Now my daughter is a waiting child. A true waiting child. She is only now truly waiting for us. A was moved to the SWI in charge of her file a few weeks ago, unbeknowst to us. Of course we didn't know...we're not allowed to know next to anything officially. She was moved on the day we were DTC, ironically enough.
My daughter was taken out of a loving stable foster home she has been in for over 5 years to live in an institution. From the accounts I've gotten, it's a good one. But she's gone from the only family she's ever known. And I didn't know. And we caused it, technically. That's a hard pill to swallow...the first real effect we've had on her life is to cause that move, and to not be aware of it.
We had hoped, with how our state had fucked around with our paperwork, that they would not move her so soon. We had hoped that we would know. We had had a guess it would happen this summer, but...well, there were a lot of hopes.
And we understand why they did it. In principal at least. They don't want her to equate us with being taken away. But...she's older than most. She is aware. She's not a 2, 3 year old who viscerally reacts and doesn't understand the connections (s)he is making. No. This is an 8.5 year old girl. A girl who was loved...oh dear gawd was she loved. A girl who was actually being prepared for the adoption by her foster mother. Scratch that - a girl who was being prepared by her mother to be adopted. That to me was the best scenario possible - a loving stable home telling her this is good and they want her to be ready...it's not always that way, but in this case, it was. But rules don't see exceptions. No matter when they did it, she knows why she was moved. And now...right now...she is sleeping in a strange bed, in a group facility, with unknown kids and unknown social mores and unknown schedules and unknown fate. That's a lot for a child of 8.5 to be going thru...for the promise from some strangers 1/2 a world away that they are going to come for her, and that it's all going to be worth it.
My daughter is 8.5. Older than most would consider adopting, and that's fine. But she's not the 13 year old that is about to age out so that China moves mountains to hand carry their paperwork thru...so how long will she languish there? We don't have LID yet. We should have it. But we don't. So how long? We made a promise to be there by the end of the year...that's 6 months. Will China and the US allow us to keep that promise? Will she really have to be there 6 months? I can't hope for the special paperwork pushing cause she's not a special case to anyone but us. And nothing paperwork wise has gone well this adoption...thank you Illinois.
What does she have with her? Was she allowed to take her cherished belongings from home? Was she allowed to take her stuffed animal we saw in the video? Was she allowed pictures of her family? Was she allowed the scrapbook of her new life and the gifts we sent her? If anything, I hope she was allowed to fill the backpack we sent her with things from her life - we have a future together, I hope she was allowed to keep her past.
And I think about her foster sibs. I really think about her foster brother. Less than a year apart, tight as can be from what we know. He's up for adoption too. No one wants an 8 year old boy it seems. I've tried to advocate for him. I'll keep advocating for him...here and everywhere.
And her foster mother. I know she loves A. I saw it when she looked straight at me thru the lens of a video camera a few months ago and spoke to my husband and I. I saw her bury it quickly under Chinese dignity, but I saw it before she could stop it from bubbling to the surface...the pain in her eyes and the rock in her throat choking her at the thought of it.
This is what it means to be a "waiting child". She is waiting for a new life to start, paddling to keep going and learn a new temporary life. "Waiting child" is a monicker normally given to all the SN kids that are waiting...it gives a warm fuzzy name to a list of kids that many Chinese feel are unadoptable. It gives many APs the belief that these kids, older to a degree, will be happy to come here, that they truly are "waiting" for us, when in reality they are not.
Yes, this is short term. Yes, in the long term, this is good for A too...for 1001 reasons why she shouldn't stay in China. And yes, we have been given more info than we thought possible at the beginning of this, and for that I am thankful every moment of every day. But for right now, until my chalkboard score is more positives than negatives, it feels like crap to be in the negative with how I've affected her life.
4 comments:
I'm crying now.....
I am praying that the paperwork moves quickly so that you can travel to bring your daughter home.
If you are DTC, I do think you can be in China in 6-months. We were DTC July 30 for DD#2, LID early August, and LOA end of September. We flew to China on New Year's Day and had DD#2 on January 4th.
Best Wishes
Reena aka Calamity 4e from RQ
There really is no "good" way for change like this to happen. You will always wonder if you've done more harm than good. On the plus side your child is old enough to understand, at least superficially, why what's happening to her is happening. It will be alright eventually, but I certainly get it. The system destroys a family for the benefit of a single child. You desperately want to do what's good and right, and in doing so you end up leaving scars on your child, and those in her foster family. I don't know the degree of your pain, but I will say that I left my daughter's province with the vivid memory of the woman who cared for her since birth clinging to a door frame screaming and crying. I did the right thing for the right reasons, but I also wantonly and consciously hurt another person. I'll carry that memory for the rest of my life and into the next. I'll include that woman in my prayers and intentions and hope that as the time passes, so will the pain.
I am so deeply sorry, there are really no words. No child deserves to lose the only stability that she knows. It would have been easier to just have her in her foster home until you came to get her. Will you be able to visit the foster parents when you travel to get her? Perhaps that goodbye with both you and her foster parents can heal some of the damage that has been done. Sending you my hugs and prayers.
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