A few days ago, my mom came over and watched the girls while we got some work done around the house. She brought pork chops with her, and asked if husband would bbq them for dinner for all of us. Sure. All is good.
Big Girl likes fat. It's a delicacy in China. When we had country ribs, she picked the fat off my plate and smacked her lips as she ate it. Gives me the heebies, but, hey, that's ok. Now, I do want to temper it, cause it's not the healthiest habit, and she's eating a LOT more meat than she ever had in China. Anyways, she tried to scam everyone's fat from the edge of the chops...my mom instantly, in her tactful, kind hearted way kinda squealed "Ewwww...you don't eat THAT...at least here you don't."
I should have let Big Girl have my fat. Just mine. But I didn't. I was tired from working all day, and I hopped on the bandwagon. "No, Babe, not tonight, it's not good for you." "But it's yummmm." "It's not good for your heart." She was disappointed.
I'm mad at myself. I want to teach the girls moderation - something I wasn't taught as a kid. My mom was the kind that would not allow herself any chocolate for a month, then take down a whole bag of M&Ms in a day and a half because she had deprived herself. Like, it's ok to have a piece of chocolate. Not ok to take down a bag of them. It's ok to have a glass of wine or two...not ok to routinely take down a case of beer by yourself. etc etc etc
And I'm mad at myself for a bigger reason too...this is how she was raised. This is what her tastes and inclinations have been formed as...and who am I to say "no...ick."???
And this goes to a bigger issue I'm seeing more and more as older kids are being adopted more and more...this belief that we should make them conform to our desires, mores, and wants. I've seen things on blogs that turn my stomach...a man who shattered an amulet from a beloved caretaker in China (no, throwing it out wasn't good enough even) because it wasn't part of his religion...people talking smack about the horrible country these kids come from, people changing habits that don't need to be changed asap, to suit the family's life asap.
Here's the thing about adopting older: I see too often posts on boards that go like this:
My husband and I believe in (insert here - religion, non religion, vegetarianism, the world is flat, that vampires exist...whatever) and we want to adopt an older kid, but husband is worried that the kid won't take to our weekly honoring of the Eggplant God in our Family Room.
See, this is reversed messed up thinking...
WE, as prospective parents, have to be preparing ourselves now for how we'll cope with the kid not wanting to give up their fat, or not go to church or being a die-hard Communist. We have to prepare to change...not figure out how to change their minds!
If you are religious, realize your kid may not believe what you believe. In fact, these kids may have been raised in another religion and be devout. I should have taught Big Girl about moderation with the fat, instead of forbidding it. Or if your kid loves to shower at night instead of the morning, then, what's the harm? Or what if your kid has no interest in a college education, but wants to be an electrician...even though 4 generations of your family has become doctors. Or...what if you are a devout pacifist, and your new child aspires to join the military? It may not be how you would do it. But that's not the point...
Ask YOURSELF instead: How will I feel if she insists on eating meat that's been slaughtered against my wishes. How will I feel if she doesn't take on my religious beliefs. What is she takes on a different religions beliefs? How will I feel if she thinks Communism is The Bomb? How will I accomodate HER? How will I not strip her of all the things that she feels makes up who she is?
You may not want the little palm sized Buddha, or the amulet from the caretaker...but your kid might. It might mean something non-religious to them...just a small piece of the life they are leaving for us. You may not want to eat fat...and they probably don't want a twinkie either, cause let's face it, if you weren't raised with them, they are gross. Would it have hurt for her to eat a few pieces of fat? No. Would a child bringing an amulet, a certain ratty toy from the SWI, or a little religious statue hurt your home? No. Can you explain why YOU believe in vegetarianism, atheism, Model T Car Sacrifices on the Full Moon? Of course...that's being a parent. (And of course, when issues of safety or laws etc come into play, that's a different situation that I'm not tackling here...)
Being an "adoptive" parent just means that you may not like the response you get when the child gives their opinion on your opinion re the topic at hand at that moment. And you have to be ok with that. A vegetarian may have to produce grilled chicken breasts for the kids, a Christian may have to allow a small statue of a non-Western religious figure because that brings comfort to the child, for religious or social memories and love. A staunch Right-Wing Conservative might have a kid that wants to become a supporter of socialism in the US. A picky eater may have a child that needs them to go get 4 different hot sauces and rather eat dofu, spicy noodles and eel than mac n cheese. Morning people may get a kid that just can't move more than snail speed in the morning for the first hour. A family of pacifists might get an aspiring army officer.
Cause these kids come as a package deal...they have likes, dislikes, hatred, and loves. They have histories, and cultural norms embedded in their brains.
If you want to adopt older, be willing to learn to live with a child that very well might not emulate your thought process on many subjects. Learn to embrace that new different thought process embedded in that little body and appreciate seeing a different viewpoint of the world around you...and anticipate learning to appreciate what they deem important, even if you don't.
6 comments:
More proof that all families are different. The fat thing? skeeves me out as well, but I guess I'd just tell her that while it's a delicacy to some, here, in this place, it's considered unhealthy and generally not eaten. She may have whatever is on her plate, but no more. Just give her the fattiest piece of whatever the meat of the day is... (look! a lesson in moderation! and you didn't even have to try hard!)
Personally, I wouldn't destroy little pieces of memorabilia. I might, however, gift the child with some sort of special "memory" box that he/she could keep their things in. I imagine for some parents it can be quite painful to have a constant reminder.
Who are we to say "no...ick'??? We're parents, it's our job to say no, to set boundaries, and to assimilate these children into our families and the society around them. You know my line on this one, I don't believe that we bring these kids into our homes (at any age) just to set them apart as "different" from us.
Religion? If a kid's devout in a religion other than the parents, then it's about worshiping as a family. Don't believe? You don't have to, fake it till you make it. When you're able to make a critically thought out argument for observing a different religion,(and when you're able to get your behind to whatever temple, mosque or kingdom hall without help) we'll hear it and take action then. Same thing goes for politics... give me a critically thought out argument for why you think being a liberal harpie is a good thing and I'll hear it and I might not even write you out of the will. (I will however, take to my bed like Camille and cry a million bitter tears..)
Sometimes I think that we forget that our kids are just that...kids. Not tiny adults. With my own, I'll hear anything you have to say, but, ultimately I make the rules, Himself makes the rules, and the child gets to follow....
I very much agree with many of the things you have written here. You bring up some very good points about recognizing the different view points.
@ Nyt:
"If a kid's devout in a religion other than the parents, then it's about worshiping as a family. Don't believe? You don't have to, fake it till you make it"
I would assume then that the WHOLE family would ensure that both religions are being practiced in a "fake it till you make it" approach, not just the child "faking" right? Because it is about worshiping as a "FAMILY" right, which would also include the respecting the child's beliefs as well?
@ The Drinkwaters
Well that assumption would be wrong. Until a child old enough to explore and understand various religions, that child will be worshiping with the family. That means that my kid is Catholic until further notice.
Certainly, there may be a point in time (usually the teen years) when a kid wants to explore other religious options. I fell away from the church as a teenager, Himself fell back in. When a child is able to make a somewhat logical argument that their spiritual needs aren't being met, we'll explore other religious options. And animal sacrifices are out. I don't care if you think that Santeria is the greatest thing ever...wait until I die :)
Understand that Himself and I subscribe to a different theory than most. We did not adopt a CHINESE child, we adopted a CHILD who happens to be Chinese. We're all for honoring culture, but not to the point that it sets the child APART from the family. You'll see dumplings hit my table as often as you see corned beef or schnitzel. There's a pickle on the Christmas tree, potatoes in the pantry and mooncakes in the cabinet.
Ultimately, it's about the family as a WHOLE. And it's about being a child, being part of something larger than yourself (family) and gaining the skills necessary to assimilate to whatever culture you happen to find yourself in.
Ahhhh, Nyt, here's the difference. J came to you as an infant. I always respect your viewpoint, though I don't normally agree, but I think you are fish out of water on this one...
These older kids, (yes, even our infants had personalities and likes) have been taught beliefs, facts (from whatever side of the fact it was...Dear Gawd, I HATE that the world thinks there are "sides" to facts these days), and preferences.
You know me well enough, you know that our kids aren't set apart...we have the dumplings, the schnitzel, and the kugalis...And there's the "have tos" with Big Girl - the social mores that would set her apart (slurping, burping, commenting on people as they stand there) that I rigorously enforce, and have, since Day 1.
Then there's her likes, things that I may not agree with, that I refuse to rip from her. I told her she won't eat everyone's fat, but I won't stop her, because that's like someone telling me never ever to chocolate again. I told her why we think it's bad, and I'll let it sit there and see what she does over time as she seemed to actually listen to me and not brush me off.
And to the religion...well, being I'm not, it's not really an issue here. But, this is NOT a case of dabbling sometimes. These kids have been raised with foster families who are devout (Buddhists, normally). This isn't "exploring" Wicca, etc etc like so many are want to do in their teen years. This is a deeeply held and seated belief akin to yours. And seeing as no one can definitively prove anything one way or another, to see these children's beliefs as not equal to yours is very harsh. You may be sure Catholicism is THE WAY. They are sure that Buddhism is THE WAY.
And to see families refer to Buddha to their new kids "as some fat guy"...when it obviously means something to them...they'd be up in arms if the kid said "some dude in a bathrobe" about Jesus. And...I dare say that ripping those things from the kid, or forbidding them, would not engender and open discussion where anyone on either side would be willing to listen.
We choose our battles with every kid we raise...that is true. It's a different set of battles with the older kids...much more akin to trying to convince a new spouse to not put a pound of salt on his beef...you'll make no headway with being a bulldog, and you ahve to choose the discussion you'll pick over what you want to teach them.
So shocking that we don't agree, don't you think?? Bwahaha! I said earlier, it's a difference in families.
"It's a different set of battles with the older kids...much more akin to trying to convince a new spouse to not put a pound of salt on his beef." That comparison tells me that you see your child in the same light that you see a spouse. I don't. To me, a kid is a kid. It has nothing to do with "being out of the water", it has to do with fundamental child raising beliefs. And since there are as many of those beliefs as there are folks on the planet, there is no right or wrong, there's just different.
The religion thing? That's about the fundamental belief as well. Ultimately, I don't care what religion you choose when you're able to make a cognizant choice, but, for now, you'll be observing our religion. I'll help you draw the parallels between what you're familiar with and what we do, and later on, if you choose a different way, so be it. For now, at this time and in this place you are part of this family. Past and present. Doesn't make one better or worse than the other, just makes them different and acknowledges the progression of time.
"This isn't "exploring" Wicca, etc etc like so many are want to do in their teen years. This is a deeeply held and seated belief akin to yours." Because CLEARLY 10 years of religious exposure is the same as 45... Methinks that perhaps you are mislabeling "devout", maybe "comfortable" might fit a little better.
When all is said and done, we all raise our kids the way we see fit. My house isn't a democracy, at best it's a benevolent dictatorship.... it's how we keep the anarchy (and the liberals) away... LOL!
This post resonates with me. Thank you so much. I enjoy the honesty in your blog and wanted to come out of "lurking" to let you know :)
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