We know China did not make it to the 5th. We know they made it to 11/30. There are very few people by whatever anyone can tell between 12/1 and 12/4. By not covering 12/5, this was an absymally disgustingly small amount of referrals. But god forbid they tell us how bad it was. To put us in the place we need to be to come to terms with things...again. No we have to guess and network by the thousands to come up with answers.
I want to rant.
I want to scream.
I want to quit.
I'm too pigheaded to quit.
But I'm thinking about it. Husband will stop me though. That may give me safety to be running this thought thru my head now. He saves me from my own stupid thoughts sometimes.
I want to sob.
I want to curl up and not go to work. I want people to be coming over to the house, sitting next to me, brushing the hair out of my face, trying to convince me to move, eat, shower, talk, go to work, come have a drink...something...anything.
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But I can't. I can't do any of it. I can't find a desire to have people around me, let alone have a meaningful conversation. I can't sit here and take the easy way out and bitch about how shitty my in-laws were this weekend.
I can only listen to my heart beat. Feel my lungs fill with oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. I can blink my eyes and keep them focused. I can get up and feel my legs moving beneath me as I pass the time doing what I have to do in daily life.
I can't talk of all the reasons this wait is wrong. Plain wrong. I can't talk about how "paper-ready" or not, there are kids that need homes. I can't post about how my agency tells me nothing and knows nothing.
I can't do anything to make this ache in my heart and chest stop.
I can't do anything to control my future. It is out of my hands.
I can feel anger at my agency's convenient lack of knowledge. I can feel bile in the back of my throat that at many levels of this process, people are still being encouraged to "Sign up, come join us for a lovely little wait...there's plenty of children who need loving homes."
And I can feel fear.
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I decided this was how I wanted to direct my life almost 29 months ago...I wanted to be a mother. I don't want that other life anymore, though it has been a very nice life. I've turned my back on that old life. But I can't attain my new one. No amount of education, effort, willpower or drive can help me attain it. All my tools that have helped me so well in life are useless. All the things that I hope will make me a good mother to someone someday...the things that I want to teach dependence on, none of those qualities serve me in this wait.
I could end this post with the "But I can believe. I can know deep in my aching heart that my baby H is in China. That (s)he is waiting for me."
But I won't. I can't believe.
3 comments:
Every single thing you've writeen went through my mind today. EVERY SINGLE ONE! Except the one about being too pig-headed to quit. But if you can say this after 22 months of waiting and now being next, I have to find it in me to continue the wait, too. This has been the first ever very bad day. I'm glad it's over.
A fellow 12/05 here - Your posts really hit home with me. Somehow you just type out how I feel. I too wanna quit, I wanna cry and I am very bitter and angry. Thank you for expressing your feelings and know that you are not alone in the way you are feeling right now. You think after waiting 22 months, we wouldn't have to do it anymore - but here we are - again waiting for the CCAA to decide for us when we can finally move on with our lives. I'm tired.
K,
I don't know what to say except I am here for you!!!!
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