Oh what a morning...

This was a weird weekend on the whole. Child not napping, over napping, refusing normal food, wanting what she doesn't like etc etc etc...I don't know if she's just so thrown over our apparent lack of regard for her schedule (P home 3.5 out of 5 days last week, off yesterday, the death illness too), or those molars are working again on coming thru or what...or just girl's perogative...

So this morning, I hear a wail. A heart breaking wail. This is odd. I put the glasses on and see the clock at 5:02. Groan. Give her about a minute and a half, and can hardly sit there to listen that long...she's upset and moaning, and crying, so I go in, sending husband back to bed. She's laying in bed sobbing. So not usual for The Peanut. I think I've posted a few times about this happening during afternoon naps, but it's never happened at night before. She just doesn't seem like she's H when she wakes up with these episodes.

So I lift her out, she won't move...none of the scramble to stand - not even a thought of it. She only will be held pressed against my body, looking over my shoulder, still moaning. She doesn't seem all "there." So I walk around the room, calming her, rubbing her back. It takes about 15 minutes till she'll even curl up in my arms in the chair in her room. She was clutching at me, terrified of being seperated from me at all.

So I finally get her down into my lap, and I've got my arms around her. More time passes, and I get her to lay down in my arms, and I'm rocking her. She has that sleepy tongue sucking thing going, and I figure she's going to start to nod off. All of a sudden, she looks up at me, and starts delicately (and I've never felt a "soft" touch - didn't know she had the control yet - she's all movement, all the time, with all the gusto she can muster usually) touch and explore my face. Even her attempt to pick my nose was soft and slow. She of course pushed to get to my teeth, but she lightly touched my cheeks, lips, nose, hair. She even ignored my glasses, which are as amazing to her as a laser pointer is to my cat. And the whole time, she looked straight in my face, with some periods of a minute looking in my eyes. H hasn't avoided eye contact, but she also isn't one of those kids that will stare back, you maybe get 10 seconds at most out of her, she just doesn't seem to look at anything longer than 10 seconds! (Maybe it's an aversion, and I'm burying my head in the sand, I don't know.) Anyways, she does this for a good 20 minutes. I start at some point to smile lightly at her, and she instantly mimics me. Again, I've always seen with her a "plain" face, or an all out hysterical laugh - nothing in the middle.

Maybe it was nothing, but these episodes of abject saddness and fear make me wonder. And what happened this morning, with what I'm going to call our bonding breakthru was something I never imagined she'd do. I didn't know a human tornado moving quickly toward toddlerhood could be so delicate. Maybe she's finally figured out she's stuck with me, or maybe she's decided I'm kinda cool and she wouldn't mind keeping me...either way, she used those 2 hours this morning to feel me out on a level that I've not experienced before.

I'm tired as hell, but right now, I'm counting it as very worth it. I hope I'm right, I hope this did something for her, that she feels something new about these crazy people she's stuck with that she didn't feel before.

Reflections on Salmonella

OK, did I spell that right? Honestly...I really don't care. Sorry, not dedicated to my craft today. The last 2 days have been some of the worst of my life I think. I've had food poisoning before, but never when another totally adorable life is counting on me, cause she can't reach the cheerios...

• I vow to never ever ever get in a bar fight or anything else that will make me feel like that supposed "punched in the stomach" feeling that I had in my stomach, kidneys, head and back that I've had for the last two days.
• I understand the greatness of the dry Cheerio, as H has been trying to explain to me for weeks. I submit to your wisdom on the matter, H. I truly do.
• The worst thing about having food poisoning with a child is that they so seriously do not understand. Or they pretend not to. But they don't get super picky about what they eat when at meals, so I think they do know. (No, thankfully, H did not get it.)
• The worst of the worst is when your spouse gets it too. The theoretical question is: is it better to be the one that's really dead (and therefore get to sleep on the couch), or the one that's only mostly dead, and therefore you get to be the one to keep the child occupied and cared for?
• Toilet porcelain feels so good against your cheek at 2 in the morning.
• If you roll up the bathroom mat, it makes a totally decent pillow.
• I will never ever again say "one bout of food poisoning would get my last few pounds off to get to my target weight." in jest. I swear on a dark chocolate truffle on that one. With my right hand raised.
• I'm still not at my damn target weight. What the hell?!

So, that's been life in the InSanity Household. Husband is back at work today. I'm walking and 70% alive. The grandma is coming to help out this afternoon so I can get this house a bit back on it's feet. Have a good 3 day weekend peoples...

China & Myanmar

My heart breaks...that's all I can say...the amount of humanity, the amount of special souls that have been snuffed out by nature. The amount of devastation caused by Hurricane Nargis and the earthquake in Sichuan.

Take the time, do what you can to help...even if it isn't directly...the worst is not over by far. The natural disaster is most times just the beginning of the suffering. There will be more dead found. There will be disease. There will be starvation.

Two organizations close to my heart work in these areas: Half The Sky did amazing work with HTS and non-HTS orphanages back during the cold in China. They will I'm sure step up to the plate again to help these neediest of neediest. Also, not related to the devastion, but a wonderful organization: A Child's Right. They help provide clean water filtration systems to orphanages. This will be an issue in the coming months, moreso than it is every day. Or any organization that you think will help...

Non-Mom Mom

OK, I know I'm behind the 8-ball with this, as The Today show and the sponsor and all that have apologized...

Why am I not a "mom"? Why am I a "non-mom mom"? Or, post-apology, and "adoptive mom."?! Why is my daughter my "adopted daughter" too? Isn't she just my daughter? Or my "Chinese daughter"...WTF? So she has almond shaped eyes...you know what - she squishes up her nose and closes her eyes when she really laughs, just like her mom...what's more important?

Why does everything have to be catagorized and sliced and diced?

And really, Matt and what's her name on the show....do you really think you are better parents than us because you mixed up your kids on your own? And even the other "moms" in the non-mom category...I've seen step-moms, grandparents etc who are waaaay better parents than the person who birthed the kid.

I could bring up all the hard times we went thru to get H. But you know what, that's no different than you marking me as different because I didn't go thru labor for 14 hours. It DOESN'T MATTER how you became a parent to a kid...get over it, world. I don't want to be a quantified mom - I don't want it to be "Your the best adoptive mom." That somehow means "well, your the best at 2nd best." Somehow it's seperate and not equal.

I've got news for you: "mom" is not a title bestowed upon you...it is not a birthright of odd sorts. Mom is not "Duchess" or "Queen" or "Princess." Mom is like "Doctor", "Officer", "Judge" - it's earned, folks.

I'm mom.

Get over it. Every waitress and store clerk and person also shopping for cereal don't have to tell me "She's soooo cute" - why aren't you commenting to the 3 other white moms with white kids in the aisle? Because I'm different. But guess what? I'm not. Really, I'm not.

I'm mom. Period. My Mother's Day outing was to go out in the crappy weather to Target to get batteries for the Fisher-Price piano, cause it died, and H was not happy. That's what makes me a mom, regardless of what H looks like and where she came from.

I'm just mama.

Rethink your damn competition next year, Today/Teleflora.

One Sigh of Relief...

I made it thru seperation from my child!!! :) I had to go into work today, so awesome friend L came to stay with H. Now, of course, L is the one outside of the family that H is most comfortable with by far. We all played together for a 1/2 hour, and then I put her down for her nap and said I'd be back after lunch...

L said she woke up, and when she went in, she was ok, a bit confused, but rode with the change. Few minor crabbies, but nothing serious...some diaper changes, a lunch and lots of book reading later, mama came home to a giant grin. But, it was cool, after the initial tug on the pants for hugs before I put my stuff down, she happily went back to playing with, L and her toys and mama once I got my bag put away...no crazy clinginess like the last week or so! And, I thought I had doomed myself to a no nap kinda afternoon...but she went down and she's been out for 1.25 hours! Longer than any nap in at least 4 days. Yay! L tired her out!

And, mama didn't call till about an hour before she was going to come home. (Yeah, I know I was only gone 4 hours! What's it to you?!) I wanted to on my way to the office, but I called P instead and distracted myself.

It was a small step, but a good step, and that's way better than I could have hoped for. My mom (I know, I know, what am I thinking?), is coming Friday to watch her while I go in and P works from home. I'm going to make him work part of the day in the office upstairs so she gets some distance.

This is a good start, but, I can't tell you how my heart broke as I drove away...

Just when you forget that there's laughable stupidity...

Soooooo...P emailed SIL-from-hell yesterday for her birthday. I guess they had some polite email volleys...then she lays this one on him when he tells her that we had to fire daycare:

"When you guys come back here to (Southern State) to live, then I'll babysit H."

Ummmm....we're moving across the country? Since when? Really? I didn't notice the for sale sign that is cloaked in my front yard. And? To add to the stupidity...she's never met H! She also sent her like a 12.00 toy for her birthday in her parents' suitcase. And it's kinda lame too. It's the kind that an adult says "ohhhh, so cute", but in reality holds very very little interest for the child, except for when she watchs stupid adults trying to convince her that this is the coolest toy in the world.

Soooo...where is this coming from?!
A. Natural assumption because SIL hasn't cut the umbilical cord yet that we don't want to be so far away?
B. Her attempt to guilt us?
C. MIL either pining away again for her son to "Come Home." or because she's now a grandmother, really finding a new reason we should move there. Perhaps misreading the fact that we might visit for the first time in over 8 years as a sign?!

I don't want to live in the hot humid South. There's no jobs for P there. Ohhhh, and we have a house, the rest of the family, and all of our friends and loved ones HERE.

The Diaper Rash From Hell, Week...ummmm...at least 4

OK, so H came down with a diaper rash quite awhile ago, I know I talked about it. May have threatened to post pics...red zitty looking, in 2 areas - up front and between her poop hole and her legs, to be graphic.

I tried A&D, Desitin, Aquaphor, Lotrimin AF. I mixed, I layered, different combos etc...she finally went to the doc, and it was a confirmed yeast infection. So they gave me this compund stuff at the pharmacy that the doc perscribed called Gree's Goo. It seems to be a perscription version of what one lady on a board told me to try...hydrocortisone, lotrimin and butt creme. It cleared it up within a little over a week. I kept going for another week, per the doc. As soon as I stopped, it started. Mind you, I didn't go plain diaper, I went "down" to Desitin (original), or A&D or Aquaphor, something to still coat the tushy...

Sorry, nyt, I'm not at the point of trying cloth yet, I can't bring myself to it!!! At the doc today for her appt, they said to go three days more, then A&D covered with Desitin, and try not to disturb the A&D except for a BM when I change her. I have changed to some of the 7th generation wipes, see if that helps too. If that doesn't work, then I'll tackle the diaper brand question.

So, that's the history of the evil diaper rash...I'd like to make this post snarky and funny, but I've got something else that's cropped up this morning. When it rains...I have to mull this over in my head, I just can't cope with any more issues that involve an ob/gyn...

Oh, and a shout out to nyt and mr nyt on their new little one. We can't wait to meet her, and to s&j on their new little one too. I can't wait for y'all to travel and bring back H's newest little friends!

Licorice tea? Is it really stong? Right now I'm "prune and apples"'ing her every other day and it's keeping things moving most days...and where would I find this?

Sheer Frustration

That's all I'm feeling this weekend! Thanks for the comments and posts about daycare BTW...

• Daycare of course is eating at my brain. No two ways around that. If I don't, or I don't pull the plug on work (yeah, my Dad is being waayyyy too accomodating, he really doesn't want that), I think I'm going to fry myself trying to be super-woman, cause that for sure is not a title I can take on.
• I worked my tushy off in the house this weekend, but I'm still staring at so much to do.
• H was really out of sorts today. Lots of clear boogies, I think it's a spring cold. I'm a walking kleenex.
• H's diaper rash. I'm frustrated. It's not really there (barely raised areas, skin colored, not bothering her), but stop the most expensive butt goo in the world? Bam. Could it really be the type of diaper or some such thing? Aren't they all the same toxic mix of who knows what? This is going to be something that we're going to have to tinker with for a long long time, huh?
• H's pediatrician. Well, I should say her office. Sorry, but most office staff in docs' offices sucks. Period. I called Friday to discuss my child's butt. Have I heard back?! And it's going to be pulling teeth tomorrow, cause she technically only has a nurse appt to get 2 vaccinations.
• My yard looks like a pit. OK, it doesn't, but to me, it does. I wish I had some time to get out there. I love gardening, but going out there with a monitor on my hip, holding my breathe waiting for her to wake up isn't cutting it.
• Most adoption agencies suck. Period. What part of call me about a program do these people not understand?
• It seems like everyone else has this balancing act and motherhood thing down waaaay better than I do.

The biggest frustration?! Feeling like nothing is ever good enough. I clean house like a fiend this weekend, but it's not done. H wants more time with us, even though she's soooo not neglected. I can't get her to sleep enough, eat enough dairy, get her to not be constipated, get rid of all her various minor ailments...never enough time to give to husband, cats, friends, etc...never being able to take an hour to myself with the guilt. The work/family bond thing too - my Dad's not an emotional guy, he doesn't show a lot...how have I spent most of my "close" time with my Dad as an adult? In the office. If I quit, do I lose my relationship with my Dad? Does he not understand that I need to not work so I can wash various cloth items for my child all day, every day?

On the attempted humorous side note...I have come up with some of the most unexpected changes in our lives (I've been looking at budgets etc) with H: laundry and dishes. Do you know how many more loads I do each week, even though her clothes can all fit in 3 washerloads (we're talking everything past, present and future in her closet!)?!?! I don't know where it all comes from! And dishes?! The kid eats out of single serve containers, and one bowl per meal. But now that I'm home constantly, the once a week diswasher running is soooo not cutting it! I thank god that I don't have to go in the wetlands out back and get out the old wash board to do laundry.

And those single serve containers? Those are a God-send. Seriously, I love them. They also make my kid an ecological disaster (and I mocked the 80gallon recycling bin when they handed them out in our neighborhood a few months before she came home....har. Of course the little bins were good enough, back in our child-less days), but I love them. She is a walking ecological disaster cause of the diapers anyways, might as well make it a slam dunk.

Will I ever feel like I've got this all under control?

I've pulled the plug and screwed myself...

Sooooo, I couldn't do it. I couldn't send her there. I couldn't think of her being the one in the highchair for 50 minutes with milk all over her front. Even though that kid seemed happy flipping around the sippy cup, I just couldn't....

And the thought that one of 2 workers wouldn't engage her at all...what would happen if the other one was busy?!?!

Soooo...I can't go back to work next Wednesday. My friend L can watch her a bit, one day a week...my mom (oh gaawwwddd, that'll be blog fodder for weeks to come) has been chomping at the bit to watch her, but 1. the whole crazy religion/somehow at the same time she became religious became bigoted thing bothers me, 2. she doesn't follow my rules when I AM here with H, and 3. I don't think physically she can handle my big, big girl! I'm ok I guess if she watches her while P is home working, and he can carry her up to her room etc...

I've so screwed myself. I've committed to working nights, naps, etc...

Should I bite it and quit? To keep all our plans on track ( pay off house ahead of schedule, retirement etc), we are at the budget with P's pay. Which, I can't complain about...and then there's that whole "little sister" thing hanging out there that I want to start...HS fees etc...

But, working 10 hours a week isn't going to bring in that much cash.

I guess I've got a reprieve for a month or 2, or until I'm ragged from trying to do it all...

On the flip side, H has finally learned to crawl. She still likes to walk better than crawl, but, well, she's a pinball sometimes. She thinks she can fling herself onto the chair (or the fp piano) like she can into my arms. She learned that one the hard way...toys are made of hard plastic, girlfriend. She's gotten the cheerio into the mouth thing, and she's applying it everywhere. On the bad side, she's been holding a diaper rash off that she has expensive perscription cream for, but once you stop the cream, it starts to come back. Oh, and more shots monday...

Oh, and the giggle. Nothing melts my heart like the hysterical giggle. I wish you could hear it!

Sooooo.....anyone want to be my nanny? Maybe the guy from Moonlight when they aren't filming?!