Days Like This...

Days like this get to me...first off, they choke me up just cause I love it if I can be in my lounge pjs all day. But mostly, not only do I love this time of year naturally, when I don't have to commute in it, but I associate this time with my "imaginary daughter" more than any other time of the year.

Our paperwork went to China in December. We got referral a year ago next week...we travelled to China in mid-February...all this lends itself to the memories of the wait. Add to that my Christmas-addiction, and I'm now seeing all my winter daydreams slowly coming true. I have a pic of H from 2 days ago...she's in her snow parka, and her purple snow boots, with two hoods on her head, and she's covered in snow, with this cute impish grin on her face. I remember all the snowy days where P and I said "screw it" and threw caution to the wind and sat in the house doing whatever we wanted instead of the to-do list for the weekend in the few years past and I'd find myself staring out at the trees and snow wondering about her for a few minutes...I remember looking out last winter while waiting to travel, looking at the full moon over the snow in the backyard and the ice on the wetlands one wickedly cold night...thinking of her, wondering if she would see that moon the next night.

I also had most of my surgeries in the winter. Including the big "H". I had lots of time in Feb of 07 to sit on the couch and look out the window as I healed the 6 inch scar in my belly...wondering if we'd ever be close, when she'd be here, if she was alive (she wasn't).

Now I find myself busting my hump to get the paperwork started for Taiwan. And the snows are flying again. I think I will always associate the winter with my children. The difference? Aside from finding myself not getting my undies in a bundle over every little nuance of every word in my biography, I look up from the biography to either see H fingering a Christmas ornament on the tree, or here her squeal and she looks out the window at the big flakes and hear "nnnoooowww" squeaked out. Or, I see her monitor blink a light as she turns over, sleeping and dreaming.

Nothing will take away the pain and the fears of the 2.5 years we waited for her. But I wouldn't want it to, in a way...I like seeing all my daydreams that the wait created coming true now.