The Different Family

Here's the question: Did any of us really think that we were really going to be looked at as different because our babes come from a far away land (or a nearby land), instead of down the mommy chute (well, my mommy chute, at least)? I clarify this question with the idea that I am not talking about race...yes, we'll be obvious once H is home. I'm speaking more fundamentally of course...H isn't here, and we still already different, not the same, don't count as much in many circles.

Girls Night was Friday night. Once a month, a group of 5-8 of us in the neighborhood get together, have a few martinins or glasses of wine, bullshit, and play stupid card games...oh, and eat our asses off. Something to absorb the alcohol, you know... :)

I think I've spoken of the 2 M's. M1 has two kids, and if you aren't a mommy, you don't count. M2 had ivf after complaining for years about not being able to have kids, but not doing anything about it. She didn't want to adopt because 1. She doesn't want to go on a plane for a day. 2. I secretly think that her hubby didn't want someone else's kid. Which is fine. Don't do it if you can't handle it. I don't understand it, but I am sooooo glad you accepted your limitations as a family.

Weeeeeellllll...M2 after all the years of not wanting to deal with it, had ivf and it was successful. She has twins. So she got that wish too. Turns out, a boy and a girl...her husband "had" to have a boy. So many discussions on gender there - but that can be for later...when I haven't posted in a few days, remind me of this, and you'll get me on my soapbox in no time.

The whole night M1 was all like "OK, you have to get this diaper bag, and this nipple, and this kind of diaper, and this kind of creme." Mind you M2 is totally overwhelmed, and has no idea what to do.

Do you think once M1 said anything to me to? No. N, another neighbor at some point leaned over to me, and said "I'm guessing October may be your month?" That was it all night. And there were some eyerolls at M1's over the top interest, especially as she has not had too much interest in M2 until the pregnancy. Mind you also, M2 didn't count until she became a mommy-trainee in M1's eyes. No kid means you aren't a real family.

But it dawned on me: There are now "real babies" coming. My friends love me, they are happy for me, but they are weary with the wait too, I'm sure. I vascilate between bringing H up, cause it keeps her spirit alive, and not mentioning her, just cause it is easier in my heart and spirit in some ways. But H is no...well, I can't "letter" them yet, as they can't agree on names...I guess "B&G" for boy and girl. She just can't compare somehow.

Now there is a pregnancy in the 'hood. There is excitement and anticipation. They can see her belly grow and listen to tales of sleepless nights. I have sleepless nights too, sometimes a lot of them, but I think it's assumed that those are less painful. Moreso, I just don't think they think I have nights like that too. It seems that many peole think this is like waiting for our new sofa to be delivered - it'll be awesome when it comes. There's no squished kidney or feet jabbing into my small intestine. But there is a hole in my heart, and sometimes I want to curl in a fetal position because of the pain, ironically enough. I think it's just that we will always be different now. Regardless of if H is Chinese, Vietnamese, Russian or Midwestern. We just aren't a "normal" family, and will never be, as I think most people really just look at us and think we are admirable for taking someone else's kid. Since the announcement of B&G, H has been forgotten. H is already "the adopted kid."

Maybe there will be excitement when she shows up. But it'll probably be around the birth of B&G, so I don't think most people will notice. Not when there are itty bitty brand new homegrown newborn toes and newborn smell to be visited.

Will H vomit on me when she is sick? Will she someday cry for me when I leave her with Grandpa to go out for our anniversary? Will I get a call when she mouths off to the teacher? Will I be the one that makes a goofy, lopsided cake for her birthday? Then how is she any different than B&G?

I just want H to count. I don't want her to be "the adopted kid." I don't want her to be overshadowed by the miracle of ivf twins. She's going to be a miracle also, after 22-24 months of waiting...I don't want her to be the charity case. She's just my daughter. And I don't want people to be less excited about her.

20 Months

Unlike my normal modus operandi, this is going to be brief.

Today, we've been waiting 20 months for spunky little H.

Doesn't that say it all?

Hummmm...my agency still hasn't called me to tell me that the wait has been extended, so we must be on #2 by now, huh? They told us 6-8 months, 9-10 at most...that's a rant for another day.

Every day more info comes out, more rumors, more discussions people are having with their SWs and agencies, and every day I question more and more: Will we ever get H? Should we have 'jumped ship" this time last year (I couldn't have, I don't think, I love H too much, and our stinky agency won't allow concurrent)? We discussed this leading up to my birthday last year, and I told P I wanted it to be the last year I wasn't a mommy on my bday. We both thought it laughable that there could be another one. Hrrmmmppphhhh. Well, I don't hold out too much hope for the next week or so to change everything...

And we are still looking at, what, a 4 month window for referral???

What did I do to bring this kind of karma down on me? Moreso, what did H do to have karma bite her in the Pamper Cruiser to not only be abandoned, but have to wait longer than necessary to get a family? Assuming that she's alive and waiting, of course...I'm not innocent, some religion's God may be punishing me somewhere, but what about H?

OK, not as brief as I intended, but I guess H deserves us to think of her for a few minutes today...

Do I Have The Right Stuff?

I was having a weird train of thoughts the last couple of days, which have culminated in this dribbling out of my brain:

I had offhandly posted that I wouldn't want my parents to not be divorced in my little Tidbits About Me post...and that is true - they are as different as night and day. That got me to thinking back to when P and I were engaged. His parents were less than thrilled...it wasn't me - I believe it would have been anyone taking their baby away. Anyways, I digress. The point of that path was, at one point, they told P that one reason they weren't happy with the engagement was that I was more likely to get divorced because my parents were.

I really believe that it either has no effect on the chances, and if it does, it would lessen them, because I remember it, and I would want to avoid everything that went on...but anyways...

There was a value judgement there - that it is bad to be divorced. And that it's bad for the families if the parents divorce. I don't disagree, that it isn't ideal, but I don't see it as Earth-shattering, as so many people see it to be. I always had my mom, and my Dad. They weren't in the same house, but they were both there. I talked to my Dad almost every day, when I got home from school. Now, I was lucky - I had probably the most friendly divorced parents in the history of the world. They shared a lawyer. My Dad just wanted out, he wasn't going to fight. My mom doesn't fight, she keeps it in. I would have been much more miserable living with both of them, knowing about what was going on etc...

And I know all situations aren't like that.

But the 2nd half of that judgement on my in-laws part was that if we had kids, it would be bad. And that my parents were bad parents for "doing this to me."

So then my brain started going to the fact that I had to take O&E in to the vet today for their annuals. (Yes, my brain ties things together like this.) I hate it. They look so sad in their crates. They yowl in sadness. E cowers as she gets her shot, and she gets a high fever afterwards. But I do it. I'm a good cat-mommy. I climbed under the bed today to get her when the tornado sirens were going off. O had already been deposited in the basement. I came back to get her again and again, until I got her out from under the bed. The chances of the tornado hitting us are small, but I can't risk it. She has a soul like me - I "risked" my life to get her in the basement against her wishes, because it's my job.

All this rambling goes to - how will I know I'm going to be a good Mom? Do I have it in me? Is there any way to know ahead of time that I'm not going to screw up H royally? Is there a litmus test to say that I am at least not totally devoid of the qualities that will make a good parent?

By my in-laws reckoning, my Dad was a bad parent. He left me. He married again. We had our rough patches, of course, but he was there for me in more ways than most parents are...we every weekend talked during the hour to his house and the hour back to mine, one on one. He taught me about football, and threatened to put on a prom dress to try it on, cause he thought I'd look really good in it, if I wouldn't, in Marshall Fields. He taught me to sing like the Temptations, hand motions and all. He discussed world events with me for my high school essays. He took time out of every day at the company (Now my Happy Workland), in the middle of the busiest part of the day, to talk to me for 20 minutes, when I got home from school. How was he a bad Dad? He even let me work thru my anger in middle school and play the games of cancelling on him last minute because I for about 6 months thought he had been wrong "for leaving us." I've seen my inlaws on the other hand - one uncle and aunt, lived together hating each other until the kids left for college....the uncle now hasn't seen his daughter for 3 years. But, by many people's judgement, he's a better Dad than mine.

I've hoped and dreamed and planned and studied for H for more years than I can count now. I've read the books that DCFS have required, and our agency has required. I've met and become friends with adoptive parents, regular parents, been friends with people of all cultures (before the adoption - I didn't pick these people to fill this role, like our agency suggests we should do)...I've jumped thru countless hoops...but, does any of that matter?

I have common sense, a world awareness, desire, and compassion. Is that enough? Where's my final I have to take soon - something to give me a passing grade that proves I've studied enough? Where's my diploma that says I'm ready? Is there such a thing as ready?

From chinaadoptionforecast.com

A quote, complete, from the http://www.chinaadoptionforecast/ site:
"The people receiving referrals now have waited about 21 months. If you are just putting in your dossier right now, we expect you will wait at least three years from the time your dossier is logged-in for a referral. This will make your total time to adopt from China, from initial decision to adopt until receiving a child, more than four years. It could well be five years or more. It is our strong recommendation that you avoid adopting from China if at all possible, as we believe that if you are pursuing adoption, it is probably because you are interested in having a child in less than five years. Domestic adoption and international adoption from other countries are likely to be much faster ways to have a family than adopting from China."

These people have been watching China's adoptions much longer than I have. But, I have to agree with what they say. Further on down, they say that they believe that if you type in a date rather far off from the current cutoff, and you get an extrapolation of more than 3 years, they don't believe it, because of one thing: Attrition. Yes, many many people in the adoption world believe that so many people will give up, take their ball, and go home, that it will at some point assist with the wait time coming back down. Sad, huh? That this process, the one that should be so exciting and rewarding, can turn into such a sad and frustrating experience, that people will not only give up a life dream, but also thousands of dollars because of how the game changed.

Last summer, I tried to talk P into going to Vietnam. He said no way, we'd be here a year later. H would be with us by now. Hrrrmph.

Let's see what chinaadoptionforecast says (And I think they are a wee bit optimistic for even someone who's just 20ish days away):

Quote:
Our best guess - a weighted average of recent CCAA velocities, guessing that CCAA will perform about as well in the future as they are performing now, but might return to previous trends: 2007-09-30
That's our best guess for when you might receive your referral. Just at a guess, we can suppose that the CCAA either speeds up or slows down significantly, and show you those dates. If they speed up: 2007-09-09. And if they slow down: 2008-01-02.

And, that's not including travel folks. Yes, we have for sure ruled out yet another calendar year.

I find it so sad:
1. That this is not a joyful process anymore. It should be. This should be my (and everyone else's) glowing pregnancy days.
2. That the most respected IA program in the world is not anymore. On the whole, I think China does right by the kids it puts up for IA - they do their best to keep high ethics.
3. The reason for all this is politics of some sort. Why, we don't know, cause 3b. They won't tell anyone anything. If I was waiting for H to be abandoned, for a child to not have a home, I could not complain. That is not the case. The case is that China wants to save face. I respect the notion of face, that it is their culture, but as a Westerner, I cannot fathom living life by living that way. The idea that I can lie to someone not of the same standing because I don't think they have the right to ask for the truth? (That's just a small part of it, it's more complex than that, but this is a facet of it) That I do not get. And that children will grow up without mothers and fathers because the view that it isn't good to "let" that many kids into the IA program, well, you don't want to hear my words for that.
4. China took so long to put rules into place. The first 1/2 month came in November or October of 2005. That's 22 months ago. They knew about what they thought of as "too many applicants" at least 6 months before that. They put rules into effect May 1 2007. That's 24 or 25 months before they changed the rules to slow applications down. That's too many people that did not go into this with eyes open. Yes, there were the ones in 07 rushing to beat the new rules - they signed up for this. So many of us didn't.

OK, getting down off my apple crate and catching my breath...

Cutoff: November 21, 2005

7 days worth of LIDs were cleared this month. 7 days of lucky parents that got their babies pics. They are so lucky. They got to get off this rollercoaster after only, what, 21 months?!? (Insert sarcastic eyeroll here)

We'll be at 20 months in a bit over a week here.

We're at 23 LID days between here and H.

23 measly days.

Which will equal, what? 3(if we're lucky)-5 months more wait.

Hummmm....when we first started, we were told 6-8 months, not more than 10....

Must be that New Math they do these days. Or it's corporate/governmental accounting math - one of the two.

Must go keep it together now. So glad we are going to be getting out of Dodge here for a bit. It can't come soon enough.

PS Oh, and my mom called from vacation in Alaska last night. I told here they did another week, thru the 21st, trying to be positive, it was movement forward. She said, "what, of July"? Then she said, oh it'll probably be when you are on vacation. I said, no they only did a week this time, how can they clear a month next month? And then she got pissy with me. "I don't understand how this works - you make it so complicated"

How is a big line with everyone stacked up in order so difficult? I told her to have Aunt C explain it to her over a martini. Then she snapped back at me: "I don't need to count it down on a calendar - it'll happen when it happens, if it happens."

Gee, thanks.

Bite me mom.

Off to Happy Workland to drown my sorrows in conference calls.

Limbo, Limbo, Limbo!

We're essentially a month away, LID wise...once upon a time that meant, a month away from referral.

Har.

Har-dee-har-har.

The nursery has been done for a year. Yeah, egg on the face over that one...

When do I have to start really pushing P to get the info for daycare at his mega-corp office?

When do we sign up for daycare?

When do I have to start looking for a pediatrician? Or is that only overprotective parents that scout them out ahead of time?

Do I screw us by booking a vacation?

How can I sign up for daycare if I don't know H, what age she is, when she's coming home, and if she'll be able to be left, what shape she will be in?

But you have to sign up ahead, there's waiting lists...

Do I volunteer to host Christmas at my house? Will it be easier if she's here? Will it be easier to go elsewhere if she's here? If she's here...

Does P go on his offered business trip to a far away Asian land in December?

When do I plan the big end dates for my project here at Happy Workland?

When do I have to push boss/dad to get my replacement/assistant in here by? He's starting to ignore me on this point.

What do I tell the inlaws to get them off my back that my SIL really wants to become an auntie (cause it's all about her)?

We've been 3-7 months away for....oh...let me check my watch...17 months. If I'm being generous. I'm not. 19.5 months...the whole 19.5 months.

How much cereal should I buy to get me to referral if I go to Costco...how many tons do I need? What about shampoo and toothbrushes?

When should I plan for a last Girls Night Out before I'm a responsible mom type person?

Huh? Huh?

I think I just saw the bar drop one notch lower....how do I make it under it now???

Don't Have The Papers To Have An Opinion

I always dwell on the adoption and adoption-things around referral time. Can't help it. No matter how much you don't want The Wait to rule your life, by definition, it does.

Here's the scene:
About a week ago at the office, a bunch of the women are standing around in the lunchroom having a discussion about their children, and, mostly, and most importantly, other peoples children. i.e., they are giving their opinion on children not under their control, or aura of influence. My dad, who is my boss, and male, is also there for the first part of the discussion. I think it was triggered by something that someone was reading in the paper, which usually means it isn't good...

Everyone's freely exchanging ideas etc...the boss leaves. So now it's "The Moms" only. I've been standing on the sidelines, but doing the nod or head shake, small comments of agreements.

I come up with a point that I want to bring up. As I open my mouth and start to speak, one of the women says "Now, remember you don't have a kid yet, so think about what you are going to say."

What?!?!??! What the hell!?!?

So, the fact that I've been planning to be a mom for, oh 2 years 2 months (well and the 3 years before that I was trying), you know, I've never thought about how I'm going to raise my child, I've never thought about how I see other people raise their children?!

What the hell - I've had 30 some odd years to just have a brain and think in general.

So, now I'm waiting for not only my first child, but the right to have a thought.

So, how long after H comes home, does my official registration of being a mom arrive? Does it come by Fed Ex, UPS, or courier pigeon? Do I have to file paperwork with the government? Department of Health and Family Services? Or is it a state run program?

Please, oh please...

I'm not a bargaining kind of woman. We agree or we don't agree. I'll compromise, but I won't bargain. Bargaining implies something I don't like, hard to put my thumb on it; compromise means I'm still in charge of my destiny, still on an even footing...bargaining feels weak and pitiful.

And with that said:
(Ahem)
Please please please to the powers that be, against all hope and all reason, please let this month of referrals not be disappointing. I cannot hope even for the level they were at at the beginning of this long wait, over 19 months ago, but please please do give us hope that we will still get some time with H this year. I've followed all your rules, filled out all your forms, done everything you have asked of me. I will honor her birth culture (and teach her to also), and feed her plenty of good Chinese cooking...

(Gulp, swallowing my pride)

And if you don't deem us honorable enough, please don't squash our hopes into so many tiny little pieces that we end up knowing that we won't even see what H looks like this year, in a tiny, possibly fuzzy little picture. We'll bring her back to China many times to see the beauty of her birth country...and teach her to be a strong and educated young woman.

(Oh, there was one last little bit left...gulp)

At least throw us a bone tomorrow...let a little trickle out, let us hear a squeak of a mouse. Let us know they will at least be coming soon. I'll make sure she works very hard on all her Mandarin homework...

I'm so ashamed of myself.