OK, Mr Customer Guy...you send me a project you set up 2 months ago, that needs web programming upgrades (but you only sent to us last week), and then send me emails with swear words in it cause you are mad that I haven't flipped it in a crazy short period of time? Off of a product setup spreadsheet that had 90% filled out wrong - by you?
Dude...Dilbert could run another 5 years just off of what you put me thru every. single. stinkin'. day.
Thankfully, every other customer is not like you. And I like working with them. I wish I could really send this post to you.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Saved By The Wii...
P is a lucky guy. I was sooooo angry with him yesterday. I'm still mad, but not seething anymore. He gets pigheaded sometimes, and well, he's been pigheaded on this trip to Singapore that he has to take later in the year, and I got mad. I don't like being told that I'm not wanted, in not so many words. To report fairly, he says that he never said nor implied such a thought or concept. To this side of the marriage, it seemed like it was on a 20ft billboard in 18ft letters. Whatever. He's made his flight arrangements (first class too!), so what's done is done. I'm just seething that he got mad that I thought I might see if The Mother (I know, I know, what am I thinking on that) might want to go to Hawaii or Europe with me while he's gone.
Anywhoooooo...what saved us both from mutual annihilation last night?
A Wii...an allpowerful (apparently) Wii...
We've been looking for one of these things for 2 months - no I won't pay the overcharge on Amaz** that people are selling them for. P found it in a Target on his way home last night. AND, he also was able to get one for my Dad, cause he's been wanting one too. He played it in good K fashion - he asked to be let around the 1 Wii rule, as his FIL really wants one. The guy assumed some little old bald guy who's kinda hunched over apparently - he said "Yeah, I hear they use them in nursing homes and such cause it's good for the old people." and then gave the other one to P to buy. Har! My Dad is 90% bald on top, but he's only 60, and seriously, except for the gray at the sides, you'd think he's 52, tops. Whatever, P and I are Wii heroes when I take this thing to the office to give it to him.
See, I'm a predicitable pet of Pavlov, just for the record...everyone at work just about got one of these things. I was curious, but they started talking about them, and how cool they are. So I wanted one. Then I couldn't find it...so I needed one. We've looked, and P told me he's been stopping a lot of places without telling me, which is sweet. 98.5% of the time, he's an awesome guy, the rest of the time? Grrrrrrrr....
But, we have not Wii'd yet. We have torn the box apart, checking it out, but P wants a special something cable before we pull the tv off the wall...oh yeah, he got that a few weeks ago.
And P chipping his tooth also distracted us.
He got out of that fight, huh?
Anywhoooooo...what saved us both from mutual annihilation last night?
A Wii...an allpowerful (apparently) Wii...
We've been looking for one of these things for 2 months - no I won't pay the overcharge on Amaz** that people are selling them for. P found it in a Target on his way home last night. AND, he also was able to get one for my Dad, cause he's been wanting one too. He played it in good K fashion - he asked to be let around the 1 Wii rule, as his FIL really wants one. The guy assumed some little old bald guy who's kinda hunched over apparently - he said "Yeah, I hear they use them in nursing homes and such cause it's good for the old people." and then gave the other one to P to buy. Har! My Dad is 90% bald on top, but he's only 60, and seriously, except for the gray at the sides, you'd think he's 52, tops. Whatever, P and I are Wii heroes when I take this thing to the office to give it to him.
See, I'm a predicitable pet of Pavlov, just for the record...everyone at work just about got one of these things. I was curious, but they started talking about them, and how cool they are. So I wanted one. Then I couldn't find it...so I needed one. We've looked, and P told me he's been stopping a lot of places without telling me, which is sweet. 98.5% of the time, he's an awesome guy, the rest of the time? Grrrrrrrr....
But, we have not Wii'd yet. We have torn the box apart, checking it out, but P wants a special something cable before we pull the tv off the wall...oh yeah, he got that a few weeks ago.
And P chipping his tooth also distracted us.
He got out of that fight, huh?
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
I'm Tired...
Dear TATHMFF-
I'm tired. I had a quiet weekend. Dinner out, hanging around the house, chatting with the neighbors. That's it. I'm still suffering malaise. We've been waiting (sorta) patiently for 22.5 months. I'm toast. I know you want us to be patient. I know you want us to push ourselves to make us good parents for the child you will entrust to us. If you knew me, if you knew how much I have proven already. Seriously. I was whining in February of 06, saying I couldn't wait anymore...If someone had told me I would have to wait 2 years at the beginning of this, I would have told them I couldn't.
I've watched so many babies be born and start to grow up. I've seen family fade and die. I've seen life come and go at so many levels. I've felt so many emotions. I've made so many life-long friends thru this proces too - sisters and family from the friends who have also chosen this path in life.
I don't think you planned for this wait to turn into this. But, knowing that capitalism feeds our agencies, you should have known they wouldn't have policed themselves to submit the candidates that apparently you said you preferred. But in the end, we've waited 300-400% longer than we were first told. Longer than secondly told...and thirdly told. I think the last time our agency said no later than April 07.
Please, we're only 14 days away. Please, recognize that we've toiled and learned and danced with anxiety, and tossed and turned in our sleep more times than I care to admit.
I'm tired.
I'm ready. Let me show you.
I'm tired. I had a quiet weekend. Dinner out, hanging around the house, chatting with the neighbors. That's it. I'm still suffering malaise. We've been waiting (sorta) patiently for 22.5 months. I'm toast. I know you want us to be patient. I know you want us to push ourselves to make us good parents for the child you will entrust to us. If you knew me, if you knew how much I have proven already. Seriously. I was whining in February of 06, saying I couldn't wait anymore...If someone had told me I would have to wait 2 years at the beginning of this, I would have told them I couldn't.
I've watched so many babies be born and start to grow up. I've seen family fade and die. I've seen life come and go at so many levels. I've felt so many emotions. I've made so many life-long friends thru this proces too - sisters and family from the friends who have also chosen this path in life.
I don't think you planned for this wait to turn into this. But, knowing that capitalism feeds our agencies, you should have known they wouldn't have policed themselves to submit the candidates that apparently you said you preferred. But in the end, we've waited 300-400% longer than we were first told. Longer than secondly told...and thirdly told. I think the last time our agency said no later than April 07.
Please, we're only 14 days away. Please, recognize that we've toiled and learned and danced with anxiety, and tossed and turned in our sleep more times than I care to admit.
I'm tired.
I'm ready. Let me show you.
Friday, October 26, 2007
I May Be New At This Soon, But...
You would think I wouldn't be this stupid, right??? This was on the inside of a lid of a big hard plastic container that was purchased for me to make my life easier at work...i.e., the boss has made it so I can stack my work into walls around me...
Thursday, October 25, 2007
2 Years Ago Yesterday...
Two amazing souls came into this world, 1/2 a world away from us. They had a hard start in life, losing their birth family, but happily, they got to keep each other. Last year, they were referred to my amazing friend A, and her husband A, at the end of September. They brought them back to the US on the 1 year anniversary of our LID in December. This is their first birthday at home.These two girls are amazing. They are strong souls, they have grown and adapted so much in the last year or so that they have been home. One has a huge crush on P and can work him over like I never could. They are so smart, so inquisitive, so beautiful...this is XB analyzing (yes, it is) a ladybug.
I only wish that they understood what they have meant to all of us (and I'm just the faux-auntie!). The happiness I see in my friends' eyes when they watch them playing, and learning. I can see the joy, I can hear it when A calls me on her way home, to tell me about how they learned to do something... Seeing them grow and expand, I can do nothing but get excited about what it is going to be like to see H go thru the same transformation - to see her learn how to trust, to fill out as she catches up from institutional delays, learn what it is like to have a family. I can't wait to watch all three of them continue to grow into amazing young people.
How can you not love this?
It also makes me sad, to think what they have been thru in their short lives. To think about what H is going thru right now. It makes me wonder if any of us would have had the fortitude to survive and flourish like all these amazing kids have...See, when I have no time, and I'm slammed against the wall, I start daydreaming and getting all philisophical!
P is "the next state over" on business, and I emailed him that I had gone thru the pics from the girls and their mommy and daddy visiting last weekend, and I said, "it's obvious that you will be totally whipped by H." He asked why, and asked me to email him a few of the pics that A took with the camera...so I sent them over and asked "Why, do you need a baby fix?"
Do you know how emotional I am right now, waiting for the next batch? He emails back "Yeah, I've needed one for 2 years." Just started me crying...
Photos included with permission of Mommy A
.Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Belated Congrats, Mr Gore
Congrats to Mr Gore on winning the Nobel. It sends an important message. Even if I don't necessarily agree with everything the major environmental movements preach right now...
I don't buy the electric car thing yet...no one has seemed to prove that the reduction in emissions offsets the caustic production, and disposal of, the batteries, along with the environmental damage caused by the power plants that instead have to produce the power that is needed to fuel the battery...I do appreciate the theories, and the research, and the committment to trying to break our dependence on dirty fossil fuels though.
I don't believe in the black and white view on things like pesticides etc...I think there's a very important difference between use and responsible use. As with many things, there are many shades of gray.
I don't believe in absolute saving of every species in the world. I think at some point, if you believe in evolution (which I do), sometimes a species' time has come and gone. Before you all climb on me, I'm not saying all, ok? Of course, man has perpetuated many crimes against nature, but sometimes it just is time for it to happen. Dinosaurs would really f*** up traffic on the expressway during rush hour.
The reason I congratulate Mr Gore, and am glad that an environmentalist won is because it has brought the environmental cause back to the forefront, and back to the masses (a bit). It has made something that was dismissed by the current administration a voice again. More than anything, it has opened discussion. If there is no discussion, there are no answers. We need to innovate. We need to make more fuel efficient cars. We need to see ourselves as part of the world population - we need to agree with other countries to make this planet better. Kyoto? We have to revisit it. We have to stop spraying pesticides on everything because every grape has to look perfect. We don't need super-cows that produce double milk at the expense of chemicals polluting our milk supply. But we also need healthy cows, and grapes that are not tainted by e. coli. And we need industry and technological progress. I don't think we know most of the answers, and we won't ever know all of them probably. But with the cold shoulder of many government officials, and the gutting of monies for non-corporate research thru government agencies, Mr Gore has mobilized some of the masses...started the discussion...even if people don't agree with what he says, at least we're talking...
And that's where change starts...
I don't buy the electric car thing yet...no one has seemed to prove that the reduction in emissions offsets the caustic production, and disposal of, the batteries, along with the environmental damage caused by the power plants that instead have to produce the power that is needed to fuel the battery...I do appreciate the theories, and the research, and the committment to trying to break our dependence on dirty fossil fuels though.
I don't believe in the black and white view on things like pesticides etc...I think there's a very important difference between use and responsible use. As with many things, there are many shades of gray.
I don't believe in absolute saving of every species in the world. I think at some point, if you believe in evolution (which I do), sometimes a species' time has come and gone. Before you all climb on me, I'm not saying all, ok? Of course, man has perpetuated many crimes against nature, but sometimes it just is time for it to happen. Dinosaurs would really f*** up traffic on the expressway during rush hour.
The reason I congratulate Mr Gore, and am glad that an environmentalist won is because it has brought the environmental cause back to the forefront, and back to the masses (a bit). It has made something that was dismissed by the current administration a voice again. More than anything, it has opened discussion. If there is no discussion, there are no answers. We need to innovate. We need to make more fuel efficient cars. We need to see ourselves as part of the world population - we need to agree with other countries to make this planet better. Kyoto? We have to revisit it. We have to stop spraying pesticides on everything because every grape has to look perfect. We don't need super-cows that produce double milk at the expense of chemicals polluting our milk supply. But we also need healthy cows, and grapes that are not tainted by e. coli. And we need industry and technological progress. I don't think we know most of the answers, and we won't ever know all of them probably. But with the cold shoulder of many government officials, and the gutting of monies for non-corporate research thru government agencies, Mr Gore has mobilized some of the masses...started the discussion...even if people don't agree with what he says, at least we're talking...
And that's where change starts...
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The Throw Down...
I have been given a test/ultimatum/directive by "The Girls"...at Girls Night last night. My own Master of My Domain kinda thing...they want me to stay off the web sites pertaining to the adoption, specifically RQ, for 1 week.
And, holy crap, the rumors have just started to fly. They wanted me to stay off till girls night next month, but no way.
They told me it's for the best, it'll happen when it happens, I'm just torturing myself (I agree with points #2 and #3). They told me that when "my child" is ready, then we'll get the call. Personally, I don't believe in that. I would like to, but I don't.
I told them I couldn't go without the constant feed of info. That I need to feel like I'm in control. They told me that this is then a lesson I need to learn before becoming a mother.
They told me if I feel like I'm collapsing under the weight of it, come out and sit in my driveway with a glass of wine, and they'll come over and help me with the withdrawl symptoms.
Do I do this? Do I try? I don't think I can do it - not when I'm on the phone with a customer blathering away, or I've got the stress going at work, and I just want to see if something is up for 5 minutes. I'm tempted - I like to see if I can do things I can't. But I can't see myself making it, and I don't like to fail.
Do I step up for the challenge, or not?
And, holy crap, the rumors have just started to fly. They wanted me to stay off till girls night next month, but no way.
They told me it's for the best, it'll happen when it happens, I'm just torturing myself (I agree with points #2 and #3). They told me that when "my child" is ready, then we'll get the call. Personally, I don't believe in that. I would like to, but I don't.
I told them I couldn't go without the constant feed of info. That I need to feel like I'm in control. They told me that this is then a lesson I need to learn before becoming a mother.
They told me if I feel like I'm collapsing under the weight of it, come out and sit in my driveway with a glass of wine, and they'll come over and help me with the withdrawl symptoms.
Do I do this? Do I try? I don't think I can do it - not when I'm on the phone with a customer blathering away, or I've got the stress going at work, and I just want to see if something is up for 5 minutes. I'm tempted - I like to see if I can do things I can't. But I can't see myself making it, and I don't like to fail.
Do I step up for the challenge, or not?
Friday, October 19, 2007
Wishing the Days Away & Ulcers
I'm in a pensive mood. The weather here *sucks* the big one. Hot/overcase/cold/hot/rainy/repeat cycle. It's 15 degrees colder today than last. Tomorrow it'll be back up after another rain front comes thru. One of us will get a sinus infection.
The weather and Happy Workland don't help of course, neither do another of about 100 factors, some like crazy mothers that I've blogged about, but more than anything, I'm getting fed up with myself. Yes, I'm so bat-shit crazy with this wait, that I've turned my general loathing of a good percentage of how the world works out there right back on myself...
Hey, the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?
I never even finished up my trip logs for y'all (haven't finished printing the pics out yet either)...I haven't done 2 major (well, not major, but pain in the rear factor is high) house projects that we have to do before H gets here. Haven't set up daycare (though I did research) etc etc etc...general malaise is the word for the day.
Worst though, I find myself waking up in the morning and instantly trying to think what the date is for the day (something I don't usually care about till I have to fill out a time sheet)...what's The Number???? Are we there yet P? Have we hit the magical 20's? Or better yet? The 30's? How close are we to getting our hopes and dreams dashed yet again by TATHMFF (The Agency That Holds My Family's Future - I think that's what I named it before, and well the malaise tells me to not go back and verify)? I almost shake - like I imagine a heroin addict shakes - before I get to RQ around lunch time, when I think, if there's going to be rumors, this is a good time for them.
Even more pathetic, I calculate and tally polls from RQ, I look at China Adoption Forecast etc etc...over and over again. Like something is going to change...I have the numbers of pollees cumulatively tallied next to each day on my printout of the polls, so I don't have to keep recalculating (at least I'm an efficient kook).
And, the biggest point of my own self-loathing: In doing all this (well, most off, I'm wasting brain cells and time), I don't even have an inkling of hope that this is The Month. I'm so pathetic, I wish amazing fantasys of the future, The Beginning Of November batch, but even then I can't wish us in! I dream of the 10th being in...surely that will set us up for December, right? I dream, at least the 9th, that'll get us 5 days away, we'll eek in. Even in my own fantasys, I don't get off this crazy-ass rollercoaster and start the next phase of my life! How pathetic am I? If I'm going to dream life away, shouldn't I be going for the big enchilada, in the sky? Nope not me...I'm too analytical, too beaten down, too realistic.
I'm trying in vain, in response to this phenomenon, to control my life. I want to plan the holidays. I want to go buy everything we need for the baby. I want to reorganize every closet. It drives me crazy P's business trip to Asia isn't being solidified. I'm not a gal that likes to free-float, so these last 22 months have been hell on the old psyche. A good lesson learned though, I think, though so brutally painful a lesson.
And the business trip...it's a long long ways away. Ergo, tickets are not cheap. I so want to go with him. Agency Of Hell (AOH) though didn't like the idea that P is going to be gone, even though they basically told me that they think we have a snowball's chance for December. But my agency does nothing more sophisticated than count on their fingers, "Nothing They Do Know", Yoda would tell me. So once the people planning this trip, once they get their heads out of their asses, do I throw caution to the wind, get the ticket no matter how much, and learn the lesson of just doing it. Not thinking of what can happen when? Do I try to stop in Japan on the way back and check another dream off my life list?
Let me check the poll numbers again and I'll get back to you...
The weather and Happy Workland don't help of course, neither do another of about 100 factors, some like crazy mothers that I've blogged about, but more than anything, I'm getting fed up with myself. Yes, I'm so bat-shit crazy with this wait, that I've turned my general loathing of a good percentage of how the world works out there right back on myself...
Hey, the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?
I never even finished up my trip logs for y'all (haven't finished printing the pics out yet either)...I haven't done 2 major (well, not major, but pain in the rear factor is high) house projects that we have to do before H gets here. Haven't set up daycare (though I did research) etc etc etc...general malaise is the word for the day.
Worst though, I find myself waking up in the morning and instantly trying to think what the date is for the day (something I don't usually care about till I have to fill out a time sheet)...what's The Number???? Are we there yet P? Have we hit the magical 20's? Or better yet? The 30's? How close are we to getting our hopes and dreams dashed yet again by TATHMFF (The Agency That Holds My Family's Future - I think that's what I named it before, and well the malaise tells me to not go back and verify)? I almost shake - like I imagine a heroin addict shakes - before I get to RQ around lunch time, when I think, if there's going to be rumors, this is a good time for them.
Even more pathetic, I calculate and tally polls from RQ, I look at China Adoption Forecast etc etc...over and over again. Like something is going to change...I have the numbers of pollees cumulatively tallied next to each day on my printout of the polls, so I don't have to keep recalculating (at least I'm an efficient kook).
And, the biggest point of my own self-loathing: In doing all this (well, most off, I'm wasting brain cells and time), I don't even have an inkling of hope that this is The Month. I'm so pathetic, I wish amazing fantasys of the future, The Beginning Of November batch, but even then I can't wish us in! I dream of the 10th being in...surely that will set us up for December, right? I dream, at least the 9th, that'll get us 5 days away, we'll eek in. Even in my own fantasys, I don't get off this crazy-ass rollercoaster and start the next phase of my life! How pathetic am I? If I'm going to dream life away, shouldn't I be going for the big enchilada, in the sky? Nope not me...I'm too analytical, too beaten down, too realistic.
I'm trying in vain, in response to this phenomenon, to control my life. I want to plan the holidays. I want to go buy everything we need for the baby. I want to reorganize every closet. It drives me crazy P's business trip to Asia isn't being solidified. I'm not a gal that likes to free-float, so these last 22 months have been hell on the old psyche. A good lesson learned though, I think, though so brutally painful a lesson.
And the business trip...it's a long long ways away. Ergo, tickets are not cheap. I so want to go with him. Agency Of Hell (AOH) though didn't like the idea that P is going to be gone, even though they basically told me that they think we have a snowball's chance for December. But my agency does nothing more sophisticated than count on their fingers, "Nothing They Do Know", Yoda would tell me. So once the people planning this trip, once they get their heads out of their asses, do I throw caution to the wind, get the ticket no matter how much, and learn the lesson of just doing it. Not thinking of what can happen when? Do I try to stop in Japan on the way back and check another dream off my life list?
Let me check the poll numbers again and I'll get back to you...
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I'm afraid to touch anything...
This has been a rough week...I had to go to a trade show this week on Monday and Tuesday. I hate being the face that talks to people...I'm a geeky database/web/analysis kinda girl. I had to schmooze people. I hate to schmooze. And then 1/2 the people who approached are people who are programmers, offering to help with our sites - hello? I'm demo'ing our apps. If I'm demo'ing them, I must like them, seeing as I'm trying to convince others that they are worthy of a look, right? Now, if you want to be the face person, we'll talk.
But, why am I afraid to touch anything? Well, let's see here...in our house this week, we've had these beloved family members die this week...no, correct that, on ONE day. The stapler, the paper shredder, and the oven. Yes, the oven. The giver of chocolate covered cookies and ooey gooey brownies, and coconut chocolate pecan pies. Dead. Narry a degree of warmth. Seems like an ignition switch issue. Microwaves hath not make an appropriate creme brulee!
Not that I need to eat...this has been my crack lately. Thanks, to the peeps in my travel group! When we went to China, we were going to have a group gathering a few weeks after we got back, so we bought giant bags of various Chinese candy. We came home and the next night divied it up 3-ways - one for my work, one for P's work, and one for the party. Well, the party didn't happen - most of the group had things crop up. Soooo...we decided to reschedule, and haven't yet. So, there's this giant bag of treats. Though it only cost about $5.00, max, I cannot, in good faith, knowing that there is some kind of sugary goodness in these things, let it go to waste. So I work thru these. I specifically adore the gooey sugary goop that is covered in sesame seeds. Have no idea what I'm eating. Don't care. Just know that it's pretty darn good for not having a lick of chocolate in it. I'm afraid to go in the cabinet - they are stashed there. I'm afraid to go to work, there's a stash there too...So, when I'm spilling into your seat on the trip to Beijing, don't blame me, ok?
BTW, is it the end of the month yet? Aggggggghhhhh...
Friday, October 12, 2007
Please Tell Me That I Was Adopted.
My mother and I do not see eye to eye on a lot of things...
Religion, Politics, What race of baby is best to adopt, Religion, What constitutes entertainment (not Barry Manilow and Frasier reruns), etc etc etc
The last 3 days, asides from feeling like I need an appendectomy, I've been putting up with/egging on an email fight with her.
I stupidly asked Mom and my Aunt if we were going to have a big family Christmas (or at least plan on it), seeing as we didn't have one last year. I got a tirade (from Mom) about how can I ask these things knowing about my Aunt's mom etc etc etc...All I did was ask 2 questions:
1. Are we thinking we want to even try
2. If so, as I was "supposed" to be the one to host last year, are they assuming that I will be the one to host this year?
I have gotten chastizing emails from my mom expounding on why it's stupid to ask so soon, cause someone could die, get the flu, or a big snowstorm could hit. My aunt emailed back 2 days later and said, yes, I hope so, here's the update on Mom, hope all is well with you, and if it ends up that you can't host, I'd be more than willing to.
Now, was that that hard?
Well, the email bitch-slap fest has devolved into discussion of the "A" word, and H. My mother has never liked the idea that I suggested that my Aunt (who of her own accord offered), not wait till we have a referral, but instead, when we get close, plan the shower she so kindly offered, and try and plan the date that hopefully we get referral right before said shower. Therefore we can do it relatively close, but not put the crazy all into the 6-8 weeks between referral and travel.
So forget it, I don't want a shower.
So this further degraded into the emails where I expound on why I've been keeping my distance, because my mother is no support system what so ever...cause she keeps asking why I'm distant.
1. She was with us when we bought this awesome chair for H's room. Never did she say "oh, you'll have awesome memories of bedtime stories" - no she said "why are you spending the money, there's a couch in the other room."
2. She has never said anything about becoming a grandma - nothing to be excited.
3. When I told her we were finally to our month for referrals, the response was "oh."
4. She's already told me she's bought religious kids books for my kid and it is her plan to take her and enroll her in VBS. Didn't know why we would have a problem with this.
So, I pointed this out. She whips out the emotional blackmail that I rather have my inlaws involved in H's life than her.
This is the quote from the email, that shows how much she just doesn't get it:
"I'll be excited when I have something to be excited about - like when it becomes really real - like I know you are going and will return with my grandchild. Good God were we all suppose to be jumping up and down for joy the entire last 3 years??? what the h do you want from people?"
(no, she won't type the word "hell")
And then she finishes it up with:
"Now please don't take all this as a slam or lecture but an attempt to calm your misgivings and fears that the world is agaist you!"
Am I crazy, or is this crazy??? Have a good weekend y'all, I'm for sure staying away from her town, even if they say that's the only place in this country to have an appendectomy!
Religion, Politics, What race of baby is best to adopt, Religion, What constitutes entertainment (not Barry Manilow and Frasier reruns), etc etc etc
The last 3 days, asides from feeling like I need an appendectomy, I've been putting up with/egging on an email fight with her.
I stupidly asked Mom and my Aunt if we were going to have a big family Christmas (or at least plan on it), seeing as we didn't have one last year. I got a tirade (from Mom) about how can I ask these things knowing about my Aunt's mom etc etc etc...All I did was ask 2 questions:
1. Are we thinking we want to even try
2. If so, as I was "supposed" to be the one to host last year, are they assuming that I will be the one to host this year?
I have gotten chastizing emails from my mom expounding on why it's stupid to ask so soon, cause someone could die, get the flu, or a big snowstorm could hit. My aunt emailed back 2 days later and said, yes, I hope so, here's the update on Mom, hope all is well with you, and if it ends up that you can't host, I'd be more than willing to.
Now, was that that hard?
Well, the email bitch-slap fest has devolved into discussion of the "A" word, and H. My mother has never liked the idea that I suggested that my Aunt (who of her own accord offered), not wait till we have a referral, but instead, when we get close, plan the shower she so kindly offered, and try and plan the date that hopefully we get referral right before said shower. Therefore we can do it relatively close, but not put the crazy all into the 6-8 weeks between referral and travel.
- My idea: know we are stinking close, pick shower date a week or 2 after expected referral, send out invites, pray that we get it that month. If not, everyone will know we are damn close.
So forget it, I don't want a shower.
So this further degraded into the emails where I expound on why I've been keeping my distance, because my mother is no support system what so ever...cause she keeps asking why I'm distant.
1. She was with us when we bought this awesome chair for H's room. Never did she say "oh, you'll have awesome memories of bedtime stories" - no she said "why are you spending the money, there's a couch in the other room."
2. She has never said anything about becoming a grandma - nothing to be excited.
3. When I told her we were finally to our month for referrals, the response was "oh."
4. She's already told me she's bought religious kids books for my kid and it is her plan to take her and enroll her in VBS. Didn't know why we would have a problem with this.
So, I pointed this out. She whips out the emotional blackmail that I rather have my inlaws involved in H's life than her.
This is the quote from the email, that shows how much she just doesn't get it:
"I'll be excited when I have something to be excited about - like when it becomes really real - like I know you are going and will return with my grandchild. Good God were we all suppose to be jumping up and down for joy the entire last 3 years??? what the h do you want from people?"
(no, she won't type the word "hell")
And then she finishes it up with:
"Now please don't take all this as a slam or lecture but an attempt to calm your misgivings and fears that the world is agaist you!"
Am I crazy, or is this crazy??? Have a good weekend y'all, I'm for sure staying away from her town, even if they say that's the only place in this country to have an appendectomy!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Mathamatics and Meteorology
OK, so I'm thinking about the wait....(duh!) and I'm calculating about the wait...over and over and over again.
Based on RQ's projections, we're iffy for December referral...the 2 year point.
Based on my projections, we're iffy for December referral too.
If they can pull off:
Dec 1-8, that's 97 by her new polls, much over the last batch, still conservative to the ones before that last crappy one.
THEN...
We'd be in with a 9-14 in December, with 98 returning on the polls.
If they go how they did last month, they either have to go below it or over at least 10%, which isn't hard to do with how small the # is:
Under, which is closer: Dec 1-6 - 56 returns on her poll
THEN...
7-9 for 68 returns on her poll
THEN...
10-14 for a total of 71 returns on her poll, gets us in in January.
To return to the previous #s...
Dec 1-9 - 124 poll returns
Dec10-19 - 104 poll returns, which would get us in in December.
Am I crazy yet???
So.....
X is us, or the amount needed to get to us.
Y is the current batch rate.
For us to get in in Dec... x= 1.83y
That's a lot more than the current rate, obviously...
Put another way...the current referral batch, x=> z where z=previous waits before, with z=(a+b)/2, to get the averages.
And what are the chances of that???
Yeah...that's what I thought. A snowball's chance...
Of course, what were the chances that this would have been my footwear yesterday in the Midwest, in October...
Based on RQ's projections, we're iffy for December referral...the 2 year point.
Based on my projections, we're iffy for December referral too.
If they can pull off:
Dec 1-8, that's 97 by her new polls, much over the last batch, still conservative to the ones before that last crappy one.
THEN...
We'd be in with a 9-14 in December, with 98 returning on the polls.
If they go how they did last month, they either have to go below it or over at least 10%, which isn't hard to do with how small the # is:
Under, which is closer: Dec 1-6 - 56 returns on her poll
THEN...
7-9 for 68 returns on her poll
THEN...
10-14 for a total of 71 returns on her poll, gets us in in January.
To return to the previous #s...
Dec 1-9 - 124 poll returns
Dec10-19 - 104 poll returns, which would get us in in December.
Am I crazy yet???
So.....
X is us, or the amount needed to get to us.
Y is the current batch rate.
For us to get in in Dec... x= 1.83y
That's a lot more than the current rate, obviously...
Put another way...the current referral batch, x=> z where z=previous waits before, with z=(a+b)/2, to get the averages.
And what are the chances of that???
Yeah...that's what I thought. A snowball's chance...
Of course, what were the chances that this would have been my footwear yesterday in the Midwest, in October...
Sadly, if I had said that I'd get my referral when it was 85+ in October, I would have my referral in hand. Instead, I said I'd get my referral when hell froze over, so I don't think I'll be wearing these when I get referral...
So, seeing as I don't have good odds with RQ's poll numbers...when will hell freeze over? According to some very very smart people...wellllll, not for billions of years. Apparently, thanks to google, and P, who is very science oriented helping me in my search, the Sun will blow up and destroy Earth before it cools. And really, as long as the sun is around, the Earth won't cool enough for the core (the implied place of hell) to freeze. According to Boyle, hell is endothermic, so it can't freeze.
Well, Crap. I guess all I've got is that star out the back window...
(Do ya like the pedi? A treat for keeping the Sanity in the ISO(In)Sanity house...)
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Something I Want To Share, #1
OK, I'm going to try to focus on happy, good things this week...at least until someone really really annoys the snot out of me.
Anyways, I've wanted to post this pic for awhile - P has an Aunt who lives out East...one of the few people in that family that aren't crazy. Anyways, she's an amazing person, and I love her to death. When she found out thru the grapevine that we were adopting, she called and spoke with P, asking about the room etc...
About 6 months later, this arrived in the mail (the day my neighbors 2nd child was born - the one that she got pregnant with a week or so after our paperwork went to China...the one that we said would "come home" the same time as H...Har.):
P's Aunt is an amazing quilter. She did this to match the theme of the room. It is so beautiful, and there is no way to convey that in pictures. This was so amazing, that I could not find any other quilter that I liked, and I asked her to do the sewing on H's 100 wishes quilt (yes, I thought that would be a fun project to pass the time). She did that one too, we got it when we got back from China. It is also amazing, but it is so big, it is currently confounding me as to how to photograph it so that y'all can see it.
I just saw on the news that the beautiful Musee de Orsay was broken into, and artwork damaged....I'm a serious francophile as it is. And a museum rat too. This is so disturbing. You have to be really piss drunk to think that is a good idea.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Now That I'm Not Trying to Achieve Zen...
Well, with the spa appointment blowout, I give up on my attempt to put last weekend behind me, and I now choose to embrace and relish the hell that is family and relive last weekend for y'all's amusement.
I preface this list of highlights with the comment "And they wonder why we don't make the 2 hour drive (the extended IL's) or the 2 hour flight (the MIL, FIL and SIL), that often..."
Ahhhhh...shall we just bullet point it, in no particular order?
At the party for the grandma:
I preface this list of highlights with the comment "And they wonder why we don't make the 2 hour drive (the extended IL's) or the 2 hour flight (the MIL, FIL and SIL), that often..."
Ahhhhh...shall we just bullet point it, in no particular order?
At the party for the grandma:
- Cousin to P comes up, put his arm around me, starts chatting. He's back in town from AK. He's pretty cool now. So, he said he heard we had been in China, and he and girlfriend had been their last year...yadda yadda. I say "can't wait to go back, the sooner the better, even if it is snowing" (assuming everyone knows, seeing as it's been the only topic people have discussed with us since we showed up 2.5 hours before that)...oh, why are you going back in winter? To get H... "Oh, I didn't know you had decided to adopt for sure. My mom (the one who talks about each grandbaby first and foremost that they have her son's skintone - not the 1/2 Mexican mother's) said she didn't think you had decided where you wanted to adopt from, cause you didn't know what you wanted your baby to look like."
- The Grandma: "Don't get your heart set on anything. Even if you see a picture, don't look at it. I know so many people who have gone there, and then they don't give them a baby...they are Chinese you know. They want our money. So don't count on anything. Consider it a blessing if it happens." (Yeah, how many people in her demographic are adopting? She's 90 for pete's sake.)
- Well, if they get around to giving her to you, then you'll get pregnant. (They all know that with me it is absolutely impossible that this will occur)
- What about a Lithuanian baby? Auntie A works with people helping the Lithuanians - she can get you help.
- Holding baby that is fussing...You don't really want this, do you? - Another cousin
- (An Aunt after being told the names we've picked, and apparently having a discussion with P about what he sees as an abundant plethora of clothes - mostly girl - 1/2 hand me downs BTW - in the nursery closet) Well, we're going to hope for a Hxxxx then (the boy name)...what? Cause the whole boys are better thing? Which is so his family...or, cause you want me to have wasted my money?
- From an Uncle who travels ALL over the world: You didn't get sick in China? Really? Did you eat there? Cause I'm for sure that they spit in the food when it's for us people. I always get sick when I travel overseas, and got really sick there. (Yeah, ummmm, maybe because you are an ugly american who wants to barge into peoples homes and take pictures and think you can buy anything? Oh, and maybe because you know nothing about where you travel to...oh, and because you follow no precautions about basic food safety overseas...yes, you yak blood drinker, maybe that's really why you get sick?)
Back at the P&K ranch with the FIL, MIL and SIL:
- SIL (who did much better than I thought she would overall): "Well, now that you aren't going to bring her home this year, I'm going to have to talk to my boss again."
Me: Why?
SIL: Well, last year I kept vacation time so I could come visit H. And then I carried it to this year so I could come visit her. Now I'll have to carry it again. (She gets something obscene like 5 weeks too, BTW)
Me: Why don't you just use next year's?
SIL: Cause that would limit my real vacation options then.
OK, lady: 1. How long do you think you are staying here? 2. I'm sorry to cramp your style. 3. I'm sorry that I'm not living up to your timetable, cause you know, we're so close, you emailing me only like clockwork about 90 days before your bday and xmas, just to make sure I'm aware of your existance when I'm out gift shopping.
- MIL: If this doesn't happen, you aren't going to try to adopt from anywhere else, are you? (Yeah, cause if it isn't "easy", it's not worth doing.)
- FIL: We could all take a trip to S America next year or the year after, they are kinda long, about 17 days, but that could work. (Hello, dude?!?!)
Oh, and we had the SIL mocking the cats, and SIL not liking how the breakfast place did her pancakes (after a 5 minute discussion on why she can't have whipped cream ANYWHERE on her plate), and SIL not having enough vegetables in her Chinese food, etc etc etc...
OK, I've purged. It's out of my system. And if any of you are still reading - do ya see why we say that we live the perfect distance from all family, both sides???
*$@(#@ Spa
OK, so all crappy week, I've been looking forward to a 60 minute hot stone massage that P so kindly got me for my birthday. I was looking forward to the best time to use it, and I figured, the week after the inlaws left, before getting into 2 weeks of hell at work with the DMA show and all, that would be excellent! So, I booked for 3:30 tomorrow like, 2 weeks ago.
I get a call this morning. Oh, our technician can't come in this weekend or next weekend.
Bite me. I want my massage!!! I haven't had a massage in like 2 and a half years! They could have taken me mid afternoon today, but I'm working from home, and I won't, just to spite them. Also, if I have to rush and get all flustered, what's the point, huh?
So, I'm just going to not set it up for now, cause we're too busy, and that'll show them! They have the money and haven't provided any services...that'll teach them.
I get a call this morning. Oh, our technician can't come in this weekend or next weekend.
Bite me. I want my massage!!! I haven't had a massage in like 2 and a half years! They could have taken me mid afternoon today, but I'm working from home, and I won't, just to spite them. Also, if I have to rush and get all flustered, what's the point, huh?
So, I'm just going to not set it up for now, cause we're too busy, and that'll show them! They have the money and haven't provided any services...that'll teach them.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Pssssst....Here's a secret...
OK, so for my BlogWorld friends...I'm going to post this for a day or so, and then delete it, okay...
So, here's me and P in Shanghai last month.
(Picture removed by ISO(In)Sanity)
It's not the best pic, but, well, this is us...do I look like you think I would? (Now, remember, this was the last day of a 12 day whirlwind trip of touring, so be kind!)
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
This Must Be Karma
OK, what did I do in a past life? I must have been quite a bad person...maybe I sold slaves? Maybe I stole a kitten from a child? Maybe I was a lawyer?
This showed up in the mailbox last night, of all nights:
Yes, a baby shower invite for M2, the one having twins...the one who doesn't like little ones under a year old...the one who will have her children (plural) before me.
Maybe I was the one in a past life who said that chocolate was not a necessary part of the daily diet...I dunno, but I did something. Something baaaaaaaaddddd...
Anyways, I'm done PWP...Posting While Pissed. I think I was a bit melodramatic yesterday. But, it's totally how I felt, so I won't deny or delete...maybe it was the right thing to do. Maybe, I should have tempered my complaining until I took a breath. I dunno. I'm still not at the point to say yet anything positive like "Well, at least they are into December..." or "Even if they only did one day worth, I'd only be a little over a year away." or anything insipid like that, cause I'm done sugar-coating it.
Until the agency-that-holds-our-future-as-parents speaks, I'm not going to count anything as done this month. It's too odd. As usual, there are reports of families skipped, rumors they got to the 2nd, and other random hysteria. That's all because the ATHOFAP didn't anty up and just be upfront about where they are before they went and hung out on the beach for a week.
I guess we have to see what they do when they come back from vaca...
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
What do I say?
We know China did not make it to the 5th. We know they made it to 11/30. There are very few people by whatever anyone can tell between 12/1 and 12/4. By not covering 12/5, this was an absymally disgustingly small amount of referrals. But god forbid they tell us how bad it was. To put us in the place we need to be to come to terms with things...again. No we have to guess and network by the thousands to come up with answers.
I want to rant.
I want to scream.
I want to quit.
I'm too pigheaded to quit.
But I'm thinking about it. Husband will stop me though. That may give me safety to be running this thought thru my head now. He saves me from my own stupid thoughts sometimes.
I want to sob.
I want to curl up and not go to work. I want people to be coming over to the house, sitting next to me, brushing the hair out of my face, trying to convince me to move, eat, shower, talk, go to work, come have a drink...something...anything.
__________________________________
But I can't. I can't do any of it. I can't find a desire to have people around me, let alone have a meaningful conversation. I can't sit here and take the easy way out and bitch about how shitty my in-laws were this weekend.
I can only listen to my heart beat. Feel my lungs fill with oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. I can blink my eyes and keep them focused. I can get up and feel my legs moving beneath me as I pass the time doing what I have to do in daily life.
I can't talk of all the reasons this wait is wrong. Plain wrong. I can't talk about how "paper-ready" or not, there are kids that need homes. I can't post about how my agency tells me nothing and knows nothing.
I can't do anything to make this ache in my heart and chest stop.
I can't do anything to control my future. It is out of my hands.
I can feel anger at my agency's convenient lack of knowledge. I can feel bile in the back of my throat that at many levels of this process, people are still being encouraged to "Sign up, come join us for a lovely little wait...there's plenty of children who need loving homes."
And I can feel fear.
______________________________________
I decided this was how I wanted to direct my life almost 29 months ago...I wanted to be a mother. I don't want that other life anymore, though it has been a very nice life. I've turned my back on that old life. But I can't attain my new one. No amount of education, effort, willpower or drive can help me attain it. All my tools that have helped me so well in life are useless. All the things that I hope will make me a good mother to someone someday...the things that I want to teach dependence on, none of those qualities serve me in this wait.
I could end this post with the "But I can believe. I can know deep in my aching heart that my baby H is in China. That (s)he is waiting for me."
But I won't. I can't believe.
I want to rant.
I want to scream.
I want to quit.
I'm too pigheaded to quit.
But I'm thinking about it. Husband will stop me though. That may give me safety to be running this thought thru my head now. He saves me from my own stupid thoughts sometimes.
I want to sob.
I want to curl up and not go to work. I want people to be coming over to the house, sitting next to me, brushing the hair out of my face, trying to convince me to move, eat, shower, talk, go to work, come have a drink...something...anything.
__________________________________
But I can't. I can't do any of it. I can't find a desire to have people around me, let alone have a meaningful conversation. I can't sit here and take the easy way out and bitch about how shitty my in-laws were this weekend.
I can only listen to my heart beat. Feel my lungs fill with oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. I can blink my eyes and keep them focused. I can get up and feel my legs moving beneath me as I pass the time doing what I have to do in daily life.
I can't talk of all the reasons this wait is wrong. Plain wrong. I can't talk about how "paper-ready" or not, there are kids that need homes. I can't post about how my agency tells me nothing and knows nothing.
I can't do anything to make this ache in my heart and chest stop.
I can't do anything to control my future. It is out of my hands.
I can feel anger at my agency's convenient lack of knowledge. I can feel bile in the back of my throat that at many levels of this process, people are still being encouraged to "Sign up, come join us for a lovely little wait...there's plenty of children who need loving homes."
And I can feel fear.
______________________________________
I decided this was how I wanted to direct my life almost 29 months ago...I wanted to be a mother. I don't want that other life anymore, though it has been a very nice life. I've turned my back on that old life. But I can't attain my new one. No amount of education, effort, willpower or drive can help me attain it. All my tools that have helped me so well in life are useless. All the things that I hope will make me a good mother to someone someday...the things that I want to teach dependence on, none of those qualities serve me in this wait.
I could end this post with the "But I can believe. I can know deep in my aching heart that my baby H is in China. That (s)he is waiting for me."
But I won't. I can't believe.
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