You Know...

You know you're visiting waaaay South of the Mason-Dixon when:

• The police drive pickup trucks...with crosses/rosaries dangling from the rearview mirror.
• It's socially acceptable to have a molded plastic dolphin mailbox holder (that crafty dolphin has learned to hold your electric bill with his flippers! Smart marine mammal! Have a mackeral!) in front of your 500k+ beachfront home.
• People say "I got my nails done at the Vietnamese place" and everyone, even from 30 minutes drive away, knows who and where you are talking about.
• Everyone in the discussion also knows at least 5 other people who have had dealings with them - either of two ways: a. They are really 'actually' rather lovely people, or, x y and z strange things happen, well, because, you know...
• It's acceptable to go to the grocery store with no shirt on.
• You walk your pet goat along the expressway to get it some excercise.
• You dust people if you go the speed limit.
• It gets quiet in the restaurant lobby when you walk in with your adopted child.
• There's minimum 2 bbq places in every strip mall, and you count one faux-Chinese restaurant in all of 3 towns.
• There's golf cart dealerships every few miles. They are packed on Saturday. You wonder how many sell when the economy isn't in the crapper.
• There's a general consensus that Bush should be offered an honorary 3rd term.
• You see Mercedes sporting Confederate Flag bumper stickers.

You know you are at a Southern Wedding:

• When people you don't know, and have never heard of, know intimate details of your life.
• And they hug you. Repeatedly. More than family.
• There's grits served at the pre-wedding luncheon, even if it's in a million dollar beachfront condo. They were fancy though - they were cheezzzzz gggrrrittts.
• The bride wears blue eyeshadow.
• And blue mascara.
• Strange men at the wedding feel a need to call you little lady and tell you things while winking at you.
• You see the bartender look at you funny when you ask if they have viognier wine.
• The wedding is at a high end swanked out golf course, and the flowers came from Ace Hardware.
• Photography takes 4.5 hours pre-wedding. That's after they take professional pics of the dress...on the hanger.
• One (brides) family gets offended the other (grooms) family won't pay for the drinks at the rehearsal dinner they are hosting, because "our family" expects it, we don't "do it" that way. Hours of discussion amongst the head hens of the family occur. Correction: Days of discussion.
• Family friends get involved in righting the wrong of the drink debacle.
• Someone makes a comment that it's nice that the bride included her niece's culture by serving mini-eggrolls at the cocktail hour before dinner.

You know you are at a Family Wedding:

• When your SIL, the bride, talks about the most expensive gifts she got. And you know nothing about the other gifts.
• Your MIL feels it was her duty to tell the bride and the groom about the gift you spent 2 months making for them, even though you specifically asked her to keep it a secret.
• You call your friend back home at least twice, and she answers with "what did they do", and you answer with "how much bail money would you be able to raise?!"
• You seriously consider committing 8 major felonies and 7 misdemeanors in the course of 3 days, but for family harmony, you desist.
• You feel like a crappy stepped on doormat at the end of the event.
• You wish you could keep the groom, and really truly "give away" the bride.

Ahhh, there's no where like midwest suburbia...