The Feel of Fear

Yesterday afternoon, H and I headed over to the local Italian bakery/grocery store, to stock up on her metric tons of fruit that she eats in a day...

I was picking out cherries for her, and she was in the cart next to me. As I turned around, there was a tall, thin man, in his late 30s would be my guess, long jeans on, a long sleeve shirt and sunglasses (not perscription), right there...like 2 feet away kinda thing. No cart, nothing in hand. I startled. He said "she's really a cutie." and then walked away. Mind you, it's in the mid-80s here...

I thought to myself...ok, there's an odd cookie and walked off towards the meat counter. Then I remembered we'd be bbq'ing, so I went back to the front of the produce section to get some beans. They were in a big pallet box...I'm digging thru the beans, and as I look up, he's on the next side around of the box. He smiles and walks away.

Ok, now I'm getting a bit freaked. So I walk across the front of the store, and head to the bakery to get H some kolachky. As I come around the corner, and start to pass all the checkout aisles, I see him standing there in the middle, still no food, no cart, glasses on, no one with him, looking to the left and right over and over again. As we pass him, he looks at H and says "Hi again, cutie."

I didn't know where he was when we checked out. So, I checked out, took my stuff out to the car with my keys in between my fingers. I dropped my 2 bags into the car, and took H out of the cart and walked right around the corner of the store to a fish store around the corner that services our tank at work. I know the owners, and they are big wrestler kinda guys. H and I hung out for 15-20 minutes checking out the tangs, angels, puffers and wrasses. I didn't want to be in the lot trying to wrangle a kid that's not to happy about car seats right now, vulnerable.

They guy was probably a socially awkward guy, but I didn't like it. I've learned over the years to trust that goosebump feeling on the back of my neck. I know I'm a worrywart, but I was actually scared for my daughter. I was creeped out. I was afraid something would happen to her, she would be taken away from me...it's a horrible feeling.

I called the store, told them what had happened. They said they were going to go thru the camera tapes and see if they could pick him out, to just be aware of the situation. They've earned my respect with that.

I kissed my daughter an extra 2000 times last night. I don't ever want to have to think that my daughter might be at risk again. It's a feeling I never ever want to feel again.

6 Months

It's been the blink of an eye, and also forever. I can't remember life without H, but it seems just yesterday she was placed in my arms. I'm not going to go all mushy, lovey, pie-in-the-sky on y'all...I'm the realist queen. I'm a realist enough to know that my few readers who look into my brain pan to see what is rolling around are of 2 camps: 1. The ones who are parents already, and just nod their head at my posts thinking...you didn't know this already, moron?! and 2. The people who are waiting like I waited...waiting too long. And though you may not know parenthood, you obviously know in your hearts that it is amazing, otherwise, you wouldn't ride this suck-ass ride you are riding as it creeps forward. So y'all know that this is the most amazing thing I've done in my life. I wouldn't trade any of it, even for my life, if I had to. 'nuff said. She's my life, I think you know that thru my posts...

But, I would like to share with you things I've learned in the past 6 months. Of course, most of these are obvious, but sometimes I wish some people had told me these things, cause I'm kinda dense sometimes...

• This is sooooo much harder than I ever thought. Seriously. Three times harder than I thought. No question. Take the worst thing you've ever seen a kid do anywhere, and multiply it by at least a factor of 3. That mom with the kid flipping out over the damn Fruit Loops in the store? The kid who flung food across the restaurant? The kid that you heard didn't sleep for 4 days straight; the vomit output that didn't sound possible for an adult?...yeah, those are the stories you hear where the parents want to scare you, but not too much so you are still crazy enough to think you can handle it.
• I wish I had travelled more, and more remote. We travelled a lot. Used every vacation day to travel. Wish I had skipped London and done Cambodia instead. Wish I had taken a deficit of a week of vacation days every year to travel more. I can't wait till I can take Peanut with us. I plan the day I walk her down the Elysee with us, holding our hands. I do regret not backpacking New Zealand before she came home. I regret not seeing Peru, Cambodia, New Zealand, Egypt and Turkey before I became a parent. It will be too long until she will be able to go with us there.
• Have sex in all the weird places in your house that you've seen them think up in movies. Cause you aren't going to want to try out under the kitchen table and find a cheerio in places you don't want cheerios after you become a parent. Of course, the cheerios will end up there anyways, somehow...insidious little buggers. They are the cockroaches of the cereal world. But, I digress...you will only be searching out the place that you feel is the most quiet for sleeping child. If that's under the table, godspeed to y'all.
• This is also so much better than I thought. H right now is slightly resistant to hugs...it's an assertion of independence. I must ask for them too much. But when she does, she comes over to me, runs her hands thru my hair to the back and hugs my head. I could cry every time she does it. It makes up for the times I want to cry in the store when she can't have all the cereal bars and she expresses herself. It makes up for it a 1000 times over.
• Kids will make up the weirdest sounds, games, humor etc. You'll never know how they came up with it. You must embrace the crazy. If you have the crazy kid who does it differently than all the others, like my H, embrace it. It's testing, but amazing to have a child that thinks for herself at such a young age. It'll take 7 years off your life, but it's amazing to watch.
• The first time you see what you qualify as a "serious" injury you will learn three things: it wasn't that serious; you will very likely piss yourself out of fear, so wear Depends until it happens; they are rubbery little beings that recover amazingly well. Call the doc, even though in your brain you know you don't need to. You'll feel better.
• Work yourself down to eating food at room temp. Also learn to love child-food that you hate. You will eat a lot of it. Yesterday, for lunch, I ate the soggy cereal left over from when she was done, the quesedilla (yeah, bite me I don't have a dictionary handy) she wouldn't eat, and the chopped up hot dog from the day before she wouldn't eat...on a heal of bread cause no one will eat the heel in this house. The ketchup, if applied liberally, holds those bits in place.
• Go out to dinner now. Swanky dinners, exotic dinners. If your kid comes home and eats all that stuff, ride that wave as often as you can. It will end in a quick instant. One day: ecudorian food. The next day: chicken nuggets.
• I have a child that will let herself starve to death over eating what you put in front of her. Seriously. That is her willpower. Jealous would be Yoda. Do not give the kid a light saber...the force is strong in her.
• Go see every movie you have an inkling of seeing.
• Don't look at your bank book after they come home. These kids can eat more than an adult male, I truly believe.
• Don't go overboard and buy too many clothes for child. (Husband is now laughing at this point.) I spend too much time reaquainting myself with what I have and what I need to go with what I have. It's a pain in the ass.
• Do go buy yourself clothes, and shoes and new undies before you get your child. Get a whole new wardrobe. Have it at home for two reasons:1. Shopping with a child is a b****. 2. It gets really tiring wearing the shorts you were already sick of when summer started.
• Make sure one of those purchases is a sexy nightgown.
• You will still feel like a new parent when most people look at your 17 month old child and they forget that you are new at this. You will feel out of your element around people with kids the same age as you at some point.
• Appoint a friend who has kids (or is really observant) to tell you things that you should have noticed, like when your kid's shoes are too small the first time. You will not notice something. You will feel like an idiot. Having a good friend to point it out will make you feel less stupid.
• Love your animals. Don't forget them in the process. O & E know when Peanut goes to bed. They know it's their time. They may not appreciate all the kisses she gives them, but they have tolerated her well. They aren't jealous, they aren't feeling neglected. They therefore are tolerant of her, and respectful of the changes in this house.
• If you are adopting from another country, try to go there before you go to bring baby home. We did. The best and most amazing thing we did with our wait. I would have hated China if I had only gone last February. Having had the time to absorb and tour before, while we were waiting...to see the culture I have admired for so much of my life, that was the best gift we ever gave ourselves.
• You will find some of the most amazing friends thru this journey. So many people think everyone has to be friends who you meet thru this. That isn't true. And you will lose some friends thru this journey. It's the progress of life. Take the new friends you can get, lose the ones that can't support you, and you are richer in life for it.
• You don't have to do everything in your kid's life because they are a Chinese adoptee...we were quizzed what we would do to embrace H's culture by our agency. I couldn't even answer, I drew a blank. They then ran down a list that seemed like a "duh" list...will you eat Chinese food? Will you talk about their home country? Will you travel with them to China?! But I see too much emphasis sometimes on things like an agency staff worker telling me about a cute panda room someone did, how many Chinese friends do you have etc etc...I don't want H to count our Chinese friends. I want her to see that our Nigerian friend, our Aussie friend, our Polish friend, our Filipino friend... all are equal and wonderful. I don't want to hang out with people I don't like cause their kid in Chinese. I rather teach H that you surround yourself with people who you like and who care about you.
• Those wide hips that have made jeans shopping suck your whole life? (The ones that all the docs told you would be great for child-bearing...ironically enough...yeah, those hips.) They are awesome for carting around a 21+lb'er. I see all those skinny chicks in their awesome jeans with the baby sliding down their leg looking at me with envy.

Peanut just woke up. We have to go play with her pink dolphin balloon I bought her at the store yesterday to celebrate her anniversary and have an icee after lunch. Much better than the phone conference they are on at work right now.

Learning to Adjust...and an Addiction

Sigh...it's been a rough couple of weeks again for little Miss H...(Don't I always say that?!) P started his newer and better job last week (yay! yay!), and she's not liking that he's not home. She had grown quite comfortable with the time he took off. Also, he's leaving before she gets up in the a.m., which gives him a lot more time at night with her, but she's soooo not digging that. I hope in a few weeks of this new routine, she'll get her bearings again. She had finally decided that, yes, these people do live only for me, and I like it this way!

Side story: My kid is too smart. Period. We were leaving Best Buy yesterday, and we're sitting at the light. Mind you, H loves saying BuhBye to every car that passes her. She's the neighborhood goodbye committee all rolled up in 32 inches of cuteness. She says BuhBye to every car she sees. We're sitting at the light, and a car of same make and color as P's rolls up on the other street (so, what, 40+ feet from us?!) with a man in his 20's inside. She screams "Dada" and points (she was being generous on the age thing to ol' dada there). Freaky smart, huh?

We've had a few breakthrus with the complete menu of 8 things H will currently eat. She has decided she loves Chicken Congee again. And she tried fried hash brown cakes (I know, not the most nutrionally great thing), and she loves them! And she tried bagel, but didn't like it, but at least she tried it. Oh, and...get this....marinated cucumber?!?! She loved it once I got it between those little cute lips! So, we're up to about 11 things now. Sigh. I miss the days of feeding her off every plate at the Thai restaurant!

And now, I have a confession to make. I'm addicted. I fully admit it. L will vouch for the 2 giant bags of shame that are sitting in my fridge right now. I am a dim sum addict. I cannot go clean. I will not go clean. Put me on the Intervention show on A&E. It will not help. I rationalize it by the fact that I don't have to cook many many dinners now. My fridge looks like DimSum land exploded in it. The bags actually cannot contain the sum-my goodness...there are containers on every shelf. but H is my enabler. It's her fault. She sleeps thru the "lunch time-ness" of dim sum on Sundays now. I have to pick up order it, and it's a good 20 minute drive one way to get there, so why only get what a small milita can eat? Why not go for a whole division of the army, at the very least? Don't leave me in the house alone to order when P is outside working on the yard, and child is sleeping, so I have no distractions or sanity to check me. Just cause we can't eat 3 orders of pork buns at one sitting, in my mind, is not a problem. It is an opportunity for more yumminess. And you need the shrimp toast and the sticky rice to go with. To not, would be a crime. $70 of Chinese food is totally eatable if we put our minds to it. (And heck, that included H's custom made congee.)

Leave me to my shame in peace...and don't touch that pork bun or that turnip cake.

Ummmmm...That's Called A....

OK, I have two topics to share today...I'd say that this episode is brought to you by the letter "G" for "growth" and "girly."

This past weekend, we went to a neighbor's son's 2nd birthday party. Perhaps y'all remember said neighbor, last year, when we went to said son's 1st bday party, and I left in tears, hoping no one knew. We thought the kids would be about "home" the same time...Well, he was born July 2006, and H didn't come home till Feb of 2008. Anyways, off we went, H all spiffed up in her girly girly party dress (when else am I going to put her in all this foofy stuff that she got as gifts?!) I thought nothing of the events of last year. She was clingy, and then we finally got her onto dada instead of me...finally about an hour in, we got her to plant both feet on the ground. Over time, she started to wander. We were proud. Then, N from a few doors down was headed outside with her kids, and H was whining to go out in the 98% humidity, 90-something day, which mama was not digging. N looked at H from the doorway, and said "H, do you want to come with us?!" My internal mama scoffed at the idea. All of a sudden, H scooted off and into N's arms and out the door. I was...well, speechless. And then, I felt so proud. I was so proud of her. Last year, I was praying to Jesus, Buddha, Mohammad and the Dali Lama to bring us a daughter. I begged Zeus and Ra and anyone else who would listen to not make me go thru another event where I watched from the outside in at all the parents and kids...

This year, I watched from inside, out. I peeked out the back windows and watched my daughter wander the backyard with the people we've been working to get her to know and trust, our 3 good family friends in the 'hood, the past 5 months. She was so reluctant, wanting to keep her world small. I saw her ask to get down from N, wander over to the kids who so want to play with her, then wander over to J, and get scooped up with giggles. She played outside for about 15-20 minutes then happily came back in and ran into my arms.

I was so happy when I saw her growing, versus being in my arms, not being "kept" as I so wanted to be able to do last year. I think I'm starting to grow as a mama too.

And here's my funny story of the day: (Kinda sick of me to title the post over the 2nd, non-sappy, story, huh?) I'm such a daredevil... So, I'm changing H's diaper this a/m...the kid has been all over the body parts lately. We know noses, mouths, hair, bellys, toes (we love toes), feet, knees (another favorite with the under-4 foot crowd around here), belly buttons, eyes, and sometimes fingers. I should have seen this coming like the obvious punchline it is in this story...we've got the diaper off, and mama is getting ready to swab the butt creme all over and seal it back up. H sticks her finger down to near where all the parts start, and looks at me and says "Dah?!", which is her way of saying "What the heck is that, lady?!?!" I just about fainted. The last thing I expected to hear out of my daughter this week was asking me what the things between her legs were called! Mind you, she hasn't shown interest or anything like most kids do at some age. I was speechless again, just cause, who would have guessed that would have been the discussion when I walked in there this morning!? I mumbled for a minute, and then she asked again. I stalled long enough, and then I came up with "Those are your 'girly parts', sweety." Then, I felt like a chicken. So I told her their real names, though she was already trying to say "girly parts", coming out grah-grah, so I said, that's ok, we'll keep it simple for now and stick with "girly parts."

Oh dear...am I going to have to explain the birds and the bees to her soon too? I need her to at least be three before she asks me about that!