Nothing. Zilch. Zero.

OK, so we are headed into what will probably be the longest weekend of my life. Ever. Unless China pushes the time to referrals extra long...then next weekend will be.

Will I keep my sanity? Will I sleep? Or will I tip over Saturday from sheer exhaustion, and not wake up until Monday morning? Will I not eat from nerves, or eat myself into a sugar coma from nerves?

Why is this a secret? By all accounts, CCAA pulls out how many days they are willing to match , put those in a big pile, and then start matching kid - parent - kit - parent...so why can they not tell us what is coming? Why can't they make this process a bit less nerve-racking on the people who are going to parent their children? Hell if I know? I can't write that one off to Western vs. Eastern sensibilites...any one in any country can easily understand the stress someone feels while waiting for a child.

So...here I go again, another weekend. A couple thousand more heavy sighs.

Is It Really Going To Happen?

It looks like we're cutting it awfully close, which I kinda expected...but rumors are saying right now that we are in. I'm still letting the chickens roam uncounted here, but I'm starting to believe...

Oh Gawd...what if it doesn't happen? Oh Gawd, what if it does happen? Is there a file with a baby in it paperclipped to our file right now being signed???

Rules Of Engagement

OK, trying to distract myself from the Deafening Silence of Nothingness coming from a large country in Asia...

Did y'all see Rules of Engagement last night? Maybe they wrote this episode without the writers that are on strike...it was abysmal...the cliches! Oh my God the cliches...make it stop!!!!
1. The manly-man in the show, Jeff, of course wants a son.
2. Jeff gets all "it's not my swimmers" that caused us to not get pregnant.
3. It turns out to be Jeff's swimmers.
4. Jeff thinks when he's told to drink more water that Scotch would work, as it has water in it.
5. Jeff and wife Audrey are happy and fine, until one person asks why they haven't had kids yet...they tried for 6 months (oh, the committment), it didn't work, so they "sunk themselves into work." Or some other lame-ass excuse like that. And it takes one person asking once and they decide to change the course of their lives? They cave to the ideals of society that quickly?
6. And they go get all the tests done and completed and answers to infertility in like one 1 hour appointment. What about real life, docs not even listening till at least a year, sometimes more...and months and months of tests - heck, just waiting to get a dye test takes, what 3 weeks??
7. The young, soon to be married couple, gets in a spat about the future and when they have kids...he, raised by a hippy-ish mom who never married Dad, assumes that she will stay home with the kids. And she's not content with that idea.

Oh the cliches, the cliches...the evil, stereo-type inducing cliches.

Calgon, take me away!

My rumors are lost...

Where oh where have the rumors gone??? Not a single stinking peep, and it's the 26th of the month!!! I'm going just a shade bat-shit crazy here!

I was going to write a long post about my SW here today. But I don't have it in me. I'm weak, I'm a jiggling bowl of jello...I just want to melt into a puddle of tears while looking at the referral of Baby H....

I don't have any more righteous indignation in me right now...I'm so tired of answering the "when" question...

Gobble, Gobble...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope you have a good day, be it with family, friends, or without them - whatever makes you happier! :>)

I'm trying to stay focused on what I have to be thankful for, which is so much. I truly am blessed in life. But I'm also spoiled, so it's easy to focus on the one thing that I don't have this holiday...but I will look around the table tomorrow and see my husband, my Dad and my step-mom...and the kitties under the table, knowing that step-grandma will give them some Turkey on the sly...and I'll be thankful for the 11 years married, 2 years engaged, and the 1 year dating I've had with P so far. And thankful that my step-mom has made it thru so many medical crises over the years - we may not see eye to eye some of the time, but she makes my Dad happy. We're cool now most of the time, so that's something to be happy for. And my Dad, who for all my bitching (usually in the work arena with him), is a good Dad. He missed a lot of stuff growing up, and he's not as emotional as my psyche wants, but he's good, and we're spitting images of each other in about 80% of our personalities. And he was always there for me, even if he did miss a lot of little stuff along the way. And he's 60 now, but looks like a very healthy 50, and his mind is probably even younger than that, so I'm so thankful for that - I hope to have him here for a long, long time.

I'm thankful for all my friends, ones I've had for years, and ones that I've met thru this adoption - y'all mean so much to me, and you also can never know what your support thru this adoption has meant to me...

And, I'm trying oh so hard to be thankful that I'm finally "close" to Baby H. I know, I'm a selfish witch, but this one is hard...

So, long post when I meant a short one...when in the end all I really want to say is Happy Thanksgiving.

And cough up those referral rumors, will ya?

Ronnie Burns Died

You probably don't know who he is. Most of us don't. I didn't, till I saw his obit in the Chicago Times, in the little section where they list famous, or almost-famous people who have passed on.

He was the son of George Burns and Gracie Allen.

But that's not what I read. Here's what I read:
"He was the adoptive son of George Burns and Gracie Allen."

Huh? WTF? Why the hell does it matter? Did they love him any less because they didn't birth him? What is it the Chicago Trib's business to point this out? Does this change the fact that he's dead? No.

Do Angie and Brad love Shiloh more than Maddox, or any of their others? I doubt it. Did George and Gracie love Ronnie less? I doubt that too...What about Meg and her daughter from China? What about my friends A&A, do they look at their precious twins every morning and say "well, not a bad consolation prize"???? Hell no. They pick them up every morning and thank the heavens above and the earth below that these two souls came into their lives...no different than my other 20 friends or so who have birthed their kids.

On the RQ site, a wise man posted something that was in the back of my head, but I have never pulled to the front of my head, and even thought out all the way, but it was what was nagging me all along...he said:
His daughter was adopted. Past tense. She is not "is adopted." Adoption was an event that happened in the past, and it will affect all their lives for years to come, no different than if the kid had had any kind of various traumas in their life otherwise...that's the truth. She will always be just "my kid". Never, ever, ever, "my adopted kid".

I wish the rest of the world would just get that.

My brain is still bleeding...

Oh my, it was soooooo much more worse than I thought it could have ever been!!! Even my worst enemies would have taken pity on me....well except for the SIL - she would have been in the corner, silently giggling at me.

Here's what I learned about adoption at the twins baby shower:
1. China makes a lot of money off of adoption.
2. Everyone in this world knows someone who has adopted, and many times more than not, with dire results.
3. I'm better off getting a Chinese baby than a Russian baby. That is for many reasons, amongst the biggest:
They are smarter.
They are cuter.
The Chinese government won't give out boys, so if you want a girl, that's the place to go.
4. You don't get stretch marks or morning sickness this way.
ohhhh, and this one is the biggest and most important:
5. People who do NOT know what the fuck they are talking about tend to say it the loudest and with the most emphasis of anyone in the room. I mean really? After asking how long we've been waiting (and hearing a number in they YEARS measurement), who the hell thinks they can tell me any fucking detail about how Chinese adoption works, unless they are whipping out pics of their own cute little one that they adopted 4 months ago from Jiangxi??? Yeah...that's what I thought.

I have a dent from banging my head against a wall/table/countertop/cutesy wrapped playskool toy for the idiocy and offensive comments I heard!

And why, oh why, am I the "neighbor that is adopting" when I'm introduced? I think M2 said that phrase more than "Thanks for coming to my shower" all night. Can't I be the "neighbor that organizes girls nights" "neighbor that works for a printing company" or "neighbor that is just a little bit crazy, but we keep her around for yucks"????

OK, I'm done. I'm going to bed. I have to be up early to go to Happy Workland and train someone to make me obsolete.

Listen for the wimpering...

Shortly, I'm on my way to the Friday night shower for M2 who is having the twins. I know my 3 neighbors going with me, and her, and that's it. And, oh my gawd...the woman hosting it is her best friend, who was "adopted from some Asian country" as M2 puts it, but even though it's her best friend, she can't remember which one...and she thinks I should talk to this woman about my adoption for some reason...

Please, oh please, oh please, do not let people bring the adoption up. Please, if there is any justice in this world, it will not become the "This is my friend K, she's adopting an orphan from China" introduction all night long.

Wish me luck, and that there is a bar.

I Have a Clone...Life Has Shifted

OK, well, I'll have a clone soon. As of Monday night, we've hired a bright young guy (gawd, I sound soooo old) who is going to be a sponge from next week on, to learn everything that I have stored in my brain for the last 11 years here at Happy Workland. He will be my assistant/replacement, whatever I need. I have a peep now. I'm middle level, non-important semi-management-ish now...

He will someday be able to do everything I do, except new website development, at least for now. That's still my baby, and what I thrive on doing.

I have high hopes - he used to work here in another department, and he's a smart guy, and we worked well together before. But, the idea of teaching someone everything...well, it's daunting - and unnerving - at best!

I was driving home last Monday night after it was all agreed too...and I just felt sooooo, unhinged from the world. Like I was a seperate part that was floating away from reality. Till now, I'm the one. I'm the web goddess. Now, I will have a demi-web-god in training. I will not be The One. I currently do my job and everyone pretty much leaves me alone, and I do what I do and get it done fast, well, and efficiently. Sometimes even with a smile on my face. As of 6:15 monday night? I am no longer unique.

My work is so much of my life - friends will tell you I'm always connected. When I would have surgeries, I'd be to work, at least via computer, in a matter of days. Being childless, we have both defined a lot of our lives by what we do for The Man. We work to excel and achieve. When shoving a new site up, I'm working all hours of the day, getting it to be the best it can be. All of a sudden, I'm not the only go-to person...all of a sudden, we're planning on me...not being here...not completely gone, though on crabby days I like to daydream about it. But all of a sudden, I'm already sporting a new and important list item of "who I am" in the top 5 of that list, none-the-less...mother (to be).

All of a sudden, after 2.5 years on paper, something with this adoption has really affected my life. My life shifted Monday night. For the first time, I'm not a mommy-to-be only on paper. Life is different now. And this is just the beginning...

I'm sure my clone can handle the job...The question is: Can I?

Do You See the Month???

The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before August 31, 2006.
The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with our office before December 8, 2005.

Yes, they are finally on December 2005...

Sooooo...do I plan for/assume/hope/shoot myself in the foot and hope for referral next month...23.5 months of waiting?

Congrats to all my December 2005 peeps...

Twin Shower Shopping & Ornaments

OK, D and N and I went shopping today for the shower for the ivf twins that is next Friday night (I don't know, don't ask on that one)...so we went and got some stuff at Tar-geeeeehhht, then went and got tons of baby board books, and then went to Carters to get clothes. I was doing soooo well, all things told. Even though I couldn't help but think...oh, I want to get that for H...that would be perfect for her...oh, I like the one I picked out better etc etc etc. Keeping the emotions in check successfully and all...

Now, I admit, I'm a clothes whore when it comes to H, she has clothes. But 1/2 of what I have is hand-me-downs...the other 1/2 is 95% bought on serious discount. And as non-seasonal as I could get - no sweaters, bikinis etc - tshirts, long sleeve shirts, and pants and skirts...i.e., best chance at multi-season wear. But I'm known for having worked on getting my child set up, so to speak...So we get to the baby clothes store, and they have snowsuits outside...I go to look, just cause there was a cute color...

D says "c'mon K, you have to wait till you get H - you're driving yourself crazy, and shouldn't be buying clothes till you know about her." True, she's probably right...so I wander off, and go back to looking for sleepers for the twins. A few minutes later, D is standing there with a snowsuit off the rack, obviously for her younger son...so I jokingly say "Oh, I see someone was looking at the snowsuits, huh?" Her response: "Yes, because I have a child to wear it." Followed up with "You know what I mean..."

Yeah...

D is usually so not the one to say something like that.

Off topic - I'm looking for a nice Christmas ornament...I've been getting an ornament a year for H, and will continue to do so until H grows up, and goes off to be an adult. I though did not get one last year, cause I was just a bit pissy about the wait. Anyone seen anything totally cool and or beautiful? Any suggestions - if you see any at a store/in a catalog/on a website, can you toss me a suggestion? It can't have the year on it, cause I have an '07 one, and I have to "make up" for '06...yeah, 2nd year in, and I messed up. Thanks for any suggestions!

Stupid FIL Says What?

I can't believe P told me this...I think he wants to give me a heart attack.

Earlier this week, his father emailed him and included a link to a trip that he was interested in...it was on a very high end company...one that I WILL NOT pay for. My guess is, they were going to do that "If you spend 2 weeks with us, we'll pay the airfare part of it for Christmas", knowing them...anywho...

1. He wants to go next summer.
2. The trip is 20 days long, not counting the days of travel to Europe and back. (Ummmm...most non-doctor people can't take that kind of time off, and we've told you that!)
3. The trip, without airfare, is $7200 a person. Yes, you read that right.

Yes, airfare would be a nice chunk of change and that much money spent on a gift is "generous", but:
1. I don't like a gift that requires me to shell out 14,000+ USD
2. I've told them many times I don't want to travel with this company cause of the a. money, and b. they shelter the hell out of you, so you don't get to experience anything but a Disney-version of wherever you are
3. We are going to be parents...very very very soon! HELLO!?!?!? Have you been listening? Dense FIL says what???

Oh, yeah, that's right - we have the same conversation about the same general things every 2 weeks, cause you don't listen to squat.

Bite me, I'm making your son a father, one way or another, and if your borderline crazy wife wants to take that as an affront and another sign that he's not going to move back home and live a block away like the sis in law does, hanging on every opinion, than so be it.

I'm going home...that Wii is getting set up this weekend, so help me...

Sucktabulous!

Customer update: (I've never been so livid in my life, BTW)
Yesterday afternoon, we were finishing up the project from hell, and I'm on the phone with the programmer....mind you, every email I get from the customer, I respond to it in like, ohhhh 10 minutes (I'm not lying folks), and then he takes over an hour to respond...so I'm on the phone, working on HIS project, he calls in. D at the office tells him I'm on the phone with said programmer. He holds. He returns to D. She says "still on the phone, she'll call you back as soon as she gets off" His response: "Tell her to get her ass off the phone with *programmer* and get her ass on the phone with me." Yeah...the boss ended up calling him back and telling his what a prick he was being, in boss-speak. But it's done. I couldn't speak for a good 30 minutes I was soooo pissed, and that's saying a lot, huh?

Then, I come home, and we decided to have a Wii-tabulous evening. Hah. Hah. Hah. With all the T&Ters gone, we go to work on getting P's tv off the wall, and getting the wires in the conduit running down the wall for the Wii. Hah. Turns our I was right - I can't lift it off the wall. I barely got my end on the wall when we put it up there...ask me to lift up, from my waist up, and control? Har. But we were able to shift the damn thing. But not shift it back...

Sooooo....at 8:50pm I blow a call into dear old Dad. Poor Dad. He dealt with me all day with the customer, and then, as he's trying to eat a piece of pie, his stupid daughter calls. So Dad came over, the two of them lifted it no problem. It was just that I was defective. An hour and a half later, the tv is on the wall again, it's too late for pie, and we have *most* but not all wires behind it, so Dad's coming back this weekend, and then P will go over and help him install his Wii. (Thank Gawd he lives only 5 minutes away). But we need one more wire back there...

Sooooooo...after yesterday, I have no dignity at work, and I'm Wiiless. This is like getting a cool Christmas toy and not having batteries for it.

Oh, and TATHMFF? Yeah, they are still messing with us too...

OK, I'm done b****ing. Thanks for reading.