When we first got mired down in the lengthening crushing wait that China NSN became...back when we were waiting for Peanut...at one time we asked our crappy agency about SN adoptions. Mind you, back in 2006, these were so very much not the norm in China adoptions. After being treated like line-jumpers, we were advised "If you want to do this, just get a cleft lip and palate baby...one easy surgery, maybe two, and you are done."
How wrong these mis-guided people were...9 out of 10 times...
As the line grew longer, and moved slower, more and more people began advocating for SN kids as the SN program grew rapidly hand over fist in size vs. the NSN program. I'm all for that SN program growing, though I'm not all for it in the manner that it occurred, at the expense of the NSN program. Every kid deserves a home of course.
What I'm not ok with is with many degrees of the advocacy. I've seen some great advocators out there...don't get me wrong. I've seen people who have kids who have x y and z condition, and they go out there, post links, tell their stories, tell the good and the bad, the realistic, and the truth. And I commend them for using the internet and their time to do so. It helps people so much. I try to be this kind of person, someome who people can email and say "Hey, I read about Big Girl...can you tell me about this?!"
What I'm not ok with is the "It's Just" mentality. That's usually coupled with the "(s)he is so cute! Look at that dimple, SOMEONE has got to scoop him up" mentality.
Here's the thing...kids themselves aren't NSN. Sorry. They aren't. All kids, or 9,999,999 out of 10,000,000 of them will always be their own kind of mother-traumatizing ball of energy somehow...broken bones, or speech delays, curved spines, bad vision, rare genetic disorders etc etc etc
But I see these people say "It's JUST Cleft Palate." "It's JUST a missing hand." "It's JUST Hep B."
Here's the thing...you can't promise that. You just can't. Cause guess what...a lot of times there's moderate (or bigger) issues that are never placed in these kids' files. Period. And even the declared SNs...you can NEVER say "It's Just..." until that child is here and diagnosed and dissected and reviewed. And even then, another Dr will come and say "nope that one is wrong"...and sometimes that diagnosis is better, sometimes it is worse. There's misdiagnosed conditions. There's that dreaded "s" word: Syndrome. There's non-disclosed information. It's the dirty little secret of the adoption community...it'll all be ok with just love, we the people promise...
NO ONE should go out there and say "it's just". Gawd yes, you will love your child nonetheless, but one has to go fully into this saying "I'm ok if it isn't just..." and not just paying lip service to that discussion. Too much of this advocating is falling into the "Cute Puppy" arena these days, and it makes me nervous. Very nervous.
Should these kids be available for adoption? Hell Yes. Should people educated in the SNs that this child is supposedly presenting be free to advocate for these children? Damn straight, and I welcome it with open arms... Should people who see a cute pic on a website run around the internet squealing: "We can't afford one more, but if we could, this one would be it! Someone adopt him/her cause she's wearing the cutest little dress!" Ummmmm...no. And on the flip side, people shouldn't be taking "IHeartChina7932" and "somebody28"'s word that this is "just no big deal."
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and store up buckets of education and love to share when you decide to walk down that path...
4 comments:
Ahh my dear if only it were a perfect world....
Look, there are folks out there who are just flat-out desperate. They're going to jump into the deep end just because they're desperate to be in the water. No amount of begging, educating, berating or reasoning is going to touch those folks, they are convinced that they can swim because it's only water.
As for advocacy? Well, there's a school of thought that says any publicity is good publicity. Truth is a whole different thing.
During the Great SN/NSN Chinese Shuffle of 2008 we got our referral. I got a phone call a day later with an "oh BTW, your child has this but it's JUST this and it's no big deal" and that was from the Agency Who Shall Not Be Named" Imagine their frustration with me when we wouldn't sign off until we saw the docs at the UofC and gave them the info we had. We were the last family in our group to sign off and believe me, we caught hell for it. The "just this" had the potential to be a ton more, it wasn't, and everybody lived happily ever after blah blah blah... I said years ago that adoption is a business and if we carry that idea forward it means the ad for the business needs to be shiny and catchy...it's why the "just this" is still in existence...
I wish people would understand...you MUST go in with an understanding of HUGE unknowns. You have "JUST THIS" (which could be extremely more severe than expected) on the paperwork, but I can GUARANTEE there is more. Our 13 yr old has a long list of things they "investigated" and determined as "okay" (and is not, of course) and therefore not on the paperwork. The paperwork will NOT be accurate. THAT I can guarantee...100%. Without a doubt. We recently had to have an EEG done on our China adopted 4 yr old...(adopted at 10 mo)...the tech said they see parents of bio kids every day who feel responsible for their child's condition b/c of genetic things they didn't know about it, but they "gave" their children. There are just no guarantees no matter how you bring a child into your child. EVER. I wish people would realize this. Frustrates the living crap out of me.
When we adopted Molly we had requested a healthy young as poss girl. We bought home an 11 yr old healthy baby who at 2 and 1/2 developed a kidney condition. Nothing is guaranteed in this life. As you say, there is no such thing as NSN - we are ALL SN in one way or another. Personally I could not take on knowingly another sick child - if they happen to develop something down line as Molly did so be it. You take that risk as soon as you become a parent. You have to go into everything with an open mind and heart and educate your self up the wazzou regardless if you give birth or adopt. :-)
Woops I mean 11 MONTH old healthy baby
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