Do I Have The Right Stuff?

I was having a weird train of thoughts the last couple of days, which have culminated in this dribbling out of my brain:

I had offhandly posted that I wouldn't want my parents to not be divorced in my little Tidbits About Me post...and that is true - they are as different as night and day. That got me to thinking back to when P and I were engaged. His parents were less than thrilled...it wasn't me - I believe it would have been anyone taking their baby away. Anyways, I digress. The point of that path was, at one point, they told P that one reason they weren't happy with the engagement was that I was more likely to get divorced because my parents were.

I really believe that it either has no effect on the chances, and if it does, it would lessen them, because I remember it, and I would want to avoid everything that went on...but anyways...

There was a value judgement there - that it is bad to be divorced. And that it's bad for the families if the parents divorce. I don't disagree, that it isn't ideal, but I don't see it as Earth-shattering, as so many people see it to be. I always had my mom, and my Dad. They weren't in the same house, but they were both there. I talked to my Dad almost every day, when I got home from school. Now, I was lucky - I had probably the most friendly divorced parents in the history of the world. They shared a lawyer. My Dad just wanted out, he wasn't going to fight. My mom doesn't fight, she keeps it in. I would have been much more miserable living with both of them, knowing about what was going on etc...

And I know all situations aren't like that.

But the 2nd half of that judgement on my in-laws part was that if we had kids, it would be bad. And that my parents were bad parents for "doing this to me."

So then my brain started going to the fact that I had to take O&E in to the vet today for their annuals. (Yes, my brain ties things together like this.) I hate it. They look so sad in their crates. They yowl in sadness. E cowers as she gets her shot, and she gets a high fever afterwards. But I do it. I'm a good cat-mommy. I climbed under the bed today to get her when the tornado sirens were going off. O had already been deposited in the basement. I came back to get her again and again, until I got her out from under the bed. The chances of the tornado hitting us are small, but I can't risk it. She has a soul like me - I "risked" my life to get her in the basement against her wishes, because it's my job.

All this rambling goes to - how will I know I'm going to be a good Mom? Do I have it in me? Is there any way to know ahead of time that I'm not going to screw up H royally? Is there a litmus test to say that I am at least not totally devoid of the qualities that will make a good parent?

By my in-laws reckoning, my Dad was a bad parent. He left me. He married again. We had our rough patches, of course, but he was there for me in more ways than most parents are...we every weekend talked during the hour to his house and the hour back to mine, one on one. He taught me about football, and threatened to put on a prom dress to try it on, cause he thought I'd look really good in it, if I wouldn't, in Marshall Fields. He taught me to sing like the Temptations, hand motions and all. He discussed world events with me for my high school essays. He took time out of every day at the company (Now my Happy Workland), in the middle of the busiest part of the day, to talk to me for 20 minutes, when I got home from school. How was he a bad Dad? He even let me work thru my anger in middle school and play the games of cancelling on him last minute because I for about 6 months thought he had been wrong "for leaving us." I've seen my inlaws on the other hand - one uncle and aunt, lived together hating each other until the kids left for college....the uncle now hasn't seen his daughter for 3 years. But, by many people's judgement, he's a better Dad than mine.

I've hoped and dreamed and planned and studied for H for more years than I can count now. I've read the books that DCFS have required, and our agency has required. I've met and become friends with adoptive parents, regular parents, been friends with people of all cultures (before the adoption - I didn't pick these people to fill this role, like our agency suggests we should do)...I've jumped thru countless hoops...but, does any of that matter?

I have common sense, a world awareness, desire, and compassion. Is that enough? Where's my final I have to take soon - something to give me a passing grade that proves I've studied enough? Where's my diploma that says I'm ready? Is there such a thing as ready?