Can I Be Reincarnated As A Cat, Please?

Really, I much rather be doing this then sitting here in Happy Workland, preparing to wander down to the lunch room to eat my yummy, scrumptious Lean Cuisine...

What karma do I need to get to come back and get this life?

Yes, this is O, my male fuzzy...his sister doesn't like the camera, so we'll see if she makes an appearance some day. O, on the other hand, is a paparrazi hound.

Moving Dreams

For some reason, I have almost the same dreams about moving, every so often. I think it has to do with when I'm stressed (stress, what stress?!?!), or I'm sensing change in my life. It's really wierd.

It's always taking place in our apartment that we were living in when P was in grad school and I was just starting out working at Happy Workland. And I assume that we are moving to our current glorious abode, but it's unclear usually. I know it's not somewhere that I'm like "holy crap, I have no idea where I am" kinda place.

Then there's always variations on a theme: sometimes even though we moved months ago, we are still going back there and picking things up etc....sometimes we are going back to feed the fuzzies, and for some reason we haven't moved the two of them yet (ummm...they'd be the first things/faux people on the truck!) etc etc etc. Sometimes there's been someone breaking in thru the utility room and stealing our boxes of stuff.

But it's always that we've moved and are coming back for some reason. It's not bad (even the robber, it's just a fact). No one or nothing is neglected, there's no sense that I'm going to "lose" the things I have. Nothing like that. Just like reliving chapter endings of a book kinda thing. Does that make sense?

I'm sure that a shrink could chew this up and spit this out with gleeful delight. Even without the "A" word being brought into this...

I've been having these dreams again lately. I'm sure it's some Freudian thing with loss and new events in life. But to have them 2 nights in a row is odd. And they were rather long, usually, it's not something that seems to go on forever and ever. It's not like we're going to get our referral this month (or next month), so why now?

Am I finally cracking? Am I losing it this close to the end???

I think I need a martini...oh crap - I'm at Happy Workland. A Mountain Dew will have to suffice.

The F word

My coworkers the next cubes over are mocking my affinity and fluency in the F-word. It started with "Hey xxx, did you know that yyy doesn't like to say Fxxx?" "No f-ing way, really, yyy never F'ing says that" "F no, are you f'ing crazy? She f'ing hates that word!" Really, yyy f'ing hates f?"

This has been going on for over 5 minutes...

Do you think I could be cranky today, even if I was thinking I was quite chipper?

Do you think I have to clean up my language before H comes home?

Do you think I can never name a child a name that starts with "F", cause I'm at least going to have to be able to drop the letter, even if I can't drop the whole bomb...

Hello to my new friends

Just a quick note to the people who have been kind enough to leave a note on my blog. Thanks for checking in on my brain dribblings, and for leaving such nice notes.

It's a pleasure to make your acquaintances.

And, I think most of you are also waiting and twiddling your thumbs just like me - I wish y'all the best in this wait, and I'm glad I've got someone to talk to here in the blogosphere, so thanks for keeping me company.

See ya around the block...

The Weekend: Part 1 - Trauma

You ever have those weekends where nothing ends up like you thought it was going to end up? Well, this was one of them.

First, my friend who was supposed to sell her house and get a new one did not close on Friday. Long long story, but that's not important. So the friday evening and saturday morning totally freed up, as we weren't schlepping boxes. That let me...do errands...on saturday. Yay! Also, we went 2 towns over to an art fair for a few hours, so that was cool, cause it was wonderful weather out! Usually it's about 100 degrees the weekend of the art fair. So, though I felt bad for my friend, it was turning out to be a nice weekend.

Oh, and I went to Carters that was in the area of said errands, and dropped $ on clothes for the wonderful H, assuming that H is female. (Hey, the clothes were all 1/2 price, and c'mon, good quality, so cut me some slack! It's an action of optimism on my part, ok? And they were so damn cute!)

Then came the event that I was dreading: The next-door neighbor's son's 1st birthday party. I love this kid, and I love this family. They are awesome. We are really friends with about 4 families in the 'hood. I could not have a better set of neighbors than these people, and D (the wife) and K (the husband) are really fun people to hang around with.

But, this little boy was born when we were originally told to expect a referral. This little boy, who his parents had given up on having...I had been trying as long as D had been trying. Her for her 2nd, me for my 1st. We have the same doctor, we went thru all the same tests and everything the same time. They gave up. We turned to adoption. New Years 05 into 06, we were celebrating our dossier going to China recently, as we rang in the New Year with the neighborhood group. I offered some wine to her, she said no. Her and I share an affinity for good wine, I looked at her, she looked at me, and smiled. She was pregnant, within a week or two of meself becoming pregnant in my own way. We planned how we'd become mommys at the same time.

Her son...is a...year...old...

We have an exneighbor, M, who, if you aren't a mom, you are dirt. She spent the party talking to M2 (another neighbor), who is now pregnant with twins, because now M2 is worth talking to, all about M2's pregnancy. Over and over and over about how nothing in life is important except for being a mom.

Ugh.

I was holding it together. Cause I'm not a total bitch, I really can set aside my sadness to celebrate my friends' joy. And can be joyful for them.

Then, with the M's hashing out everything in the background (over and over and over), I looked out the window and saw K hoist his son up, over his head, then cuddle him and give him a private kiss and cuddle, where you could see the absolute joy he felt. That was it. I was a small person, a person who couldn't get past my own wants and desires...I quickly excused myself for 20 minutes and come back home and bawled my eyes out. Then I pulled it together, and went back...

I'm not proud. But, heck, at least I'm honest.

Do you know how classy D is? She came up to me at some point after that, asked if I wanted a drink, and I said no, and she asked "you sure? you ok?" and I said , yeah, and she said, "Are you really ok?" I said, of course and smiled. She hasn't put me into that pile of people that should be pitied like some people are want to do, and she's got my back. That little acknowledgement, it meant everything in the world.

Shortly after, the "family" started leaving, and all the friends in the 'hood ended up out on the deck, after the kids went to sleep, sharing a bottle of wine, and laughing our asses off with each other. That I had expected, and those moments...that's what keeps us all sane in life, huh?

Limbo, Limbo, Limbo!

We're essentially a month away, LID wise...once upon a time that meant, a month away from referral.

Har.

Har-dee-har-har.

The nursery has been done for a year. Yeah, egg on the face over that one...

When do I have to start really pushing P to get the info for daycare at his mega-corp office?

When do we sign up for daycare?

When do I have to start looking for a pediatrician? Or is that only overprotective parents that scout them out ahead of time?

Do I screw us by booking a vacation?

How can I sign up for daycare if I don't know H, what age she is, when she's coming home, and if she'll be able to be left, what shape she will be in?

But you have to sign up ahead, there's waiting lists...

Do I volunteer to host Christmas at my house? Will it be easier if she's here? Will it be easier to go elsewhere if she's here? If she's here...

Does P go on his offered business trip to a far away Asian land in December?

When do I plan the big end dates for my project here at Happy Workland?

When do I have to push boss/dad to get my replacement/assistant in here by? He's starting to ignore me on this point.

What do I tell the inlaws to get them off my back that my SIL really wants to become an auntie (cause it's all about her)?

We've been 3-7 months away for....oh...let me check my watch...17 months. If I'm being generous. I'm not. 19.5 months...the whole 19.5 months.

How much cereal should I buy to get me to referral if I go to Costco...how many tons do I need? What about shampoo and toothbrushes?

When should I plan for a last Girls Night Out before I'm a responsible mom type person?

Huh? Huh?

I think I just saw the bar drop one notch lower....how do I make it under it now???

Don't Have The Papers To Have An Opinion

I always dwell on the adoption and adoption-things around referral time. Can't help it. No matter how much you don't want The Wait to rule your life, by definition, it does.

Here's the scene:
About a week ago at the office, a bunch of the women are standing around in the lunchroom having a discussion about their children, and, mostly, and most importantly, other peoples children. i.e., they are giving their opinion on children not under their control, or aura of influence. My dad, who is my boss, and male, is also there for the first part of the discussion. I think it was triggered by something that someone was reading in the paper, which usually means it isn't good...

Everyone's freely exchanging ideas etc...the boss leaves. So now it's "The Moms" only. I've been standing on the sidelines, but doing the nod or head shake, small comments of agreements.

I come up with a point that I want to bring up. As I open my mouth and start to speak, one of the women says "Now, remember you don't have a kid yet, so think about what you are going to say."

What?!?!??! What the hell!?!?

So, the fact that I've been planning to be a mom for, oh 2 years 2 months (well and the 3 years before that I was trying), you know, I've never thought about how I'm going to raise my child, I've never thought about how I see other people raise their children?!

What the hell - I've had 30 some odd years to just have a brain and think in general.

So, now I'm waiting for not only my first child, but the right to have a thought.

So, how long after H comes home, does my official registration of being a mom arrive? Does it come by Fed Ex, UPS, or courier pigeon? Do I have to file paperwork with the government? Department of Health and Family Services? Or is it a state run program?

Please, oh please...

I'm not a bargaining kind of woman. We agree or we don't agree. I'll compromise, but I won't bargain. Bargaining implies something I don't like, hard to put my thumb on it; compromise means I'm still in charge of my destiny, still on an even footing...bargaining feels weak and pitiful.

And with that said:
(Ahem)
Please please please to the powers that be, against all hope and all reason, please let this month of referrals not be disappointing. I cannot hope even for the level they were at at the beginning of this long wait, over 19 months ago, but please please do give us hope that we will still get some time with H this year. I've followed all your rules, filled out all your forms, done everything you have asked of me. I will honor her birth culture (and teach her to also), and feed her plenty of good Chinese cooking...

(Gulp, swallowing my pride)

And if you don't deem us honorable enough, please don't squash our hopes into so many tiny little pieces that we end up knowing that we won't even see what H looks like this year, in a tiny, possibly fuzzy little picture. We'll bring her back to China many times to see the beauty of her birth country...and teach her to be a strong and educated young woman.

(Oh, there was one last little bit left...gulp)

At least throw us a bone tomorrow...let a little trickle out, let us hear a squeak of a mouse. Let us know they will at least be coming soon. I'll make sure she works very hard on all her Mandarin homework...

I'm so ashamed of myself.

Small Corners of Beauty in The World

One of the things I've learned to love over the past 7 years is gardening. I was a playing in the dirt/up in the tree kinda kid - no Barbies for me, but somewhere in college, I got into skirts and high heels. My mother finds this totally humorous that I would love to play in the dirt again. She thinks I'm a prissy pants now. Actually, I just need a warm bed and a shower at the end of the day - otherwise, you can toss me out into the woods all day long, no problem.
But she doesn't believe me. Oh well.

Anyways, here's what I got to enjoy for a few minutes this morning, before I trudged off to the rat race.

Whenever I see something come together in my garden, I really do think about doing a master gardners program. Someday...someday...

How can this not do anything but make you forget all the crap in the world for a few minutes?

What ever happened to New Order?

OK, I tried to let this go, but I can't!

This morning, I was happily driving along contemplating this question, as I listened to my 80's music - New Order, U2, the song about Coming from a Land Down Under etc etc etc...doing my thing, just driving along. Get to a 4 way stop on this little road, headed toward the big road, to get to my daily grind.

At the stop sign, there's a guy in a total POS Saturn, to my LEFT. Ergo, if he is to go straight, he will be going the same way I'm going once I turn right, which my blinker clearly states, and honestly, I'm 1/2 way around the turn when I stop. He doesn't go. I wait. He doesn't go. I give him a friendly, c'mon, I'm waiting for you to go wave. He doesn't go. Then he starts waving me on...feverishly, like, oh no, I can't have that crazy looking woman up my tail pipe, I know she'll hit me kinda waving...

So I go. Then I see in my rearview, he turns RIGHT. i.e. going in the direction from where my shiny silver SUV ass just came from. Hello? First, use your signal? Secondly, why cause the angst? I wasn't in anyways in your way??? Dude...you could have hit me, I could not have hit you, unless you thought my car that was made in this century had that handy dandy new levitate-and-rotate-180-degrees feature on it.

Sorry, he just killed my back in the good music days buzz, and it p.o.'d me. And my mom refuses to use turn signals, so there's a lot of Freudian or something angst in that too that surfaced I think.

And I was thinking of posting pics from my garden, with the title "How could a day like today be bad when you go in your backyard and see that the crazy raccoon that is terrorizing the neighborhood hasn't torn up your personal roof yet, and then you find these beauties?"

Ahhh....for another day. After I go build my own road to the office, cause everyone should have one of those.

Rant #1: Hello, I'm worthless

OK, here's my first official web rant:

Yes, I'm adopting. Yes, it's taken more time than I ever in a million gagillion years thought it would. Yes, it's true that I can't have "my own" kids. Yes, sometimes I'm sad that I never got to go thru the special connection a mother has with a child while that child is growing in utero. Yes, I'm as excited as anyone anticipating giving birth. I've been that excited for 19.5 months now.

No, you do not have to pity me. No, adoption is not our last choice. Actually, there isn't an "order" of choices. I always wanted to adopt, P (my husband) told me we could have one each way. No, we did not choose to try fertility treatments...thanks for asking (something that's none of your damn business). We could have also just not had kids, and you know what, that would have been an ok choice too, just not one that we chose to make. And, no, no, no, I will not pity myself or this child that she will not have my goofy red hair, my husbands skinny neck, or either of ours atrocious vision. See, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound so great to have to kid look exactly like one of you, now does it?

See this is the thing, a lot of people think that we've had to settle for adoption. That implies a tacit judgement that one is better than the other. How can it be? I know people who were happy they were adopted and others that wish they had been instead of the life that they were raised in. And I know ones that think the other way around. How is one better than the other?? My child is not worth less because she came from China than my womb. I mistakenly thought H was going to be born of me. After all those years of trying, I found out that was not meant to be. She is in China. Our hearts and our minds have led us there. H is H, whether she is red haired and short, or black haired and olive skinned. H is what is inside my child's body, be it male or female. That soul that I've been looking for all these years. That is H.

See, I don't see adoption as defining my life, my family, or H. Will it be a definite part of the make up of who she is? Hell yeah. There's no denying it, and there's no reason to. But I don't want her to be defined as an Adopted Chinese Girl. She'll be all that, but she'll be so much more too. (Note, I say girl/she/her, but I'm fully aware that H may be a boy, but I'm going with odds here, 'kay?)

And I don't want to be defined as the friend/family member/coworker/acquantaince that has to be pitied/whispered about/looked at as what someone doesn't want to happen to them as what "happened" to me. It's just a part of me, but just a piece. It isn't me.

Just like I alluded to in the paragraph 4 above this one: Everyone always says "Oh, don't you want a baby with your beautiful eyes?" Well, you could also give birth to a baby that doesn't have your beautiful eyes but sure as heck carries the overwhelming tendencies towards cancer that so much of your family seems to carry. Or that alzheimers gene that apparently is on both sides of your families. See, when people want to argue that they think one thing is better than the other, they argue the positives, but don't argue the negatives....cause it doesn't suit their side of things. Course this is my blog, so I can play the devils advocate to my hearts content.

Same thing with how we are going to bring H into our lives. No I will never feel her kick inside of me. But you will never know what it is like to see your daughter for the first time when the nanny hands her to you in a government office in a province somewhere. No I will not see her first breath. But you will not know what it is like to experience getting to know a child that already has a personality, and an opinion. I mourn that I may not be there for her first birthday. But I will know what it is like to feel the first time she really really smiles at me cause she's decided I'm a pretty good one to be stuck with, and I will know the first time that she really truly leans in to hug me, or leans into me to feel safe. I will feel it like I never felt it before, and I will know that she has chosen me, finally. I also relish the fact that I, the language impaired one, have tackled Mandarin with gusto and more effort than I ever thought possible. And I will try to my dying day to be able to speak at a first grade level, and will probably embarass H at Chinese school, trying my darndest whenever I have a chance. It's something that I would have never learned if I had not taken this journey.

So the end of this whole rant is: You may not think my way is the best way, but don't treat me like I'm a lesser person than someone who has given birth. And do not treat my child that she is a 2nd choice in mine and P's life. There will be hell to pay if you do that. Don't treat us special either. Don't point out to people that she is adopted (I think they will figure it out). She's not my adopted child, she's just my child. And be as excited for me when you see her referral picture as you are when the woman up the street shows everyone her sonogram.

We're exactly the same, in a different way.

What the customer doesn't know won't hurt him...

I get to work at home some days. I love working at home. I skip the commute, I save the planet just a smidge, and I get to watch bad bad daytime tv during lunch. I figure, no matter how sh*$#y my life becomes, I won't ever be on Maury trying to find out who my baby's daddy is! Of course, we'll never know who my baby's daddy is, or my baby's mother either, truth be told...but that's for another post.

Scratch that...well, modify that. Of course we'll know who H's mom and dad are. We won't know who created H. And that whole semantics thing of birthmother vs mother vs real mother vs adopted mother, well, that's something that's been hashed over and over again, and I'm sure I'll hash it here at some point, but no one is ever going to change their viewpoints on it, and I digress anyways...

The coolest thing about working at home: It's 9:55am, I just got off the phone on a conference call with our biggest clients...I've got a cat on the end of the desk sleeping, and I'm in my pjs and robe, just like Dilbert. How cool is that?

Just the facts, Ma'am

OK, to get the ball rolling, we do need just a little bit of history here, I think. You'll quickly figure out that I'm married, a child of the 80's, have two felines that are convinced they are humans and in charge, and waiting to adopt a little one from China. We've been waiting over 19 months now...we're LID 12/05. (Of an originally expected 6-8 month wait) (...ok, now that I've got that off my chest, you can see the implied absurdity of my life right now. I'll try not to bring that little factoid up too much)

At another time, I'll put a bunch of handy dandy links out there that explain all the adoption stuff that makes you sound like an expert when you toss all the phrases and acronyms around, but I really don't want to rehash all the already out there stuff...

I don't want this to be an adoption blog. (No offense to all you really good ones out there) As we get closer and closer to bring H home, I'm sure it'll seem like that some days. But this is more a "I've got some thoughts and ideas and they may stink, but, well the internet lets me blather on, so that's what I'm going to do" kinda blog. Of course, with "blather" being in the best connotation of the word.

But all that will have to wait for another day. 'night all...

Moving into the Blogosphere

OK all, I make no promises here, so as long as you don't expect too much of me, we should all get along just fine! I'm going to try to keep some anonimity here, probably won't see very many pics of my smiling face, but the cats, and my life around me are fair game.

I like discussion, and friendly debate, but let's keep it at that, okay?

Sit back, let's chat and get to know each other.