I Do Not believe it fate...I do not believe in The Child that was Meant To Be Yours. I think that's a lot of crap that gives some people solace that they are waiting in a ridiculous line for what, sadly, may be a pipe dream due to China's opaque policies and planning. I truly believe that you love the child you are given. Could you take Peanut from me now? Only if you pry her out of my dead and decomposed hands, of course. Would have have elected to take three years of my life hoping and praying for her, not knowing her? No. I would have loved the child that was handed to us a year earlier in the wait, or a year later. And I truly believe that. The "they do this" or "they laugh at Chevy Chase just like us" is a product of being raised in our households. And.. that we learn to love whatever is possible to love in our children because of them being our children.
With that being said, I also truly believe in people truly planning out adoption and really admitting to what they can handle. I believe in people having the funds for it (and yes, we held off an adoption and got closed out of a program when my husband lost his job...so I do walk the walk.) and I believe that people should research all the aspects of SN (and all adoptions) before they leap for a cute picture with a warm smile. I personally believe that is responsible. And honestly, I don't want to debate it, cause, well, everyone has their viewpoint, and it's not one that's going to change. I have friends who have acted contrary to the principals that I hold for myself, and I've supported them all the way, cause as you know, that's how I roll - it's my life...and it's your life.
So one month to the day after we met Big Girl, we got an email, from our Taiwan agency. The one that a year later still supposedly will have a viable program soon. We have fought tooth and nail to have them redefine the child we are looking for, and their awesome Inter-Country director did do this. I never thought we'd hear from them though. Not in a million years. The title of the email was "our last name: 5 year old girl file for your review."
After I picked my teeth up off the floor after they fell out when the jaw bone cracked on the tile...I just stared at it for a minute. Really?! And the heart racing. The sweaty palms...the whole bit. And I clicked, opened and read it.
I read it to husband. He just rolled his eyes at me and said "Do you really want another one?!"
Yeah...I think I do.
But she was not it. She was listed as having developmental delays due to severe neglect at a young age. We cannot take on those kinds of issues. Just as we couldn't take on the issues of the other 3 files we looked at before Big Girl...no matter how desperate that we felt to find our daughter a year ago. Sooo...within 20 minutes I had sent an email that said "no, I'm sorry, we cannot do that" and then again outlined the SNs we do feel comfortable with. Seems easy and done with, right?!
It jerked something inside of me...the possibilities. The future. The analyzing. The processing...cause no matter how much you see advocacy threads etc, to get a file offered to your family...all you have to do is say "yes" is a much different feeling. And, my thought is you love the child you get, right?
But it's not a matter of love. It's a matter of ability. And we weren't able, no matter how good Big Girl's adjustment is going, to take this on. And regardless of Big Girl...husband and I cannot take it on. We are not emotionally in the place to start this all over again. Cause there's sometimes living, and sometimes survival. I don't want us to just be surviving.
The simple fact is that adoptive parents don't play by the rules of bio parents. We can choose to embrace or reject a child who needs a home. And for us...for her...this was the thing to do. We can't be the best parents to her. We can't be to anyone right now until we get Big Girl settled in - and Peanut adjusted. And that has to come first. Would I have grown to love that little girl in the email? No doubt. But I had the luxury of making that choice...of not risking having to put my family in crisis. Adoption isn't birth and vice versa. And the quicker we all admit to the inequities and stop trying to make these processes as much the same as possible, the better.
I'm wistful for what might have been. Hopeful for what might be the future. And assured in my moments of clarity that I used the right organ in my body to decide what was best for everyone...for right now.
3 comments:
Well then, this one will drop your popularity in the adoption kingdom...LOL! I do believe that we end up with the children we are supposed to have, but the key phrase in that statement is END UP. When the planets align, when the wait is over, when it all comes together and apprehension is replaced with desire, we have found the child who is SUPPOSED to be ours. The universe just seems to work that way.
I suppose in some senses we, as adoptive parents, have an advantage. We don't have to deal with SN's if we don't want to, or, if we feel that we are not equipped to do so. The reality is, all kids have stuff going on, both natural and adopted, no matter what the age. For adoptive parents, we get the privilege of eliminating the obvious things that we know we can't handle, but it doesn't mean that we won't face challenges of a different nature at a different time...
Good to see that you're home and that things are working nicely..
Why? I didn't know I was popular in the first place!
I think it's more important to admit that your hands are full...to admit that even though it's a weird concept, that we do pick our kids.
Yes, as you know with Peanut, we've hit things we didn't know about, of course. Any parent that didn't expect that stuff would be ill informed as to what having a child really entails. Just like the lady I knew who planned for "no more than 5" diapers a day for a newborn.
BUT...we have the luxury (or loss of character building events) by choosing not to get in over our heads in the beginning...no unplanned adoptions, no medical needs we know we (or our insurance) can't handle. It's hard to have that mini-God ability over a child's life when it's been offered to you. Harder than I thought. But above all I have a responsibility to Big Girl and Peanut. Some day, apparently, to my surprise, I'd like another really and truly. But I wouldn't be a good mother to another now. How long I'll say that, I don't know. Maybe in 3 months...maybe 3 years.
If people fault me for that, so be it.
You mean we actually have the ability to perform a type of "family planning?? I mean that's really all it is in many senses. Were we "biological" parents, we would have the option to parent, place for adoption, or abort based on our family's needs. As adoptive parents that all we're really doing, choosing to parent, choosing to wait, or choosing to withdraw from the process all together. I let you figure out which equals which..
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