Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Referral Pictures
We have H's referral pictures that we received (2 years ago next week!) around the house. We have one framed upstairs on our dresser, and 2 on the refrigerator with about 5 other pictures. I'm thinking about removing them. As I scuttle around the house, especially now that the Christmas season is about us, I am really seeing the house a lot more than day-to-day. You know how it is - you just wander by things and don't really look. Which is really sad, cause we've filled the house with beautiful and memorable things, but, I digress...
When we got those photos...well, I could never ever imagine NOT seeing them everyday forever. They had been a fulfillment of years of waiting and hoping. Years of infertility before that. Pain, frustration, longing and lots of anger during the wait. I clutched those pics for the 2.5 months that we waited to go to Hunan. I lived and breathed by those 3 little pictures.
And now, when I see them, I feel next to nothing. I remember the excitement, and that's about it. And as I write that, it sounds horrible. But, that's not H in those pics. That's not the funny, obstinate-as-all-hell-and-just-as-smart drama queen. The one who has grown into loving gymnastics and Mandarin class. The one who will control all eating and bodily functions for days as a point of showing control. The one who snuggles up into my lap and says "no play mama...snuggle. The one who grins ear to ear when she knows all the letters on the signs of the stores and can make the letter sounds...The face in the pictures is a chubby infant face sticking out of a stuffed animal, and I really think it looks nothing like her. It's a living doll, propped up in poses for little 4x5s to be sent to an office as a stop-over to a world away from where she was as a petition to join a family. She looks blank in them. She looks like everything she is not - passive, cooperative of manipulation, bored, uninterested - in these photos.
I have sentimintality for these photos, but that's about it now. And that shocks me. People will tell me that I want to deny her history. No, I'm ok with that, that's how she came to us. Maybe it's a lack of memories associated with the photo. I've got a pic of her in Dada's arms at her first father's day. I have a pic of her at a local teaching farm in the field with a wildflower branch in her hand. I have a pic of her grinning ear to ear with a cookie...all these images, I remember, I can smell and hear what was happening when I look at them. Those are the ones I want to stop next to the coffee table and cherish.
When we got those photos...well, I could never ever imagine NOT seeing them everyday forever. They had been a fulfillment of years of waiting and hoping. Years of infertility before that. Pain, frustration, longing and lots of anger during the wait. I clutched those pics for the 2.5 months that we waited to go to Hunan. I lived and breathed by those 3 little pictures.
And now, when I see them, I feel next to nothing. I remember the excitement, and that's about it. And as I write that, it sounds horrible. But, that's not H in those pics. That's not the funny, obstinate-as-all-hell-and-just-as-smart drama queen. The one who has grown into loving gymnastics and Mandarin class. The one who will control all eating and bodily functions for days as a point of showing control. The one who snuggles up into my lap and says "no play mama...snuggle. The one who grins ear to ear when she knows all the letters on the signs of the stores and can make the letter sounds...The face in the pictures is a chubby infant face sticking out of a stuffed animal, and I really think it looks nothing like her. It's a living doll, propped up in poses for little 4x5s to be sent to an office as a stop-over to a world away from where she was as a petition to join a family. She looks blank in them. She looks like everything she is not - passive, cooperative of manipulation, bored, uninterested - in these photos.
I have sentimintality for these photos, but that's about it now. And that shocks me. People will tell me that I want to deny her history. No, I'm ok with that, that's how she came to us. Maybe it's a lack of memories associated with the photo. I've got a pic of her in Dada's arms at her first father's day. I have a pic of her at a local teaching farm in the field with a wildflower branch in her hand. I have a pic of her grinning ear to ear with a cookie...all these images, I remember, I can smell and hear what was happening when I look at them. Those are the ones I want to stop next to the coffee table and cherish.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Memories of Danny
We learned last night that we lost a long time friend...Dan was 35. He was P's childhood friend, and became the brother I never had when I started to date P. He was best man in our wedding.
I remember the first time I met Danny...I had heard so much about him already. P and I had been dating a few months, but were talking pretty seriously already...Danny called because he was coming back from LA to NY, as he was done with submarine duty for the M/M Academy, and wanted to know how far our university was from the airport. P pretty much ruled it out with the length of layover, and then Dan found out about me. Dan was determined to meet me once he heard that this was already pretty serious. With only about a 4.0 hour layover, he landed in ORD, came up to school, hung with us for about 2 hours, and then went back to the airport. That's how he was...he always was open, loving, outgoing, and a bit of a spur of the moment.
I remember the toast he gave at our wedding...beautiful and caring words that I never expected out of "just Danny." He was the brother I never had...he was the brother P never had. I remember Danny three way calling while we were in school, cause they figured out that the Academy only tested for long distance after 20 minutes, so he'd call and set a timer and then walk away, so our parents wouldn't yell at us about phone bills, the summer P and I were living 5 states apart. He would do that when he called us too - we'd talk the three of us for 3 hours easily, in 19 minute increments. I remember Dan calling drunk from a bar in NY, because a pop star from the 80's that he had had a crush on in the day had walked into the bar...I remember him flying out for a surprise party for P's masters. In a snowstorm, coming in 3 hours late. But he never gave up coming. I loved seeing P's and his faces that weekend, having them back together again, having a great time. I remember the fear we felt on 9/11, not knowing where he was for hours, he was a freelance consultant, we just didn't know. He had been outside the city a bit still, thankfully. I still remember his voice when I picked up the phone. I can still hear it. I remember when I went to visit him in NY, back in college, and he so naively told the bum that I wasn't his girlfriend and the bum hit on me then...and I remember the time he almost lost an arm pulling me into the subway train during rush hour. I remember the pain he was in the time I spoke to him after his kidney was removed.
Over the years, Dan came and went. It wasn't unusual to not hear from him for a year. He was a single guy living in the city. In 2005, we got a call from him, he was having surgery. Kidney cancer. He was 31 at the time. I spent a lot of time on the phone with him then, and talking to his mom who moved to NY to see him thru the kidney removal. He bounced back quickly. He worked hard at it. He didn't want P and I to come, he wanted us to visit when he was well, and I was soon to have my first surgery for endo. We were for sure he'd be out to the house within 6 months. It never happened.
P last saw him a few years ago, when he took a business trip to NY. They went our for sushi and ran up a huge bill drinking and eating and talking. Danny's Dad had just passed, and it had hit him hard. Dan was talking about moving back to FL. He was admiring of our work on the adoption (we were still waiting), he shocked us by speaking of a desire to go and find a way to adopt as a single dad. We encouraged him, but as he moved closer to moving to FL, the talk faded away, and he did too.
Once he moved, he fell off the face of the Earth. Which we expected, that was how he was. We figured he'd resurface once he was settled in, once he had a job and was back in the groove. We were in the midst of H's adoption, that was the first email that he didn't respond to.
Did he move to FL knowing the cancer was back? Knowing it was the end? Did he go back and move into a home in rural FL to die? Did he purposefully keep that from us? Dan came and went, but we always reconnected. And as soon as we did, it was like no more than a week had passed.
Our lives have a big whole in them right now, a painful dark hole. And the only thing we have to fill it is regret. Regret we didn't find some way to check on him, that we didn't send more than an email every few months. Regret that life got in the way of the big picture when we realized something was up.
We always think there's another day. Now, there are no more days. All I can hope for is that some of the religions of the world out there are right, that there's going to be a child soon born that has the soul of a loving, kind, intelligent person who was well loved in this life and that that goodness is carried on. 35 years for this world to have had him wasn't enough.
Good bye Dan, we love you.
I remember the first time I met Danny...I had heard so much about him already. P and I had been dating a few months, but were talking pretty seriously already...Danny called because he was coming back from LA to NY, as he was done with submarine duty for the M/M Academy, and wanted to know how far our university was from the airport. P pretty much ruled it out with the length of layover, and then Dan found out about me. Dan was determined to meet me once he heard that this was already pretty serious. With only about a 4.0 hour layover, he landed in ORD, came up to school, hung with us for about 2 hours, and then went back to the airport. That's how he was...he always was open, loving, outgoing, and a bit of a spur of the moment.
I remember the toast he gave at our wedding...beautiful and caring words that I never expected out of "just Danny." He was the brother I never had...he was the brother P never had. I remember Danny three way calling while we were in school, cause they figured out that the Academy only tested for long distance after 20 minutes, so he'd call and set a timer and then walk away, so our parents wouldn't yell at us about phone bills, the summer P and I were living 5 states apart. He would do that when he called us too - we'd talk the three of us for 3 hours easily, in 19 minute increments. I remember Dan calling drunk from a bar in NY, because a pop star from the 80's that he had had a crush on in the day had walked into the bar...I remember him flying out for a surprise party for P's masters. In a snowstorm, coming in 3 hours late. But he never gave up coming. I loved seeing P's and his faces that weekend, having them back together again, having a great time. I remember the fear we felt on 9/11, not knowing where he was for hours, he was a freelance consultant, we just didn't know. He had been outside the city a bit still, thankfully. I still remember his voice when I picked up the phone. I can still hear it. I remember when I went to visit him in NY, back in college, and he so naively told the bum that I wasn't his girlfriend and the bum hit on me then...and I remember the time he almost lost an arm pulling me into the subway train during rush hour. I remember the pain he was in the time I spoke to him after his kidney was removed.
Over the years, Dan came and went. It wasn't unusual to not hear from him for a year. He was a single guy living in the city. In 2005, we got a call from him, he was having surgery. Kidney cancer. He was 31 at the time. I spent a lot of time on the phone with him then, and talking to his mom who moved to NY to see him thru the kidney removal. He bounced back quickly. He worked hard at it. He didn't want P and I to come, he wanted us to visit when he was well, and I was soon to have my first surgery for endo. We were for sure he'd be out to the house within 6 months. It never happened.
P last saw him a few years ago, when he took a business trip to NY. They went our for sushi and ran up a huge bill drinking and eating and talking. Danny's Dad had just passed, and it had hit him hard. Dan was talking about moving back to FL. He was admiring of our work on the adoption (we were still waiting), he shocked us by speaking of a desire to go and find a way to adopt as a single dad. We encouraged him, but as he moved closer to moving to FL, the talk faded away, and he did too.
Once he moved, he fell off the face of the Earth. Which we expected, that was how he was. We figured he'd resurface once he was settled in, once he had a job and was back in the groove. We were in the midst of H's adoption, that was the first email that he didn't respond to.
Did he move to FL knowing the cancer was back? Knowing it was the end? Did he go back and move into a home in rural FL to die? Did he purposefully keep that from us? Dan came and went, but we always reconnected. And as soon as we did, it was like no more than a week had passed.
Our lives have a big whole in them right now, a painful dark hole. And the only thing we have to fill it is regret. Regret we didn't find some way to check on him, that we didn't send more than an email every few months. Regret that life got in the way of the big picture when we realized something was up.
We always think there's another day. Now, there are no more days. All I can hope for is that some of the religions of the world out there are right, that there's going to be a child soon born that has the soul of a loving, kind, intelligent person who was well loved in this life and that that goodness is carried on. 35 years for this world to have had him wasn't enough.
Good bye Dan, we love you.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Did Anyone Send Out a Search Party?
Random Dates of Reflection
Perhaps some of you remember this story, most probably don't...but it's become woven into a point in time that for some reason apparently every year becomes a moment of reflection for me...
Our neighbor got pregnant with her 2nd (after giving up) the week we sent our dossier in to China. We had thought they'd "be coming home" the same time roughly, Peanut and her child-to-be. Well, obviously, with a 12/05 LID, that didn't happen. G was 18 months old by the time we got referral of Peanut. The timelines of this little boy's life stung me like few things stung me as the wait dragged out, I had two more surgeries due to the endo eating on my insides (culminating in a hysterectomy at the age of 33), and I felt that becoming a mama was never going to happen for me...
Two years ago, at his first birthday (which is what I posted about back then), not only was I still waiting the endless wait, with all kinds of rumors swirling and twisting in the air, and no end in sight, but also another drama-queen friend was there, knocked up with twins via ivf. She sat there and bitched all day about the trauma of having to carry these babies, and how expensive all this had been, and she hadn't had her teeth fixed before the pregnancy, and now the one root canal she had needed to do had become infected and they had to do it with a topical, cause, hello she was pregnant with twins, and obviously didn't have 2 brain cells to click together...she figured if she did the dental work, they wouldn't have the cash to get the ivf (hello? is this a sign?), so she opted to not have 7k in work done to her teeth, cause that's waaaay safer for all.
So, in my grown up way, with all my wits around me, I went next door to my house with some false pretense and sobbed my eyes out. And sobbed and grieved and sobbed some more. No matter how hard my friend had hoped for her 2nd, and this friend had endured infertility to get this pregnancy, I was pissed off and hurt. I felt somehow betrayed, tortured by these people having these kids and kids-to be. Probably the worst day ever of a one-week-under-2-years wait for Peanut.
Last year, G turned 2, and H was with us. She had been home 5 months and was a velcro baby. I was so proud to be carrying her into this party...my little girl (I was one of the mamas now!), in her little party dress. Our friends' family was all there oohing and aaahing over her, and it felt so good, after the year before's pain. Then I realized the absolute joy of seeing your child do something, attain a goal you've had for her...my little velcro baby went outside after a few hours with another neighbor friend and her little boy...she looked at me, and I said "if you want to go outside, you go with N"...and she did. And I felt myself beaming with pride. She was so brave. She was already learning to grow up...and even better, after 20 minutes, she came back inside and ran into my arms and squealed "mama!"
This year, G turned 3. He's independent and following the big boys etc, etc...H is more advanced "academically", but I see her socially behind where he was at at her age. What did I see yesterday? I saw a little girl hesitate at first, who still refuses to eat in groups other than small snacking, but then she warmed up, I saw her ask her dada for her swim suit (and after just a few seconds of hesitation about me staying at the party, she went home with him to get it), and run around on the slip n slide, and jump in the pool with the little kids and some of the bigger ones. I saw her let another neighbor hold her, a man who is gentle and kind, but with his booming voice scares the crap out of her. I saw G's dad get a hug from her, another man who's kind and caring towards her, but his height scares her. I saw a girl who says thank you to people, and one who climbed into the pile of kids watching presents opened with just a quick turn of the head to calculate my position. I saw a different child this year, one who is confident, smart, becoming articulate (she held discussions with many people who rarely hear her talk, and they understood her! woot! speech therapy!)...I saw the timid scared baby all washed out of her soul, I saw a strong confident little girl standing there...an opininated one (she was back in China too), but one who not only is confident enough to express her opinions clearly, but one who is learning to do it kindly (usually), and with some poise.
And me? I feel a different woman. A much stronger person, mentally and emotionally...between the endo trying to steal all quality of life, and the wait that we endured (more than I ever estimated in myself that I could handle)...a strong person who has been broken down and built back up. I was wobbly on my feet as a new mother, terrified of caring for this little one. Now, I'm confident, and sure of my steps with her. I have days where I can't wait for P to get home, but I feel very recently, that I've truly fully adjusted to motherhood...it can feel like a daily struggle sometimes - hell, she's 2, but not a struggle to find my bearings anymore. I don't know really how to explain it, I just feel zen about the whole thing now...
And here we are, a few days shy of 5 months into the wait for mei mei. A totally different wait, this time around. At this point last time, I was going bat-shit crazy. This time, I'm good, I know it'll almost for sure come. I know I can deal with the changes that we only had been warned about with IA, but never experienced at this point last time. I also know H isn't quite ready for mei mei to be here...in a year, yeah she will be. She's learning to share so nicely, but she's not ready to share me quite yet. All that has transpired in the last 2 years has made the child I'm waiting for much more tangible than H ever was when she was a figment of our dreams.
And I wonder next year, what will Peanut be doing at the party? Will she be the one helping the scared little twins come out of their shell? Will Peanut be showing off the picture of her new baby sister waiting in Taiwan at the party with an expression of her opinions and viewpoints on everything going on? I do know she again will not be the child that attended that party yesterday...
Perhaps some of you remember this story, most probably don't...but it's become woven into a point in time that for some reason apparently every year becomes a moment of reflection for me...
Our neighbor got pregnant with her 2nd (after giving up) the week we sent our dossier in to China. We had thought they'd "be coming home" the same time roughly, Peanut and her child-to-be. Well, obviously, with a 12/05 LID, that didn't happen. G was 18 months old by the time we got referral of Peanut. The timelines of this little boy's life stung me like few things stung me as the wait dragged out, I had two more surgeries due to the endo eating on my insides (culminating in a hysterectomy at the age of 33), and I felt that becoming a mama was never going to happen for me...
Two years ago, at his first birthday (which is what I posted about back then), not only was I still waiting the endless wait, with all kinds of rumors swirling and twisting in the air, and no end in sight, but also another drama-queen friend was there, knocked up with twins via ivf. She sat there and bitched all day about the trauma of having to carry these babies, and how expensive all this had been, and she hadn't had her teeth fixed before the pregnancy, and now the one root canal she had needed to do had become infected and they had to do it with a topical, cause, hello she was pregnant with twins, and obviously didn't have 2 brain cells to click together...she figured if she did the dental work, they wouldn't have the cash to get the ivf (hello? is this a sign?), so she opted to not have 7k in work done to her teeth, cause that's waaaay safer for all.
So, in my grown up way, with all my wits around me, I went next door to my house with some false pretense and sobbed my eyes out. And sobbed and grieved and sobbed some more. No matter how hard my friend had hoped for her 2nd, and this friend had endured infertility to get this pregnancy, I was pissed off and hurt. I felt somehow betrayed, tortured by these people having these kids and kids-to be. Probably the worst day ever of a one-week-under-2-years wait for Peanut.
Last year, G turned 2, and H was with us. She had been home 5 months and was a velcro baby. I was so proud to be carrying her into this party...my little girl (I was one of the mamas now!), in her little party dress. Our friends' family was all there oohing and aaahing over her, and it felt so good, after the year before's pain. Then I realized the absolute joy of seeing your child do something, attain a goal you've had for her...my little velcro baby went outside after a few hours with another neighbor friend and her little boy...she looked at me, and I said "if you want to go outside, you go with N"...and she did. And I felt myself beaming with pride. She was so brave. She was already learning to grow up...and even better, after 20 minutes, she came back inside and ran into my arms and squealed "mama!"
This year, G turned 3. He's independent and following the big boys etc, etc...H is more advanced "academically", but I see her socially behind where he was at at her age. What did I see yesterday? I saw a little girl hesitate at first, who still refuses to eat in groups other than small snacking, but then she warmed up, I saw her ask her dada for her swim suit (and after just a few seconds of hesitation about me staying at the party, she went home with him to get it), and run around on the slip n slide, and jump in the pool with the little kids and some of the bigger ones. I saw her let another neighbor hold her, a man who is gentle and kind, but with his booming voice scares the crap out of her. I saw G's dad get a hug from her, another man who's kind and caring towards her, but his height scares her. I saw a girl who says thank you to people, and one who climbed into the pile of kids watching presents opened with just a quick turn of the head to calculate my position. I saw a different child this year, one who is confident, smart, becoming articulate (she held discussions with many people who rarely hear her talk, and they understood her! woot! speech therapy!)...I saw the timid scared baby all washed out of her soul, I saw a strong confident little girl standing there...an opininated one (she was back in China too), but one who not only is confident enough to express her opinions clearly, but one who is learning to do it kindly (usually), and with some poise.
And me? I feel a different woman. A much stronger person, mentally and emotionally...between the endo trying to steal all quality of life, and the wait that we endured (more than I ever estimated in myself that I could handle)...a strong person who has been broken down and built back up. I was wobbly on my feet as a new mother, terrified of caring for this little one. Now, I'm confident, and sure of my steps with her. I have days where I can't wait for P to get home, but I feel very recently, that I've truly fully adjusted to motherhood...it can feel like a daily struggle sometimes - hell, she's 2, but not a struggle to find my bearings anymore. I don't know really how to explain it, I just feel zen about the whole thing now...
And here we are, a few days shy of 5 months into the wait for mei mei. A totally different wait, this time around. At this point last time, I was going bat-shit crazy. This time, I'm good, I know it'll almost for sure come. I know I can deal with the changes that we only had been warned about with IA, but never experienced at this point last time. I also know H isn't quite ready for mei mei to be here...in a year, yeah she will be. She's learning to share so nicely, but she's not ready to share me quite yet. All that has transpired in the last 2 years has made the child I'm waiting for much more tangible than H ever was when she was a figment of our dreams.
And I wonder next year, what will Peanut be doing at the party? Will she be the one helping the scared little twins come out of their shell? Will Peanut be showing off the picture of her new baby sister waiting in Taiwan at the party with an expression of her opinions and viewpoints on everything going on? I do know she again will not be the child that attended that party yesterday...
Friday, June 5, 2009
National Doughnut Day & Time Slipping Away...
According to MSN, bringer of every piece and tidbit of important, earth-shattering news, it's National Doughnut Day. Mind you, I love a sugar bomb of carb goodness like everyone else. Sometimes, I get a craving for the twinkie-filled doughnuts that Kr**py Kr*m* used to carry around here, and was stoked even more when the local doughnut shop, which churns out amazing doughnuts, copied and improved upon this treat. But, I eat them rarely, cause I'm entering the mid-30's this year, and my family genetics isn't kind to my backside as it is.
But, seriously, our gov't spends tons of money convincing us to eat healthier, to make our kids do stupid tests that supposedly test healthfulness (yeah, I remember when they started that...holding your chin above a bar only tests your threshold for pain, not if your ticker is good.), threaten to sue/ban/put on 40 foot billboard how unhealthy so much food is, but then there's a National Doughnut Day? I mean, some National Horse Puckey Day usually overlaps with National Pick Your Nose Day, but I just don't get the message...and I don't get why any government takes the time to worry about this bullshit. Oh yes...contributions to campaign funds. Well, I guess I just lost the doughnut & horse puckey union for thousands towards my campaign in 3 years...
Crazy old-lady with her robe open rant done...
On another front, I've broken down and I'm starting to work on The Peanut's photo albums. I'm not doing the China trip yet, I still don't know how to tackle that. I'm making it into a bigger deal than it should be, but there's so much emotion locked up with those pics. So I'm starting at her first days here, and moving forward...so the short version is, I've been going thru pics from March 1- approx May 31 2008 - slightly over a year ago...
Already, I don't know this baby in these pics. I don't remember how we went thru the days with her, she is so tiny (well, not really, but...relatively...), so helpless, so overcome, so shy and cautious. So very much not my opininated, stubborn, bright - wickedly bright, gregarious, loving child is now. It feels like a million years ago. Here, now, we are working on kicking the straw sippys, the crib is coming down within the next few weeks, we're showing an interest in the potty, are completely sure of ourselves and our opinions on everything, and willing to defy authority to express our opinion. And it's only been a year...what's it going to be like looking back at these in 2, 3, 7 years?!?! Will I remember how it was to go upstairs and have her giggle hilariously that she opened the door by reaching over her crib and jumped up and down to see me? Or will that be a dusty memory too quick and we'll be living in a new moment, so far away that I can't even imagine it, but apparently much closer than I think it is?
I'm amazed at what my child has already accomplished, and I look forward to what she is going to accomplish, but for a few moments, I need a sit with a doughnut and relive in my brain the baby she was...
But, seriously, our gov't spends tons of money convincing us to eat healthier, to make our kids do stupid tests that supposedly test healthfulness (yeah, I remember when they started that...holding your chin above a bar only tests your threshold for pain, not if your ticker is good.), threaten to sue/ban/put on 40 foot billboard how unhealthy so much food is, but then there's a National Doughnut Day? I mean, some National Horse Puckey Day usually overlaps with National Pick Your Nose Day, but I just don't get the message...and I don't get why any government takes the time to worry about this bullshit. Oh yes...contributions to campaign funds. Well, I guess I just lost the doughnut & horse puckey union for thousands towards my campaign in 3 years...
Crazy old-lady with her robe open rant done...
On another front, I've broken down and I'm starting to work on The Peanut's photo albums. I'm not doing the China trip yet, I still don't know how to tackle that. I'm making it into a bigger deal than it should be, but there's so much emotion locked up with those pics. So I'm starting at her first days here, and moving forward...so the short version is, I've been going thru pics from March 1- approx May 31 2008 - slightly over a year ago...
Already, I don't know this baby in these pics. I don't remember how we went thru the days with her, she is so tiny (well, not really, but...relatively...), so helpless, so overcome, so shy and cautious. So very much not my opininated, stubborn, bright - wickedly bright, gregarious, loving child is now. It feels like a million years ago. Here, now, we are working on kicking the straw sippys, the crib is coming down within the next few weeks, we're showing an interest in the potty, are completely sure of ourselves and our opinions on everything, and willing to defy authority to express our opinion. And it's only been a year...what's it going to be like looking back at these in 2, 3, 7 years?!?! Will I remember how it was to go upstairs and have her giggle hilariously that she opened the door by reaching over her crib and jumped up and down to see me? Or will that be a dusty memory too quick and we'll be living in a new moment, so far away that I can't even imagine it, but apparently much closer than I think it is?
I'm amazed at what my child has already accomplished, and I look forward to what she is going to accomplish, but for a few moments, I need a sit with a doughnut and relive in my brain the baby she was...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
The Alcohol Story
I just can't let this one go - I just still can't believe it, and how, thru all of the crap my ILs put me thru in the past, I have never ever been embarrassed to be 'one of them' before like this...
So, the mother of the groom paid for the rehearsal dinner. There were almost 40 people there, and it was about $45 a head. So, a very nice dinner. She's a single mom of 3 grown kids - a kindergarten teacher. Nice lady. I know this was a lot of money for her...hell, it should be considered a lot of money for anyone...upwards of $1500 or more?!
So, the first full day we are in the state of the wedding, we go to lunch with SIL (the bride to be extraordinaire), MIL, FIL and the three of us. We got P's tux, yada yada yada. We get back to the house, and the three of them have a martini while H naps. So, like, 2:30 in the afternoon, which to me, for just sitting around the house is a bit early, but that's just me.
Then MIL starts on about how, although they think the restaurant is charging too much for the alcohol, they think the groom's mother should be paying for the alcohol. They say that the least she should do is pay for a glass of wine for everyone to toast with. This gets my MIL on a tangent for over an hour about how "this isn't how our family does this" etc etc etc, and that SIL has to get groom to get his mother to explain to every...single...person...what she's doing, because "our friends" won't get it. Yeah, you are decently well off, but come on - if you were paying for this too, you'd be squirming.
Then the groom calls SIL, and she dutifully relays all this to groom. Aggressively to the groom...I feel bad for him - he's now between her and his mother the day before the wedding. She has told him she will not pay for the alcohol straight out, multiple times apparently. Then I ask her, if she cares so much, why not pay for it herself with the groom. Her answer?! "Well, not that it really matters (which always means it does), she would kinda be getting the credit for it when we were the ones paying". WTF?
MIL decides that she won't drink anything as a sign of protest. P and I are feeling it's not worth drinking because, well, we have a lot to do the next day with the wedding and all, and we're tired. So the tangents continue into the afternoon. FIL is strangely silent. Smart man.
We get to the restaurant, and everything is fine. The waitstaff tell us that x, y and z are included. Everyone is fine with this. It's common. One of the IL's friends makes a loud and obnoxious comment about the jack daniel's sauce for the bread pudding: "I thought there was no alcohol at this event!" So, apparently, MIL spent the socializing time before dinner telling her friends how embarassed and ashamed she is of this to cause the friend to mouth off about it?!?!
We left "early" at 9pm cause The Peanut was cooked. So the next morning, we hear how the rest of the party went...I guess the waiters came around at the end to collect for the adult beverages that were purchased and the same friend (who is obscenely rich, btw), stands up and says "clearly so that everyone knew what a nice thing he was doing"(quoting my MIL) (humility is not valued a lot in this family apparently) that he was "sick of this nickel and diming crap" and that he was going to pay it all.
I asked if the grooms mother heard this. MIL didn't seem to see what I was worried about...she said "If not, I made sure bride knew, so that she could get groom to let his mom know what a nice thing friend did."
Ummmm...saying that your host that just spent over $1500 on dinner is nickeling and diming isn't a "nice thing." It's being a show-off rich prick. And the info to set him off was fed to him, I'm pretty sure on purpose, by the pissy off MIL.
I feel so bad for groom's mom...I didn't get to talk to her a lot, but she seemed really nice. And even if she was a stark raving mad bitch, no one should be ungrateful like that. And apparently, most of my ILs were that night....
The rub of all this? When we got married 13 years ago, my ILs were such jerks about everything, because MIL didn't want me taking her baby away. P had to out and out ask them if they were going to offer to do anything (say, pay for the rehearsal or the bar tab or whatever) 2 months ahead (we were engaged for almost 2 years), because they weren't tactful enough to offer. They finally grudgingly offered to pay for the bar tab for the wedding...my mother and father ended up telling us to use the money for our honeymoon, because they didn't need something that was so unwillingly offered. Also, when my mother wrote a letter to MIL about x y and z with the wedding (one item being a memorial candle for her departed parents), she never even bothered to respond. But now, they are mad that their friends martinis aren't paid for. I don't like hypocrites.
I wasn't there, I was not a part of all this, but I'm embarrassed to ever see his mom again, how tactless our family and their friends acted...
So, the mother of the groom paid for the rehearsal dinner. There were almost 40 people there, and it was about $45 a head. So, a very nice dinner. She's a single mom of 3 grown kids - a kindergarten teacher. Nice lady. I know this was a lot of money for her...hell, it should be considered a lot of money for anyone...upwards of $1500 or more?!
So, the first full day we are in the state of the wedding, we go to lunch with SIL (the bride to be extraordinaire), MIL, FIL and the three of us. We got P's tux, yada yada yada. We get back to the house, and the three of them have a martini while H naps. So, like, 2:30 in the afternoon, which to me, for just sitting around the house is a bit early, but that's just me.
Then MIL starts on about how, although they think the restaurant is charging too much for the alcohol, they think the groom's mother should be paying for the alcohol. They say that the least she should do is pay for a glass of wine for everyone to toast with. This gets my MIL on a tangent for over an hour about how "this isn't how our family does this" etc etc etc, and that SIL has to get groom to get his mother to explain to every...single...person...what she's doing, because "our friends" won't get it. Yeah, you are decently well off, but come on - if you were paying for this too, you'd be squirming.
Then the groom calls SIL, and she dutifully relays all this to groom. Aggressively to the groom...I feel bad for him - he's now between her and his mother the day before the wedding. She has told him she will not pay for the alcohol straight out, multiple times apparently. Then I ask her, if she cares so much, why not pay for it herself with the groom. Her answer?! "Well, not that it really matters (which always means it does), she would kinda be getting the credit for it when we were the ones paying". WTF?
MIL decides that she won't drink anything as a sign of protest. P and I are feeling it's not worth drinking because, well, we have a lot to do the next day with the wedding and all, and we're tired. So the tangents continue into the afternoon. FIL is strangely silent. Smart man.
We get to the restaurant, and everything is fine. The waitstaff tell us that x, y and z are included. Everyone is fine with this. It's common. One of the IL's friends makes a loud and obnoxious comment about the jack daniel's sauce for the bread pudding: "I thought there was no alcohol at this event!" So, apparently, MIL spent the socializing time before dinner telling her friends how embarassed and ashamed she is of this to cause the friend to mouth off about it?!?!
We left "early" at 9pm cause The Peanut was cooked. So the next morning, we hear how the rest of the party went...I guess the waiters came around at the end to collect for the adult beverages that were purchased and the same friend (who is obscenely rich, btw), stands up and says "clearly so that everyone knew what a nice thing he was doing"(quoting my MIL) (humility is not valued a lot in this family apparently) that he was "sick of this nickel and diming crap" and that he was going to pay it all.
I asked if the grooms mother heard this. MIL didn't seem to see what I was worried about...she said "If not, I made sure bride knew, so that she could get groom to let his mom know what a nice thing friend did."
Ummmm...saying that your host that just spent over $1500 on dinner is nickeling and diming isn't a "nice thing." It's being a show-off rich prick. And the info to set him off was fed to him, I'm pretty sure on purpose, by the pissy off MIL.
I feel so bad for groom's mom...I didn't get to talk to her a lot, but she seemed really nice. And even if she was a stark raving mad bitch, no one should be ungrateful like that. And apparently, most of my ILs were that night....
The rub of all this? When we got married 13 years ago, my ILs were such jerks about everything, because MIL didn't want me taking her baby away. P had to out and out ask them if they were going to offer to do anything (say, pay for the rehearsal or the bar tab or whatever) 2 months ahead (we were engaged for almost 2 years), because they weren't tactful enough to offer. They finally grudgingly offered to pay for the bar tab for the wedding...my mother and father ended up telling us to use the money for our honeymoon, because they didn't need something that was so unwillingly offered. Also, when my mother wrote a letter to MIL about x y and z with the wedding (one item being a memorial candle for her departed parents), she never even bothered to respond. But now, they are mad that their friends martinis aren't paid for. I don't like hypocrites.
I wasn't there, I was not a part of all this, but I'm embarrassed to ever see his mom again, how tactless our family and their friends acted...
Monday, May 25, 2009
You Know...
You know you're visiting waaaay South of the Mason-Dixon when:
- The police drive pickup trucks...with crosses/rosaries dangling from the rearview mirror.
- It's socially acceptable to have a molded plastic dolphin mailbox holder (that crafty dolphin has learned to hold your electric bill with his flippers! Smart marine mammal! Have a mackeral!) in front of your 500k+ beachfront home.
- People say "I got my nails done at the Vietnamese place" and everyone, even from 30 minutes drive away, knows who and where you are talking about.
- Everyone in the discussion also knows at least 5 other people who have had dealings with them - either of two ways: a. They are really 'actually' rather lovely people, or, x y and z strange things happen, well, because, you know...
- It's acceptable to go to the grocery store with no shirt on.
- You walk your pet goat along the expressway to get it some excercise.
- You dust people if you go the speed limit.
- It gets quiet in the restaurant lobby when you walk in with your adopted child.
- There's minimum 2 bbq places in every strip mall, and you count one faux-Chinese restaurant in all of 3 towns.
- There's golf cart dealerships every few miles. They are packed on Saturday. You wonder how many sell when the economy isn't in the crapper.
- There's a general consensus that Bush should be offered an honorary 3rd term.
- You see Mercedes sporting Confederate Flag bumper stickers.
You know you are at a Southern Wedding:
- When people you don't know, and have never heard of, know intimate details of your life.
- And they hug you. Repeatedly. More than family.
- There's grits served at the pre-wedding luncheon, even if it's in a million dollar beachfront condo. They were fancy though - they were cheezzzzz gggrrrittts.
- The bride wears blue eyeshadow.
- And blue mascara.
- Strange men at the wedding feel a need to call you little lady and tell you things while winking at you.
- You see the bartender look at you funny when you ask if they have viognier wine.
- The wedding is at a high end swanked out golf course, and the flowers came from Ace Hardware.
- Photography takes 4.5 hours pre-wedding. That's after they take professional pics of the dress...on the hanger.
- One (brides) family gets offended the other (grooms) family won't pay for the drinks at the rehearsal dinner they are hosting, because "our family" expects it, we don't "do it" that way. Hours of discussion amongst the head hens of the family occur. Correction: Days of discussion.
- Family friends get involved in righting the wrong of the drink debacle.
- Someone makes a comment that it's nice that the bride included her niece's culture by serving mini-eggrolls at the cocktail hour before dinner.
You know you are at a Family Wedding:
- When your SIL, the bride, talks about the most expensive gifts she got. And you know nothing about the other gifts.
- Your MIL feels it was her duty to tell the bride and the groom about the gift you spent 2 months making for them, even though you specifically asked her to keep it a secret.
- You call your friend back home at least twice, and she answers with "what did they do", and you answer with "how much bail money would you be able to raise?!"
- You seriously consider committing 8 major felonies and 7 misdemeanors in the course of 3 days, but for family harmony, you desist.
- You feel like a crappy stepped on doormat at the end of the event.
- You wish you could keep the groom, and really truly "give away" the bride.
Ahhh, there's no where like midwest suburbia...
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