Saturday, February 4, 2012

How Could They Leave Me?

Peanut has brought up her birthparents off and on for the past 6 months. She usually says she misses her "foster parents"...Big Girl had foster parents, so that is what she thinks is in China. We have been explaining to her that she had a nanny in the SWI, and a birth mom and a birth dad.

She's expressed before that she misses them. And it hasn't gone much further than that.

Last night, she wasn't feeling great, and was out of sorts at dinner. For some reason, out of the blue, she brought up foster parents again, so we got into the discussion. We were having the normal discussion...you had a birth mom and dad, for some reason which we don't know why they couldn't take care of ANY kid...you know, the whole thing.

It was all going ok. We were good...having a good discussion. We were talking about the differences between the two girls' stories etc. All good open honest age appropriate discussion all around.

All of a sudden, Peanut starts to SOB. Big, giant, chest heaving sobs. I reach over to her and rub her arm, and ask what is wrong...what is she thinking about?

She heaves about 3-4 more giant sobs. Then stops. Dead. She meets my eyes in the strongest beautiful chocolate colored stare I've ever gotten from her:
"But...but...but...Mama...they LEFT me! They left me ALONE. I was a baby. Babies aren't supposed to be alone."
And then as she didn't move, and the biggest, roundest tears I have ever seen came rolling (even worse) silently out of her eyes as she just stared at me with knit eyebrows. For about a minute, but it felt like an eternity. Pure unadulterated pain was etched across her face.

Then the sobs racked her body again and she collapsed into a puddle of sorrow.

_______________________________
I've read the books. I've read the adoption boards. I've talked to older adoptees, and talked to friends about their kids when they hit these realizations.

And I can attest straight out that NOTHING...absolutely nothing in this world, can prepare you for the moment you see your child realize that they were abandoned helpless and alone. For that moment that they realize that their birth parents, for whatever reason, were not able (or didn't want to) make whatever sacrifice that would keep their babies with them. The realization that an adult...worse...their parent...failed them. Even if the parent couldn't help it...and these days I believe that more and more cases the parents could have done something to alleviate it, to our children, the parents failed them. They left them, helpless.

Gawd, what a horrible feeling for anyone to shoulder...and for a 4.75 year old to have that knowledge? To extrapoloate that themselves? No child should ever have to go thru that.

She was much more vigilant today at our CNY playgroup celebration. A lot more calls for us to both be within close proximity to the arts table or such.

Peanut's heart seemed to die a little bit last night.

So did mine.

7 comments:

Anita said...

Tears in my eyes, just reading this......

Lynette said...

I have no words, save these, God bless you and Peanut. <3

Power to the Merlins said...

you are such a beautiful and wonderful person. Peanut is the luckiest in the world. bless both of your hearts.

Suzie said...

Oh how hard. My goodness I just don't even know what to say.

My girls from China are almost 7 and neither seems to have really internalized things yet. It's all so matter of fact right now...

I'm scared. Thanks for posting.

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Elizabeth Johnson said...

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