We learned last night that we lost a long time friend...Dan was 35. He was P's childhood friend, and became the brother I never had when I started to date P. He was best man in our wedding.
I remember the first time I met Danny...I had heard so much about him already. P and I had been dating a few months, but were talking pretty seriously already...Danny called because he was coming back from LA to NY, as he was done with submarine duty for the M/M Academy, and wanted to know how far our university was from the airport. P pretty much ruled it out with the length of layover, and then Dan found out about me. Dan was determined to meet me once he heard that this was already pretty serious. With only about a 4.0 hour layover, he landed in ORD, came up to school, hung with us for about 2 hours, and then went back to the airport. That's how he was...he always was open, loving, outgoing, and a bit of a spur of the moment.
I remember the toast he gave at our wedding...beautiful and caring words that I never expected out of "just Danny." He was the brother I never had...he was the brother P never had. I remember Danny three way calling while we were in school, cause they figured out that the Academy only tested for long distance after 20 minutes, so he'd call and set a timer and then walk away, so our parents wouldn't yell at us about phone bills, the summer P and I were living 5 states apart. He would do that when he called us too - we'd talk the three of us for 3 hours easily, in 19 minute increments. I remember Dan calling drunk from a bar in NY, because a pop star from the 80's that he had had a crush on in the day had walked into the bar...I remember him flying out for a surprise party for P's masters. In a snowstorm, coming in 3 hours late. But he never gave up coming. I loved seeing P's and his faces that weekend, having them back together again, having a great time. I remember the fear we felt on 9/11, not knowing where he was for hours, he was a freelance consultant, we just didn't know. He had been outside the city a bit still, thankfully. I still remember his voice when I picked up the phone. I can still hear it. I remember when I went to visit him in NY, back in college, and he so naively told the bum that I wasn't his girlfriend and the bum hit on me then...and I remember the time he almost lost an arm pulling me into the subway train during rush hour. I remember the pain he was in the time I spoke to him after his kidney was removed.
Over the years, Dan came and went. It wasn't unusual to not hear from him for a year. He was a single guy living in the city. In 2005, we got a call from him, he was having surgery. Kidney cancer. He was 31 at the time. I spent a lot of time on the phone with him then, and talking to his mom who moved to NY to see him thru the kidney removal. He bounced back quickly. He worked hard at it. He didn't want P and I to come, he wanted us to visit when he was well, and I was soon to have my first surgery for endo. We were for sure he'd be out to the house within 6 months. It never happened.
P last saw him a few years ago, when he took a business trip to NY. They went our for sushi and ran up a huge bill drinking and eating and talking. Danny's Dad had just passed, and it had hit him hard. Dan was talking about moving back to FL. He was admiring of our work on the adoption (we were still waiting), he shocked us by speaking of a desire to go and find a way to adopt as a single dad. We encouraged him, but as he moved closer to moving to FL, the talk faded away, and he did too.
Once he moved, he fell off the face of the Earth. Which we expected, that was how he was. We figured he'd resurface once he was settled in, once he had a job and was back in the groove. We were in the midst of H's adoption, that was the first email that he didn't respond to.
Did he move to FL knowing the cancer was back? Knowing it was the end? Did he go back and move into a home in rural FL to die? Did he purposefully keep that from us? Dan came and went, but we always reconnected. And as soon as we did, it was like no more than a week had passed.
Our lives have a big whole in them right now, a painful dark hole. And the only thing we have to fill it is regret. Regret we didn't find some way to check on him, that we didn't send more than an email every few months. Regret that life got in the way of the big picture when we realized something was up.
We always think there's another day. Now, there are no more days. All I can hope for is that some of the religions of the world out there are right, that there's going to be a child soon born that has the soul of a loving, kind, intelligent person who was well loved in this life and that that goodness is carried on. 35 years for this world to have had him wasn't enough.
Good bye Dan, we love you.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Did Anyone Send Out a Search Party?
Random Dates of Reflection
Perhaps some of you remember this story, most probably don't...but it's become woven into a point in time that for some reason apparently every year becomes a moment of reflection for me...
Our neighbor got pregnant with her 2nd (after giving up) the week we sent our dossier in to China. We had thought they'd "be coming home" the same time roughly, Peanut and her child-to-be. Well, obviously, with a 12/05 LID, that didn't happen. G was 18 months old by the time we got referral of Peanut. The timelines of this little boy's life stung me like few things stung me as the wait dragged out, I had two more surgeries due to the endo eating on my insides (culminating in a hysterectomy at the age of 33), and I felt that becoming a mama was never going to happen for me...
Two years ago, at his first birthday (which is what I posted about back then), not only was I still waiting the endless wait, with all kinds of rumors swirling and twisting in the air, and no end in sight, but also another drama-queen friend was there, knocked up with twins via ivf. She sat there and bitched all day about the trauma of having to carry these babies, and how expensive all this had been, and she hadn't had her teeth fixed before the pregnancy, and now the one root canal she had needed to do had become infected and they had to do it with a topical, cause, hello she was pregnant with twins, and obviously didn't have 2 brain cells to click together...she figured if she did the dental work, they wouldn't have the cash to get the ivf (hello? is this a sign?), so she opted to not have 7k in work done to her teeth, cause that's waaaay safer for all.
So, in my grown up way, with all my wits around me, I went next door to my house with some false pretense and sobbed my eyes out. And sobbed and grieved and sobbed some more. No matter how hard my friend had hoped for her 2nd, and this friend had endured infertility to get this pregnancy, I was pissed off and hurt. I felt somehow betrayed, tortured by these people having these kids and kids-to be. Probably the worst day ever of a one-week-under-2-years wait for Peanut.
Last year, G turned 2, and H was with us. She had been home 5 months and was a velcro baby. I was so proud to be carrying her into this party...my little girl (I was one of the mamas now!), in her little party dress. Our friends' family was all there oohing and aaahing over her, and it felt so good, after the year before's pain. Then I realized the absolute joy of seeing your child do something, attain a goal you've had for her...my little velcro baby went outside after a few hours with another neighbor friend and her little boy...she looked at me, and I said "if you want to go outside, you go with N"...and she did. And I felt myself beaming with pride. She was so brave. She was already learning to grow up...and even better, after 20 minutes, she came back inside and ran into my arms and squealed "mama!"
This year, G turned 3. He's independent and following the big boys etc, etc...H is more advanced "academically", but I see her socially behind where he was at at her age. What did I see yesterday? I saw a little girl hesitate at first, who still refuses to eat in groups other than small snacking, but then she warmed up, I saw her ask her dada for her swim suit (and after just a few seconds of hesitation about me staying at the party, she went home with him to get it), and run around on the slip n slide, and jump in the pool with the little kids and some of the bigger ones. I saw her let another neighbor hold her, a man who is gentle and kind, but with his booming voice scares the crap out of her. I saw G's dad get a hug from her, another man who's kind and caring towards her, but his height scares her. I saw a girl who says thank you to people, and one who climbed into the pile of kids watching presents opened with just a quick turn of the head to calculate my position. I saw a different child this year, one who is confident, smart, becoming articulate (she held discussions with many people who rarely hear her talk, and they understood her! woot! speech therapy!)...I saw the timid scared baby all washed out of her soul, I saw a strong confident little girl standing there...an opininated one (she was back in China too), but one who not only is confident enough to express her opinions clearly, but one who is learning to do it kindly (usually), and with some poise.
And me? I feel a different woman. A much stronger person, mentally and emotionally...between the endo trying to steal all quality of life, and the wait that we endured (more than I ever estimated in myself that I could handle)...a strong person who has been broken down and built back up. I was wobbly on my feet as a new mother, terrified of caring for this little one. Now, I'm confident, and sure of my steps with her. I have days where I can't wait for P to get home, but I feel very recently, that I've truly fully adjusted to motherhood...it can feel like a daily struggle sometimes - hell, she's 2, but not a struggle to find my bearings anymore. I don't know really how to explain it, I just feel zen about the whole thing now...
And here we are, a few days shy of 5 months into the wait for mei mei. A totally different wait, this time around. At this point last time, I was going bat-shit crazy. This time, I'm good, I know it'll almost for sure come. I know I can deal with the changes that we only had been warned about with IA, but never experienced at this point last time. I also know H isn't quite ready for mei mei to be here...in a year, yeah she will be. She's learning to share so nicely, but she's not ready to share me quite yet. All that has transpired in the last 2 years has made the child I'm waiting for much more tangible than H ever was when she was a figment of our dreams.
And I wonder next year, what will Peanut be doing at the party? Will she be the one helping the scared little twins come out of their shell? Will Peanut be showing off the picture of her new baby sister waiting in Taiwan at the party with an expression of her opinions and viewpoints on everything going on? I do know she again will not be the child that attended that party yesterday...
Perhaps some of you remember this story, most probably don't...but it's become woven into a point in time that for some reason apparently every year becomes a moment of reflection for me...
Our neighbor got pregnant with her 2nd (after giving up) the week we sent our dossier in to China. We had thought they'd "be coming home" the same time roughly, Peanut and her child-to-be. Well, obviously, with a 12/05 LID, that didn't happen. G was 18 months old by the time we got referral of Peanut. The timelines of this little boy's life stung me like few things stung me as the wait dragged out, I had two more surgeries due to the endo eating on my insides (culminating in a hysterectomy at the age of 33), and I felt that becoming a mama was never going to happen for me...
Two years ago, at his first birthday (which is what I posted about back then), not only was I still waiting the endless wait, with all kinds of rumors swirling and twisting in the air, and no end in sight, but also another drama-queen friend was there, knocked up with twins via ivf. She sat there and bitched all day about the trauma of having to carry these babies, and how expensive all this had been, and she hadn't had her teeth fixed before the pregnancy, and now the one root canal she had needed to do had become infected and they had to do it with a topical, cause, hello she was pregnant with twins, and obviously didn't have 2 brain cells to click together...she figured if she did the dental work, they wouldn't have the cash to get the ivf (hello? is this a sign?), so she opted to not have 7k in work done to her teeth, cause that's waaaay safer for all.
So, in my grown up way, with all my wits around me, I went next door to my house with some false pretense and sobbed my eyes out. And sobbed and grieved and sobbed some more. No matter how hard my friend had hoped for her 2nd, and this friend had endured infertility to get this pregnancy, I was pissed off and hurt. I felt somehow betrayed, tortured by these people having these kids and kids-to be. Probably the worst day ever of a one-week-under-2-years wait for Peanut.
Last year, G turned 2, and H was with us. She had been home 5 months and was a velcro baby. I was so proud to be carrying her into this party...my little girl (I was one of the mamas now!), in her little party dress. Our friends' family was all there oohing and aaahing over her, and it felt so good, after the year before's pain. Then I realized the absolute joy of seeing your child do something, attain a goal you've had for her...my little velcro baby went outside after a few hours with another neighbor friend and her little boy...she looked at me, and I said "if you want to go outside, you go with N"...and she did. And I felt myself beaming with pride. She was so brave. She was already learning to grow up...and even better, after 20 minutes, she came back inside and ran into my arms and squealed "mama!"
This year, G turned 3. He's independent and following the big boys etc, etc...H is more advanced "academically", but I see her socially behind where he was at at her age. What did I see yesterday? I saw a little girl hesitate at first, who still refuses to eat in groups other than small snacking, but then she warmed up, I saw her ask her dada for her swim suit (and after just a few seconds of hesitation about me staying at the party, she went home with him to get it), and run around on the slip n slide, and jump in the pool with the little kids and some of the bigger ones. I saw her let another neighbor hold her, a man who is gentle and kind, but with his booming voice scares the crap out of her. I saw G's dad get a hug from her, another man who's kind and caring towards her, but his height scares her. I saw a girl who says thank you to people, and one who climbed into the pile of kids watching presents opened with just a quick turn of the head to calculate my position. I saw a different child this year, one who is confident, smart, becoming articulate (she held discussions with many people who rarely hear her talk, and they understood her! woot! speech therapy!)...I saw the timid scared baby all washed out of her soul, I saw a strong confident little girl standing there...an opininated one (she was back in China too), but one who not only is confident enough to express her opinions clearly, but one who is learning to do it kindly (usually), and with some poise.
And me? I feel a different woman. A much stronger person, mentally and emotionally...between the endo trying to steal all quality of life, and the wait that we endured (more than I ever estimated in myself that I could handle)...a strong person who has been broken down and built back up. I was wobbly on my feet as a new mother, terrified of caring for this little one. Now, I'm confident, and sure of my steps with her. I have days where I can't wait for P to get home, but I feel very recently, that I've truly fully adjusted to motherhood...it can feel like a daily struggle sometimes - hell, she's 2, but not a struggle to find my bearings anymore. I don't know really how to explain it, I just feel zen about the whole thing now...
And here we are, a few days shy of 5 months into the wait for mei mei. A totally different wait, this time around. At this point last time, I was going bat-shit crazy. This time, I'm good, I know it'll almost for sure come. I know I can deal with the changes that we only had been warned about with IA, but never experienced at this point last time. I also know H isn't quite ready for mei mei to be here...in a year, yeah she will be. She's learning to share so nicely, but she's not ready to share me quite yet. All that has transpired in the last 2 years has made the child I'm waiting for much more tangible than H ever was when she was a figment of our dreams.
And I wonder next year, what will Peanut be doing at the party? Will she be the one helping the scared little twins come out of their shell? Will Peanut be showing off the picture of her new baby sister waiting in Taiwan at the party with an expression of her opinions and viewpoints on everything going on? I do know she again will not be the child that attended that party yesterday...
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