The First and Second Layers of Hell

Whap. Whap. Whap. Ow.

That was me beating my head repeatedly on the table. Yes, it took 3 whaps to cause pain...I'm thick-skulled.

So, this weekend has been awesome. P has been in Vegas with the boys, and I was scared of the alone-ness of being "it" for H for 3 days. Pffft. I shouldn't have worried. She's been great. Even today when she walked into the open back door of the car, and when she later put her tooth deep into her lip. She's been awesome. We've had Grandparents and friends over, and been apple picking and to dim sum (that one was Lisa's fault)...I knew it had to come to an end.

Come, join me, in the first two rings of Hell. Dante has nothing on me...I already know I'm headed down to the 9th layer, and I'm already bending over for the clusterfuck that is headed my way.

Here's the scene: I'm feeding H. Phone rings. H freaks (why she hates the phone, I don't know), I walk over, see "(state code) cell phone" and a # on the caller ID. Figure it's the IL's, forgetting that husband is not here. Figure it's a quick "hi, yeah, he's in Vegas...oh, yeah, you want to only talk to him...he'll be back tomorrow...bye" kinda call. So I pick up...

(Evil music)

It's her. Her, her...The SIL. The one who has no day-to-day. No. No month-to-month relationship with her brother, let alone me or my daughter. She wants to tell us ourselves, so that we don't hear from someone else (Ummmm...her parents are the only option...). She's engaged. Finally. She got her Southern Gentleman. (Sad, he's a nice guy. He doesn't deserve the crazy that comes his way now.)

First, a little history...
P and I got married over a decade a go. 2 weeks after I graduated. 1 year into his grad school. SIL did not stand up in our wedding. She was at the same University as us. MIL at the time decided to play a lot of mind-fuck games with P to see if he loved her and such because Gawd-forbid, he wanted to grow up. SIL decided to get involved (see, I deal with who I'm pissed at, and stay out of it otherwise, I'm funny like that), and play games too. So P decides she will not be in our wedding. My mother howls, SIL sobs, his parents pissed, his grandmother howls, he stands his ground. She is asked to be that odd assistant position. She refuses, cries, is hurt. But, she was at school with us and still never had a relationship with us.

We've patched up, we can deal with each other, the three of us. But we still just get emails only when the holiday season is rolling around, setting us up for the end-run email...well, tell me what you want, and I'll send you a list...if you want me to. Why we gift if we don't know what the others would like (implying a non-closeness), I don't know, but it would be a can of hell with his parents if we didn't. We actually call this congeniality a huge leap forward from the trip about 6 years ago his parents wanted us all on, and she managed to not talk to me for 2 weeks.

So back to the 21st century...here's the list of annoyances from this call:

• We had to tell me it was a classy, timeless, huge, perfect ring with carat weight and everything. It's platinum too - so much better than your crappy ring, SIL.
• She tap danced around the wedding party already. I don't want to be in it, I don't care...less work and time and money for me. We aren't close...I don't expect it. I told her straight out at the beginning "do what makes you happy, and don't do anything you feel you have to."
• H is to be a flower girl of "some sort." I will be "the flower girls mommy", as she feels she won't be able to walk down the aisle alone in a year (hello, the kid can show me her shoulder at 18 months, I think she can walk a straight line sometime in '09)
• P has been un-stated as to his status
• She won't live with him before, even though she owns, and he is selling the place he shares with a relative, because she thinks...well, I don't know. But it's a slam on P and I, as his parents freaked when we lived together.
• We had to discuss every freaking cousin and if I thought they would come or not.
• She feels we should take a vacation, and leave Peanut with her (yes, the aunt that's seen her 2 days of her life). She, the one who cannot take off one day to come here for a long weekend, cause she's saving her vaca time...wants to watch her for a week. What will she do with her? Take her to work?
• She was unaware that we had started the Taiwan process. She had no idea. Apparently, my ILs didn't think this was worthy enough news to tell her. I didn't, I admit. I figured I'd send her a referral pic, but you would think they would have told her as they were just here and we discussed, as they talk to her constantly. It must not be important - they are going to get the blessed child married off, and she'll reproduce for them.

Here's where my first layer of hell is:

I spent 45 minutes of pre-bedtime doing this. And my kid did hurt herself today. And...this belongs in the list above: I was told to tell anyone "I talk to". P's family is large and nebulous...we see them maybe twice a year, and you never know who you'll see. It's more a loose confederation of people. It's not my job to tell anyone. Then, in irony, she asks me to compile a list of family addresses. Ummm...I'm not in the freaking wedding!

Then, in the 2nd level of irony to the first level of hell...she doesn't have the addresses cause she stays in no contact with these people, right? Then she bitches to me that "everyone treats her like she still lives with Mom and Dad" and she "gets 3rd hand info" because they don't think she's an adult on her own. Hello?!

• She takes every vacation with them
• She's over there (a whopping 3 minutes from her condo) all the time
• She has been overheard calling her mother "mommy" in the last few years
• If there is a group of family together, and we don't decide to go eat where she wants to eat, she pitches a fit, and starts talking only to her mother, telling her why this is unacceptable, and whining.
• After we visited, MIL sent us some pics from the visit (nice and appreciated)...SIL writes a note in the card - she can't send me her own note, or email or whatever. She has been known to give us gifts in conjunction with her parents.

In other words, she is still on the umbilical cord.

Here's my 2nd layer of hell:

She said she would like to come up and have a "meet FBIL (future Brother in law) and engagement party" for the family. So, I told her they are more than welcome to come for a few days. But, let's deconstruct her comment.

• She wants free room and board. OK, I'll give for family peace.
• She wants a ride to the other side of the city. OK, I'll suck it up.
• She prefers a party in their honor. A party that would be a bitch to plan from many states away. A party that would be most relaxing in a house. A party that she expects me to have for her, in other words.

She did not come to my wedding shower. She was given a last minute chance to come. P offered to drive 1.5 hours each way to get her there and back. She didn't take it. She did not speak to me at my wedding. She is not in our lives. I will not do this. I will fly down there and be at the wedding. I will pay for a dress and walk Peanut down the aisle. OK, skip the 10+ years of history. She did not send a single gift for H for: my shower, or her homecoming.

I know something with this whole thing is going to blow up in our faces. There will be family strife again. MIL games. Sobbing SIL, because we won't do her bidding. I know there are 7 layers more to come. I know I'll end up getting a call at some point from an IL, how it would be nice to have a party for her, how we're the closest things to sisters each of us has yada yada yada. And I know, with working as much as I do now, and having H, I don't have the time to do it, let alone the patience, and even less for the bullshit that's going to fly. But I'm going to end up sucking something up. And I'm going to feel like shit for it.

Sigh. I guess I need a glass of wine.