Wishing the Days Away & Ulcers

I'm in a pensive mood. The weather here *sucks* the big one. Hot/overcase/cold/hot/rainy/repeat cycle. It's 15 degrees colder today than last. Tomorrow it'll be back up after another rain front comes thru. One of us will get a sinus infection.

The weather and Happy Workland don't help of course, neither do another of about 100 factors, some like crazy mothers that I've blogged about, but more than anything, I'm getting fed up with myself. Yes, I'm so bat-shit crazy with this wait, that I've turned my general loathing of a good percentage of how the world works out there right back on myself...

Hey, the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

I never even finished up my trip logs for y'all (haven't finished printing the pics out yet either)...I haven't done 2 major (well, not major, but pain in the rear factor is high) house projects that we have to do before H gets here. Haven't set up daycare (though I did research) etc etc etc...general malaise is the word for the day.

Worst though, I find myself waking up in the morning and instantly trying to think what the date is for the day (something I don't usually care about till I have to fill out a time sheet)...what's The Number???? Are we there yet P? Have we hit the magical 20's? Or better yet? The 30's? How close are we to getting our hopes and dreams dashed yet again by TATHMFF (The Agency That Holds My Family's Future - I think that's what I named it before, and well the malaise tells me to not go back and verify)? I almost shake - like I imagine a heroin addict shakes - before I get to RQ around lunch time, when I think, if there's going to be rumors, this is a good time for them.

Even more pathetic, I calculate and tally polls from RQ, I look at China Adoption Forecast etc etc...over and over again. Like something is going to change...I have the numbers of pollees cumulatively tallied next to each day on my printout of the polls, so I don't have to keep recalculating (at least I'm an efficient kook).

And, the biggest point of my own self-loathing: In doing all this (well, most off, I'm wasting brain cells and time), I don't even have an inkling of hope that this is The Month. I'm so pathetic, I wish amazing fantasys of the future, The Beginning Of November batch, but even then I can't wish us in! I dream of the 10th being in...surely that will set us up for December, right? I dream, at least the 9th, that'll get us 5 days away, we'll eek in. Even in my own fantasys, I don't get off this crazy-ass rollercoaster and start the next phase of my life! How pathetic am I? If I'm going to dream life away, shouldn't I be going for the big enchilada, in the sky? Nope not me...I'm too analytical, too beaten down, too realistic.

I'm trying in vain, in response to this phenomenon, to control my life. I want to plan the holidays. I want to go buy everything we need for the baby. I want to reorganize every closet. It drives me crazy P's business trip to Asia isn't being solidified. I'm not a gal that likes to free-float, so these last 22 months have been hell on the old psyche. A good lesson learned though, I think, though so brutally painful a lesson.

And the business trip...it's a long long ways away. Ergo, tickets are not cheap. I so want to go with him. Agency Of Hell (AOH) though didn't like the idea that P is going to be gone, even though they basically told me that they think we have a snowball's chance for December. But my agency does nothing more sophisticated than count on their fingers, "Nothing They Do Know", Yoda would tell me. So once the people planning this trip, once they get their heads out of their asses, do I throw caution to the wind, get the ticket no matter how much, and learn the lesson of just doing it. Not thinking of what can happen when? Do I try to stop in Japan on the way back and check another dream off my life list?

Let me check the poll numbers again and I'll get back to you...