Back in the skinny days...

I've been rolling something around in my subconscious mind for awhile here, and, in an effort to stem the quick flow of the tide that is making this a mommy blog, I want to throw this out there for us all to chew on for awhile...and hear how I must be crazy...

I had a friend in High School...she was 2 years younger than me, which was odd - I usually hung out with the kids a year older than me. She was in band, and I don't even remember exactly how I met her...she somehow ended up "in the group." We got to be best friends, and stayed that way when I went to college, and then still when she went to college. I had her in my wedding, 2 weeks after I graduated college. She had her "newish" boyfriend as her date at that time...we'll call her R and him B. He sometimes annoyed me with his childishness and his possessiveness. But we got along in the beginning.

So things move on, we're doing the newlywed thing, and they are finishing up college. We're still very good friends. But it's getting strained. B is really possessive and controlling. Not in an evil way. In a hissy fit kinda way. I remember one time, we headed up to the state fair the next state up (why we thought this would be fun, I don't know). On the way back home, her and I are talking about what we had planned for a few nights later. B throws a whining fit..."You know I wanted to see (some movie), I told (some friend) that I couldn't go bowling that night cause I was going to go see the movie with you." At this point, she still had some spine left, and asked if he had told her. No. He had "assumed." But then she capitulated, and cancelled plans with me the next night via phone, because B was really upset.

I wasn't totally shocked by this. Her parents were very controlling in a co-dependent kinda way. Nice. But controlling. The "If you don't drop everything and come home and help us repaint the foyer, we won't kick in the 2k we were going to pay into your wedding." kinda way.

It kept getting worse and worse. Then, she had an offer of a great job back here in the big city after graduation. She took it. He was now over in IN, for grad school. She lasted there about 4 months. He whined, called and begged etc for her to come live with him. She said no until they got married. I was shocked. That was the old R. Then, of course, the ring came. She jumped as high as he asked her to. All that money she made at the new snazy job? She used it to pay for the wedding, and then some. She took a job at 70% salary there, and "lost" everything for the wedding, cause he didn't have squat.

We're still talking at this point, but we've lost the "friends forever, sisters born into different families, thing."

This hobbles on for a few years, and they move to Indy and buy a house. Since a Christmas party of ours between a year and some months before where he acted like a real ass because he didn't want to be there, we'd become "acquaintances" again. That was it. Every statement started with "B wants to..." No independent thought, and somehow whenever we planned something, B threw down his toy and stomped his foot and wanted attention, and he got it. Her parents had taught her well.

So, we had been in this house for about a year, and they were moving into theirs and that was the last we spoke. Nothing big, just one of those "one never answered the others email again and the other never bothered" kinda endings. Which in and of itself to me is kinda a sad ending.

I was done. I was mad. I was hurt, so I didn't care. About 2 years later, we got a "3rd (5th?) anniversary" or something letter recaping their marriage. Whatever. I laughed. Then a year later, a birth announcement. Mind you, she obviously has my address, and therefore my phone. My email did change, but she knows where I work too. The birth announcement kinda irked me...we were trying, and what the hell? She doesn't speak to me but sends me this crap? Why do I have to ooh and ahh over her life achievements. I notice a new address on the envelope. So again, the last 2 years go by.

This Christmas, we get a Christmas letter from her. Showing her and B and the pets and the daughter and the new-ish son.

What the fuck? I'm tempted in turns to:
1. Ignore any future mailings without opening.
2. Send her a polite "here's our daughter" hope life is good for you too civil letter.
3. Send her a "why do you keep dragging up this dead friendship" letter.
4. Laugh that her husband still looks like the little whiner she married all those years ago. This to me is an a la carte option that I think goes with all of the above.

Yeah, go ahead, point out that I'm still hurt. Of course I am, she was my "bestest" friend back in the day. We did everything together. And she chose a screw over that. She didn't understand that you have to have a life other than your spouse too...you have to have friends and outside interests etc...something to allow you to still be yourself, and something that lets you bring things back into the marriage. I can't believe she's re-found herself under his thumb, and we can't have anything in common at this point, but a long dead history. But it bugs me. If she had had the ability to enrich herself instead of destroy herself with what marriage does to you, she could have been an even more amazing person. But I highly suspect she's just "B's wife" still, and the only other thing she has in her is "B's kids' mom". Which is her right, no matter how sad it is in my mind. So why do I have to keep getting pulled in to see what she has become? What is she looking for? I get these almost on a regular, though infrequent basis...what does she want from me?

And why can't I throw this stinkin' letter out that I've had in my work bag since Christmas? It just rattles around the bottom, getting mashed. I don't look at it, I see it's getting banged up by work files - the envelope is all mushed. But I don't just reach in and toss it. Am I that much of a nostalgic fool?

OK, The Mastercard Melted at 2:38p & ER Visits

What a week it has been this week. I can't believe I've actually gotten something done with the adoption. I took today off with my awesome friend L (who had my shower a few weeks ago) and we went with agency list in hand and starting working to kick this getting-ready into high-gear....she got to the house at 9:30a and we parted ways down by her house, 30 minutes away, at 4:30. We have meds, meds and more meds. We have funnels, and clothes, and tights and changing pads and nanny gifts and gerber puffs and socks and nuks and dishwashing detergent, and gifts for our translator and thermometers and travel tp and the list goes on and on and on. Oh, and then I came home and made dinner for the friend who gave birth to twins...

Paul and I had done this for a few hours on Saturday, but he an I together, with weekend crowds could have never ever accomplished this (not to mention our inability to see eye to eye on this kind of shopping!)! And we even met up with D, L's husband for lunch!

It felt good to get something accomplished! Something I had control over...but it's short-lived.

It's been a stressful week here in (In)Sanity house...a family member died the middle of last week. No one really close to us, extended family, but you know how it goes. Chaos ripples thru the family. Then we got to a crazy weekend. OK, made it thru, things in the fam started to cool down. I'm at work yesterday, just getting off the phone with P. I hear my coworker say on the phone "OK, R, I'll get K for you - I'll find her." R=stepmom. This is odd. This is highly unusual. No good will come of this. Father is out of town skiing....here's what ensues:

R: Hi K, I don't have anyone else to call.
Me: Uh, ok. What's up? Are you ok? You sound out of breath. Are you in a high-speed police chase? (I know, not smart to be me at this point probably.)
R: I'm at "doc's office". I've been having problems since my sinus infection so I came back.
(Note, R has major health issues - Crohn's, RA, all kinds of nasty stuff, medical miracle kinda woman)
Me: So, what's up...
R: They felt the pain in my chest wasn't from my asthma, and I'm so tired, so they ran an EKG. They want me to go to the e.r., and they don't want me to drive. I have the dogs in the car too.
Me: OK, where are you?
R: You know it's snowing, right?
Me: Yeah. Where are you?
R: "address". I'll wait for you.
Me: OK. Be there soon.
Me: clamping laptop shut...I'm outta here guys. Got to take R to the ER.

Try to call P. Get voice mail. As I'm leaving message, R calls back on cell.

R: I'm going home.
Me: Huh?
R: I'm going home. I don't want the dogs to have to go sit in the car.
Me: Ummmm...that's a 15 minute drive. It's snowing. You have a resting heart rate in the 40s and can't breathe.
R: I'll be fine. meet me at the house. You can take me from there.
Me: Uh, ok. I really don't think this is a good idea...
R: I'll be fine. See you there.

So, off I speed. I get there. I get 20 minutes of "how to feed dogs and cats" directions. I get told to NOT TELL MY FATHER.

Then I have to talk her out of her idea of me FOLLOWING HER TO THE ER...defeats the point of the "oxygen-rich one" driving, IMHO.

Get her there, they find nothing after 5 hours of tests, some stuff for her to deal with her doctor on....CT scans, funky blood workups etc....so I got her home at 9pm.

Me: Want me to stay with you?
R: No, I'm fine. Go home.
Me: Call me tomorrow a.m.
R: OK.

So, I'm out and about with L....hummmm...past lunch, no call. I call her, no answer. I wait 45 minutes. Hear nothing. Getting panicked. Call her cell. She picks up.

R: I'll have to call you back.
Me: Ummmm...are you ok? Are you vertical?
R: Yes, I'm at the bankers office doing stuff.
Me: Ummm...do you have chest pain still?
R: Yes.
Me: Did you eat?
R: Still not hungry.
Me: Breathing?
R: Only sorta painful. I'll call you back.

So she goes to the bank for an appointment. Yes. She holds her chest it hurts so bad. But she goes to manage money.

That was at about 3pm.

It's 10:03p. No call back.

My ass is so grass somehow. I just don't know how this is going to go down yet. My guess too? Dad doesn't know yet...she says "not until I know something, why bother him?"

As long as I don't talk to him for anything (yeah, hello, we work together), I'm not *technically* lying to him. Right?!

Somehow, getting baby shampoo and butt wipes and cereal bars for the trip isn't making me feel very useful right now...

I didn't get arrested, and I kept my mouth shut.

Sooooo....post-adoption-travel-meeting where they spent approximately 2.5 hours of the allotted 4 reminding us that:

• Don't drink the water. Water will make you sick.
• Me, wonderful SW who doesn't return calls? I've been to Chinas 40-some times.
• China is a different country.
• China will not look, smell or sound like the US.
• You can't speak freely in China.
• Don't ask embarrasing questions.
• Don't assume you can take pics of everything.
• 10 years ago, they were paranoid about you asking about politics etc...
• We'll try to help you find American food.
• I get to meet with bigwigs in China, cause I'm an important adoption guy.
• Me, adoption SW guy, I've been there a lot of times. I've tried dog.
• Really, I'm most important. We have to go to Beijing first, cause I'm someone that they have to meet with.
• Hey did we tell you that China isn't like the US.
• Oh yeah, don't drink the water.
• They respect us cause we're such a good agency.
• Me, adoption SW guy, I've been to China alot. I have a lot of stories meant to scare the crap out of the few of you that haven't been to China.
• Don't drink the water. Really, it'll get you sick.
• Bring craploads of money.
• If you don't take the tour, we won't make you pay for it (even though we made your friend who was in Fujian pay for group dinners in Hunan with the rest of the group a little over a year ago, cause they were "group rate"), so I don't believe that.

Then there was the important part...the part they did in less than 45 minutes, but still interjected the beating-you-over-the-head with the obvious...

• Oh, and also, there's a lot of potential medical issues, here's a confusing chart of what you should bring medicine-wise for both you and baby, and we've mixed them together for ease-of-confusion.
• Oh, crap, I've blathered on about the China-not-being the US (like you did at Part 1 of the travel meeting a year ago, for 4 hours), so now we're late, and we, SWs want to go home cause it's late, never mind we scheduled this thing to end really late on a Friday night as it is...
• We've agreed to let siblings come, and we've changed the policy, but we're going to spend 30 minutes telling everyone that we think this is a really really bad policy, and I'm head of the program, but apparently, someone else makes decisions for my program.
• Oh, yeah, there might be a bunch of issues with sensory stuff, grieving etc, but because I talked about myself so much I'm going to totally gloss over this stuff, point at the power point page on the wall in 30 seconds or less per page...
• Now, get out, I want to go home.
• Oh, and remember, you might have to not get Cheerios for a few weeks. But if you need them, pack them, and the whole group will have to shoulder the over-weight charges.
• Oh, and don't drink the damn water.
• Lastly, all the "specific to your group stuff"? Well, they can't tell us any of that, cause they don't know squat yet, cause they just sent our acceptances not even a week ago! Soooo...nothing specific to us, except that we are all stupid compared to the SW when it comes to anything pertaining to travel, China, or air travel.

I avoided head-of-program/non-returner of emails/master traveller of China dude and did not speak to him all night. I wasn't going to be able to hold my sarcasm, and it wasn't going to get my anywhere, so I just didn't go there.

Even when they were telling us to buy clothes based on updated medical reports (which, if they hadn't shipped our translations to a translator who wasn't out of the country, and they therefore sat there for a week unopened, we would maybe actually have the new reports)...you know, at 6 months, H was 50% for weight, and if she's 50% for weight in the updated, then find out what 50% is for 11 months, and buy based on that...which we can't do, because we still aren't even close to that, because they are too busy setting up schmmoooze meetings with someone in Beijing. Even then, I just buttoned my lip and didn't say what I wanted to say. I was a good girl.

I didn't say anything when he said "Don't worry ladies, we'll make sure there's plenty of time for you to shop." "Sometimes, the Moms get hurt when the baby may decide to bond to Dad first. It'll happen, it's hard for the Mom's though. They've had an image in their head." Bite me dude - do I look like a feeble minded June Cleaver to you? Did you ever think that P might be hurt if she rejects him, even with all that testosterone in his veins? Did you ever think that P is the one I have to cutoff buying stuff on trips? (I'm a collector of all things pretty too, don't get me wrong!) Nothing like a healthy dash of sexism thrown in thruout the meeting!

I just have to get thru, what 60-90 days or so, and then I'm done with these people?!

Remember, don't drink the water...

False Alarm

Forget it, my agency isn't doing anything good. Though our stuff is on it's way to China. That's it. I'll give them 2 gold stars, cause that's a big one.

I was told yesterday that I had 2 missing documents from the pile that they had me sign when we got H's referral. Inferred that I had "mistakenly taken" them when we left our SW's office.

I found one in the folder she had given me. So I email the paper - organizing lady today, and say I have one of the 2. She emails back that there are actually 5 pieces missing.

5

Most of what we seemed to have signed that day.

Hummmmm....I'm the one in the group holding their feet to the fire. I'm the one involving higher-ups about the troubles I've had. And now my documents start to get lost in a 20 ft walk between one office and another?!

Trying to not go all Oliver Stone/conspiracy nutjob here, but it makes you wonder...

Finally

Our acceptances of the babies in our travel group FINALLY went back to China yesterday. Yes, 4.5 weeks after we got our referrals. But they are finally out of our agency's hands. They "hope" to get TA before CNY.

And, a snowball did survive in hell yesterday...I did get an email back...twice...from the Non-Communicative Program Director. I had a grabber after getting the response. They were only one line, but each one actually answered a question! I hope that this is a change of events for the better, but I'm not holding my breath.

After the slowness of acceptances, they are hoping to travel shortly after CNY. Again, hoping a little bit, cause, well, I want my daughter...not holding my breath though.

Oh, and they have told us that we can actually get our passports back after they get the visas...they like to hold onto them until travel, cause we can't be trusted to not lose them apparently. Funny...I can raise a child, but I can't be trusted with the little blue book I've carried 3/4 of the way around the world. P travels for business sometimes, as do others in the group, and they've basically said "we'll let you have them, but we're pretty sure one of you will lose it."

Countdown until The Meeting:
2 Days, 2.5 hours

Can't wait...

It's a Farce!

OK, so my husband has taken up "the cause" cause I was going to pop a blood vessel. My SW and the program director will NOT call back, though repeatedly asked to, but she has taken to emailing me back...sometimes. I've got a response rate of about 1:4.

We have been told to update our prints. They expire mid-March 08. Yes, we got referral one month, one day ago, and though they are saying it is "to be safe", they are telling us to get reprinted. Which means there is a chance we will not have been to the consulate by roughly 3 months, 2 weeks after we got referral.

Can we say incompetant?!

So, P has taken to the emailing. Leaving me blissfully in the dark. Last week, I was told answers from the Program Director via SW, cause even though she told me that he would have to make decisions, he wouldn't talk to us.

So, today P gets "read receipts" on his crackberry that's not a crackberry from said Program Director from emails from mid-last week. Yes, he had a client that was screaming, hopping mad, wanting answers about her daughter, and he didn't even have the decency to read what we wanted.

So, this....errrr....gentleman "ruled" on our requests and questions without ever reading the damn emails.

I'm "this" close to paying lawyers to find loopholes in my contract so I can sue their asses.

I'll post up about my shower later today hopefully...it's a busy day again here in Happy Workland, and my new clone took the day off, but didn't tell HR. Hummmm....I'll have to be here early tomorrow to see how that goes down.

Here's the official countdown:
4 days, 6.5 hours
Till the Travel Meeting at Crappy Uncaring Agency's (CUA from now on) offices.

I've been told to pocket a video camera so that friends can see Program Director's face when P and I walk in. But, no, I want that satisfaction all to my own. Sadly, I don't think he'll give a rats ass. Sadly, SW will not be there.

Can't wait.

Helplessness

I think the most painful and horrible emotion to feel is helplessness. It conjurs up all kinds of other emotions that cause this bubbling mess of confusion, fear, worry, and stress that you just don't know what to do with. The instinct of "fight or flight" somehow kicks in, and both sides of that instinct kick in too.

Our agency has been uncommunicative for over a week now. I can't get them to contact us back. Most of the staff has decided that it would be an excellent time to take anywhere from a week to three weeks off. The ones there? Won't call back.

All we know is that acceptances have not gone back to China yet.

I have friends in other travel groups. Ones that have gotten scared and worried after seeing what our travel group went thru trying to get referrals...to get our children's files. Some of them have emailed my agency, asking what happened, how this happened, and is this their SOP. Those people, the ones not "really" affected by the outrageous happenings, have gotten responses. As far as I know, only one family in the travel group was even given a hint of what happened. My friend in the next group up, she got a long flowing email about how this isn't how they work, outside circumstances caused these issues (ummmm....from what I've gathered, they didn't call to make sure the translator was in the country, and the box of referrals was sitting there with no one to translate), they weren't at fault, and they are working to put processes in place so that it doesn't happen again.

Funny, something else "outside their control" happened when my agency took 2 weeks to translate my nieces' referrals over a year ago, and they put controls in place back then too.

Ummmmm...I think 2 phone calls would be all the controls needed. And one required ETA date.

Our fingerprints expire mid-March. We don't know if we are going to travel by then. I don't know if I have to renew them, or not. I don't know if we can get them done in that amount of time. I don't know if we have to...

I don't know when acceptances are going back.
I don't know when I'll meet my daughter. My perfect, beautiful daughter.
I don't know why they won't call back.
I don't know if we need to be refingerprinted.
I don't know why our agency can't tell us, the people screwed, what happened.
I don't know why we can't get an apology.
I don't know why they don't seem to make any initiative to make us a family.
I don't know why I have to fight for my daughter, for every piece - scrap - of information.
I don't know why they don't care.
I don't know what CCAA thinks when they see our "unclaimed" referrals lying on someone's desk.

I do know that she's not unwanted. She's the most wanted child I could ever imagine. I don't want them to think that.

I don't know what to do.