A few weeks...

A few weeks, and I'll be called "mama" by 2 little girls. Hopefully. Unless Big Girl is actually really pissed off that we keep our promise and show up. Who knows? I can only hope and see what is to come. It'll be a whole new world that I thought was years off, that's all I know for sure. And one I actually feel at peace with. Somehow I know in my bones this is right. Even as I fume over the further bad crap coming out of our on-hold Taiwan program, I know that adopting Big Girl instead of a child younger than Peanut is the right move. I know if we adopt another, it will be a child 3 or over. How I know this, I dunno, but I do.

It's been sooo long, this process. And yet, I'm panicked now that it is so close. So much to do. No time to mentally prepare (hah...yeah...right) and yet a need to try to prepare, control, organize, file...in ways that cannot happen within the laws of physics of this world. Doesn't help with the crazy house still torn up (at a "mostly" cosmetic level at this point in the renovation.) with my freaking.

I'm scared to death to bring Peanut with. I'm more terrified to leave her here, so she comes. I do hope she gets something out of going back to China at this age. The kid remembers every.damn.thing...eveh. So I hope so. I hope she absorbs enough to feel her country of origin...to feel a bit of the adoption and to see her story thru the unfolding of her sister's story.

Oddly, I'm not so worried (well, not out of the ordinary levels for a neurotic redhead) about the trip...I'm worried about being a mother to her day to day. I still many days fret about my skill set with Peanut (see neurotic thing above), and...well...school, social dynamics of almost-tweens, sibling stuff, discussions about things that are more scary to discuss then trying to explain to a 3.5 year old, though deep and complex, as to why she cannot put nail polish on the cat or why KaiLans friend is so mean...I worry that I'll be a disappointment to her after she's waited 9 years for a mama and a baba.

Getting my swimming cap on, pulling up the swimsuit...getting ready to dive in. Hope the water is warm...