The Green Bean Conundrum

H hates vegetables. OK, she really doesn't. I know it, cause I watched her eat them for 5 months before she said "I am offended by this swill you are feeding me. Take this pig food away." At least that is what I think she said...the baby translator is on backorder still. She uses them as a way to assert her independence now, I suppose you could say.

So, sometimes I can get sweet potatoes in her. And green beans...if they are fried. We get them at the amazing dim sum we go to on Sundays. She used to also hork down their marinated cucumber, but not last time...sigh.

So, she loves the deep fried green beans. I get it - you could deep fry a car tire and I'd eat it too. She won't touch a "normal" green bean, though she will sometimes take 2 bites of a raw one.

The irony of this all? 1/2 the time, she eats the breading off the beans (they are cut up so she sees them anyways in there), turns the beans around, inspects them at great length, and then eats the naked fried green bean. Ergo, it looks just. like. the. regular. green. bean. slattered. in. butter.

And my family says I'm the high maintence one...

My Perfect Home - A Dream on Cable

Well, my 2nd most perfect home...do y'all watch House Hunters International ever?!?! Oh...my....Gawd...did any of you see the home down in the Cognac region? The town house in the small town? The one who's backyard was a huge hunk of green ON TOP of the city wall?!? With the view out the front of the townhouse onto the main square and the cathederal?!?

This is 2nd only to a house in Paris itself in my book. Seriously, P has to drag me away from the office windows of the real estate agents when we are in Paris. I just about passed out from envy seeing this place. And it even had a decent sized kitchen!

Third, and 4th in my book? Hummmm....I don't know what order, but I'd have to say the version of a house that my friend and I called "the rock" that we imagined we were hiding out at to avoid thinking about our pending adoptions that we imagined being in Maui...probably could never afford it, both of us paying for it in retirement, especially with the hot male massage therapists we imagined that we had hired! I've also only been to Malta once, but it was pretty sweet, so I'd say that, or Corsica, or some other Med island like that. But that would be after I saw a lot of the world, as it would be somewhat isolating.

Sometimes, it's nice to daydream!

Spiraling into a Hole of Suckiness

It's even worse than we thought...it's getting worse by the day. I've got a call into some of the higer ups that a board-mate told me to contact, as she's in her 3rd adoption with this agency.

I was going thru my emails from the agent that has since departed...July 21. Yes, over 3 months ago, she told me straight out that I needed to do nothing more, and they were waiting on Taiwan, and only a few weeks more. And to be patient, this part is hard. I heard that again the end of August. I thought maybe I had read into it that our stuff went to Taiwan. No. It's right there on my computer screen. This agency is sooooooo amazingly recommended, but this lady screwed at least me, and the people cleaning up the pieces seem disorganized at best.

NOTE TO EVERYONE ADOPTING: Keep every scrap of paper, every email, every air molecule these people send your way. Keep notes on shit they don't send you but tell you, with Dates, Names, etc. I learned from dealing with the first agency that sucked. I have every email from them, and I have every email from this adoption too. At some point, you will be screwed, it's almost guaranteed, no matter how good your agency is, or how caring they seem...the only question is to what degree. Some, it may be a misplaced USCIS doc for a day or two. Others, it might be complete lack of communication with your kids SWI when info needs to be communicated. Sadly, others are ones that will disappear in the night. Nyt is right, this is a business for these people. There's ethical business people, but a lot of them that aren't, to varying degrees.

Now, they have my letter. Now they are complaining about the font size, they want me to ask for a bigger font from my dr. I told them I would clean copy it and mail it, I will not go back to them with that request, because there is nothing wrong with it. It is as big as what I am typing now.

Now, that they have my letter, they want a letter for P's deviated septum surgery in '04. Seriously, folks...he was snoring and waking himself and I up. Fine. But why wasn't this asked before? Why isn't anyone sitting down and thinking?

I have asked the agency to go ahead and push into review for us, with the caveat this next letter is coming. I have a call in, as I said. They will either step up to the plate today and tomorrow, or we will walk away.

Live for your hearts folks, but be governed by your brains. It's the only way to survive this process.

Is There Such A Thing As A Good Agency?!?!

I'll preface this with the fact that I'm crying right now...so my grammer may not be the best...

I found out that the contact person that I was dealing with at the Taiwan agency (that left) was lying to me for almost 3 months...every three weeks when I emailed her to find out how preapproval was going? And she answered that they were just waiting?! They weren't waiting on anything. Well, they were...they were waiting on a letter that she never asked me for. So, she was just fluffing and not doing her job.

So, three months later? Jack shit has been done. The letter is being faxed over now from my doc, as of this afternoon. I had at least told myself that from what I understood, Taiwan had been reviewing our file, and had asked about this, and once they got this letter, it would be quick. No. It won't be.

I told the other lady who was being cc'd on everything, what happened, and asked that they expedite their process because of what their staff did. She said she'd put a note on it. Somehow I don't think that's going to do anything.

I wanted a good agency this time. I wanted people who didn't treat you like a 6 year old. Ones that didn't hold back info. One that stepped up to the plate and did what had to be done to advocate for us, and when we have a referral, advocate for our child. I guess it's not possible to find in the adoption world. I guess every agency out there realizes how desperate we are and see us with "sucker" written all over our foreheads. They are all out there exploiting us, it just varies by what degree with what agency.

I really question if this is something I want to do again. But, seeing as I'm crying about it, I guess my heart is telling me that yes, we have to go thru it to get Amelia and bring her home to us. I just don't know how many times my heart can shatter in a million pieces and I can piece it back together again.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Dude! Snow!

It snowed today, for about 20 minutes.

Snow. The white, cold stuff. Snow.

In October. And we don't live in North Dakota, folks!

I'm going to be bat-shit crazy by the end of this winter, aren't I?

And, I do have to say, when your kid won't nap, you start to have weird thoughts. Like, the 478th time we've watched the Bunnytown Carrot Giving Day episode (our favorite episode)...Melvin wants to give Louise his carrot-giving-day carrot. And your pre-mom mind starts thinking all sorts of bad things that that is a metaphor for...

What I Don't Want H to Become...

OK, I have posts rolling around in my head...about aspects of the China adoption community, about friends lost when a discussion could have saved it, about why we chose what we chose in respect to IA, my ongoing mother angst, all this hard stuff, I just can't bring myself to tackle...

So, I want to tell you about a girl in my local community college Mandarin class...it's mostly review for me, but at least for 2 hours a week, I'm hearing a native speaker and being forced to use it again...(I do want to tell you though, it's amazing, I swear my daughter is saying "ai ni" to me sometimes now.) This girl is the epitomy of what I don't want H to become...

First off, she lives in the next town over, and her parents must be quite well off. I consider us well off, I think we could probably describe her parents as "stinkin' wealthy"...they pull up to drop this high schooler off in an Infiniti SUV (MSRP 55,050 - I looked it up for snicks). Why is she taking this class? She wants to spend a year of school in China.

Yet, when I said my H is from Hunan, one of the more well known provinces, she asked if that was a country.

She wants to be a pilot someday. I said that it's too bad she wasn't 30 years older, cause it's not what it once was (my mother was an FA for 37 years.) She answers that it's a cyclical industry, so in 10 years, everything will be wonderful again. I tell her how some of my mother's friend's daughters that ended up as FAs too are working full time and on welfare, and every day think they are out of a job. I tell her how it's become something that no one ever thought possible. She says she'll make good money as a pilot some day. But she's never taken a lesson, or done anything to move towards this goal.

She shows up with books like "Vegans and Vegetarians in America". JessuzChrist, you have pointy canine teeth and eyes in the front of your head, child. You are a hunter. Eat a cow. Then it comes out that this is why she wants to go to China - she perceives it as a vegetarian friendly country.

She carries her expensive purse with her high end phone and IMs her friends during class, and she wears diamond studs in her ears. She has no realization of the world outside her suburb, I think she probably thinks she's slumming it by going to a non-credit community college class for this. She every week tells me to bring my daughter to class, cause she could hold her.

Oh, and about my daughter...she now also wants to adopt from China some day. I told her I don't think there will be a program by the time she's 30. I told her there will be other countries by then. She wants to do China, cause of "the girl thing."

She's one of those kids that is young and idealistic and hasn't a flipping clue about the real world. She thinks that whatever she wants, she will get, and probably has gotten that her whole life. I want my daughter to be aware of the charmed life she leads. I want her to see the world outside of hers. I don't want her to be a follower, deciding on whims that she is going to do this or that. I don't want her to be a spoiled self-centered brat.

I'm just shocked that this girl has to hitch a ride from mom in the Infiniti - I would think it would be hers already.

OK, I'm officially going to start wearing support hose with those rubber sole nurses shoes now...and chase kids off my front lawn, I guess.

Sigh...do I really want to ride this coaster again?!?

OK, I think I told y'all we were thinking about it...months ago...well, months ago, we put in for preapproval for Taiwan, cause the agency we chose (sooooo not That Agency) does preapprovals on everybody now.

Well, we've waited. We've sat. We've sent off nice emails gently asking every three weeks or so. Always got a nice, "we're still waiting" answer. Till I sent one the first week of October. Nothing. 2nd week of October, 10 days later...nada. Sent a kinda pissy one a few days ago...where did you go kinda thing...got email from different woman than I've talked to. First woman? Left. Gone. Don't know the story. I just know this woman said they were investigating and following up all preapprovals. Doesn't sound good, huh?

Well, I get an email later in the day, which I totally appreciate the promptness..."we can't find your medical letter...did we request one? Did you provide one? If not, can you get one." They want an explanation of why I had a hysterectomy (I figured they would at some point.) at the tender age of 33 years...apparently, being sick of periods when you can't reproduce isn't good enough in their book. I get it. It's not common. And it was endo, so there are no fears in my mind about my ability to parent, or their view of my ability to parent.

But, I get that people who are leaving jobs don't give a rats ass, but this is people's lives! I know we signed up for 3-4 years total. That is ok. I thought A would come home when H is 4. That was perfect (yeah, I didn't learn my lesson the first time with "planning", I know). I want to know how long Taiwan was waiting for this info. I fear I'm going to be sitting here two years down the road when they close this program, and we were "close", and we think, if only we'd pitched a fit sooner.

I can't imagine getting on this rollercoaster again. I didn't sleep well last night. We're not ready for A right now, so it's not like I'm pissed off that it won't happen next year now or anything, but I can't help but fear this has pushed us so far down the line, with how long our state takes to approve HS now, post-Hague, that we're going to be screwed with Taiwan...the writing is on the wall for Taiwan, I was hoping we'd be in the queue though before it's too late. I can't queue up for China again, no matter how much I'd like to. The Taiwan program seems like a good program, and I like that A would be ethnically Chinese like H, H would have as much a biological connection to her as she could. I know, that's ironic, as I truly believe that family is only about 5% about biology in the end, but in a white family, I think that may be important to H (and A) someday. If it isn't, then it won't be a detriment, but if it is important, then A would have that connection with her to share. So I feel a very strong urgency to get this adoption started.

And of course, I can't get a letter till sometime next week, cause you know, my doc, as great as she is, isn't waiting for me to call.

Le sigh...

Do I Have Any Constitutional Authority?

OK....Barack? To that corner...John? To that other corner. Stop. Just stop. My ears are bleeding at this point.

I declare this campaign season over. Three more weeks my ass. We know where the honorable senator from Illinois stands. We know where the honorable senator from Arizona stands. We get it. We know it all. We know what you believe in. We know your personalities. We know how well you can lie or fudge too (which, I posit, is an important skill for any politician.)

The election will be held tomorrow, and we'll be done with it.

I know it's time when I, political science major in college and general history/politics nut goes out for dinner with bff and doesn't remember about this debate, and come home to find mildly interested husband (think med-well interested on the steak scale) watching the debate. And as I do work email, he chatters away about everything said. I then do laundry folding...and I hear the TiVo backed up, multiple times, and angry, pissy comments out of said husband. Dude...even H knows the bunnies in the box can't hear her...when P starts talking to the talking heads in the tv, it's got to be over...

She e-mailed me pics...3rd Layer of Hell

Ok, craptastic-ness continues...H got up at 5 yesterday, never to go back to bed again (didn't help when P came in to tell me he was going to work...so he wouldn't be "rude" to leave...gaaaah, I love the man, but, dude...), and today? 4am. But I got her back down at 6 till 7:30, which nets out to getting up at 5:30, so slightly better...

So, the reason I'm posting?

Evil SIL, part...what are we on? My third layer of hell?

She EMAILED ME PICS of the ring. Not shitting you. And the blankie that he laid out on the beach with the pillows (do I want to know what those were for?!). Holy crap in a bucket....how narsacisstic can she be? It's not like we hang together, email next to ever...WTF?!

Funny, no pics of FBIL at all, just what she "got".

As my husband said, when I forwarded the email to him (odd, her brother doesn't get it, just the SIL that she likes to play Jones' with, apparently), "Barf".

I do feel a smidge of pity for her...well, not really, to be honest: my ILs were saying that nothing has been planned because they are too busy. Ummmm, if she was independent, she would do it with her fiance, but whatever. Why are they too busy? FIL is putting edging bricks around their beds in their yard. That's pretty craptastic, IMHO. But, they were craptastic with us, and she was on the sidelines in her cheerleader costume rah-rah'ing them on, so let her get the same. She deserves it...finally, she gets some of the same crappy treatment at their hands that we get.

Hell, I never ever even emailed her pics of the house when we bought it. And that was a really cool thing. For sure nothing her brother ever bought me. She saw my ring before P gave it to me, they were visiting, and she saw her mother drop it like a hot potato. She never said a word about it.

I'm not jumping on that "respond" button.

I Now Know What Boiling Blood Feels Like...

OK, I want to say, I had a crap week last week. Really crappy. Probably had 3 of the top 5 frustrating days ever with H, since we got home...and husband wasn't far behind. So I was crabby by friday. Period. But still, I'm thinking this is an obscene story.

The ped that she started with was the new doc in an office recommended to me. She was ok, but never laid out a plan for me to know what was coming next etc, so I started to get fed up. So I was about at my wits end, and the last time she was there (May, I believe), she said something about her urinalysis, and I said, ummmm....no, we never had one. She responded that "oh really, we always do those." Hello, you are the doc. So I quit the practice and moved to a new ped. Oh, and when I quit, it took her 5 weeks to contact me and ask me why.

So flash forward to today. I took H in to check her ear infecting on Friday. Start talking with ped#2 about the melamine that I had spoken with her about last time. Tell her I talked to FIL, who works at big fancy name-recognized clinic, who spoke with renal specialist, and he recommended: urinalysis, BUN, and crenatin (I think that's how you spell it.). So, she says, yes, I agree from the docs I've talked to..."hey, what were her original ones?!" So I say no urinalysis had been run. Then she looks at the copies of the blood work that was done. The blood work that drained my kid over multiple days. The blood work where I said I wanted everything tested. The ones where I was told that all organ function was good. I remember being told the liver was functioning well.

Ped#2 says:
"There were never liver or kidney function tests run back in March."

Yes, this fucking sad excuse for a doctor is either so inept and stupid, or a baldfaced bitch liar, and didn't do the fucking tests. So we have to do the tests now. We now with P's newer and better job have a crazy-high deductible insurance plan, so this comes all out of pocket, and dear Gawd, what if something is wrong? For 8 months I thought we had the tests that told us that H was ok.

Bitch.

They are part of a huge group of docs that keep taking over practices, oh, and yes, they still don't have an office manager that I can speak to, so I called the corporate offices (isn't that a scary term in relation to docs?), and left a message for some lady in charge of Quality Management (another scary term in relation to this.)...

So next week, poor, teething, sleep deprived H will have more stabbing and blood letting, and if I don't get answers from inept ped#1 ASAP...well, I won't stop bothering them until I get an answer. If there is something wrong, I will be in contact with a very good lawyer, and every medical board I can get to that has certified this woman.

I Shouldn't Have Looked...

Why?! Why?! Why?! Well, I know why...but that would be an "I digress" in the first line of a post...and that's too fast, for even me. I'm not that much of a posting slut.

I looked at H's college fund. The one we set up this summer. The one that I am now convinced means she will never ever afford college. Egads...30% of it is gone. Poof.

Funny, all the a**holes in power (I don't believe most of them in gov't have any hand in being able to control the economy) - the CEOs, the guys at Treasury and the Fed (the ones who said they didn't see this coming, and they feel bad for it, but now give us 250b with no oversite?! Yeah, those schmucks)...they are all going to be sitting there with fat severances (there's ways around every clause in every bill), smoking 20's rolled with dope while all of us sit here and cry still, in a year or so. You know it.

And shit on a brick - one of our accounts for retirement...the big one, is also tied into that log in I used...holy shit. We're not going to be able to retire either. I'm regretting the home improvement going on right now...

Why did I do this? Why did I look? Because The Boss aka The Dad at Happy Workland has asked for a committment, a plan for my time there next year. Yes, this happy isolation is apparently coming to an end. But, aside from wanting to see the over-3-foot crowd, I keep asking myself why? I make squat compared to P, and I'm going to be working for daycare.

Though my husband's short stint at unemployment this summer scared the crap out of me. And people tell me that kids that stay at home with their boring moms don't get socialization skills they need. And they say she'll learn stuff faster if I send her to daycare. But I'm trying to justify the economics of it, cause I just can't see doing it if they aren't there.

But then I have to ask if I should use sane-person economics, or the crazies-running-our-world-economics before I decide that, huh? Cause there'd be two totally diametrically opposed outcomes with those different models.

Throw it at me folks...should I toss my kid into daycare? Or be the one that most of my neighbors are talking about when they say "you know, a lot of stay at home moms are weird...it's the isolation that makes them batshit."

The Tell-Tale...Clock?!

H got a clock from Nyt when she came home...and it helps her sleep, I think. It sits on her top shelf, ticking away...and it's cute.

H's monitor has been a bit wonky since I dropped it about 6 feet out in the garage as I had it on the "chemicals" shelf, and knocked it off...now, said monitor is hyper-sensitive, and as of the last few weeks, picks up that clock, so it never turns off in the "noise-activated" mode.

So, I work furiously during naptime, real, paid work, and chores etc...with that freaking clock ticking at me...telling me my "me" time is short and fleeting.

Edgar, you've got nothing on me...