OK, so after my pensive mood, and a cancelled lunch date with a friend, I decided to get Peanut and I out of the house. So what do I come up with what with our crappy weather and all? I go to the office. I figure I can make my presence known to little boogers who think I don't count anymore, and H can get cooed over...
So into the car to spend 45 minutes of gas...egads. Did I really drive that much every day of my life?!?! We get to office, go to Dad/Boss' office of course. He lights up when he sees us, and starts talking to H right away, trying to get her to warm up to him. The dog du jour (they take turns coming to the office), cowers behind him, terrified of this evil thing that has come into her life, waving at her and dropping cheerios. All was fine. All is fine. It always is, with my Dad. Nothing ruffles him, nothing gets him pissed or sad or whatever. He's the picture next to the definition of "even-keeled".
We do the office tour, have some office-y discussions. He only tries to hold H at the end of the visit, when she's pissed off at this boring adult stuff, and about 3 hours overdue for a nap (her choice, not mine.). She screams of course. Then I switch off my finger about 10 minutes later for his, so I can visit the toilet before the drive home. I come out, she's still walking with him, but it's like a little Baby Death March. She's walking, but moaning, and the tears are in her eyes.
That got to me. She's ok with him, sometimes likes him, but doesn't squeal with delight with him. And it bugged me because he made little comments...not bad ones, but telling ones: It was nice of you to bring her in. Wow! She has great balance now. Oh look how much she's walking. She looks so much taller....etc etc etc...my favorite: We'll try to get together this weekend.
Dude. You live 3 minutes from me if the light is red. And 1/2 of the times you've seen your one and only grandchild is when I cart her into the office...45 minutes away. I don't know if it is him, my step-mom, a almost beyond belief desire to make sure there is no infringement on personal space, or what, but I'm starting to get really disappointed.
I don't know why, this is how it was with me. Mind you, my Dad is such a great guy, it pains me that H is not getting to know him better. He saw her once every 10 days or so for a few times, and now, it's back to normal. Life getting in the way. Scratch that...work getting in the way. I don't know if my step-mom is playing into that...I know she was still in her casts from her foot surgery when we got home, I get that, I spent $80 on a phone call from GZ to see how the surgery went, but now that she's better, why has the visitation gotten worse? And the times he's been over at my house? Other than her birthday, it's been dropping off work or something, though I give credit that he could be darting off again but doesn't.
When I was little, my parents divorced when I was wee. Very wee. Not infant wee, but I just have one faint memory of us all moving to seperate houses that summer day. My Dad talked to me most days - I would call him at the office because they usually worked till after dinner. I get that in the days of the start up company. But it was always me calling him. Sometimes multiple times to get him. I think one of the reasons he bought a brick cell phone was so he could multi-task and call me back on his way home. I saw him 90% of the weekends for a day. But somehow, for all the physical effort, it was somehow always me, the 8 year old, the 12 year old, the 30 year old looking to make the emotional and mental effort to connect. And it's funny, because I am his daughter all the way - the interests, the outlooks, everything. Though I promise to not let life slide away like he has in some ways.
Perhaps it's the flow of daily life. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. Maybe I still crave my Daddy's open love (which you don't see, you just have to know it's there) more than I admit to myself. I had angry spurts growing up of course with him. Haven't had it for years. I'd gotten into the daily flow of how it is. Maybe the last 11 years at my office have given me a sense of closeness that I had craved my whole life. I'm sure they have in some great way. Was is real or not...does discussions about politics and tv and life in the lunchroom suffice or not?! Who's to say...
I don't know what I wanted. What I expected?! He is what he is. I just wish it was different for H. I know he loves her, I can see it. I just want it to be different for her. I want her to squeal when she sees him. I want her to have the awesome Grandfather that I had in his father. My Grandfather was twice the reserved cautious sincere man my father was, but you saw him put that aside for his one and only granddaughter. He wasn't snuggly, but he would wiggle his ears and lift me over his head. He was infintely patient. He would show me how he made jewlery and fixed the sink and trimmed the cactus. It pains me...soon I figure, my Dad will also make the move to AZ, they have a gorgeous piece of land out in Sedona - my step-mom is just about screaming for it. I feel the time that H has with him is limited. I don't want her home at 6 months here to have reservations about being with him instead of me. I want her to know him, to spend those intimate moments with him, when they bow their heads together over an ant hill and he explains everything he knows (which is always more than you would think Granddads should know) and comes home all infused with excitement. I see caution in him, he's giving her space. But he's not here enough for her to decide to make those emotional and mental reaches out to him that I've always had to do. Will he go away, to the life my step-mom wants before they get to the point that she can and wants to do the leg work for it? Why can't he make that step, the reach that my grandfather made, overcoming all the level-headed reasonableness and daily work ethic to take that time?
Am I asking to much? And why do I kill my brain and my heart over this? You can't change what any of us are...I can't make him do what is not in his nature.
I mourn for H, because if he was 1/2 the Grandfather his Dad was to me, she would be rich beyond her dreams.
2 comments:
I am sitting her w/ tears in my eyes. So sad for H and for your dad. So much missed on both their parts.
My dad only got to know his oldest grandchild (my neice). He would have been a wonderful perfect grandfather in every way. It is sad that my daughters never knew him. But we are happy that Grandmom is here and is the perfect g'mom. They do have my FIL but he is all about himself - and they don't really know him at all. I guess we have to help our children when they wonder about involvement (or lack thereof). And be the ones feeling sad because we know what they(the g'parents) are missing out on.
He's waiting for permission from you. You're a mom now, busy with your husband and H, and he doesn't want to intrude and doesn't quite know what his role is. You can define that for him. Maybe an hour visit to their home on a Saturday or Sunday but every weekend to build the rapport. At this point, it sounds like H still isn't quite sure who he is. Like everything, with structure and consistency, she'll learn.
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