going to dream life away, shouldn't I be going for the big enchilada, in the sky? Nope not me...I'm too analytical, too beaten down, too realistic.

I'm trying in vain, in response to this phenomenon, to control my life. I want to plan the holidays. I want to go buy everything we need for the baby. I want to reorganize every closet. It drives me crazy P's business trip to Asia isn't being solidified. I'm not a gal that likes to free-float, so these last 22 months have been hell on the old psyche. A good lesson learned though, I think, though so brutally painful a lesson.

And the business trip...it's a long long ways away. Ergo, tickets are not cheap. I so want to go with him. Agency Of Hell (AOH) though didn't like the idea that P is going to be gone, even though they basically told me that they think we have a snowball's chance for December. But my agency does nothing more sophisticated than count on their fingers, "Nothing They Do Know", Yoda would tell me. So once the people planning this trip, once they get their heads out of their asses, do I throw caution to the wind, get the ticket no matter how much, and learn the lesson of just doing it. Not thinking of what can happen when? Do I try to stop in Japan on the way back and check another dream off my life list?

Let me check the poll numbers again and I'll get back to you...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I'm afraid to touch anything...

This has been a rough week...I had to go to a trade show this week on Monday and Tuesday. I hate being the face that talks to people...I'm a geeky database/web/analysis kinda girl. I had to schmooze people. I hate to schmooze. And then 1/2 the people who approached are people who are programmers, offering to help with our sites - hello? I'm demo'ing our apps. If I'm demo'ing them, I must like them, seeing as I'm trying to convince others that they are worthy of a look, right? Now, if you want to be the face person, we'll talk.

But, why am I afraid to touch anything? Well, let's see here...in our house this week, we've had these beloved family members die this week...no, correct that, on ONE day. The stapler, the paper shredder, and the oven. Yes, the oven. The giver of chocolate covered cookies and ooey gooey brownies, and coconut chocolate pecan pies. Dead. Narry a degree of warmth. Seems like an ignition switch issue. Microwaves hath not make an appropriate creme brulee!



Not that I need to eat...this has been my crack lately. Thanks, to the peeps in my travel group! When we went to China, we were going to have a group gathering a few weeks after we got back, so we bought giant bags of various Chinese candy. We came home and the next night divied it up 3-ways - one for my work, one for P's work, and one for the party. Well, the party didn't happen - most of the group had things crop up. Soooo...we decided to reschedule, and haven't yet. So, there's this giant bag of treats. Though it only cost about $5.00, max, I cannot, in good faith, knowing that there is some kind of sugary goodness in these things, let it go to waste. So I work thru these. I specifically adore the gooey sugary goop that is covered in sesame seeds. Have no idea what I'm eating. Don't care. Just know that it's pretty darn good for not having a lick of chocolate in it. I'm afraid to go in the cabinet - they are stashed there. I'm afraid to go to work, there's a stash there too...So, when I'm spilling into your seat on the trip to Beijing, don't blame me, ok?

BTW, is it the end of the month yet? Aggggggghhhhh...

Friday, October 12, 2007

Please Tell Me That I Was Adopted.

My mother and I do not see eye to eye on a lot of things...
Religion, Politics, What race of baby is best to adopt, Religion, What constitutes entertainment (not Barry Manilow and Frasier reruns), etc etc etc

The last 3 days, asides from feeling like I need an appendectomy, I've been putting up with/egging on an email fight with her.

I stupidly asked Mom and my Aunt if we were going to have a big family Christmas (or at least plan on it), seeing as we didn't have one last year. I got a tirade (from Mom) about how can I ask these things knowing about my Aunt's mom etc etc etc...All I did was ask 2 questions:
1. Are we thinking we want to even try
2. If so, as I was "supposed" to be the one to host last year, are they assuming that I will be the one to host this year?
I have gotten chastizing emails from my mom expounding on why it's stupid to ask so soon, cause someone could die, get the flu, or a big snowstorm could hit. My aunt emailed back 2 days later and said, yes, I hope so, here's the update on Mom, hope all is well with you, and if it ends up that you can't host, I'd be more than willing to.
Now, was that that hard?

Well, the email bitch-slap fest has devolved into discussion of the "A" word, and H. My mother has never liked the idea that I suggested that my Aunt (who of her own accord offered), not wait till we have a referral, but instead, when we get close, plan the shower she so kindly offered, and try and plan the date that hopefully we get referral right before said shower. Therefore we can do it relatively close, but not put the crazy all into the 6-8 weeks between referral and travel.
  • My idea: know we are stinking close, pick shower date a week or 2 after expected referral, send out invites, pray that we get it that month. If not, everyone will know we are damn close.
Especially with the holidays coming up, I thought this was a good plan. The word my mother used is "asinine." She wants to wait till we get referral to even plan a day, and has told all the reasons that I am stupid to my aunt, so nothing is being planned.

So forget it, I don't want a shower.

So this further degraded into the emails where I expound on why I've been keeping my distance, because my mother is no support system what so ever...cause she keeps asking why I'm distant.
1. She was with us when we bought this awesome chair for H's room. Never did she say "oh, you'll have awesome memories of bedtime stories" - no she said "why are you spending the money, there's a couch in the other room."
2. She has never said anything about becoming a grandma - nothing to be excited.
3. When I told her we were finally to our month for referrals, the response was "oh."
4. She's already told me she's bought religious kids books for my kid and it is her plan to take her and enroll her in VBS. Didn't know why we would have a problem with this.

So, I pointed this out. She whips out the emotional blackmail that I rather have my inlaws involved in H's life than her.

This is the quote from the email, that shows how much she just doesn't get it:
"I'll be excited when I have something to be excited about - like when it becomes really real - like I know you are going and will return with my grandchild. Good God were we all suppose to be jumping up and down for joy the entire last 3 years??? what the h do you want from people?"
(no, she won't type the word "hell")

And then she finishes it up with:
"Now please don't take all this as a slam or lecture but an attempt to calm your misgivings and fears that the world is agaist you!"

Am I crazy, or is this crazy??? Have a good weekend y'all, I'm for sure staying away from her town, even if they say that's the only place in this country to have an appendectomy!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Mathamatics and Meteorology

OK, so I'm thinking about the wait....(duh!) and I'm calculating about the wait...over and over and over again.

Based on RQ's projections, we're iffy for December referral...the 2 year point.

Based on my projections, we're iffy for December referral too.

If they can pull off:
Dec 1-8, that's 97 by her new polls, much over the last batch, still conservative to the ones before that last crappy one.
THEN...
We'd be in with a 9-14 in December, with 98 returning on the polls.


If they go how they did last month, they either have to go below it or over at least 10%, which isn't hard to do with how small the # is:
Under, which is closer: Dec 1-6 - 56 returns on her poll
THEN...
7-9 for 68 returns on her poll
THEN...
10-14 for a total of 71 returns on her poll, gets us in in January.

To return to the previous #s...
Dec 1-9 - 124 poll returns
Dec10-19 - 104 poll returns, which would get us in in December.

Am I crazy yet???

So.....
X is us, or the amount needed to get to us.
Y is the current batch rate.
For us to get in in Dec... x= 1.83y
That's a lot more than the current rate, obviously...

Put another way...the current referral batch, x=> z where z=previous waits before, with z=(a+b)/2, to get the averages.

And what are the chances of that???

Yeah...that's what I thought. A snowball's chance...

Of course, what were the chances that this would have been my footwear yesterday in the Midwest, in October...


Sadly, if I had said that I'd get my referral when it was 85+ in October, I would have my referral in hand. Instead, I said I'd get my referral when hell froze over, so I don't think I'll be wearing these when I get referral...

So, seeing as I don't have good odds with RQ's poll numbers...when will hell freeze over? According to some very very smart people...wellllll, not for billions of years. Apparently, thanks to google, and P, who is very science oriented helping me in my search, the Sun will blow up and destroy Earth before it cools. And really, as long as the sun is around, the Earth won't cool enough for the core (the implied place of hell) to freeze. According to Boyle, hell is endothermic, so it can't freeze.

Well, Crap. I guess all I've got is that star out the back window...


(Do ya like the pedi? A treat for keeping the Sanity in the ISO(In)Sanity house...)

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Something I Want To Share, #1

OK, I'm going to try to focus on happy, good things this week...at least until someone really really annoys the snot out of me.

Anyways, I've wanted to post this pic for awhile - P has an Aunt who lives out East...one of the few people in that family that aren't crazy. Anyways, she's an amazing person, and I love her to death. When she found out thru the grapevine that we were adopting, she called and spoke with P, asking about the room etc...

About 6 months later, this arrived in the mail (the day my neighbors 2nd child was born - the one that she got pregnant with a week or so after our paperwork went to China...the one that we said would "come home" the same time as H...Har.):



P's Aunt is an amazing quilter. She did this to match the theme of the room. It is so beautiful, and there is no way to convey that in pictures. This was so amazing, that I could not find any other quilter that I liked, and I asked her to do the sewing on H's 100 wishes quilt (yes, I thought that would be a fun project to pass the time). She did that one too, we got it when we got back from China. It is also amazing, but it is so big, it is currently confounding me as to how to photograph it so that y'all can see it.

I just saw on the news that the beautiful Musee de Orsay was broken into, and artwork damaged....I'm a serious francophile as it is. And a museum rat too. This is so disturbing. You have to be really piss drunk to think that is a good idea.


Friday, October 5, 2007

Now That I'm Not Trying to Achieve Zen...

Well, with the spa appointment blowout, I give up on my attempt to put last weekend behind me, and I now choose to embrace and relish the hell that is family and relive last weekend for y'all's amusement.

I preface this list of highlights with the comment "And they wonder why we don't make the 2 hour drive (the extended IL's) or the 2 hour flight (the MIL, FIL and SIL), that often..."

Ahhhhh...shall we just bullet point it, in no particular order?
At the party for the grandma:
  • Cousin to P comes up, put his arm around me, starts chatting. He's back in town from AK. He's pretty cool now. So, he said he heard we had been in China, and he and girlfriend had been their last year...yadda yadda. I say "can't wait to go back, the sooner the better, even if it is snowing" (assuming everyone knows, seeing as it's been the only topic people have discussed with us since we showed up 2.5 hours before that)...oh, why are you going back in winter? To get H... "Oh, I didn't know you had decided to adopt for sure. My mom (the one who talks about each grandbaby first and foremost that they have her son's skintone - not the 1/2 Mexican mother's) said she didn't think you had decided where you wanted to adopt from, cause you didn't know what you wanted your baby to look like."
  • The Grandma: "Don't get your heart set on anything. Even if you see a picture, don't look at it. I know so many people who have gone there, and then they don't give them a baby...they are Chinese you know. They want our money. So don't count on anything. Consider it a blessing if it happens." (Yeah, how many people in her demographic are adopting? She's 90 for pete's sake.)
  • Well, if they get around to giving her to you, then you'll get pregnant. (They all know that with me it is absolutely impossible that this will occur)
  • What about a Lithuanian baby? Auntie A works with people helping the Lithuanians - she can get you help.
  • Holding baby that is fussing...You don't really want this, do you? - Another cousin
  • (An Aunt after being told the names we've picked, and apparently having a discussion with P about what he sees as an abundant plethora of clothes - mostly girl - 1/2 hand me downs BTW - in the nursery closet) Well, we're going to hope for a Hxxxx then (the boy name)...what? Cause the whole boys are better thing? Which is so his family...or, cause you want me to have wasted my money?
  • From an Uncle who travels ALL over the world: You didn't get sick in China? Really? Did you eat there? Cause I'm for sure that they spit in the food when it's for us people. I always get sick when I travel overseas, and got really sick there. (Yeah, ummmm, maybe because you are an ugly american who wants to barge into peoples homes and take pictures and think you can buy anything? Oh, and maybe because you know nothing about where you travel to...oh, and because you follow no precautions about basic food safety overseas...yes, you yak blood drinker, maybe that's really why you get sick?)

Back at the P&K ranch with the FIL, MIL and SIL:

  • SIL (who did much better than I thought she would overall): "Well, now that you aren't going to bring her home this year, I'm going to have to talk to my boss again."

Me: Why?

SIL: Well, last year I kept vacation time so I could come visit H. And then I carried it to this year so I could come visit her. Now I'll have to carry it again. (She gets something obscene like 5 weeks too, BTW)

Me: Why don't you just use next year's?

SIL: Cause that would limit my real vacation options then.

OK, lady: 1. How long do you think you are staying here? 2. I'm sorry to cramp your style. 3. I'm sorry that I'm not living up to your timetable, cause you know, we're so close, you emailing me only like clockwork about 90 days before your bday and xmas, just to make sure I'm aware of your existance when I'm out gift shopping.

  • MIL: If this doesn't happen, you aren't going to try to adopt from anywhere else, are you? (Yeah, cause if it isn't "easy", it's not worth doing.)
  • FIL: We could all take a trip to S America next year or the year after, they are kinda long, about 17 days, but that could work. (Hello, dude?!?!)

Oh, and we had the SIL mocking the cats, and SIL not liking how the breakfast place did her pancakes (after a 5 minute discussion on why she can't have whipped cream ANYWHERE on her plate), and SIL not having enough vegetables in her Chinese food, etc etc etc...

OK, I've purged. It's out of my system. And if any of you are still reading - do ya see why we say that we live the perfect distance from all family, both sides???

*$@(#@ Spa

OK, so all crappy week, I've been looking forward to a 60 minute hot stone massage that P so kindly got me for my birthday. I was looking forward to the best time to use it, and I figured, the week after the inlaws left, before getting into 2 weeks of hell at work with the DMA show and all, that would be excellent! So, I booked for 3:30 tomorrow like, 2 weeks ago.

I get a call this morning. Oh, our technician can't come in this weekend or next weekend.

Bite me. I want my massage!!! I haven't had a massage in like 2 and a half years! They could have taken me mid afternoon today, but I'm working from home, and I won't, just to spite them. Also, if I have to rush and get all flustered, what's the point, huh?

So, I'm just going to not set it up for now, cause we're too busy, and that'll show them! They have the money and haven't provided any services...that'll teach them.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Pssssst....Here's a secret...

OK, so for my BlogWorld friends...I'm going to post this for a day or so, and then delete it, okay...

So, here's me and P in Shanghai last month.
(Picture removed by ISO(In)Sanity)
It's not the best pic, but, well, this is us...do I look like you think I would? (Now, remember, this was the last day of a 12 day whirlwind trip of touring, so be kind!)

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

This Must Be Karma

OK, what did I do in a past life? I must have been quite a bad person...maybe I sold slaves? Maybe I stole a kitten from a child? Maybe I was a lawyer?

This showed up in the mailbox last night, of all nights:

Yes, a baby shower invite for M2, the one having twins...the one who doesn't like little ones under a year old...the one who will have her children (plural) before me.

Maybe I was the one in a past life who said that chocolate was not a necessary part of the daily diet...I dunno, but I did something. Something baaaaaaaaddddd...

Anyways, I'm done PWP...Posting While Pissed. I think I was a bit melodramatic yesterday. But, it's totally how I felt, so I won't deny or delete...maybe it was the right thing to do. Maybe, I should have tempered my complaining until I took a breath. I dunno. I'm still not at the point to say yet anything positive like "Well, at least they are into December..." or "Even if they only did one day worth, I'd only be a little over a year away." or anything insipid like that, cause I'm done sugar-coating it.

Until the agency-that-holds-our-future-as-parents speaks, I'm not going to count anything as done this month. It's too odd. As usual, there are reports of families skipped, rumors they got to the 2nd, and other random hysteria. That's all because the ATHOFAP didn't anty up and just be upfront about where they are before they went and hung out on the beach for a week.

I guess we have to see what they do when they come back from vaca...

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

What do I say?

We know China did not make it to the 5th. We know they made it to 11/30. There are very few people by whatever anyone can tell between 12/1 and 12/4. By not covering 12/5, this was an absymally disgustingly small amount of referrals. But god forbid they tell us how bad it was. To put us in the place we need to be to come to terms with things...again. No we have to guess and network by the thousands to come up with answers.

I want to rant.

I want to scream.

I want to quit.

I'm too pigheaded to quit.

But I'm thinking about it. Husband will stop me though. That may give me safety to be running this thought thru my head now. He saves me from my own stupid thoughts sometimes.

I want to sob.

I want to curl up and not go to work. I want people to be coming over to the house, sitting next to me, brushing the hair out of my face, trying to convince me to move, eat, shower, talk, go to work, come have a drink...something...anything.
__________________________________
But I can't. I can't do any of it. I can't find a desire to have people around me, let alone have a meaningful conversation. I can't sit here and take the easy way out and bitch about how shitty my in-laws were this weekend.

I can only listen to my heart beat. Feel my lungs fill with oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. I can blink my eyes and keep them focused. I can get up and feel my legs moving beneath me as I pass the time doing what I have to do in daily life.

I can't talk of all the reasons this wait is wrong. Plain wrong. I can't talk about how "paper-ready" or not, there are kids that need homes. I can't post about how my agency tells me nothing and knows nothing.

I can't do anything to make this ache in my heart and chest stop.

I can't do anything to control my future. It is out of my hands.

I can feel anger at my agency's convenient lack of knowledge. I can feel bile in the back of my throat that at many levels of this process, people are still being encouraged to "Sign up, come join us for a lovely little wait...there's plenty of children who need loving homes."

And I can feel fear.

______________________________________
I decided this was how I wanted to direct my life almost 29 months ago...I wanted to be a mother. I don't want that other life anymore, though it has been a very nice life. I've turned my back on that old life. But I can't attain my new one. No amount of education, effort, willpower or drive can help me attain it. All my tools that have helped me so well in life are useless. All the things that I hope will make me a good mother to someone someday...the things that I want to teach dependence on, none of those qualities serve me in this wait.

I could end this post with the "But I can believe. I can know deep in my aching heart that my baby H is in China. That (s)he is waiting for me."

But I won't. I can't believe.

Friday, September 28, 2007

T-Minus 1 Day, 1 Hour, and Counting...

OK, the house is clean. The laundry is done. The ironing is done. The wish? Not done. Started...thinking has occurred, P has become involved. P has done the first exacto knifing that I needed for the "number" for the birthday to be celebrated.

And I've got his flipping death cold. But guess what? I still cleaned house and went to work, and will be going to work shortly. So, Mr Death Warmed Over On The Couch...ppppplllllllhhhhhbbbbbbbbbttttt!

Of course, I could lay on the couch when the relatives are here! :)

And of course, the CCAA hasn't even thrown us a bone. A measley knowing glance in our general direction. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I know we aren't in this month, but I've somehow gotten invested in the idea of November referral, travel in the first dawning days of '08...(yeah, nothing like setting myself up for disappointment, huh?)

They changed the review room date...again. I know that makes these people happy and relieved. I felt that a YEAR AGO this month, when we cleared that room. Hello? A year ago!

A year ago my friend, a few days ago plus that year, my good friends got their referral. A referral of twins. Amazing. I was screaming in the office when she called. These two little ones are amazing people. So are the parents, but they aren't as cute. I called P to tell him - he was on a business trip. I forgot that it was his first business trip overseas. Ergo, when I called, it was his first night in Germany..first middle of the night. Har! He didn't find it humorous at that point in time. I was soooo excited for them. I can't imagine what I'll feel when it's actually my turn.

Those friends were only 4.75 months ahead of us, LID-wise. And here we still sit, a year later. Still not knowing when we'll get a referral, and when. 6-8 months my butt, Agency.

OK, off to work, my last refuge before the descent into Family Madness Weekend. It's ok though, I need some material to rant about next week. And I'll have plenty, I'm sure. And I promise to post up some pics of the Gorges finally too - I've finally weeded the good from the bad on those too.

Thanks for letting me ramble...

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I'm About To Assume The Fetal Position

My back is killing me...I think my shoulders are around my ears...

Happy Workland is so....happy. So happy I want to puke.

And it's T-Minus 2 days 11 hours till the in-laws arrive. I still don't have the scrapbook page done. Or started. Oh my god, they've always been convinced that I am a pagan (well Lutheran, but to them, the same thing) raised child who is not worthy for their family...The Page is not done.

Why is it not done? Well, I've been de-pile-ing my home. Things that did not have any explosive charge in them somehow exploded when they hit the air of our home. Pictures of China...kaboom! Papers and tidbits galore brought back from China...bang! Gifts for people I have yet to see since we returned...Pow! Unread literature that showed up in our mailbox...Boom! Aggggggghhhh...not something my MIL, June Cleaver should see. And of course, I took on the challenge of cleaning all the curio cabinets in the house to show off our new mementos too...so it's not like I live in a pigsty folks...well, compared to her house, yeah, yeah I do...

And P? He's still dead. He seemed to get about 10% life back tonight. We'll see how tomorrow goes. That's another reason The Page is not done...Mr Exacto Knife hasn't been quite up to wielding a sharp implement. Won't go to the doctor though either...I think he's hoping this fells him again in time for Saturday with The Fam...hah, ain't going to happen, buddy...I'll hire an ambulance crew to get you there. You aren't leaving me alone with your closest 60 or so relatives! And I haven't found a place to sweep him under the rug either, so there's a big messy lump in my family room.

Does having the laundry done count for something??? Anything???

We haven't seen the Sis in law in a few years now. I always worry how that's going to go too...we don't...errrr...mesh well.

And, OMG. Have y'all been reading RQ? It's just a stressor - we're all so on edge. I can't wait till I get asked when SIL gets to see her niece...I may just myself explode when I hear that.

The good news is folks - I did find an online shop, and I have $356.87 in clothes from sizes 6 months to 3T for a pink elephant on the way, so that panic is taken care of...

Is it like watching a train wreck yet? Can't look away, but knowing you should??

Must try to sleep tonight...must try...

Monday, September 24, 2007

Losing It Over Here

OK folks, I'm losing it over here. Totally. Freaking. Panicked. Throat closing fear...

I'm just a giant stress ball walking around in some pretty sweet sandals, if I do say so myself...P is sick. Deadly sick. Ball on couch sick. He could cut his hand off with a miter saw, and he wouldn't go to the doctor. He won't go to the doctor sick either, but he "mans it up" when injured...now, he becomes this whining lump on the couch. OTC meds? No. Food? No. Water? Maybe. TV? Cranky grunt. This is what it will be like to have a sick 3 year old.

And The Boss Dad is gone. He's at his luxury resort out West...and the mood of the office changes when he's gone. And the fish get sick and die. I hate it. I hate that stupid tank. They know the Big Kahuna fish is off on vacation, and they decide which one will sacrifice it's life to make me cry as I dig it out of the tank. The trigger fish named Bubbles chose the short straw this time.

And the adoption world is abuzz with all kinds of crap. And everyone is waiting for referrals. I'm waiting for referrals. I won't get a referral. I won't get a referral next time. But I've convinced myself that this is the month that will tell me when we'll find out about H. Why, oh why do I do this to myself? I have worked myself into an ulcerated state over this. This is going so slow this month. Crazy slow. How will I hope to get thru this when I get to the time I hope to get referral?????

And what if China shuts down now? What if China changes the rules now? What if the Earth stops spinning on its axis and goes retrograde???? What if the mastedons come back to take over the Earth? What if they refer me a pink elephant instead of a little child? Where will I get clothes for a pink elephant?

And the inlaws are coming. In 4.66666 days, approximately. And my house is not clean. I did not rest at all yesterday, but confounded it, I did that stupid registry on Saturday. And I don't have that stupid scrapbook page done. Hell, I don't have it started. I will be mocked and hated even more by the in-laws. Now, we won't talk about this being P's family, and his roll in this, but even if he wanted to help (and he will, oh he will, Mister Exacto Knife Skills), he's so sick, if he held an exacto right now, well...nothing good would come out of that mixed with the wooziness.

Something is going to go wrong. I have a sense of doom. I just don't know in what area of life. I'm even afraid to go get my birthday spa pedicure this afternoon...the lady might cut my toe off for some stupid negligent reason.

How am I going to get thru the rest of this year, let alone this week? Please....please....talk me down!

Or at least tell me where to get clothes for a 9 month old pink elephant...

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Big Baby Store and a Migraine

Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy....How timely my post yesterday!

Something possessed us, P and I. An actual unplanned Saturday, undetected radon fumes spewing forth from the basement maybe?, or we each slipped each other ruffies and therefore don't remember it...

We went to the big baby store in the much bigger suburb and worked on THE REGISTRY. The theory was, we'd get it out of the way, close enough to be relevant, and before things got crazy around here next month, and then, after crazy month, hopefully referral.

So off we went, mid afternoon, and arrived there. We got in and got a scanner relatively quick, and started beeping away. Happy but apparently we didn't have that crazed parents-to-be look, and I didn't have the body for it, so we got looks of course. (Maaaaan, I never have "the body" for anything!)

Some super duper fun things happened:

1. We were in the toy section, and there was a dad there with his two little ones. The smaller one was about 4. He was on a plastic riding toy of some sort (and it was PINK), and having a ball, and behaving. We stepped over him a few times, then the dad started talking to him:

"Hey xxxx, that's a girls bike."
"I like it Daddy, this is fun. It goes in really small circles Daddy."
"xxxx, it's pink. Guess what, that's a dead give-away. It's a girls bike."

Dude? Is your kid happy? Is he being respectful? Is he being sweet to you? What's the deal? Did you lose 2 inches cause your son, your progeny, was on a piece of pink plastic from China instead of a blue or red piece of plastic from China? What does it matter? It was so nice to see a child being nice and happy and playing, and NOT screaming and begging and being snotty to his parents until he got what he wanted. But you're totally teaching him to be a snot, and a sexist at that.


2. I can't say anything but post a picture:



Yes, this is a binky with cheesy, crappy "crystals" on it. And not only that, they come with things like CROWNS on them. Yeah, that's not going to create a child that has a major sense of entitlement, now is it? Or is it the parent that would buy this cheap looking piece of crap that is going to create a child with a huge sense of entitlement? Either way, if I ever ever see a child with this, I am so going to cross the street, even if it's a 6 lane highway at rush hour, to get away from this Drama Queen in training (cause, it's pink dude, so no boy would be allowed to use it!)
What the heck?

And yeah, people, I don't have a basketball in my shirt, and I'm not "glowing", but I'm going to be a Mom, so bite me that I have one of the precious, "in the club" scanners to put stuff on my registry. Do you really want to do hand to hand combat to get it away from me? Cause I've been waiting for my kid for over 2 years, so I think I've got what it takes to keep it in my grasp.

Sorry I don't fit your mold.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Thank God It's a Boy & Cover That Diaper With Camo

I know this is kinda an ironic topic, considering H will be coming from China, and H will probably be a girl, cause of ... But, I gotta pull myself out of this rut, and awhile back I had a tangent in my head, so I'm going to try and get it back.

And in the interest of full-disclosure, we did state a preference for a female child. But we said that we would gladly accept any child. Why? I don't know.

I have heard this time and time again: "Well, we're going to have one more, cause we really want a boy." and anything else along that line.

The one I've been hearing recently is swirling around M2 and her twins. She has one of each gender. This has been deemed in the ISO(In)Sanity 'hood to be the most amazing and 2nd coming of God that there has ever been around here, or so it seems.

A sampling:
"Boy and Girl? Ohhhhh....how amazing for her, she gets to have a boy too"
"Oh, must be so happy! He'll have a son."
"At least she won't have to go thru this again to get a son."
"A boy to be proud of."
"Thank God at least one of them is a boy. I couldn't imagine not getting at least one boy."

Huh?

HUH?

HUH?

What are you people smoking? These are the same people that talk about how "sad it is that China doesn't value their females." Hello? You are still exhibiting the same thought pattern as they are, in reverse. Really, in essence, it is the same!

Why, if she wanted 2 kids total, would she go thru a horrible round of ivf to get a 3rd, and hope it's a boy? This was not easy for her...and if it mattered so much, why didn't she do testing to find boys before implantation?

Does a boy mean instant pride and glory for the parents (father?)?

Does a boy mean that they will be cared for or something? Bring them fame and fortune? People will sense that there is something in that diaper of one of the bald babies in your double McClaren, and deem you, the father, A Man, because there's now two penis' in the household?

1/2 the girls in this country (not a statistically correct figure) keep their names now. I'm the last on my Dad's side of the family. I'm an only - no step-'s even. My father was an only. His Dad had one sister. His Dad only had female siblings. So I was the last baby born with our name. I did not keep my name when I got married. No one cared. My Dad and Grandfather both said at or around my wedding..."Well you should have at least gotten a more pronouncable name out of this marriage!" (I didn't.)

So what? What does a name mean? Great, the kid has the name, but that doesn't guarantee that he will live up to it, if it is something to be "lived up to". The daughter in this family may be the one that is to be proud of (or they both may be, or neither is also an option)...and even if she doesn't keep a name, a set of letters, doesn't her character mean more than 6 letters on a yearly IRS form? I want my child to live up to (her) potential, not keeping Great-Great-Grandad's name sacred.

The stores don't help this inequity either...
Pink and purple abound for girls, with cute little woodland critters, bunnies, or kitties, or fields and fields of flowers. And then there is the dreaded "message T" that is so popular now. "Princess" "Spoiled rotten (this can be on both genders)" "insert dramatic, non-achieving title/position/person". On undies and pjs...hearts, bows, ballerinas, and for some reason, a perponderence of mushrooms on things...

Boys? Sports, sports, sports. "Big Hitter" "Team 1" Camo colored underwear, "Daddy's Champ" Helicopters and all kinds of military whatever..."Tough kid" etc etc etc...Why not just not only show the big moose on the boy clothes, but the hunter shooting it too...would that help kick his testosterone up a notch?

No, I'm not going to put my boy in pink plaid pants and a pink polo shirt...he'd get his ass kicked, cause he'd look like a bad miniature version of an 80's Tom Cruise. I also wouldn't put my girl in it, cause I don't want my kid looking like a pepto bottle exploded all over her. But would I tell her she can't have the helicopter tshirt if that's what she liked? Would I tell my son he can't wear a pink polo shirt? No. Cause, really, what's the deal? And I don't want my son becoming a ballerina, cause, well, I hate ballet. I appreciate it, and it's probably cause my parents put me in dance so they could cure my 2 left feet, but it's not one of my top priorities for after school class. If it is requested, or an interest is shown, fine, sign H up. But I'm not going to seek it out.

H might become the best violinist, hockey player, free hands jazz dancer, reader of ancient texts, doctor, fighter pilot, accountant, photographer, fashion designer, engineer, carpenter, or flight attendent ever. And that's fine with me. Whichever gender H ends up being.

Don't teach our kids gender prioritizing or gender limitations...that's not fair...please.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Blah.

Blah.

That sums it up. Completely and totally.

Blah, blah, blah.

Work: Blah
Home: Blah
Desire to blog: Blah (yeah, I know, I have Terracotta Warriors, Shanghai and Gorges to still share with you...blah)
Eat? Blah
Sleep? OK, I'm up for that one. Sorta...till 4 in the morning, at least...
Concentrate? Blah.

I am so convinced that this month will be the month that tells us when we are going to get our referral, it was driving me nuts. It still is, but I'm just divorced from it at this point. I even wrote a long snarky, and hopefully smart, post about people who want to hide their bigotry, but still want to put it out there...I call is sissy racism. They know they are wrong, but until they own it, nothing will change. It's in my drafts folder. Do I post it? Blah...someone might get mad, and I'm not up for heated debate this week...

Even P has been irratating me this week. We had a "discussion" about things, things that seemed important, but they weren't. They were fueled by the stress over the adoption, and the stress over how we handle it differently. We don't "discuss" a lot, so this was big-ish. But we, I think, had made some connection and understood each other better at the end. Har. Har de har har. Last night, I was down by H's room, and so I plopped down in the new super comfy chair we had delivered right before we left on vacation (thanks C&B - I know I've kept your profits up over the years, but you do make comfy furniture!) in H's room. I sat there for all of 5 minutes and in P walks. "Whaddya doing in here?" "Nothin, just rocking." "Driving yourself crazy is more like it."

Do men hear when we talk? I don't think so. He went to sleep last night with a nice cold block of ice laying next to him. What part of the "discussion" of him invalidating my feelings of sadness over this and allowing me to deal with things my way did he not get? So now I'm crazy cause I am dealing with the feelings of needing here her by - gasp - sitting in her room for 5 stinking minutes, and just sorta daydreaming? Well, that "right before you are going to go to sleep, sorta thinking coherent thoughts kinda daydreaming"...Nice...here's what I think of our mutual respect for different coping mechanisms....ppppplllllhhhhbbbbbtttttt.

Disclaimer: P is 98.5% of the time the most wonderful husband you could want. It's that last 1% of the time that you think they there's somethings with that y chromosome that you just can't overcome. (Oh, and that other 0.5%, that's when I think they just dropped him on his head one too many times.)

This one is going to rear it's head again when we get to the point of waiting for T.A. or some other "A" or something during the wait to get to China - if they ever ask us to come (OK, some self-pity was thrown in there for some good measure, so sue me.) I just know it.

Blah.

Anyone got any suggestions to get me un-blah? At least suggestions to get me going on a ranting post? There's got to be something that'll get me worked up over something!

Friday, September 14, 2007

We're not in Kansas anymore


OK, so I know it's sport to find funny translations on signs, but I thought this one was just too hilarious. This was outside the panda sanctuary's outdoor habitats in Beijing. (Warning to soon visiting inlaws too, I think!)
There were a couple of really odd, only things that I can describe as "well, we're in Communist China now" events, and I thought I'd relay them to you!

1. We left our Yangtze river cruise in a city called Yichang. It was definetly the low point of the trip...I still owe you the story of the sturgeon research center. It's not that great, seeing as I was so dazed and confused by the whole experience that I didn't take any pics...but, I still have to think about how to tell that in a humorous way and not gross y'all out. The other thing we did there was we went to a museum while biding our time for our flight to Shanghai. The museum reminded P & I of our visits to the Soviet Union. Dark, abandoned but for us and staff, only 1/4 of the lights on etc etc etc. Some of the materials were very interesting, and they did their best to show us around and explain things in English. But they did it "all" in about 30 minutes. So it was what it was. OK, that was cool - I saw a few really spiffy artifacts. I was good. It didn't satisfy my museum craving, but it helped abate it for awhile. Then they took us to what I thought was the obligitory gift shop stop. In there, there was a table with doilys on it, with bronze figures, and a wall of shelves with pots and crocks and other ceramic things. Ok, reproductions...got it. Hah! No! They were selling things that were part of their collection! Yes! Not significant, Emporer Qin Shi Huangdi Death Mask kinda stuff, but real stuff. They gave the speech about things over such and such and age can't be exported, and assured us that this was all newer than that and we'd get appropriate paperwork. They were all things unearthed at the 3 Gorges Dam Site. Most were from early 20th century. There was a really cool mythical dragon/dog kinda thing, and it was "only" 900USD. Yes, I know, cheap for an antique. But I got the idea that they would haggle like the Hello People in the street, though probably not discount that much. And they said they were selling off these minor pieces to raise money for further restoration work and more research and a better muesum, and I get that in theory. But, to be in a muesum and be able to buy the stuff? It just seemed so....wrong! Another couple that was convinced I was buying everything Chinese I could get my hands on that could be described as art (I bought a lot of stuff from local painters/street artists etc), I could tell were watching me, guessing if anyone would do it, it would be me. And anyways, after 10 days in China, 900USD sounds so expensive. But I could never do it. It's my western view of things...

2. I was a minor celebrity in China. At the Great Wall, some soldiers walked up to it in formation, and when one of them turned and saw me, he fell out of step. I know my hair is very strawberry, but really? And then at the Pearl TV tower, I saw a pair of guys in their 20s looking at me and talking, and when I turned away but kept them in the corner of my eye, they whipped out their cells and took pics of me. I also had a lady point her water bottle at me and say to her family/friends "see her" (in Mandarin of course). Ahhhh...if I was only brave enough to dye the hair. Funny, I got most stares in the "big cities", not the small towns.

3. We had no life vests on 1 plane. It was a Sichuan Airlines flight from Xi'an to Chongqing. Brand spanking new A320, and a meal on a flight of 1.5 hours. But no life vests. I know, the chances of being in a position to use them, and survive initial impact are next to nothing...but it was a brand new plane...doesn't Airbus throw those in as a free gift with purchase?

3b. All the flights had food, and very courteous and almost subservient flight attendents.
3c. Every single flight were were on (3) was on time, and no one lost their luggage in our group of 25. I know, it's a small sampling to go off of, but oh my!
Definetly not the US anymore on that one!

4. One big guy on our trip asked a waitress if they had a "big plate" (i.e. dinner plate). He didn't like the appetizer ones that were always eating off of. She just cocked her head and looked at him and said "Big?" He just looked completely confused that she didn't understand, and she looked at him like he was a big dumb fat American. And she was right.

5. Everything about the Three Gorges Dam Project could fit under this heading, but it's also one I'm still thinking about how to post about. I've got very mixed emotions and thoughts on the whole thing. Still trying to sort it all out.

6. We were at what could be best described as a candy store in Shanghai. There were some "pre-mixed bags" if you didn't want to pick and choose. I understood different people at different counters seemed to be competing with each other. Commission or basically being seperate vendors or something. At the back of the store was a man and a woman with some bags between them. He started talking to us, and then she did too. They were talking to each other, and not in that chasing the other one away like they do when they've already pegged you as "their customer." So they seemed to be working together. She had a small pair of scissors, kinda like bonsai scissors. She offered us a tiny bit to taste. He spoke to her, then offered a price. All seemed well. I negotiated a little bit off - I know others could have gotten more, but I just wanted to buy the candy, as out time was short, so I got about 4 RMB off - I got him to agree on "er-shi", 20 yaun. I had the candy bag for P's coworkers in hand, in a shopping bag provided by the man. She was just standing there. P handed him the money. All hell broke loose. She started screaming at the man, and then, brandishing the scissors at him. P and I took that as our chance to vacate the premises. I did not know how to say "Ma'am, please step away from the scissors" in Mandarin, let alone make it sound authoritative enough. I didn't see any footage on the nightly news of a body under a sheet with something sticking out of his chest, so he must have talked her down.

I'm not knocking China in any way on any of these posts, please don't take it that way. I just enjoy seeing how different cultural things are - and not judging which one is better and which one is worse. I just somehow see the importance of travel in different ways than just showing you the picture of the Great Wall that everyone else shows you. Yes, I took it, and yes, P and I are also in one grinning like idiots, and it'll be in the family photo album, but, what's the fun in that here?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Let the Head Banging Begin

And, not in a good way...we interrupt this happy recall of vacations recently taken...

You are going to get to see me ranting about another hot topic for me. One, that for the sake of family peace in the P&K household, I try to keep my lip buttoned on. But, for the next few weeks, I think you're going to see it, and it's going to culminate the last weekend in September.

P's family is having a big to-do for a certain elderly family member. Fine. Wonderful. How sweet. Some of his family is ok, a few are really sweet, a bunch are clueless, and some have quite a painful past with me. All of them are converging on this major metropolis the last weekend in September.

So, I call an ancillary family member, who is listed on the RSVP note from work today. I tell her, up front, I'm at work. i.e. Keep this short, kind-hearted but deluded family member to my husband. Har. First off, they put an important note on a sticky note on the back of the invite. Hello!??! Then, I ask about what the sticky note really means...it's a project for said elderly person. What do they really want? "Oh I don't know - that's my brother's project. I don't really know anything about it." Really? Then why is it on the invite with your phone number? Is there a theme? No...do whatever you want. Like this makes it easier. Then she says I can pick a theme and she'll call everyone...hello? Not your project. And me, in their world a far removed ancillary family member in law, so I am so not stepping in that pile.

But this is all minor normal sweet but delusional in-law. I'm still ok, but eye rolling. And I want to get back to work.

Then...wham! "Have you heard anything from China yet?" Uhhhhhh...the typical yada yada...they are getting close, we're thinking December, hoping for November, preparing worst case for January. "Oh, so you know when you are getting her and where she is, right?" Grrrrr...how many times have I explained this? Oh, and yeah, you know, I'm going to forget to mention that we have a child now when I talk to you...yeah, right. Isn't that the first thing I'll tell you after not talking to you for 3+ months?

Then, the clincher..."And there was really no way to do anything in this country." Say this last part with dripping, intoned implications. This one person when first told we were adopting straight out said why not here, or Russia? i.e. Why do you want a minority kid? She's the same one who told us she didn't think her son was ready to settle down with his 1/2 german 1/2 mexican girlfriend of...oh, 10 years! She was great as a girlfriend...I don't think she was viewed as a great wife to be for her child. They don't treat her bad as far as I know, but they had a problem that I was raised protestant, so how was the Latin American thing really going over, you know?

I was angry. I was hurt. I was pissed. First, it's none of your damn business. Secondly, I have tried to educate them all a lot of times, and given up. Thirdly, I'm thinking, do I finally just ask her "why, isn't a chinese kid good enough for the family?" I digressed, but I laid out some of the horror stories on domestic adoption. (And don't flame me, I know that so many go well, but we chose what we chose because that is what we are comfortable with. Potato Potahto. And I wanted her to back off, ok?). "Oh my, so sad. You should be able to get a baby here. It would be so much nicer."

(Fade into dream sequence)...Fine...you know what? Don't come to my baby shower if someone ever throws one for me (yeah, you - you who have thrown them for every family member who has a functioning uterus). Don't come see my H when H comes home. You aren't my blood, I don't need you. Now stick this damn invite up your ass and show it to the rest of the family that hates anyone that isn't like them too, please, cause, frankly I'm sick of it after all these years...I'm sorry that I'm not Catholic, Polish, and my parents are divorced freaks, and we aren't all doctors like y'all. Guess what, we're not lesser than you. And our lovely child, who I will adore more than any of you, she's going to be Asian. Chinese actually, probably Han ethnicity....and I wouldn't trade that for a baby to come out of my womb. And I know that doesn't matter for a lick of shit to most of the world, but it does to you, so go sit on the other side of the city, and please stay there.(fade out of dream sequence).

Sorry - getting it all out of the way now, cause I've been hearing, well, crap, like that from them for 2 years now about H, and I'm going to have about 50-60 of them all doing this to me in a smidge over 2 weeks. (I know, I'm an ugly person, but that above is 14 years of pent up angst, so I'm not doing too bad, I don't think).

But, I sucked it up and said "we're just so excited to be able to go to China and be granted the privilege to raise one of their wonderful children. P and I think this is the right choice for us, and we can't wait for you to meet her."

Yes, I had my b.s. generator up to "11." Aren't you proud of me?

I'm going to have to put it on standby from now till the party, keep up the battery backups, cause I'm going to be needing more than hip waders (I've got a scuba suit on order) to get thru this event.