So, we've got our tickets...the countdown has begun. And because of P's last business trip to Singapore in December, and his elite status as a 1k person now, we get to fly out business class, and come back in economy plus. Which totally rocks.
Yesterday was a flurry of activity, as we got approval to book, and the chase for tickets started. P was on the phone with special people, and I was on line, and we were emailing back and forth. It was like hitting a brick wall when he emailed me the confirmations...BAM! It was all done. All this unknown for the past 2.5 years is done. Like that. Poof. I'm not really a waiting parent anymore. I guess I'm in limbo right now, actually - a Packing Parent. But, a piece of our identity was stripped away with that one purchase of a plane ticket. And a new superhero costume is waiting for us...
I was so happy all afternoon. It felt like a relief. And it is....
I got in the car to come home a bit late, and the driving sucked cause the weather has been soooo snowy lately. So I'm sitting at a light to turn, being actually super careful with the right turn on red thing, sitting longer than normal, and the thought flashed thru my head: You are going to go get Baby H. And I just started sobbing. Not sad sobbing, for sure. I don't know if it was happy sobbing either. It was just a release. All the angst, fear (and I'll have some of that until we're on the plane headed home), worry and unknowns that have been piled on my shoulders and my heart...all that crap that I couldn't admit was there for the fear of it breaking me down...I could acknowledge that it was there. That it had been there. I don't feel it's gone, but I don't feel it's there either.
I think it's going to be like our latest snowstorm...digging out is going to be slow, in reality, to heal the pain that I have felt the last 4 years or so. The infertility, the ever lengthening wait for H, all of it...you can't drop it over night. There's no way. My mother would chastize me that it should all be gone and I should be handing daisys out on the street corner now, but that's not reality. I can't even realize how happy I am that I'm going to go get my beautiful baby girl, there's no way for me to even understand how blessed I am with my daughter. But, I don't think that I can just "forget" the last 4 years. It will always be part of me. And oddly, that's not all bad. It's made me who I am...someone who I think is more fearless, stronger, and more mature than I was 4 years ago. I've aged too, you can see it in my eyes, but the jury is still out on if it is bad or not. I still can't believe that I've lived this role for 2.5 years, as a waiting adoptive parent, and 4 years as a hopeful parent. I can't believe how time has passed.
I don't see the same person in the mirror from when we first started this. Not at all. My tears seem to have washed away any worries about what I have become in this transformation...
It felt damn good.
3 comments:
Congratulations to you both.
It must seem surreal that you're finally getting your little girl. I think I'll probably feel the same way as I'm crying just reading your post.
How exciting!
Are you traveling in Feb? Hey! I seem to recall I said I had a feeling it would be Feb travel for you. Was I right? Regardless, congrats. I am thrilled the fun part of your journey begins now!
K-I am glad you are finally releasing some of the pain and you can begin to see yourself in your new role. No one deserves this more than you do. Can't wait to see you in your new super hero costume!
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