I've been having a lot of "lasts" lately...The last full week of work...the last Friday at work...the last grocery store trip...the last lunch out with friends...the last conference call...the last house project...the last get together with family...
P thinks I'm crazy. He just shakes his head at me..."it's just like going on vacation, K...you'll be back in 2 weeks. No different than last time we went to China."
Yeah, dude, it's totally different.
The vacations we took, we came home and picked up life right where it left off...usually running back to the endless jogging wheel of work, more tired than when we left (and the one time we planned down time when we got home?! That's when we ended up having to drive from Toronto home)...BUT this time, this is the discontinuous line adjustment of life. I'm not complaining, but it's different...it's not the same at all...all the little things...Hey, M&L, yeah, let's have a Wii-fest and go get super spicy Thai up the street the weekend we get home! That'd be swwweeeettt. Hey, D&K, J&B, N&C - let's have a bbq on the 22nd...Can't do that. Can't even tell work when I'm coming back!
This is the first time in my life that I can remember that there is a break in my life continuum. The reason for it doesn't scare me, I'm ready for it. But it's just straight out an odd feeling...I have not a single plan but for one...motherhood...for when I get home...
No nights out.
No plans with friends or family. (Though I think the deal of no airport meeting traded for dinner the next night with my mom is something I can't barter out of, my guess...)
No projects deadlines for work.
No house projects.
No vacations to plan.
No pedicures.
No helping out friends with various things.
All I have planned from March of 08 on is: Pay bills, eat, sleep, bathe (I hope), shop for food and basic supplies, buy cute baby shoes and mother. Hopefully a little something something on the side with P when H goes to bed, but now I know all you parents out there are laughing already...
For me, the list planner, the organizer, the duck-liner-upper (you should see how awesomly straight my ducks are...they are the US duck standard, I'm telling you), this is a bigger leap of faith in myself a thousand times over than the actual parenthood I'm taking on. The lack of structure, the floating from day to day and seeing how it goes...
Well, I've never been one to shy away from a challenge.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Baby H's SWI
Here's a posted update from Half The Sky on H's SWI:
Huaihua HeChen District SWI, Hunan - need winter clothing, quilts, diapers, heaters, medical assistance. Estimated cost: 50,000 yuan; total child population: 35 (social welfare institutions house elderly also)
I worry...constantly...
Huaihua HeChen District SWI, Hunan - need winter clothing, quilts, diapers, heaters, medical assistance. Estimated cost: 50,000 yuan; total child population: 35 (social welfare institutions house elderly also)
I worry...constantly...
Friday, February 1, 2008
Moving Dreams
First off, thanks everyone for your packing tips, I appreciate it!
We're home snow-bound today, though B&J 2 doors down apparently snowblowed our entire driveway AND our sidewalks. They are amazing neighbors (even without the doing favors for us thing)...I was doing H laundry while working from home, P's here too, cause you know that little sports car will NEVER get thru our totally unplowed streets - not one plow has come yet - even on the main streets in our 'hood. Finally, went to go outside, bite the bullet, and all the snow was gone...until you hit the street - there's about 10 inches there.
Anyways, why this matters - I slept in this morning, knowing I wasn't going to work, cause it took me 1 hour 50 minutes to get home yesterday (usually, 35 minutes).
I had one of those damn "moving dreams" again...a little different than I've had in the past. We are in the apartment, P is soon going to graduate (I don't think the impending graduation has been in there before). And I remember that we put money down on a house like a year before and they have never called to tell us that they are going to start building! Then, I realize we have like 3 months to be moved out of the apartment. Now, why I would not have remembered a house under contract, that's just odd...Nothing this time about stuff being left behind in the apartment, or trying to move, like the dreams normally are...this was all about planning. And then we went to get yesterday's paper to look for ads for housing, cause we had realized we didn't have to live in the house we had put money down on, that there were nice towns other than the one I went to HS in (mind you, we don't live there now at all)....and it was like, ok, let's find another one. Basically, who cares about the other house...
So, even though the moving to the house and leaving the apartment when P got his PhD was not at all stressful, at least not that I felt it was at the time, somehow, I think this is for sure a manifestation of my worries about change, or probably, change out of my control! Our agency hasn't given us the particulars of our time in China (when we fly between cities etc), and I don't take to that kind of ambiquity very well....
Of course, the natural disaster of the winter storms is weighing on my head and heart heavily right now. I wish I was there living it with H, even if we were stuck in Hunan, to know she was safe and warm.
But I can't be, so I can only hope that this clears up in the next week or so, and that our travel isn't delayed in any way, so I can be there when I'm planning on being there!
Yet, I still can't help but look outside today and dream of snowmen and snowball fights with H, and the gleeful scream of delight (from me) when we realize that we have a snowday and I can spend it at home with H...hopefully she'll scream with delight too!
We're home snow-bound today, though B&J 2 doors down apparently snowblowed our entire driveway AND our sidewalks. They are amazing neighbors (even without the doing favors for us thing)...I was doing H laundry while working from home, P's here too, cause you know that little sports car will NEVER get thru our totally unplowed streets - not one plow has come yet - even on the main streets in our 'hood. Finally, went to go outside, bite the bullet, and all the snow was gone...until you hit the street - there's about 10 inches there.
Anyways, why this matters - I slept in this morning, knowing I wasn't going to work, cause it took me 1 hour 50 minutes to get home yesterday (usually, 35 minutes).
I had one of those damn "moving dreams" again...a little different than I've had in the past. We are in the apartment, P is soon going to graduate (I don't think the impending graduation has been in there before). And I remember that we put money down on a house like a year before and they have never called to tell us that they are going to start building! Then, I realize we have like 3 months to be moved out of the apartment. Now, why I would not have remembered a house under contract, that's just odd...Nothing this time about stuff being left behind in the apartment, or trying to move, like the dreams normally are...this was all about planning. And then we went to get yesterday's paper to look for ads for housing, cause we had realized we didn't have to live in the house we had put money down on, that there were nice towns other than the one I went to HS in (mind you, we don't live there now at all)....and it was like, ok, let's find another one. Basically, who cares about the other house...
So, even though the moving to the house and leaving the apartment when P got his PhD was not at all stressful, at least not that I felt it was at the time, somehow, I think this is for sure a manifestation of my worries about change, or probably, change out of my control! Our agency hasn't given us the particulars of our time in China (when we fly between cities etc), and I don't take to that kind of ambiquity very well....
Of course, the natural disaster of the winter storms is weighing on my head and heart heavily right now. I wish I was there living it with H, even if we were stuck in Hunan, to know she was safe and warm.
But I can't be, so I can only hope that this clears up in the next week or so, and that our travel isn't delayed in any way, so I can be there when I'm planning on being there!
Yet, I still can't help but look outside today and dream of snowmen and snowball fights with H, and the gleeful scream of delight (from me) when we realize that we have a snowday and I can spend it at home with H...hopefully she'll scream with delight too!
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