The scene: Family room, 12:35p, I rush into house from garage, expecting H to be asleep and P sitting there with fork and knife waiting for his lunch that I have in my hands...I'm winded and pissed off from being out in public the weekend before Christmas. I won't get into how close I came to giving an idiot soccer mom who was contributing to the 15-miles under the limit crawl on major North-South road...with her mini-van full of small, impressionable children. I still regret not doing it.
H is sitting in her pottery barn chair, hiccuping and giggling, and P is on the phone. About to wring my mother's neck, then P mouths "(sister's name)".
Bleck. T minus 23 minutes until SW shows up.
I get child ready for nap. P gets to talk to F-BIL, gets asked to stand up. Then, he says "oh, you want to talk to K?!"
Bleck. T minus 20 minutes.
We trade, child for phone. He takes her upstairs, she's of course pissed off, cause Mom is just home from errands and back in her world. I get on the phone. She "wants to tell me what the scoop is."
H is flower girl.
P is groomsman.
K? I'm the bridesmaid that isn't. She wants me to be the "flowergirl escort". Which is pussy-speak for: "I'm still pissed about not being in your wedding 12 years ago (never mind I was a bitch to you for no reason, because my mother told me to, and wasn't speaking to you at the time..due to blood, I should have been standing there, hating you marrying my brother, with an ugly look in all your pictures), but I tell my fiance that I love and adore all my family, and I can't admit I don't like you, so this is my way to make myself feel better."
She doesn't care what I find for H to wear (which is cool). I tell her that I can gently shove H down the aisle, and with Dada at the other end, she'll be cool. No. Not good enough. I have to have a bridesmaid dress, apparently, so I match my daughter, who is going to wear any ivory dress I can find.
Seriously, why do I have to pony up for a dress if I'm not getting the "glory"? And, dear Gawd, it's sleeveless. And H is going to be in ivory, so, WTF?
Tminus 15 minutes: She informs me that all her maids are tall and blond like her, and skinny, so she's having to consider my coloring (and female shaped backside) for the dress. FU.
Tminus 10 minutes, with her fiance listening in, she asks me 10 times if this is all ok. Like I have time to fight this now? Lunch in bag, now cold, child not asleep upstairs yet.
Tminus 8 minutes, she goes into the wedding being at 6:30, for a 1/2 hour, then 1/2 an hour for nothing, then an hour for drinks, then dinner...so, what? 9pm? Yeah, so my kid has to walk down the aisle during her dinner time. And we have to take her back to IL's house before dinner for bed, so we won't get to eat either. Oh yeah, this is going to be awesome. I try to explain that everyone would understand me in any nice dress, "oh look, she was a little scared, mom's with her". No. No dice.
Oh, and she expects all the family from here to come, stay at major hotel chain nearby, and hire hotel babysitters for approx. 25 children. Yeah, right. Never would we leave our kids with random people. Tell her to get one of mom's friend to play chaperone to them all at IL's house, as some are older. No, she doesn't want to be involved. But she wants everyone in town.
T minus 2 minutes, about to hang up on her. SW shows up. I answer door with phone on ear. Trying to swallow my vomit in my mouth before I say hello.
Fa-la-la-la.
At least we like our new SW and she seems to like us...Taiwan, here we come. If I don't get an arrest warrant over the Memorial Day Weekend.
At least it'll be classy...I'll be busted in heels and a "cornflower" dress at a very ritzy golf club. Though my mug shot will show my baby-lifting arms.
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