I'm going to go off topic for a bit today...
Here's where we stand in our family:
Husband is coming up on 40 (not quite yet)...he originally told me when we talked #2 that 40 was his cutoff. Done. Over. Don't raise the "a" word again after that. I'm 18 months behind him but age is just a stupid number to me.
We have Peanut who is 3.5 and Big Girl who is 9. Peanut is high maintenance...I don't deny it. So far Big Girl has been here 7 weeks, and seems to be a pretty laid back kid. Both are wickedly smart. Big girl does have some SWI behaviors and such (ignore the fact that mom is upset there is chili on her linen drape and maybe it'll go away) but has gone better than we have ever hoped so far. Peanut is to smart for her own good - let's just leave it at that for the behavior department.
We don't ever want to do a child under 3 again. No way no how. Babies hold no charm for us.
I think I want one more child. Husband, not so much. I think I want a boy...I'd take either if husband was happy with that pursuit.
We know Big Girl needs at least 9 months, at least a year home probably as the new kid.
Big Girl told me she wants a big brother...not gonna happen. Big Girl is Big Girl - she will stay the oldest. I think Peanut would do best being the youngest. And there's a nice age gap where you can settle a kidlet in the middle.
We're still waiting for Taiwan. Why...I dunno. Because, well, how the hell do you stop? You've invested time/money/heart into it to have them up and stop on you...find out this program was borderline on ethics...live another 14 months with next to no info...but... what if? And...I'm damn pigheaded - I don't give up. I dig my heels in. I was raised to see things to an end, whatever that end may be. I'm redheaded, stubborn and I don't do well with ambiguity.
What if...what if...what if...
Everything is expired - immigration, Home Studies etc...so we have to admit that we're basically almost totally back at a square one anyways.
Do we now also submit a birth parent letter for another program that would allow us access to other older kid's files? Let the treadmill keep going until a file comes across our hands and we have to choose - yes or no? Make circumstances back us into a wall to make the final decision?
Or do we stop. Do we get off the gerbil wheel of this pretty much/probably doomed program? Do we just say enough-is-enough? Start over with China when and if both of us are back on board completely? See....to me, husband won't say that...ever. And I won't "convince" him it's time cause I don't believe in that...but could he see a file offered and change his mind? Yeah, I could see him doing that.
But there's an emotional toll that adopting plays on you. We've been on this wheel for basically 6 years now. We started Peanut's adoption in early 2005. She came home 3 years later. (eeep!). We only waited about 4 months to start Taiwan because we know how much it sucks to adopt internationally these days. Then we changed course and pursued Big Girl in 12/09. That's a long time to be treading time. And chances are the Taiwan program will be/is a bust. Maybe an older kid would come along, probably not...and I would LOVE to not have to rot another week in Guangzhou ever again...and the trip is a week...lots of things that if we did beat those lotto-like odds that would be nice...
But do we just say "we give up". Do we put it behind us to give us peace? Will it give us peace? Or will it be a fearful panic attack as you drop the letter in the box but then feel an explosion of serenity? Or would we be clawing at the mailbox to get the letter back? To send that letter...to stop the wheel spinning...doesn't that admit that you are willing to turn your back on "just maybe"?
No comments:
Post a Comment