Two nights ago, I turned on my computer, sat with butterflies in my stomach, and waited to see the little icon turn green next to someone's name in my contacts list...when it did, my stomach lept right past my throat and into the ceiling above me. The I heard a little girl's voice impatiently pestering someone half-way around the world: "I want to see my mama, I want to see my baba, let me see them now."
The bravado quickly disappeared once she saw us. She was shy looking at us in the computer. We were getting short answers...which lengthened as the timer on the bottom of the screen clicked up with time. We got more eye contact, we got a few smiles, we saw her personality emerge in small glimpses - more towards her caretaker, but she was showing her true personality in fits and starts. Finally, giggles when baba swore up and down that yes, he likes the Chinese peppers too in food.
I was overwhelmed with the realization of the true depth of the language gap...she either didn't bother to listen to my feeble attempts at Mandarin, or found my tones so atrocious that she couldn't understand me. Truly in fear of the difference in societal norms for kids her age. She seemed so much younger than her age, she's smart, no doubt, but she's subservient in her thoughts, she did not feel at all comfortable in speaking her mind to us. She wanted to say whatever to please us, not realizing in this country that learning to be strong and sure of herself is a goal of parents.
I worry, she looked thinner, very very tired. She'd been in the SWI a month. And it looks like it is taking it's toll on her. I worry a lot.
And then I went to bed and laid there thinking about that hour...our first hour of life "together". And I thought about how she must have perceived the whole event...seeing the people who will come whisk her away, instantly to bigger, plusher hotels than she can imagine, onto planes she's only seen overhead, into a family that is completely foreign in more ways than one can imagine. The first time she heard us speak, in the language she will assimilate into, in the home she will inhabit, with all the mores and beliefs and history of "us" in this construct of a family she will join.
And there she had sat, worked up her guts and reached out to a new life waiting for her in clouded obscurity a world away. And she did all this sitting in a new place, a place that is foreign to her in the world she is used to...a place where she has recently had to work 24/7 to learn how to survive. Gone from what she has known for 4+ years...her family. She carried herself like a queen I believe, seeming small and fragile on the outside until you realized the strength carrying her thru to the point she's gotten to, and knowing that strength will continue to carry her thru farther than most of us could ever drive ourselves.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Enough with the fundraising already!
See, I'm liberal leaning. Not flaming pants liberal, but not a neo-con. I believe in helping someone when they are down...for awhile. Then I expect them to pick themselves up again. And I believe in frying people who do really bad things to society. Just so you know where I'm coming from.
But, honestly, why in hell do people think it's other people's jobs to pay for their adoptions??? Does anyone go to their friends and say "hey, husband and I had awesome sex a few months ago, and I've got a bun in the oven, so can everyone else chip in and buy me a crib, some clothes, pay my hospital co-pay, and buy me some maternity clothes?!?! I've got a 'chip-in' on my blog." Do they put one of those creepy 3-D ultrasound pictures on a poster board and post it in front of a garage sale and toss a cute "jimmy's here" shirt on mom with an arrow pointing to her belly to entice people to buy their old stuff, for the sake of little Jimmy??
Do people ask churches to pony up so their husbands can squirt in a cup and the Dr can mix it in a petri dish?
Then, why the hell do people expect other people to pay for their children thru adoption??? Whose job is it raise these kids? Us, the parents. Is it my job to feed my kid? Yes. To clothe her? Yes. To put her thru college? Yes. Then why is it not my job to bring her home?
And there's these people out there who cry "we've done 2 adoptions in 2 years" or "well, this will be our 7th". Kudos to you, cause Lord knows I can't parent 7 kids. But it ISN'T MY JOB! You want 7 kids? Make enough money for 7 kids. You want to bring hom 2 in 14 months? Save your pennies, cut your cable and cell phone, dear gawd, even take out a loan (shudder)...but PAY FOR IT YOURSELF!!!
A. your child isn't a charity case. Don't set your kid up to be told by Martha at church (nicely, hopefully), or Brittany the 7 year old down the street (unkindly as a jab), that they assisted your kid's parents in buying them.
B. We're adults. Don't bite off more than you can chew. If you can't afford 7 kids, stop at 6. If you can't afford 2, stop at 1. I'd love a 650,000USD house that I saw up the street, but I can't afford it, so guess what? I didn't buy it. I want to travel to Australia. But I don't have the money. If it's cause you did two adoptions fast, well, maybe then you have to wait a few years till you adopt a third.Cause guess what? That’s what life is all about. Just cause it’s a kid, doesn’t mean that the laws of economics don’t apply. We all roll our eyes at people who have too many kids by birth and really just say “shut your legs already”…so what’s the difference? Cause, you know what, they get more expensive when they get here...
I also don't buy the argument "we can feed them and love them but we can't afford all the crazy adoption fees". Well, I can afford to maintain that 650k house, but I don't have 650k in my wallet, so guess what? I don't have it. That's part of the expense of a child thru adoption.
I went thru infertility. I wanted to have children so bad it hurt. But I don't have a right to a child. I do have a duty though to my child here and all children I would like to have to be fiscally responsible for the sake of the family. I have a responsiblity to keep my child's story private too. I have a responsibility to take on the responsibility of that child, no matter what comes with it. That's my role as a parent.
But, honestly, why in hell do people think it's other people's jobs to pay for their adoptions??? Does anyone go to their friends and say "hey, husband and I had awesome sex a few months ago, and I've got a bun in the oven, so can everyone else chip in and buy me a crib, some clothes, pay my hospital co-pay, and buy me some maternity clothes?!?! I've got a 'chip-in' on my blog." Do they put one of those creepy 3-D ultrasound pictures on a poster board and post it in front of a garage sale and toss a cute "jimmy's here" shirt on mom with an arrow pointing to her belly to entice people to buy their old stuff, for the sake of little Jimmy??
Do people ask churches to pony up so their husbands can squirt in a cup and the Dr can mix it in a petri dish?
Then, why the hell do people expect other people to pay for their children thru adoption??? Whose job is it raise these kids? Us, the parents. Is it my job to feed my kid? Yes. To clothe her? Yes. To put her thru college? Yes. Then why is it not my job to bring her home?
And there's these people out there who cry "we've done 2 adoptions in 2 years" or "well, this will be our 7th". Kudos to you, cause Lord knows I can't parent 7 kids. But it ISN'T MY JOB! You want 7 kids? Make enough money for 7 kids. You want to bring hom 2 in 14 months? Save your pennies, cut your cable and cell phone, dear gawd, even take out a loan (shudder)...but PAY FOR IT YOURSELF!!!
A. your child isn't a charity case. Don't set your kid up to be told by Martha at church (nicely, hopefully), or Brittany the 7 year old down the street (unkindly as a jab), that they assisted your kid's parents in buying them.
B. We're adults. Don't bite off more than you can chew. If you can't afford 7 kids, stop at 6. If you can't afford 2, stop at 1. I'd love a 650,000USD house that I saw up the street, but I can't afford it, so guess what? I didn't buy it. I want to travel to Australia. But I don't have the money. If it's cause you did two adoptions fast, well, maybe then you have to wait a few years till you adopt a third.Cause guess what? That’s what life is all about. Just cause it’s a kid, doesn’t mean that the laws of economics don’t apply. We all roll our eyes at people who have too many kids by birth and really just say “shut your legs already”…so what’s the difference? Cause, you know what, they get more expensive when they get here...
I also don't buy the argument "we can feed them and love them but we can't afford all the crazy adoption fees". Well, I can afford to maintain that 650k house, but I don't have 650k in my wallet, so guess what? I don't have it. That's part of the expense of a child thru adoption.
I went thru infertility. I wanted to have children so bad it hurt. But I don't have a right to a child. I do have a duty though to my child here and all children I would like to have to be fiscally responsible for the sake of the family. I have a responsiblity to keep my child's story private too. I have a responsibility to take on the responsibility of that child, no matter what comes with it. That's my role as a parent.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The Real Meaning of "Waiting Child"
Now my daughter is a waiting child. A true waiting child. She is only now truly waiting for us. A was moved to the SWI in charge of her file a few weeks ago, unbeknowst to us. Of course we didn't know...we're not allowed to know next to anything officially. She was moved on the day we were DTC, ironically enough.
My daughter was taken out of a loving stable foster home she has been in for over 5 years to live in an institution. From the accounts I've gotten, it's a good one. But she's gone from the only family she's ever known. And I didn't know. And we caused it, technically. That's a hard pill to swallow...the first real effect we've had on her life is to cause that move, and to not be aware of it.
We had hoped, with how our state had fucked around with our paperwork, that they would not move her so soon. We had hoped that we would know. We had had a guess it would happen this summer, but...well, there were a lot of hopes.
And we understand why they did it. In principal at least. They don't want her to equate us with being taken away. But...she's older than most. She is aware. She's not a 2, 3 year old who viscerally reacts and doesn't understand the connections (s)he is making. No. This is an 8.5 year old girl. A girl who was loved...oh dear gawd was she loved. A girl who was actually being prepared for the adoption by her foster mother. Scratch that - a girl who was being prepared by her mother to be adopted. That to me was the best scenario possible - a loving stable home telling her this is good and they want her to be ready...it's not always that way, but in this case, it was. But rules don't see exceptions. No matter when they did it, she knows why she was moved. And now...right now...she is sleeping in a strange bed, in a group facility, with unknown kids and unknown social mores and unknown schedules and unknown fate. That's a lot for a child of 8.5 to be going thru...for the promise from some strangers 1/2 a world away that they are going to come for her, and that it's all going to be worth it.
My daughter is 8.5. Older than most would consider adopting, and that's fine. But she's not the 13 year old that is about to age out so that China moves mountains to hand carry their paperwork thru...so how long will she languish there? We don't have LID yet. We should have it. But we don't. So how long? We made a promise to be there by the end of the year...that's 6 months. Will China and the US allow us to keep that promise? Will she really have to be there 6 months? I can't hope for the special paperwork pushing cause she's not a special case to anyone but us. And nothing paperwork wise has gone well this adoption...thank you Illinois.
What does she have with her? Was she allowed to take her cherished belongings from home? Was she allowed to take her stuffed animal we saw in the video? Was she allowed pictures of her family? Was she allowed the scrapbook of her new life and the gifts we sent her? If anything, I hope she was allowed to fill the backpack we sent her with things from her life - we have a future together, I hope she was allowed to keep her past.
And I think about her foster sibs. I really think about her foster brother. Less than a year apart, tight as can be from what we know. He's up for adoption too. No one wants an 8 year old boy it seems. I've tried to advocate for him. I'll keep advocating for him...here and everywhere.
And her foster mother. I know she loves A. I saw it when she looked straight at me thru the lens of a video camera a few months ago and spoke to my husband and I. I saw her bury it quickly under Chinese dignity, but I saw it before she could stop it from bubbling to the surface...the pain in her eyes and the rock in her throat choking her at the thought of it.
This is what it means to be a "waiting child". She is waiting for a new life to start, paddling to keep going and learn a new temporary life. "Waiting child" is a monicker normally given to all the SN kids that are waiting...it gives a warm fuzzy name to a list of kids that many Chinese feel are unadoptable. It gives many APs the belief that these kids, older to a degree, will be happy to come here, that they truly are "waiting" for us, when in reality they are not.
Yes, this is short term. Yes, in the long term, this is good for A too...for 1001 reasons why she shouldn't stay in China. And yes, we have been given more info than we thought possible at the beginning of this, and for that I am thankful every moment of every day. But for right now, until my chalkboard score is more positives than negatives, it feels like crap to be in the negative with how I've affected her life.
My daughter was taken out of a loving stable foster home she has been in for over 5 years to live in an institution. From the accounts I've gotten, it's a good one. But she's gone from the only family she's ever known. And I didn't know. And we caused it, technically. That's a hard pill to swallow...the first real effect we've had on her life is to cause that move, and to not be aware of it.
We had hoped, with how our state had fucked around with our paperwork, that they would not move her so soon. We had hoped that we would know. We had had a guess it would happen this summer, but...well, there were a lot of hopes.
And we understand why they did it. In principal at least. They don't want her to equate us with being taken away. But...she's older than most. She is aware. She's not a 2, 3 year old who viscerally reacts and doesn't understand the connections (s)he is making. No. This is an 8.5 year old girl. A girl who was loved...oh dear gawd was she loved. A girl who was actually being prepared for the adoption by her foster mother. Scratch that - a girl who was being prepared by her mother to be adopted. That to me was the best scenario possible - a loving stable home telling her this is good and they want her to be ready...it's not always that way, but in this case, it was. But rules don't see exceptions. No matter when they did it, she knows why she was moved. And now...right now...she is sleeping in a strange bed, in a group facility, with unknown kids and unknown social mores and unknown schedules and unknown fate. That's a lot for a child of 8.5 to be going thru...for the promise from some strangers 1/2 a world away that they are going to come for her, and that it's all going to be worth it.
My daughter is 8.5. Older than most would consider adopting, and that's fine. But she's not the 13 year old that is about to age out so that China moves mountains to hand carry their paperwork thru...so how long will she languish there? We don't have LID yet. We should have it. But we don't. So how long? We made a promise to be there by the end of the year...that's 6 months. Will China and the US allow us to keep that promise? Will she really have to be there 6 months? I can't hope for the special paperwork pushing cause she's not a special case to anyone but us. And nothing paperwork wise has gone well this adoption...thank you Illinois.
What does she have with her? Was she allowed to take her cherished belongings from home? Was she allowed to take her stuffed animal we saw in the video? Was she allowed pictures of her family? Was she allowed the scrapbook of her new life and the gifts we sent her? If anything, I hope she was allowed to fill the backpack we sent her with things from her life - we have a future together, I hope she was allowed to keep her past.
And I think about her foster sibs. I really think about her foster brother. Less than a year apart, tight as can be from what we know. He's up for adoption too. No one wants an 8 year old boy it seems. I've tried to advocate for him. I'll keep advocating for him...here and everywhere.
And her foster mother. I know she loves A. I saw it when she looked straight at me thru the lens of a video camera a few months ago and spoke to my husband and I. I saw her bury it quickly under Chinese dignity, but I saw it before she could stop it from bubbling to the surface...the pain in her eyes and the rock in her throat choking her at the thought of it.
This is what it means to be a "waiting child". She is waiting for a new life to start, paddling to keep going and learn a new temporary life. "Waiting child" is a monicker normally given to all the SN kids that are waiting...it gives a warm fuzzy name to a list of kids that many Chinese feel are unadoptable. It gives many APs the belief that these kids, older to a degree, will be happy to come here, that they truly are "waiting" for us, when in reality they are not.
Yes, this is short term. Yes, in the long term, this is good for A too...for 1001 reasons why she shouldn't stay in China. And yes, we have been given more info than we thought possible at the beginning of this, and for that I am thankful every moment of every day. But for right now, until my chalkboard score is more positives than negatives, it feels like crap to be in the negative with how I've affected her life.
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