The Different Family

Here's the question: Did any of us really think that we were really going to be looked at as different because our babes come from a far away land (or a nearby land), instead of down the mommy chute (well, my mommy chute, at least)? I clarify this question with the idea that I am not talking about race...yes, we'll be obvious once H is home. I'm speaking more fundamentally of course...H isn't here, and we still already different, not the same, don't count as much in many circles.

Girls Night was Friday night. Once a month, a group of 5-8 of us in the neighborhood get together, have a few martinins or glasses of wine, bullshit, and play stupid card games...oh, and eat our asses off. Something to absorb the alcohol, you know... :)

I think I've spoken of the 2 M's. M1 has two kids, and if you aren't a mommy, you don't count. M2 had ivf after complaining for years about not being able to have kids, but not doing anything about it. She didn't want to adopt because 1. She doesn't want to go on a plane for a day. 2. I secretly think that her hubby didn't want someone else's kid. Which is fine. Don't do it if you can't handle it. I don't understand it, but I am sooooo glad you accepted your limitations as a family.

Weeeeeellllll...M2 after all the years of not wanting to deal with it, had ivf and it was successful. She has twins. So she got that wish too. Turns out, a boy and a girl...her husband "had" to have a boy. So many discussions on gender there - but that can be for later...when I haven't posted in a few days, remind me of this, and you'll get me on my soapbox in no time.

The whole night M1 was all like "OK, you have to get this diaper bag, and this nipple, and this kind of diaper, and this kind of creme." Mind you M2 is totally overwhelmed, and has no idea what to do.

Do you think once M1 said anything to me to? No. N, another neighbor at some point leaned over to me, and said "I'm guessing October may be your month?" That was it all night. And there were some eyerolls at M1's over the top interest, especially as she has not had too much interest in M2 until the pregnancy. Mind you also, M2 didn't count until she became a mommy-trainee in M1's eyes. No kid means you aren't a real family.

But it dawned on me: There are now "real babies" coming. My friends love me, they are happy for me, but they are weary with the wait too, I'm sure. I vascilate between bringing H up, cause it keeps her spirit alive, and not mentioning her, just cause it is easier in my heart and spirit in some ways. But H is no...well, I can't "letter" them yet, as they can't agree on names...I guess "B&G" for boy and girl. She just can't compare somehow.

Now there is a pregnancy in the 'hood. There is excitement and anticipation. They can see her belly grow and listen to tales of sleepless nights. I have sleepless nights too, sometimes a lot of them, but I think it's assumed that those are less painful. Moreso, I just don't think they think I have nights like that too. It seems that many peole think this is like waiting for our new sofa to be delivered - it'll be awesome when it comes. There's no squished kidney or feet jabbing into my small intestine. But there is a hole in my heart, and sometimes I want to curl in a fetal position because of the pain, ironically enough. I think it's just that we will always be different now. Regardless of if H is Chinese, Vietnamese, Russian or Midwestern. We just aren't a "normal" family, and will never be, as I think most people really just look at us and think we are admirable for taking someone else's kid. Since the announcement of B&G, H has been forgotten. H is already "the adopted kid."

Maybe there will be excitement when she shows up. But it'll probably be around the birth of B&G, so I don't think most people will notice. Not when there are itty bitty brand new homegrown newborn toes and newborn smell to be visited.

Will H vomit on me when she is sick? Will she someday cry for me when I leave her with Grandpa to go out for our anniversary? Will I get a call when she mouths off to the teacher? Will I be the one that makes a goofy, lopsided cake for her birthday? Then how is she any different than B&G?

I just want H to count. I don't want her to be "the adopted kid." I don't want her to be overshadowed by the miracle of ivf twins. She's going to be a miracle also, after 22-24 months of waiting...I don't want her to be the charity case. She's just my daughter. And I don't want people to be less excited about her.