I'm going to go off topic for a bit today...
Here's where we stand in our family:
Husband is coming up on 40 (not quite yet)...he originally told me when we talked #2 that 40 was his cutoff. Done. Over. Don't raise the "a" word again after that. I'm 18 months behind him but age is just a stupid number to me.
We have Peanut who is 3.5 and Big Girl who is 9. Peanut is high maintenance...I don't deny it. So far Big Girl has been here 7 weeks, and seems to be a pretty laid back kid. Both are wickedly smart. Big girl does have some SWI behaviors and such (ignore the fact that mom is upset there is chili on her linen drape and maybe it'll go away) but has gone better than we have ever hoped so far. Peanut is to smart for her own good - let's just leave it at that for the behavior department.
We don't ever want to do a child under 3 again. No way no how. Babies hold no charm for us.
I think I want one more child. Husband, not so much. I think I want a boy...I'd take either if husband was happy with that pursuit.
We know Big Girl needs at least 9 months, at least a year home probably as the new kid.
Big Girl told me she wants a big brother...not gonna happen. Big Girl is Big Girl - she will stay the oldest. I think Peanut would do best being the youngest. And there's a nice age gap where you can settle a kidlet in the middle.
We're still waiting for Taiwan. Why...I dunno. Because, well, how the hell do you stop? You've invested time/money/heart into it to have them up and stop on you...find out this program was borderline on ethics...live another 14 months with next to no info...but... what if? And...I'm damn pigheaded - I don't give up. I dig my heels in. I was raised to see things to an end, whatever that end may be. I'm redheaded, stubborn and I don't do well with ambiguity.
What if...what if...what if...
Everything is expired - immigration, Home Studies etc...so we have to admit that we're basically almost totally back at a square one anyways.
Do we now also submit a birth parent letter for another program that would allow us access to other older kid's files? Let the treadmill keep going until a file comes across our hands and we have to choose - yes or no? Make circumstances back us into a wall to make the final decision?
Or do we stop. Do we get off the gerbil wheel of this pretty much/probably doomed program? Do we just say enough-is-enough? Start over with China when and if both of us are back on board completely? See....to me, husband won't say that...ever. And I won't "convince" him it's time cause I don't believe in that...but could he see a file offered and change his mind? Yeah, I could see him doing that.
But there's an emotional toll that adopting plays on you. We've been on this wheel for basically 6 years now. We started Peanut's adoption in early 2005. She came home 3 years later. (eeep!). We only waited about 4 months to start Taiwan because we know how much it sucks to adopt internationally these days. Then we changed course and pursued Big Girl in 12/09. That's a long time to be treading time. And chances are the Taiwan program will be/is a bust. Maybe an older kid would come along, probably not...and I would LOVE to not have to rot another week in Guangzhou ever again...and the trip is a week...lots of things that if we did beat those lotto-like odds that would be nice...
But do we just say "we give up". Do we put it behind us to give us peace? Will it give us peace? Or will it be a fearful panic attack as you drop the letter in the box but then feel an explosion of serenity? Or would we be clawing at the mailbox to get the letter back? To send that letter...to stop the wheel spinning...doesn't that admit that you are willing to turn your back on "just maybe"?
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The importance of 13 Stuffed Animals...
Big Girl is starting to get indignant. In moments...here and there, randomly, with no rhyme or reason. The other day she came into Peanut's room as I helped Peanut make her bed. Big Girl wandered around the room and in the end tallied up Peanut's stuffies. Good counting I thought. Then she went to her room. She tallied her stuffies. Good English there too, I thought and told her so. Then more English came out "Why 13 friends?" Huh? I dunno...most were gifts. "I no 13 friends."
Ahhhhhh....
Well, you have 6 friends. And they are nice friends. And a beautiful Big Girl doll that you got for Christmas...
A few days later..."why you blankies?"...because when she was a baby those are what we used in her crib." "Why now?!" Because she feels good holding a certain kind of them." "I get blankies..." Ok, I'll get one for your room, are you cold? Or do you want one for watching TV? "Room". OK...will do - purple, white or green?
No. No one blankie. 10 blankies.
No - you don't need 10 blankies. Let's get one, and if you use it, I'll get you another.
20 blankies.
OK, now I'm a bit miffed.
I get it, I get she wants what she feels she didn't have. Totally. And she will get those things...she does get those things - if she needs them or can use them.
But we also have to deal with the fact that we're getting a little...errrr...grubby. You see, even Peanut never had 20 blankets. Now, whatever she perceives she should have too, she ups it by a factor of 2. Peanut has 4? I have 2? I need 8... THAT my friends, is unacceptable. We do not buy to buy. That is a bad lesson if you've been here 10 years, or 10 days.
And how I've quickly decided this house will run is that "fair" does NOT equal "equal." Yes, Peanut has a ton of stuffed animals. Got it. She's 3.5. That's her thing. YOU got a $100 Karito Kid doll. Yes, Peanut has more jeans than you...she is 3.5 and spills more. You have more sweaters because you go to go school and play outside. "Fair" is that we take care of both girls, give them both what they needs physically, emotionally, and support-wise. "Fair" isn't two equal piles of crap stacked up and tallied in a spreadsheet.
It's a hard lesson to learn for everyone. And we're walking the fine line of giving a little more at times for that emotional need Big Girl has, even when things aren't needed. And not crossing it into, for lack of a better word, decadence. She wanted a pink room last week, like sister's. Ummm....no. Sister has pink, you have purple. Mama bought you beautiful sheets and comforters. I will NOT cast them aside so you can match sister. You want a girly girly pillow for your bed, I'm all over that.
And I've been a bit cautious compared to what I think I would normally do -the trip to Gymboree ended up, almost accidentally, one for one girl for girl...yet Big Girl got miffed that Peanut had a few more pair of underwear. Welllll...when your undies fit great and Peanuts are getting a bit tight, she gets more. That's what she needs. We got you one pair because we knew you'd like the strawberries on them, though you didn't need them. That sister got 3 pair, well, that's what happened.
Tough lesson, and one some would argue I shouldn't teach yet...but it's gonna be harder to learn if we don't do it now. And Peanut is learning the same thing...you can't get what the Big Sister has many times...you can't have scissors like Big Girl cause you aren't old enough.
I refuse to count out my kisses, time, or the hugs, or the crackers. I see a momentary glint of something in your eyes, you get a hug and a kiss and a stroke on the cheek. I will not tally and count these things either. I will dole them out with abandon, the one that needs, takes, until they don't need anymore.
The old adage...life isn't fair. And especially Big Girl is aware of it. It's a hard lesson for littles, but it is their lives - their pasts have stamped that lesson in their schoolbook of life early. I can't...I won't...make up for it in some ways. In other ways...in the important ways...we will not only make up for it, we have vowed to compensate to the nth degree. And that's what is more important than anything.
Ahhhhhh....
Well, you have 6 friends. And they are nice friends. And a beautiful Big Girl doll that you got for Christmas...
A few days later..."why
No. No one blankie. 10 blankies.
No - you don't need 10 blankies. Let's get one, and if you use it, I'll get you another.
20 blankies.
OK, now I'm a bit miffed.
I get it, I get she wants what she feels she didn't have. Totally. And she will get those things...she does get those things - if she needs them or can use them.
But we also have to deal with the fact that we're getting a little...errrr...grubby. You see, even Peanut never had 20 blankets. Now, whatever she perceives she should have too, she ups it by a factor of 2. Peanut has 4? I have 2? I need 8... THAT my friends, is unacceptable. We do not buy to buy. That is a bad lesson if you've been here 10 years, or 10 days.
And how I've quickly decided this house will run is that "fair" does NOT equal "equal." Yes, Peanut has a ton of stuffed animals. Got it. She's 3.5. That's her thing. YOU got a $100 Karito Kid doll. Yes, Peanut has more jeans than you...she is 3.5 and spills more. You have more sweaters because you go to go school and play outside. "Fair" is that we take care of both girls, give them both what they needs physically, emotionally, and support-wise. "Fair" isn't two equal piles of crap stacked up and tallied in a spreadsheet.
It's a hard lesson to learn for everyone. And we're walking the fine line of giving a little more at times for that emotional need Big Girl has, even when things aren't needed. And not crossing it into, for lack of a better word, decadence. She wanted a pink room last week, like sister's. Ummm....no. Sister has pink, you have purple. Mama bought you beautiful sheets and comforters. I will NOT cast them aside so you can match sister. You want a girly girly pillow for your bed, I'm all over that.
And I've been a bit cautious compared to what I think I would normally do -the trip to Gymboree ended up, almost accidentally, one for one girl for girl...yet Big Girl got miffed that Peanut had a few more pair of underwear. Welllll...when your undies fit great and Peanuts are getting a bit tight, she gets more. That's what she needs. We got you one pair because we knew you'd like the strawberries on them, though you didn't need them. That sister got 3 pair, well, that's what happened.
Tough lesson, and one some would argue I shouldn't teach yet...but it's gonna be harder to learn if we don't do it now. And Peanut is learning the same thing...you can't get what the Big Sister has many times...you can't have scissors like Big Girl cause you aren't old enough.
I refuse to count out my kisses, time, or the hugs, or the crackers. I see a momentary glint of something in your eyes, you get a hug and a kiss and a stroke on the cheek. I will not tally and count these things either. I will dole them out with abandon, the one that needs, takes, until they don't need anymore.
The old adage...life isn't fair. And especially Big Girl is aware of it. It's a hard lesson for littles, but it is their lives - their pasts have stamped that lesson in their schoolbook of life early. I can't...I won't...make up for it in some ways. In other ways...in the important ways...we will not only make up for it, we have vowed to compensate to the nth degree. And that's what is more important than anything.
Monday, January 3, 2011
The realities of saying no...
I rarely make sense to myself. I'm the first one to admit that, so remember this as I roll the garbage out of my head onto the computer screen...
I Do Not believe it fate...I do not believe in The Child that was Meant To Be Yours. I think that's a lot of crap that gives some people solace that they are waiting in a ridiculous line for what, sadly, may be a pipe dream due to China's opaque policies and planning. I truly believe that you love the child you are given. Could you take Peanut from me now? Only if you pry her out of my dead and decomposed hands, of course. Would have have elected to take three years of my life hoping and praying for her, not knowing her? No. I would have loved the child that was handed to us a year earlier in the wait, or a year later. And I truly believe that. The "they do this" or "they laugh at Chevy Chase just like us" is a product of being raised in our households. And.. that we learn to love whatever is possible to love in our children because of them being our children.
With that being said, I also truly believe in people truly planning out adoption and really admitting to what they can handle. I believe in people having the funds for it (and yes, we held off an adoption and got closed out of a program when my husband lost his job...so I do walk the walk.) and I believe that people should research all the aspects of SN (and all adoptions) before they leap for a cute picture with a warm smile. I personally believe that is responsible. And honestly, I don't want to debate it, cause, well, everyone has their viewpoint, and it's not one that's going to change. I have friends who have acted contrary to the principals that I hold for myself, and I've supported them all the way, cause as you know, that's how I roll - it's my life...and it's your life.
So one month to the day after we met Big Girl, we got an email, from our Taiwan agency. The one that a year later still supposedly will have a viable program soon. We have fought tooth and nail to have them redefine the child we are looking for, and their awesome Inter-Country director did do this. I never thought we'd hear from them though. Not in a million years. The title of the email was "our last name: 5 year old girl file for your review."
After I picked my teeth up off the floor after they fell out when the jaw bone cracked on the tile...I just stared at it for a minute. Really?! And the heart racing. The sweaty palms...the whole bit. And I clicked, opened and read it.
I read it to husband. He just rolled his eyes at me and said "Do you really want another one?!"
Yeah...I think I do.There went another tooth on the tile...
But she was not it. She was listed as having developmental delays due to severe neglect at a young age. We cannot take on those kinds of issues. Just as we couldn't take on the issues of the other 3 files we looked at before Big Girl...no matter how desperate that we felt to find our daughter a year ago. Sooo...within 20 minutes I had sent an email that said "no, I'm sorry, we cannot do that" and then again outlined the SNs we do feel comfortable with. Seems easy and done with, right?!
It jerked something inside of me...the possibilities. The future. The analyzing. The processing...cause no matter how much you see advocacy threads etc, to get a file offered to your family...all you have to do is say "yes" is a much different feeling. And, my thought is you love the child you get, right?
But it's not a matter of love. It's a matter of ability. And we weren't able, no matter how good Big Girl's adjustment is going, to take this on. And regardless of Big Girl...husband and I cannot take it on. We are not emotionally in the place to start this all over again. Cause there's sometimes living, and sometimes survival. I don't want us to just be surviving.
The simple fact is that adoptive parents don't play by the rules of bio parents. We can choose to embrace or reject a child who needs a home. And for us...for her...this was the thing to do. We can't be the best parents to her. We can't be to anyone right now until we get Big Girl settled in - and Peanut adjusted. And that has to come first. Would I have grown to love that little girl in the email? No doubt. But I had the luxury of making that choice...of not risking having to put my family in crisis. Adoption isn't birth and vice versa. And the quicker we all admit to the inequities and stop trying to make these processes as much the same as possible, the better.
I'm wistful for what might have been. Hopeful for what might be the future. And assured in my moments of clarity that I used the right organ in my body to decide what was best for everyone...for right now.
I Do Not believe it fate...I do not believe in The Child that was Meant To Be Yours. I think that's a lot of crap that gives some people solace that they are waiting in a ridiculous line for what, sadly, may be a pipe dream due to China's opaque policies and planning. I truly believe that you love the child you are given. Could you take Peanut from me now? Only if you pry her out of my dead and decomposed hands, of course. Would have have elected to take three years of my life hoping and praying for her, not knowing her? No. I would have loved the child that was handed to us a year earlier in the wait, or a year later. And I truly believe that. The "they do this" or "they laugh at Chevy Chase just like us" is a product of being raised in our households. And.. that we learn to love whatever is possible to love in our children because of them being our children.
With that being said, I also truly believe in people truly planning out adoption and really admitting to what they can handle. I believe in people having the funds for it (and yes, we held off an adoption and got closed out of a program when my husband lost his job...so I do walk the walk.) and I believe that people should research all the aspects of SN (and all adoptions) before they leap for a cute picture with a warm smile. I personally believe that is responsible. And honestly, I don't want to debate it, cause, well, everyone has their viewpoint, and it's not one that's going to change. I have friends who have acted contrary to the principals that I hold for myself, and I've supported them all the way, cause as you know, that's how I roll - it's my life...and it's your life.
So one month to the day after we met Big Girl, we got an email, from our Taiwan agency. The one that a year later still supposedly will have a viable program soon. We have fought tooth and nail to have them redefine the child we are looking for, and their awesome Inter-Country director did do this. I never thought we'd hear from them though. Not in a million years. The title of the email was "our last name: 5 year old girl file for your review."
After I picked my teeth up off the floor after they fell out when the jaw bone cracked on the tile...I just stared at it for a minute. Really?! And the heart racing. The sweaty palms...the whole bit. And I clicked, opened and read it.
I read it to husband. He just rolled his eyes at me and said "Do you really want another one?!"
Yeah...I think I do.
But she was not it. She was listed as having developmental delays due to severe neglect at a young age. We cannot take on those kinds of issues. Just as we couldn't take on the issues of the other 3 files we looked at before Big Girl...no matter how desperate that we felt to find our daughter a year ago. Sooo...within 20 minutes I had sent an email that said "no, I'm sorry, we cannot do that" and then again outlined the SNs we do feel comfortable with. Seems easy and done with, right?!
It jerked something inside of me...the possibilities. The future. The analyzing. The processing...cause no matter how much you see advocacy threads etc, to get a file offered to your family...all you have to do is say "yes" is a much different feeling. And, my thought is you love the child you get, right?
But it's not a matter of love. It's a matter of ability. And we weren't able, no matter how good Big Girl's adjustment is going, to take this on. And regardless of Big Girl...husband and I cannot take it on. We are not emotionally in the place to start this all over again. Cause there's sometimes living, and sometimes survival. I don't want us to just be surviving.
The simple fact is that adoptive parents don't play by the rules of bio parents. We can choose to embrace or reject a child who needs a home. And for us...for her...this was the thing to do. We can't be the best parents to her. We can't be to anyone right now until we get Big Girl settled in - and Peanut adjusted. And that has to come first. Would I have grown to love that little girl in the email? No doubt. But I had the luxury of making that choice...of not risking having to put my family in crisis. Adoption isn't birth and vice versa. And the quicker we all admit to the inequities and stop trying to make these processes as much the same as possible, the better.
I'm wistful for what might have been. Hopeful for what might be the future. And assured in my moments of clarity that I used the right organ in my body to decide what was best for everyone...for right now.
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