What Easter Means to Me...

I don't have the traditional view of Easter...yeah, not shocking from the person whose very nature doesn't allow her to blindly follow anything but an awesome pair of shoes or a wickedly tight line of argument...

Easter was the first holiday that H was here. She had not been home long, but it was the first time we got to girl her up and take her out and celebrate something. We introduced her to P's extended family that first Easter. Last Easter was with my family, and this Easter was with my Dad and step-mom...so now we also have memories with everyone that are totally different situations. So I always have about 9.5 minutes of thoughtful reflection. I remember being the overwhelmed new mama, I remember her in her first cutsy-little purple, white and green floral dress with a little lavender sweater over it and black mary janes over her white tights. All the things that family-with-kids family photo memories are made of that I finally had as mine.

And I can still see in my eye the photo that came up on the camera screen when my husband took the photo of her in my lap....the first time I really really saw the vacant eyes staring back at me...we'd thought "she's come so far" the 7 weeks she had been home. She had...I don't deny that. But it showed me how far she still had to go in graphic detail. In the trenches of being a new mom, I had never stopped and just looked at her with the distance that a photo gave me. She looked like a doll - a perfectly formed, vacant doll. Still coping with what had happened to her to a great extent.

And I remember we tried to get her to smile...which we had seen her do often. But she wouldn't for the picture that day. Her way of keeping me in my place.

And this year, I saw her hunt down 15 eggs high and low with no issues. I saw her wanting to share her candy with me. I saw her say Thank You to the Easter Bunny...I saw her sit like a big girl in a big kid chair for 1.5 hours. I saw her charm the grandparents she took the longest to get used to. I saw her try 3 new foods. I saw her giggle and scream at the Easter Bunny, and worry about the ladybug climbing the window. I saw her see another Chinese adoptee and say "mama - she like me. Same." I heard her ask "why" questions thruout brunch. I felt her lean in and give me an unsolicited kiss. I saw the light in her eyes. I saw the spunk. I saw the intelligence. I saw the bonds.

She's come so far. And now, I know, she'll keep going.