Sometimes I worry that I failed my daughter...

I know that this is a new mom freakout, but I fear sometimes that I've already failed H in some ways...

We were sick in China. Dead sick. I got it the first day in PEK. P got it the night before we got H. We both ran fevers of over 101. We both lost a lung to coughing. We were both achy and listless. We made it thru the trip - that's it. With a lot of help.

We've been to 5 continents. I've been struck by a bicyclist in London - his fault, I swear. We're experienced travellers. We've never been to a doctor (even in London) outside the country. EVER. I've puked both my lungs out in Leningrad, still never went to a doctor.

This trip? I was begging to go to the hospital. I fear foreign hospitals. I was beeegggggging....

P had passed out from dehydration one morning at breakfast.

That's how sick we were.

I fear that we've already failed H. We weren't at our best for her. We rocked and cuddled thru the night, we fed her looking her in the eye, etc etc etc, but I wonder how the bonding could have been helped if we hadn't been so sick. We even had to give her to some travelmates one night for an hour or so, just to rest. They were great with her. Did she get affected by that? By being passed around?

I feel also that I haven't done things to document what we needed to document. We have pictures, yes, but we don't have nearly what I thought we had, what the rest of the group has. We just couldn't. I have video of some of the rest of our group getting their children, I don't have it of us - it was chaotic there, I didn't think they were going to start doing the placements, and then boom we were 2nd. I was too tired and befuddled with meds and sickness to even think ahead to ask someone to video.

There are a few things that I wish I had bought her in China. I got to the Walmart to get supplies in province, and I suffered a set back for 3 days for it. I couldn't go hunting for what I wanted for her. I don't care about the squeaky shoes and the dresses, I can go to Chinatown here, and the miracle of the internet can take care of that. But there were some nice things I wanted to get her, that weren't readily found, and I didn't have the stamina to find them for her.

Will she feel she lost something because of this?

For an uplifting end to this post, we took her to our favorite Chinese restaurant for their amazing Dim Sum yesterday, and H was in heaven. She sat in a booster for over 2 hours, happy. She was watching all the Chinese people intently. One pack of gerber stage 2 peas, and then bits and pieces of dim sum, torn up really small, cause mama is paranoid. The kid is definetly not a vegetarian. She loves all parts of bbq pork buns, just like her mama too. We brought home some pieces of dim sum as leftovers for her.

And, it's 2:36p, and I've made it thru most of my first day alone with her. She finally took a nap. She was raging, she was sooo tired (played with her feet instead of napping this morning.). If this kid is so mad she won't eat, she's really tired! She never misses a meal! She misses P I think, she was babbling "dadadada" a lot this morning. Normally, whomever is holding her, that's what she babbles. She's not taking to the pack and play though, between being tired, and this change in routine. Thankfully, Auntie L is coming tomorrow for at least moral support.

I don't have pictures of our first day alone together either...