I'm Cranky, and I Sadly Don't Drink Coffee

From yesterday...H ended up really ill from an ear infection, so it's not as polished as I can get it, but here it is...there's some fluff, and some points that are really rolling around in my head...work, family, etc. All I know is, after yesterday, feeling H spike to 103.2 in my arms, glazed over like I've never seen her, don't ever tell me that an adoptive child is different in your heart than a bio child. I never personally questioned it, but I've never, ever felt my heart break like that.

OK, I'm downgrading my normal lyrical prose to bullets, cause I'm tired, cranky, and I don't drink coffee, so there's no way my mood's going to improve for a few hours...



Why I'm whiny:

• My inability to sleep past 4:40 this morning.


• My daughter's constant post nasal drip, that is from the illness she had before Christmas.


• My daughter's coughing fit at 4:45 this morning.


• My own inability to put the last nail in the coffin of this hideous bug we all have had. It should have at least had the kindness to make me sick enough to lose a few pounds.


• My husband's snoring, which has been getting worse, and has been added to by the death cold. Which he doesn't believe in, cause he doesn't hear it.


• My daughter's inability to be unattended (i.e. mama cook her scrambled eggs while she watches noggin) for 2 weeks now. I remember when we were "getting better" about this...


• Husband's desire to have full volume discussions in the upstairs hallway at 6:35 in the morning.


• This unending cold. Why didn't we decide to live in Miami? It'd still be out of the immediate reach of the IL's. And the snow. Oh dear Gawwwd, the snow. I've had my picturesque days...I'm done.


• I have four shelves in a cabinet in the kitchen now that the kitchenette/bar is done in the basement...empty! Empty for H's use (and additional food storage useage), but have had no time to clean them and stock them...so this morning I still almost knocked over our good bowls to get to the sippy cups. Oh yeah, and that "hey, we're really lucky people, let's use the severence money P got, seeing as we've been blessed with him getting a new job so quick."...and then blowing the budget! But we knew that was coming the moment I said the words to my husband: "Glass Tile" and "Murano Glass Shades"


• The time I've wasted on getting myself demoted down to "honored guest" at SILs wedding. I'm glad I'm out of it, but it was hours of discussions and emails (you know, don't blow up the whole family dynamic if possible - for some reason I want H to have a relationship with these whackos if she wants it) will never be gotten back. I even now dread the time spent getting H ready for this. And when I showed SIL a dress on ebay that was beautiful and very very reasonable? She said "if you want to do it cheap/used as long as H doesn't rip it off and it looks good, I don't care." Ummmm...it was new. And she insists on a plain blue sash at H's waist. I have found beautiful dresses, but most have something at the waist, to make it cute. I found a beyond amazing dress that would be made in China on ebay, 59.99 plus 39 shipping. But, it had a (god-forbid) beautiful waist detail and beautiful bow.) No, we have to put the crappy blue strip around her.


• The fact that I'm stressed about this adoption, and getting "in line". They are telling us it's going to be way faster than we thought, so why am I so antsy to hit the one-year till you can file again mark? Am I that Type A? Don't answer that, please.


• My cat's refusal to be brushed. She apparently rather puke every 3rd day.


• My indecision-ness about Happy Workland. I was all set: go one day a week, my mom watch H. Perhaps 2-1/2 days at daycare for socialization and then I work at home. I get defined hours on and off (instead of this constant monitoring the email), and money, H gets socialization, and I get time out of the house. Yeah, then mom's job description changed, and she can't commit right now - then tomorrow, she can. Then the next day, she can't. Now, customer has been really annoying the past 3 weeks. Happy Workland (for all the whining I did, it was a happy place amongst a lot of the coworkers) has been apparently sucked into an abyss of suckiness by the slowness of everything, and the need to lay off 2 people, and the laying off of my lackluster assistant human. Morale is in the tank. Now that we're working on Taiwan, and we're looking at middle of next year, do I want to get back into it for a year and a half. Cause you know there will be no way, and no desire, once I've got two crawling over my lap...


• The fact that I think middle of 2010 is "quick" for anything shows how warped China made my sense of linear time.


• The fact that I am considering forfitting a year and a half of even small amounts of pay for something a year and a half away.


• That I'm still believing that time tables quoted are what happens.


• The fact that we have to do our post-placement with our old agency, and they are going to stick us apparently with the one SW we have never met...but they won't let us use our new agency (and hand us a few hundred $ back for the non-service), because they are controlling...well...you know. Let's see, who has seen H more? The woman working with us now for the last 4 weeks, or someone I never met in 3 years? Who would give a better quality report to China?


• Both P and I forgot to do dishes last night.


• Jack's Big Music Show's producers/the guy that pushes the play button don't understand the concept of "rotation".

To temper this list of suck, here's some things that have been cool, cause in my old age, I hate the idea that I'm a cranky old hag at the age of 34...though it paid off for George Carlin. I don't think I have his ability to deliver it though...

• H has finally decided that she thinks using forks and spoons is cool. It's been a messy week her, but it's an awesome step my child has taken, especially considering how far delayed her motor skills were back in February.


• Our new SW is great. She's practical, not one of those your-adopted-kid-will-hate-you-for-1001-reasons-it's-inevitable kinda SWs. She doesn't make you do stuff 20 months before you get your kid to prove you are ready for said kid. She's nice, and talkative, and forthright.


• Our old could-care-less-about-you China agency has stopped accepting ALL IA applications apparently. I think they are going to shut down, which would suck for the people waiting. I guess the plan to push Lithuania as their next big program failed...who would have thought? In the long run, those waiting, might be better served by a handoff agency. Really, folks, they stink on the placing part. The only totally awesome person is the guy in China, who's getting screwed by this.


• Our old SW who chastized you for being high-maintenance when you held her feet to the fire for not being there to take your call...at the time she told you to call...she's retiring. A lot of people jumping ship over there, another sign the end is coming.


• H gives hugs now...real, jump in your lap and throw her weight into it hugs.


• How beautiful our new kitchenette in the basement came out, and my new Electrolux oven down there that I got...now, if I had time to bake H cookies in it. It's something every baker should have. We've added a lot of value to our house, and made a wonderful area down there.


• My husband's equally wicked sense of humor about things. When things like the SIL crop up, it could turn ugly between a lot of spouses, and I know it hurts him what they do a lot of the time. But he is able to look at the dark humor in it too. It's gotten us thru a lot together.