Ok, first off, let's get the nasty out of the way. H went to her first "tot rock" class at the Park District today. Once they whipped out the balls and the bubbles, she was hooked. She didn't cling (hell, she never does out in public, just in our nice, beautiful, safe house!) and sorta interacted with the others. So that was cool. The instructor was syrupy sweet, as I expected, cause who else teaches these things?! So, I was shocked when I heard, as she told us to pack up:
"Well, I should ask some of you to dye your kids' hair by next week. We have so many blondes it's hard to tell them all apart!"
OK, fine. I'm down with that. Then she continued:
"Of course, we all already know who H is."
Gulp. Grrrr. Shock. Speechlessness.
Then, I think she attempted to uninsert foot. She goes on:
"Well, not that different is bad. You're a redhead, you are probably used to looking different. It's just different, not good or bad."
I'm a redhead, and I have that temper. I'm alternating between royally pissed off, and feeling bad for this chick who's probably sweating her job if I call in on this. Would she have said this if H was from Ethiopia? Or if I had a missing limb? But I'm mad, cause the redhead thing got to me. I remember feeling like shit being the strawberry shortcake of class. I hated the taunts/knicknames. And I was "with" the majority, in my whiteness.
I want to teach H to shrug it off, to be able to tell the other people to get over their inhibitions, but obviously a 17 month old can't get that yet. I mean, WTF, why teach these 12-20 monthers to look for the Asian kid?
On to other topics....
I'm feeling a bit isolated right now. OK, a lot isolated. I miss my former life, minus the not having the awesome kid part. H is firmly down to one nap, which is cool, though she's cranky at the end of each awake period, but it makes life so much easier, one naptime routine a day. But, the nap takes up the whole early afternoon (I know, I'm biting the hand that feeds me here.), and doing anything has become a giant deal. She has a short span in the morning to do anything, maybe a run to target or some such thing up the street, or a short walk. She is irritable in the a.m., so big stuff isn't a good idea. But by the time you get her up and having her 2nd lunch, it's 3pm! And dinner is at 6.
It was cold here early this week, icky wet cold. I'm starting to dread the winter. I fear that I'm going to go bonkers locked in this house. I miss seeing adults, having adult conversations, even being able to go try on some dumb-ass jeans that are cut to sit waaaaay too low so they never ever will fit me...gulp...I miss work meetings, thinking of something else other than how to teach her to rotate the triangle to fit into the shape-sorter. I feel like I'm on a gerbil wheel of sleep routines, diaper changes and reading board books. (Which I do love, just not for 6 hours a day, cause I love her snuggling into my lap.) I work while she naps, or, if that's done, do chores. I'm at the grocery store too much (we used to go once every 2 weeks, which is not possible with a child that eats an acre of fresh fruit a day, and a husband who has no skin in keeping the shopping list up to date now that he doesn't go shopping.) I feel like I've lost the identity of anything but H's mama. I love that identity. But I want it to be one of my facets, not my only one.
It doesn't help that I have a lot of friends who are doing "their own thing" right now...one is planning a wedding, one is working so hard to find a job, and I feel for her, she's hurting bad right now. A lot are also just-homes, or painfully waiting to go. Another one has family issues. Many of them this year even didn't remember my birthday. Between their major life events and my falling off the radar of daily life, I'm sitting her kinda alone.
I know this'll pass, and a lot of you out there want to bitch-slap me for my whininess. But, it's what I feel. Even though I'm not someone y'all will ever know IRL, I try to be honest.
So, go ahead, bitch-slap me back into thankfulness...I can take it.
2 comments:
Now, now...it's not all that bad...
I suggest teaching H the "tada" move. It involves jazz hands and yelling "ta da" at the top of her little voice. When pointed out as different, teach her to throw up her hands scream "tada" and revel in uniqueness. Everyone's different for something....
And the hamster wheel of motherhood? I'll trade you wheels...pre-school, early intervention, two-year old attitude, and a husband who's home ALL THE DAMN TIME!!! Did I mention he's home ALL THE DAMN TIME? Yeah, there's that....
I'm right there with ya. We have a 6 year old and honestly, I can't, JUST CAN'T play with him constantly. I love him more than life, but apparently I'm selfish & need a lot of time. Not just for myself, but to get things done that need to be done. Shop for food, pay bills, clean, cook, etc. I think I get about 2 hours a day for me, which is more than many, I'm sure.
It's natural to feel a bit resentful that this little person, who you love more than anything, has taken over your life.
I don't know if you do this already, but it really helped me when my kid was little. I still had to do laundry, shop, run errands, but I would try and include my child in the process. Have them "help" you sort laundry (You aren't getting any adult conversation at this point, but at least you can get the stuff done you need to). You can talk to her at the grocery store about what she's seeing - point out colors, shapes, smells. This will keep her entertained and you might be able to get through errands faster.
The nap thing - yeah, that's hard. There's not too much you can do to work around that one that wouldn't make your life a living h@ll.
I'm about to re-live all of this. We fly to China next week for our 15 month old.
As for the clueless, foot-in-mouth instructor...I would maybe point out to her something she should've learned in Kindergarten had she actually attended...that people don't like to be reminded they are different in any way from anyone else in their class. She shouldn't point out any differences - in hair color, skin color, race, anything. I think she was just being clueless and kept trying to dig herself out, but it still doesn't feel good.
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