Maybe It's Biology?

OK, I've been pondering this for a few days...actually, it's been rolling around in my head for longer than that...

H loves seeing Chinese people. She gets gleeful. She likes other Asian faces too, but she goes crazy happy when she sees a Chinese person. A week after we were home, we went to Arbys (I know, high class cusine) on the way to my office to show her off...one Chinese man was there. She fixated on him. OK, I get it...she lived in China for 10.5 months. Didn't think too much about it...

We went to Easter with P's extended family...this branch of the family is 50% Irish, 25% Polish, and 25% Lithuanian...so, guess what they look like, and that's how they look. One of the sons' daughters came up to meet H...she looks at her, looks at me...looks at H...looks back at her mother and says "Yes, but did she grow in her tummy?!" The mom looked shocked, and said "No, she's a very special baby...she came all the way from China to join our family." (That's why I like this one cousin and his wife - they aren't crazy like some of them.) So, the daughter comes over to me (she's 4 btw) and says "But she didn't grow in your tummy?!" So I gave a very short and clean explanation of why H came from China to live with us. She answered "OK" and went off to play, and was nice to H the rest of the day. She accepted her, just wanted to know "the story."

What has my mind realing about this?!
1. Mom to child said she had told the kids they were going to meet their new cousin. She never mentioned once her story, or that she was adopted.
2. The mom looks NOTHING like her husband (the blood relative) or her kids - they all look like Dad...the mom is 1/2 Mexican. Dark hair, dark skin, totally different. So, you would think of any of the cousin's families, these kids wouldn't notice as much, as they look nothing like their mother.

So - is it wired in our heads to play the "what doesn't belong?!" game? I know she's never heard a rascist thing from her 2 parents. They also live in a pretty diverse area.

Just makes you wonder what we are born with inside our gray matter...

Tomorrow...H turns a year old. I may be tempted to post a pic for a day. I can't believe I'm going to be celebrating a birthday with my daughter...I'm still in awe every morning when that monitor lights up and I hear the babbles.

A Month Ago...

A month ago, we bundled up and angry, tired and confused child, and trundled back to the government office where she had been given to us a day before. A whole month ago!!! Her hair has grown and started to thicken, a tooth has come in, she's learned to reach for us, she learned to wave goodbye today...she's travelled 1/2 way around the world (like a champ), and had her world turned upside down and rebuilt (even though she doesn't realize it is how it will be forever now). She's gained so many skills and life lessons, but she still has so far to go to feel "at home." She seems at home, but I know in 3 months, I'll look back at this stage and laugh that I ever thought that sentiment.

I can't believe it's been a month.

We've slept more (and less some nights) than we ever have, but never been more tired. I have a learned routine to go down every night to her room and listen to her sleeping for 15 seconds(why, I don't know, it makes me feel better). I've learned to eat, wipe, pay bills, and clean just about anything in the house, with one hand, balancing a 21lb baby on the other side. I'm still slow on the draw with the diaper when it's a messy one, or she refuses to not squirm 1/2way across the floor during the process. My back is killing me! I still get internally so frustrated when she just wants to scream - I don't know what all the different nuances of scream mean yet, but I'm learning. I've put on makeup I think a total of 5 or 6 days in the last month, and probably 4 of those days, it was probably just base and mascara. Yet, somehow my skin doesn't look beautiful. I eat less, but somehow haven't lost any weight either. I have a little worrying mommy voice in the back of my head all the time now.

Life is totally different, but still somehow the same. I don't know how to explain it...we've added such a big change to our lives, but life is still life, with a HUGE twist. But I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. (Though maybe for a competent lab that wouldn't keep screwing up my daughter's blood work! That's how much they've messed up, but that's another story for another bitchy post.)

But to anyone out there who thinks myself, or any of my adoption buddies took the "easy way out"...Ha! Come do this month. You'll crumble...I promise. If not, then you would realize that we are not 2nd class parents at all. We've earned our spit-covered cashmere sweaters just like you.

Happy 1 month Peanut. It's been the most amazing month of my life.

Evil S-I-L

OK, can I vent? Pllllleeeeaaaaasssseeeeeee?!?!

You know my evil, self-absorbed, SIL, right? The one who is going to be the world's most bestest auntie ever...the one who said she was going to take H to DisneyWorld and the beach, and let her dog lick her and give her kisses (yeah, that's a great wish for my new kid for her 100 wishes quilt...dog spit.)

The one who hasn't bothered to do squat for her new niece?

She posted on our private, mommy-blog about a week ago (I hate to admit I have one for the family...so sue me, I'm a hypocrite...yes, I post all the "happy" baby updates for them) about how cute H was, and that she was so happy that she is the only one who can "officially" call herself H's aunt.

The one who was invited to the shower and didn't come (I understand, she lives out of state), but didn't send a card or a gift. Or even email.

The one, when she heard how sick we were on the trip didn't even send us an email to check on us.

The one who hasn't sent an email to check on her new special niece.

The one who hasn't sent a card for her new niece.

The one who hasn't called either...

The one who hasn't sent a gift to her new niece.

Soooooo...she thinks someday I'm going to send my kid down to see her?! What exactly is this witch smoking?! Cause I want some of that fairy dust...

The inlaws are coming a month from now to meet H for a weekend (they have a conference, so they can come up no cost, cause that's what matters)...so, we ask, are you bringing SIL? The one who wants to see H so bad?

No...she's saving her vacation time for this summer's big trip.

Can't wait to see the effort she makes for H's bday in 2 weeks. Yeah, she's a great aunt...I'm sooooo impressed.

Keep dreaming lady.

I think we've started to hit our stride

OK, she fought the morning nap today, which is shocking, cause she got up early, by about an hour...but still, I think we're getting there.

Yesterday was really really good. We had a happy baby all day (she took one good nap, and snoozed for what I'm calling a small afternoon nap) - no nap = angry baby. She has anxiety about me leaving her in her crib now, so she won't close her eyes while I'm there anymore. Usually, it's a minute or 2 of crying and she's out. She found some new food she loved (yams and turkey baby mush for dinner, and then she tried tapioca. She LOVED tapioca.)

She also finally figured out how to roll over onto her stomach. She'd been fighting it for quite awhile (even just being on her tummy), but Dad's been working with her, and then her and I spent about an hour with O Cat in the library in the morning. Roll one way, see O in the sunbeam on the bench...roll the other way, all her favorite toys. She didn't roll over then, but she did it multiple times in the afternoon. And now she's proud of herself, so she giggles uncontrollably when she does it, sometimes so hard that she rolls back over in her fits! :)

She seemed to realize that she's not getting meds anymore, it had been a few days since the last doctor-related activity (the evil blood draw #1 - I'm trying to not relive it by telling the story), and she seems so happy about that.

She's waaaay into clapping, and she's learned to "give 5". I swear she said "itty" when she saw the cats twice yesterday, but P doesn't believe me. She makes kissy noises at them. And then giggles. She's sooooo close to talking. But, we've figured out a hand sign she's made up for when she wants more food, we think, so that helps us a bit too...a little less screaming since we started copying/responding to that. I think we'll get a lot less screaming once she makes the final steps to speech. She's so close, yet so far. She's making much more progress on that than her balance.

I don't want to say life is anything close to normal, I don't even know what normal is yet, but it's starting to feel right.

Changsha, Hunan

OK? How do I sum up the first few days of life as a mother? Hard...confusing...amazing...frustrating...proud....

H had a rough transistion. Was it hard? For us, yes. In the scheme of adoptions, no.

The first night, she of course only slept on and off for at most 2 hours at a time. Which is better than a lot of kids do! She fell asleep in P's arms. We pushed it and tried to put her in her crib. Hah! Then we rocked for a few hours. Then I got her to sleep...I finally got onto the bed, Indian-style, and then worked her into my lap. She slept like that for probably 2 hours. Hey, it was a break! But, what we expected. At the end of the first night, P looked at me and said "Newborns don't sleep thru the night, right?!" I said that that was right. He responded with "I don't ever need a newborn!"

The first days...H needed constant contact and movement. If the bus stopped, the screaming started! If we tried to sit and eat while holding her? The screaming started. She didn't use a highchair till the last night in China. She just needed that feeling. It took me an hour and a half of rocking to get her down the 2nd night. We ate in shifts, while feeding her right away, one tried to eat a few bites, then switch off, and at some point she'd scream...and we'd take her for walks in the restaurant and lobby. We'd go by the florist shop, there was a waving kitty statue, she loved it. Of course, that didn't totally work for her, but it got her thru. It didn't totally work for us either - one day, we think due to dehydration and sickness, P passed out at the table one morning. Just "bang" the head went from resting in his hand to the table top.

The good? The kid, once she got down, she was out. Period. She didn't nap in Hunan, so she was toast by bedtime. So she went down, usually for almost 12 hours. She does that here too. It is a blessing.

She didn't want change. Once we did something, she wanted it. We didn't take her bottom layer off from the SWI till about Day 3. Luckily, I think it was all "new" and had never been worn before. They were a light layer of split pants pjs, so we used it as a 2nd layer. She needed that constant. We only sponge bathed her in Hunan - she wouldn't have tolerated being stripped. We'd do it at diaper changes or clothing changes. Luckily, she was very clean when we got her.

I don't remember the first time she giggled per se, but it was in Hunan. We'd get little nose scrunches here and there. I know she gave a small grin the first day. She knew how to blow raspberries when we got her, and she'd do it when she was bored with us. I think she giggled a smidge the first morning when she blew raspberries at me while we were feeding her congee, and it went all over P's dress pants.

She also didn't like the room we were staying in. They told us we might very well want to coccoon. Hell no. We were boring to her. She was used to a SWI with things happening, sound, movement, kids, people. Just the 3 of us in a boring beige room? Hah! We learned quickly, even though we were both feeling "dead" that it was better to go on tours with the group in the afternoon, to make the trek to Walmart, the Friendship store etc....things to see, people to investigate. She's still like that here. Better, but still like that. It's worth it to go thru the trouble (though it isn't really, as long as you have food and a quick hand) to take her out to eat!

As to Changsha? The Dolton was nice, I thought the main restaurant was ok, not a great selection...and I didn't want to pay for the buffet. Not in the state we were in, and with how little she was letting us eat! The beds were hard. We like hard beds...by the end of that week, my hips ached every second from the bed. The city? Pollution, cement, not walking friendly. There wasn't a lot to do near the hotel. Not a lot of places to go eat. Just not friendly to the situation we were in. Honestly, I don't miss it.

Honestly, most of that time, I felt like I was somewhere between a babysitter and a mom. I instantly became very protective of her. I worried about everything that happened. Now, I feel a lot like "mama", I have to say that hearing her say it, that made it feel real. I'm sure a month from now, I'll laugh at the notion that I felt like a mom, but I feel it now...but not in Hunan. That may sound bad of me, but it's the truth. I cared for her, but I didn't love her. But I can honestly say, every day I wake up with her, my feelings for her have grown. And that's all I can ask.

Sometimes I worry that I failed my daughter...

I know that this is a new mom freakout, but I fear sometimes that I've already failed H in some ways...

We were sick in China. Dead sick. I got it the first day in PEK. P got it the night before we got H. We both ran fevers of over 101. We both lost a lung to coughing. We were both achy and listless. We made it thru the trip - that's it. With a lot of help.

We've been to 5 continents. I've been struck by a bicyclist in London - his fault, I swear. We're experienced travellers. We've never been to a doctor (even in London) outside the country. EVER. I've puked both my lungs out in Leningrad, still never went to a doctor.

This trip? I was begging to go to the hospital. I fear foreign hospitals. I was beeegggggging....

P had passed out from dehydration one morning at breakfast.

That's how sick we were.

I fear that we've already failed H. We weren't at our best for her. We rocked and cuddled thru the night, we fed her looking her in the eye, etc etc etc, but I wonder how the bonding could have been helped if we hadn't been so sick. We even had to give her to some travelmates one night for an hour or so, just to rest. They were great with her. Did she get affected by that? By being passed around?

I feel also that I haven't done things to document what we needed to document. We have pictures, yes, but we don't have nearly what I thought we had, what the rest of the group has. We just couldn't. I have video of some of the rest of our group getting their children, I don't have it of us - it was chaotic there, I didn't think they were going to start doing the placements, and then boom we were 2nd. I was too tired and befuddled with meds and sickness to even think ahead to ask someone to video.

There are a few things that I wish I had bought her in China. I got to the Walmart to get supplies in province, and I suffered a set back for 3 days for it. I couldn't go hunting for what I wanted for her. I don't care about the squeaky shoes and the dresses, I can go to Chinatown here, and the miracle of the internet can take care of that. But there were some nice things I wanted to get her, that weren't readily found, and I didn't have the stamina to find them for her.

Will she feel she lost something because of this?

For an uplifting end to this post, we took her to our favorite Chinese restaurant for their amazing Dim Sum yesterday, and H was in heaven. She sat in a booster for over 2 hours, happy. She was watching all the Chinese people intently. One pack of gerber stage 2 peas, and then bits and pieces of dim sum, torn up really small, cause mama is paranoid. The kid is definetly not a vegetarian. She loves all parts of bbq pork buns, just like her mama too. We brought home some pieces of dim sum as leftovers for her.

And, it's 2:36p, and I've made it thru most of my first day alone with her. She finally took a nap. She was raging, she was sooo tired (played with her feet instead of napping this morning.). If this kid is so mad she won't eat, she's really tired! She never misses a meal! She misses P I think, she was babbling "dadadada" a lot this morning. Normally, whomever is holding her, that's what she babbles. She's not taking to the pack and play though, between being tired, and this change in routine. Thankfully, Auntie L is coming tomorrow for at least moral support.

I don't have pictures of our first day alone together either...

Placement

OK, H is still napping (she doesn't like to go down for naps), so we'll see how far I get....

The day of placement was 02/18. We were supposed to get the babies at 9am. It got moved to 3pm. Torture! They said it was because some of the babies had to drive really far. Our SWI is supposedly between 6-8 hours away, and one other (we had babies from 4 SWIs) was about 6 hours away, so unlike what I've heard in the past sometimes happens, they did not bring them the day before. I can't imagine what that added to the stress of the day for her.

We went to the 3rd floor of civil affairs, into a wood panelled room, with lots of chairs, a large waiting room basically. There were children being held, sitting there - totally unknowing what was to come. Even though nothing was really going on, my head was buzzing like it was chaos. I was sure I'd start sobbing at any moment, but amazingly, I never did. I realized after about 3 minutes that these were our babies. I don't know why it took a minute to sink in, but as soon as I did, I whispered (why, I have no idea) "Is H here?" P couldn't figure out if she was there wither. She was, and I think if I had been thinking I would have been able to pick her out, but I couldn't focus on any of the faces. I do have to say, going back to the crying thing, when we went into the elevator to get to the 3rd floor, and then saw the sign when we got out for the dept), I was holding back tears. So, we're trying to focus and look at the faces of these children, and then our guide comes over to the group and says "They are going to give you the babies now." The family with twins went first, and we were all videoing them...I hope someone got video of us, I didn't even think to ask anyone - and then he tugged on my sleeve and said, "Here, you go next - there's your baby." We took 4 steps, and poof, she was in our arms (mine to be exact).

She just stared at us. She pushed back from me a bit, not to get away, I don't think. She just wanted a better look at this new person. She would whip her head when she moved it. She would look over one of my shoulders for a few minutes, then whip it to look over the other, then look at P. She just was absorbing. The nanny had disappeared right away. H smelled of coal. I can't even open the bag her clothes were in now...they smell so heavily of the acid smell.

After about 10 minutes, she started wimpering. Then a tear. Then a little anxiety. We took her to the window to look out. We've learned that she loves seeing movement and activity, so that calmed her for a bit. Then a group of Europeans came in and got mostly toddlers. Chaos really ensued. Lots of screaming. That jacked up H. The tears started flowing. We tried to make her a bottle, but she wouldn't take it. We bounced, rocked, cooed etc...somehow we kept her somehow "not hysterical", except for small bouts of time. We took pics of other families, and milled around, I guess as our guide handled the administration of the handover.

The nanny came over to get her thank you gift, we took a picture or 2. I didn't know what to ask - I was so focused on watching H's reaction to her. There was none. I don't think this woman cared for H daily. She could have cared less that she was there! I asked how she took her bottles, as we had gotten formula and rice cereal. Her answer? "Normal"...yeah, it took us 3 days to get a bottle thick enough with a big enough hole in the nipple that she would accept it (thank God for congee and steamed egg!).

Then they told us it was time to leave. What a strange thing, it felt like. Here was this giant baby (she was in a snowsuit, and sweater outfit and pjs), and they just handed her to us and said "bye, see you tomorrow." She looks so much like the pictures we got, I couldn't believe that I didn't recognize her instantly. The same lips, the same eyes. I just kept looking at her. I couldn't believe she was more than a picture. And I was so engrossed in trying to make her happy. She wouldn't take the soft giraffe with the teether feet. We saw during one scream that she did have 4 teeth, 2 up, 2 down. She liked hard toys, but wasn't sure about taking them from us yet. She liked to touch our faces. I tried to let her, but control it a bit, I didn't want her to get my death plague I was trying to get over.

So, we piled into the elevator, down to the foyer, piled into the bus, and went back to the hotel. H just watched out the window, sometimes looking back at us. If the bus stopped, she screamed. She does that to this day in her carseat. God help us if we ever end up on the expressway in rush hour! She watched every single thing on the street that day. I'm sure it's all in her brain cells, every detail.

We got back to the hotel, they told us they needed a paperwork person, and the other parent (parent, who where they talking about?!?!) was to go to the room with the child. We went dashing back, got the stuff I needed, took off her outermost coat as she was sweating a storm, I asked P if he'd be ok, and I went to do paperwork.

I came back, she had her snowpants off too now, she had a toy in her hand, and she was watching BBC news on her Dad's lap. Yes, my 10.5 month old was engrossed in world politics on BBC. This was definetly my child.

OK, that's enough for now...have to check in with work. This may seem like a very clinical telling of this part of the story, but that's how it feels! It was very mechanical, very business like...I'd like to romanticize it, like we hear so much, but it wasn't. It was something that happens every day, all day, in that office. I thought on that as she lay between my knees that night sleeping (hey, it worked), and it was an overwhelming thought. Every day. All day. Babies brought here to be adopted out. It made me cry. But it is a fact of life there. And I'm one when under stress to buckle down and do what has to be done. My heart was beating a million miles a minute, that my child was in my arms, but I just buckled down and did what had to be done, like the people working in that office. I seemed to hold my breath for 24 hours though, until the paperwork was done. To know that China saw her as ours. It was just how I was. I had to focus on keeping her happy. Keep focusing on forms to be filled out. Focus on when she cried, to find out what would make her stop.

Speaking of, the baby has woken up...lunch time.

We're home...

It was a grueling trip - I was crazy ill the whole time, and H had a rough adjustment, but she's awesome, and we've been home two days, and she's battling a double-ear infection, but we'll manage thru...she learned to dance last night, and that alone made it all worth it...

I just wanted to let everyone out there know we are back home. I've got some (ok, tons) of thoughts rolling around in my head, but H has been asleep for 45 minutes, so I've got to get off to bed and use this time wisely!