I've got a lawyer in my oldest daughter. I can see it now. She lawyers who has the best cup for juice and why, she lawyers why what Peanut said about her doll getting married is wrong, because OBVIOUSLY the doll can't marry the teddy, cause it married the giraffe the Tuesday before last, etc etc etc...she negotiates everything, analyzes everything...
We've had lots of "glimmer discussions" lately...things in China, histories, events, timelines etc etc etc. And that's cool. Sideswipes me out of nowhere, but I *think* I've been holding my own. Even though she discusses the symantics of every bit of the discussion...
Of course I have to figure out what she's talking about...she's like Peanut in that she doesn't set up her story/discussion first. And we do have a small language barrier still. And *gasp* she doesn't know her *proper* adoption language.
Bad, bad, bad adoptee!
She swiped me while I was making oatmeal about a week and a half ago: "My real parents no keep me. I no know them."
Gasp - I'm not the "real" mom. Gasp - I'm not "mom". So many of my original agencies Social Workers from Hell would be rolling over in their grave right now.
"My mom take me to the little ocean to swim this summer" (That threw me - I thought she was asking - she was talking about her foster mom.
But, I'm not a go with the norm kinda girl as it is, and the more I thought about it, I don't care. I did give her words - foster mom has been offered up as China mom (which, considering she has 2 China moms didn't rub well with me, just for clarity), and she's gravitated towards "foster mom." That's great with me - it's clear and concise. I gave her the words "birth mom", she sometimes uses it, sometimes no. Which is ok. If she thinks she's her "real" mom, so be it. Her choice. She doesn't have the vocabulary to use it otherwise yet, but if that's how she thinks about it, that's gonna have to be ok. She doesn't seem to long for them - I think more she is thinking about her abandonment, but we'll get there.
So I started thinking about my names...Mom, Mama, Maaaaaaammmmmmyyyy, and what the rest of the adoption world calls me: "AP...adoptive mom".
I don't like it. We rail against people calling our kids "our adopted kids." So why am I her "adopted mom"? Why do we so much identify ourselves as such?
No doubt, we are different critters, we face different hurdles with our kids than bio kids...most of the time. There are RAD kids and PTSD kids that are living with their birth parents. There are ones that have ODD or sensory issues or Autism. There are ones that couldn't be with their babies the first x months of their lives as they struggled in incubators, or the parents could not be there to parent for whatever reasons. There are "APs" that have perfectly well adjusted babies and kids who have no issues. I don't go out to the world and say "I'm a Limb Difference Mom". So why am I an AP?
What Big Girl calls me is between her and herself. But, to the rest of the world, I'm "mama" to my girls. Period. I refuse to quantify my mother-ness (as saint or as second best) to the rest of the world.
3 comments:
What a great post. So appreciate your words here. I am a big proponent of the word adopted being a past tense verb not an adjective.
Hey - would you mind checking out www.sparrow-fund.org? My husband and I along with a board of directors launched this nonprofit in April and we're trying to get the word out that we're here. We have sent letters to agencies but feel like blogs are probably the best way to get the info out to waiting families. If you might be willing do write a post about it, would you please let me know? Thanks!
Well said. We have discussed China a few times with the 13 yr old. But the language barrier keeps us from fully understanding what her past entails. It sounds like she spent one month a year for about 6 years with the same "aunt & uncle". I'm looking forward to English improving so I can clarify what the world she's talking about. I think their stories will come out in pieces over the years, but then I'm new at this, so I'm walking blind!
Hey, thanks for your comment on my blog saying you are experiencing over eating at your house as well. We go to a play therapist (for Jelly) and I talked to her about it (our SWs are not worth crap!). She suggested only making the right portions for each person. If she asks for more, simply say, we are all only having one (hamburger, sandwich or whatever). But, if you are still hungry then you can eat ...(have your approved list ready). For us that means, carrots, apple or some yogurt (that we dish up). More often than not, she doesn't want those things and she walks away. She's gotten much better. I very rarely have her ask for more (she claims she does not like carrots and she's not in the mood for apples usually). She has started to regulate her food intake on her own. For example, if we are serving the same dish to everyone, she will eat 2nds, but wait to have any more until everyone else is clearly done. And even then, she does not always have more to eat. I think she began to notice that she was eating more than DH & I combined.
Now, clothes? Still an issue. We got them in the dresser drawers and she likes her room neat, but she's still wearing the same clothes for several days. Sometimes (like today) when I say something about her shirt being dirty (b/c she's worn it for 3 days), she will act like she does not know what I am saying (and I'm quite certain she's FULLY aware). Some days I will push her to wear something else...but then days like today, I just plain give up. Its not that big of a deal...and she'll probably change yet again before the day is over (she had changed 3 times before 9am today).
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