So, I had told myself that H going to daycare was going to be good. I vindicated myself and proved it to myself based on the first visit to daycare. She was intriqued, reserved, but curious. No tears, checked out this new world. I thought once she went to daycare, it'd be all sunshine and rainbows...a rainbow of happiness would arc over the Peanut House. The birds would chirp, the sun would shine. H would be getting out in the world, seeing babies. Mama would be seeing adults, sanity would come to the house, and somehow the housework would get done. I justified my spending 60% of my take home pay on her learning and growing in better hands than mine, stupid first time mama that I was, at least on 3 days a week.
Oh. Dear. Gawd. Today was horrendous.
I took her to daycare to visit again. She was clutching me the whole time. She wouldn't not touch me no matter what she did. I tried to put her in the chair table to eat a fabulous cookie. Sobbing. Sobbing so much that no sound came out and spit cookie fell down her chin and down her outfit. Hysterical. I even tried the "when she sees me, of course she's mad" logic and took to leaving her for 2-3 minutes. The one woman sat there and talked to her, but I could hear her all the way down the hall.
I have never ever seen my daughter so unconsolable. You could tell she was looking around and saying "What the hell did I do to deserve to go back to the orphanage?" Even at home, she clutched to me when I went to put her down for her nap.
Can I do this? I know the arguments for it. Can I break the bonding that we have gotten, for so little money? I'm seriously considering not, forfitting the cash in the DCA account, and staying with my little girl. I find I don't care about the stupidity of the office. I never ever thought I'd be a stay at home mom...but should I for a year or so? Would I be breaking my father's trust, letting down my coworkers of 12 years that I didn't fess up to this before?
I don't know what to do. I'm just sick of crying about this every day...
2 comments:
What's to decide? Stay home.
Are you able to stay home for another two months and then see if you and H are ready to try daycare again? More time for her to bond and feel secure. More time to explain "mommy always comes back". Definitely no easy answers.
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