A few days ago, my mom came over and watched the girls while we got some work done around the house. She brought pork chops with her, and asked if husband would bbq them for dinner for all of us. Sure. All is good.
Big Girl likes fat. It's a delicacy in China. When we had country ribs, she picked the fat off my plate and smacked her lips as she ate it. Gives me the heebies, but, hey, that's ok. Now, I do want to temper it, cause it's not the healthiest habit, and she's eating a LOT more meat than she ever had in China. Anyways, she tried to scam everyone's fat from the edge of the chops...my mom instantly, in her tactful, kind hearted way kinda squealed "Ewwww...you don't eat THAT...at least here you don't."
I should have let Big Girl have my fat. Just mine. But I didn't. I was tired from working all day, and I hopped on the bandwagon. "No, Babe, not tonight, it's not good for you." "But it's yummmm." "It's not good for your heart." She was disappointed.
I'm mad at myself. I want to teach the girls moderation - something I wasn't taught as a kid. My mom was the kind that would not allow herself any chocolate for a month, then take down a whole bag of M&Ms in a day and a half because she had deprived herself. Like, it's ok to have a piece of chocolate. Not ok to take down a bag of them. It's ok to have a glass of wine or two...not ok to routinely take down a case of beer by yourself. etc etc etc
And I'm mad at myself for a bigger reason too...this is how she was raised. This is what her tastes and inclinations have been formed as...and who am I to say "no...ick."???
And this goes to a bigger issue I'm seeing more and more as older kids are being adopted more and more...this belief that we should make them conform to our desires, mores, and wants. I've seen things on blogs that turn my stomach...a man who shattered an amulet from a beloved caretaker in China (no, throwing it out wasn't good enough even) because it wasn't part of his religion...people talking smack about the horrible country these kids come from, people changing habits that don't need to be changed asap, to suit the family's life asap.
Here's the thing about adopting older: I see too often posts on boards that go like this:
My husband and I believe in (insert here - religion, non religion, vegetarianism, the world is flat, that vampires exist...whatever) and we want to adopt an older kid, but husband is worried that the kid won't take to our weekly honoring of the Eggplant God in our Family Room.
See, this is reversed messed up thinking...
WE, as prospective parents, have to be preparing ourselves now for how we'll cope with the kid not wanting to give up their fat, or not go to church or being a die-hard Communist. We have to prepare to change...not figure out how to change their minds!
If you are religious, realize your kid may not believe what you believe. In fact, these kids may have been raised in another religion and be devout. I should have taught Big Girl about moderation with the fat, instead of forbidding it. Or if your kid loves to shower at night instead of the morning, then, what's the harm? Or what if your kid has no interest in a college education, but wants to be an electrician...even though 4 generations of your family has become doctors. Or...what if you are a devout pacifist, and your new child aspires to join the military? It may not be how you would do it. But that's not the point...
Ask YOURSELF instead: How will I feel if she insists on eating meat that's been slaughtered against my wishes. How will I feel if she doesn't take on my religious beliefs. What is she takes on a different religions beliefs? How will I feel if she thinks Communism is The Bomb? How will I accomodate HER? How will I not strip her of all the things that she feels makes up who she is?
You may not want the little palm sized Buddha, or the amulet from the caretaker...but your kid might. It might mean something non-religious to them...just a small piece of the life they are leaving for us. You may not want to eat fat...and they probably don't want a twinkie either, cause let's face it, if you weren't raised with them, they are gross. Would it have hurt for her to eat a few pieces of fat? No. Would a child bringing an amulet, a certain ratty toy from the SWI, or a little religious statue hurt your home? No. Can you explain why YOU believe in vegetarianism, atheism, Model T Car Sacrifices on the Full Moon? Of course...that's being a parent. (And of course, when issues of safety or laws etc come into play, that's a different situation that I'm not tackling here...)
Being an "adoptive" parent just means that you may not like the response you get when the child gives their opinion on your opinion re the topic at hand at that moment. And you have to be ok with that. A vegetarian may have to produce grilled chicken breasts for the kids, a Christian may have to allow a small statue of a non-Western religious figure because that brings comfort to the child, for religious or social memories and love. A staunch Right-Wing Conservative might have a kid that wants to become a supporter of socialism in the US. A picky eater may have a child that needs them to go get 4 different hot sauces and rather eat dofu, spicy noodles and eel than mac n cheese. Morning people may get a kid that just can't move more than snail speed in the morning for the first hour. A family of pacifists might get an aspiring army officer.
Cause these kids come as a package deal...they have likes, dislikes, hatred, and loves. They have histories, and cultural norms embedded in their brains.
If you want to adopt older, be willing to learn to live with a child that very well might not emulate your thought process on many subjects. Learn to embrace that new different thought process embedded in that little body and appreciate seeing a different viewpoint of the world around you...and anticipate learning to appreciate what they deem important, even if you don't.
