Rant #1: Hello, I'm worthless

OK, here's my first official web rant:

Yes, I'm adopting. Yes, it's taken more time than I ever in a million gagillion years thought it would. Yes, it's true that I can't have "my own" kids. Yes, sometimes I'm sad that I never got to go thru the special connection a mother has with a child while that child is growing in utero. Yes, I'm as excited as anyone anticipating giving birth. I've been that excited for 19.5 months now.

No, you do not have to pity me. No, adoption is not our last choice. Actually, there isn't an "order" of choices. I always wanted to adopt, P (my husband) told me we could have one each way. No, we did not choose to try fertility treatments...thanks for asking (something that's none of your damn business). We could have also just not had kids, and you know what, that would have been an ok choice too, just not one that we chose to make. And, no, no, no, I will not pity myself or this child that she will not have my goofy red hair, my husbands skinny neck, or either of ours atrocious vision. See, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound so great to have to kid look exactly like one of you, now does it?

See this is the thing, a lot of people think that we've had to settle for adoption. That implies a tacit judgement that one is better than the other. How can it be? I know people who were happy they were adopted and others that wish they had been instead of the life that they were raised in. And I know ones that think the other way around. How is one better than the other?? My child is not worth less because she came from China than my womb. I mistakenly thought H was going to be born of me. After all those years of trying, I found out that was not meant to be. She is in China. Our hearts and our minds have led us there. H is H, whether she is red haired and short, or black haired and olive skinned. H is what is inside my child's body, be it male or female. That soul that I've been looking for all these years. That is H.

See, I don't see adoption as defining my life, my family, or H. Will it be a definite part of the make up of who she is? Hell yeah. There's no denying it, and there's no reason to. But I don't want her to be defined as an Adopted Chinese Girl. She'll be all that, but she'll be so much more too. (Note, I say girl/she/her, but I'm fully aware that H may be a boy, but I'm going with odds here, 'kay?)

And I don't want to be defined as the friend/family member/coworker/acquantaince that has to be pitied/whispered about/looked at as what someone doesn't want to happen to them as what "happened" to me. It's just a part of me, but just a piece. It isn't me.

Just like I alluded to in the paragraph 4 above this one: Everyone always says "Oh, don't you want a baby with your beautiful eyes?" Well, you could also give birth to a baby that doesn't have your beautiful eyes but sure as heck carries the overwhelming tendencies towards cancer that so much of your family seems to carry. Or that alzheimers gene that apparently is on both sides of your families. See, when people want to argue that they think one thing is better than the other, they argue the positives, but don't argue the negatives....cause it doesn't suit their side of things. Course this is my blog, so I can play the devils advocate to my hearts content.

Same thing with how we are going to bring H into our lives. No I will never feel her kick inside of me. But you will never know what it is like to see your daughter for the first time when the nanny hands her to you in a government office in a province somewhere. No I will not see her first breath. But you will not know what it is like to experience getting to know a child that already has a personality, and an opinion. I mourn that I may not be there for her first birthday. But I will know what it is like to feel the first time she really really smiles at me cause she's decided I'm a pretty good one to be stuck with, and I will know the first time that she really truly leans in to hug me, or leans into me to feel safe. I will feel it like I never felt it before, and I will know that she has chosen me, finally. I also relish the fact that I, the language impaired one, have tackled Mandarin with gusto and more effort than I ever thought possible. And I will try to my dying day to be able to speak at a first grade level, and will probably embarass H at Chinese school, trying my darndest whenever I have a chance. It's something that I would have never learned if I had not taken this journey.

So the end of this whole rant is: You may not think my way is the best way, but don't treat me like I'm a lesser person than someone who has given birth. And do not treat my child that she is a 2nd choice in mine and P's life. There will be hell to pay if you do that. Don't treat us special either. Don't point out to people that she is adopted (I think they will figure it out). She's not my adopted child, she's just my child. And be as excited for me when you see her referral picture as you are when the woman up the street shows everyone her sonogram.

We're exactly the same, in a different way.