2 Years Ago Yesterday...

Two amazing souls came into this world, 1/2 a world away from us. They had a hard start in life, losing their birth family, but happily, they got to keep each other. Last year, they were referred to my amazing friend A, and her husband A, at the end of September. They brought them back to the US on the 1 year anniversary of our LID in December. This is their first birthday at home.

These two girls are amazing. They are strong souls, they have grown and adapted so much in the last year or so that they have been home. One has a huge crush on P and can work him over like I never could. They are so smart, so inquisitive, so beautiful...this is XB analyzing (yes, it is) a ladybug.

I only wish that they understood what they have meant to all of us (and I'm just the faux-auntie!). The happiness I see in my friends' eyes when they watch them playing, and learning. I can see the joy, I can hear it when A calls me on her way home, to tell me about how they learned to do something... Seeing them grow and expand, I can do nothing but get excited about what it is going to be like to see H go thru the same transformation - to see her learn how to trust, to fill out as she catches up from institutional delays, learn what it is like to have a family. I can't wait to watch all three of them continue to grow into amazing young people.

How can you not love this?

It also makes me sad, to think what they have been thru in their short lives. To think about what H is going thru right now. It makes me wonder if any of us would have had the fortitude to survive and flourish like all these amazing kids have...See, when I have no time, and I'm slammed against the wall, I start daydreaming and getting all philisophical!

P is "the next state over" on business, and I emailed him that I had gone thru the pics from the girls and their mommy and daddy visiting last weekend, and I said, "it's obvious that you will be totally whipped by H." He asked why, and asked me to email him a few of the pics that A took with the camera...so I sent them over and asked "Why, do you need a baby fix?"

Do you know how emotional I am right now, waiting for the next batch? He emails back "Yeah, I've needed one for 2 years." Just started me crying...

Photos included with permission of Mommy A.

Belated Congrats, Mr Gore

Congrats to Mr Gore on winning the Nobel. It sends an important message. Even if I don't necessarily agree with everything the major environmental movements preach right now...

I don't buy the electric car thing yet...no one has seemed to prove that the reduction in emissions offsets the caustic production, and disposal of, the batteries, along with the environmental damage caused by the power plants that instead have to produce the power that is needed to fuel the battery...I do appreciate the theories, and the research, and the committment to trying to break our dependence on dirty fossil fuels though.

I don't believe in the black and white view on things like pesticides etc...I think there's a very important difference between use and responsible use. As with many things, there are many shades of gray.

I don't believe in absolute saving of every species in the world. I think at some point, if you believe in evolution (which I do), sometimes a species' time has come and gone. Before you all climb on me, I'm not saying all, ok? Of course, man has perpetuated many crimes against nature, but sometimes it just is time for it to happen. Dinosaurs would really f*** up traffic on the expressway during rush hour.

The reason I congratulate Mr Gore, and am glad that an environmentalist won is because it has brought the environmental cause back to the forefront, and back to the masses (a bit). It has made something that was dismissed by the current administration a voice again. More than anything, it has opened discussion. If there is no discussion, there are no answers. We need to innovate. We need to make more fuel efficient cars. We need to see ourselves as part of the world population - we need to agree with other countries to make this planet better. Kyoto? We have to revisit it. We have to stop spraying pesticides on everything because every grape has to look perfect. We don't need super-cows that produce double milk at the expense of chemicals polluting our milk supply. But we also need healthy cows, and grapes that are not tainted by e. coli. And we need industry and technological progress. I don't think we know most of the answers, and we won't ever know all of them probably. But with the cold shoulder of many government officials, and the gutting of monies for non-corporate research thru government agencies, Mr Gore has mobilized some of the masses...started the discussion...even if people don't agree with what he says, at least we're talking...

And that's where change starts...

The Throw Down...

I have been given a test/ultimatum/directive by "The Girls"...at Girls Night last night. My own Master of My Domain kinda thing...they want me to stay off the web sites pertaining to the adoption, specifically RQ, for 1 week.

And, holy crap, the rumors have just started to fly. They wanted me to stay off till girls night next month, but no way.

They told me it's for the best, it'll happen when it happens, I'm just torturing myself (I agree with points #2 and #3). They told me that when "my child" is ready, then we'll get the call. Personally, I don't believe in that. I would like to, but I don't.

I told them I couldn't go without the constant feed of info. That I need to feel like I'm in control. They told me that this is then a lesson I need to learn before becoming a mother.

They told me if I feel like I'm collapsing under the weight of it, come out and sit in my driveway with a glass of wine, and they'll come over and help me with the withdrawl symptoms.

Do I do this? Do I try? I don't think I can do it - not when I'm on the phone with a customer blathering away, or I've got the stress going at work, and I just want to see if something is up for 5 minutes. I'm tempted - I like to see if I can do things I can't. But I can't see myself making it, and I don't like to fail.

Do I step up for the challenge, or not?

Wishing the Days Away & Ulcers

I'm in a pensive mood. The weather here *sucks* the big one. Hot/overcase/cold/hot/rainy/repeat cycle. It's 15 degrees colder today than last. Tomorrow it'll be back up after another rain front comes thru. One of us will get a sinus infection.

The weather and Happy Workland don't help of course, neither do another of about 100 factors, some like crazy mothers that I've blogged about, but more than anything, I'm getting fed up with myself. Yes, I'm so bat-shit crazy with this wait, that I've turned my general loathing of a good percentage of how the world works out there right back on myself...

Hey, the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

I never even finished up my trip logs for y'all (haven't finished printing the pics out yet either)...I haven't done 2 major (well, not major, but pain in the rear factor is high) house projects that we have to do before H gets here. Haven't set up daycare (though I did research) etc etc etc...general malaise is the word for the day.

Worst though, I find myself waking up in the morning and instantly trying to think what the date is for the day (something I don't usually care about till I have to fill out a time sheet)...what's The Number???? Are we there yet P? Have we hit the magical 20's? Or better yet? The 30's? How close are we to getting our hopes and dreams dashed yet again by TATHMFF (The Agency That Holds My Family's Future - I think that's what I named it before, and well the malaise tells me to not go back and verify)? I almost shake - like I imagine a heroin addict shakes - before I get to RQ around lunch time, when I think, if there's going to be rumors, this is a good time for them.

Even more pathetic, I calculate and tally polls from RQ, I look at China Adoption Forecast etc etc...over and over again. Like something is going to change...I have the numbers of pollees cumulatively tallied next to each day on my printout of the polls, so I don't have to keep recalculating (at least I'm an efficient kook).

And, the biggest point of my own self-loathing: In doing all this (well, most off, I'm wasting brain cells and time), I don't even have an inkling of hope that this is The Month. I'm so pathetic, I wish amazing fantasys of the future, The Beginning Of November batch, but even then I can't wish us in! I dream of the 10th being in...surely that will set us up for December, right? I dream, at least the 9th, that'll get us 5 days away, we'll eek in. Even in my own fantasys, I don't get off this crazy-ass rollercoaster and start the next phase of my life! How pathetic am I? If I'm going to dream life away, shouldn't I be going for the big enchilada, in the sky? Nope not me...I'm too analytical, too beaten down, too realistic.

I'm trying in vain, in response to this phenomenon, to control my life. I want to plan the holidays. I want to go buy everything we need for the baby. I want to reorganize every closet. It drives me crazy P's business trip to Asia isn't being solidified. I'm not a gal that likes to free-float, so these last 22 months have been hell on the old psyche. A good lesson learned though, I think, though so brutally painful a lesson.

And the business trip...it's a long long ways away. Ergo, tickets are not cheap. I so want to go with him. Agency Of Hell (AOH) though didn't like the idea that P is going to be gone, even though they basically told me that they think we have a snowball's chance for December. But my agency does nothing more sophisticated than count on their fingers, "Nothing They Do Know", Yoda would tell me. So once the people planning this trip, once they get their heads out of their asses, do I throw caution to the wind, get the ticket no matter how much, and learn the lesson of just doing it. Not thinking of what can happen when? Do I try to stop in Japan on the way back and check another dream off my life list?

Let me check the poll numbers again and I'll get back to you...

I'm afraid to touch anything...

This has been a rough week...I had to go to a trade show this week on Monday and Tuesday. I hate being the face that talks to people...I'm a geeky database/web/analysis kinda girl. I had to schmooze people. I hate to schmooze. And then 1/2 the people who approached are people who are programmers, offering to help with our sites - hello? I'm demo'ing our apps. If I'm demo'ing them, I must like them, seeing as I'm trying to convince others that they are worthy of a look, right? Now, if you want to be the face person, we'll talk.

But, why am I afraid to touch anything? Well, let's see here...in our house this week, we've had these beloved family members die this week...no, correct that, on ONE day. The stapler, the paper shredder, and the oven. Yes, the oven. The giver of chocolate covered cookies and ooey gooey brownies, and coconut chocolate pecan pies. Dead. Narry a degree of warmth. Seems like an ignition switch issue. Microwaves hath not make an appropriate creme brulee!

Not that I need to eat...this has been my crack lately. Thanks, to the peeps in my travel group! When we went to China, we were going to have a group gathering a few weeks after we got back, so we bought giant bags of various Chinese candy. We came home and the next night divied it up 3-ways - one for my work, one for P's work, and one for the party. Well, the party didn't happen - most of the group had things crop up. Soooo...we decided to reschedule, and haven't yet. So, there's this giant bag of treats. Though it only cost about $5.00, max, I cannot, in good faith, knowing that there is some kind of sugary goodness in these things, let it go to waste. So I work thru these. I specifically adore the gooey sugary goop that is covered in sesame seeds. Have no idea what I'm eating. Don't care. Just know that it's pretty darn good for not having a lick of chocolate in it. I'm afraid to go in the cabinet - they are stashed there. I'm afraid to go to work, there's a stash there too...So, when I'm spilling into your seat on the trip to Beijing, don't blame me, ok?

BTW, is it the end of the month yet? Aggggggghhhhh...

Please Tell Me That I Was Adopted.

My mother and I do not see eye to eye on a lot of things...
Religion, Politics, What race of baby is best to adopt, Religion, What constitutes entertainment (not Barry Manilow and Frasier reruns), etc etc etc

The last 3 days, asides from feeling like I need an appendectomy, I've been putting up with/egging on an email fight with her.

I stupidly asked Mom and my Aunt if we were going to have a big family Christmas (or at least plan on it), seeing as we didn't have one last year. I got a tirade (from Mom) about how can I ask these things knowing about my Aunt's mom etc etc etc...All I did was ask 2 questions:
1. Are we thinking we want to even try
2. If so, as I was "supposed" to be the one to host last year, are they assuming that I will be the one to host this year?
I have gotten chastizing emails from my mom expounding on why it's stupid to ask so soon, cause someone could die, get the flu, or a big snowstorm could hit. My aunt emailed back 2 days later and said, yes, I hope so, here's the update on Mom, hope all is well with you, and if it ends up that you can't host, I'd be more than willing to.
Now, was that that hard?

Well, the email bitch-slap fest has devolved into discussion of the "A" word, and H. My mother has never liked the idea that I suggested that my Aunt (who of her own accord offered), not wait till we have a referral, but instead, when we get close, plan the shower she so kindly offered, and try and plan the date that hopefully we get referral right before said shower. Therefore we can do it relatively close, but not put the crazy all into the 6-8 weeks between referral and travel.

• My idea: know we are stinking close, pick shower date a week or 2 after expected referral, send out invites, pray that we get it that month. If not, everyone will know we are damn close.

Especially with the holidays coming up, I thought this was a good plan. The word my mother used is "asinine." She wants to wait till we get referral to even plan a day, and has told all the reasons that I am stupid to my aunt, so nothing is being planned.

So forget it, I don't want a shower.

So this further degraded into the emails where I expound on why I've been keeping my distance, because my mother is no support system what so ever...cause she keeps asking why I'm distant.
1. She was with us when we bought this awesome chair for H's room. Never did she say "oh, you'll have awesome memories of bedtime stories" - no she said "why are you spending the money, there's a couch in the other room."
2. She has never said anything about becoming a grandma - nothing to be excited.
3. When I told her we were finally to our month for referrals, the response was "oh."
4. She's already told me she's bought religious kids books for my kid and it is her plan to take her and enroll her in VBS. Didn't know why we would have a problem with this.

So, I pointed this out. She whips out the emotional blackmail that I rather have my inlaws involved in H's life than her.

This is the quote from the email, that shows how much she just doesn't get it:
"I'll be excited when I have something to be excited about - like when it becomes really real - like I know you are going and will return with my grandchild. Good God were we all suppose to be jumping up and down for joy the entire last 3 years??? what the h do you want from people?"
(no, she won't type the word "hell")

And then she finishes it up with:
"Now please don't take all this as a slam or lecture but an attempt to calm your misgivings and fears that the world is agaist you!"

Am I crazy, or is this crazy??? Have a good weekend y'all, I'm for sure staying away from her town, even if they say that's the only place in this country to have an appendectomy!

Mathamatics and Meteorology

OK, so I'm thinking about the wait....(duh!) and I'm calculating about the wait...over and over and over again.

Based on RQ's projections, we're iffy for December referral...the 2 year point.

Based on my projections, we're iffy for December referral too.

If they can pull off:
Dec 1-8, that's 97 by her new polls, much over the last batch, still conservative to the ones before that last crappy one.
THEN...
We'd be in with a 9-14 in December, with 98 returning on the polls.


If they go how they did last month, they either have to go below it or over at least 10%, which isn't hard to do with how small the # is:
Under, which is closer: Dec 1-6 - 56 returns on her poll
THEN...
7-9 for 68 returns on her poll
THEN...
10-14 for a total of 71 returns on her poll, gets us in in January.

To return to the previous #s...
Dec 1-9 - 124 poll returns
Dec10-19 - 104 poll returns, which would get us in in December.

Am I crazy yet???

So.....
X is us, or the amount needed to get to us.
Y is the current batch rate.
For us to get in in Dec... x= 1.83y
That's a lot more than the current rate, obviously...

Put another way...the current referral batch, x=> z where z=previous waits before, with z=(a+b)/2, to get the averages.

And what are the chances of that???

Yeah...that's what I thought. A snowball's chance...

Of course, what were the chances that this would have been my footwear yesterday in the Midwest, in October...

Sadly, if I had said that I'd get my referral when it was 85+ in October, I would have my referral in hand. Instead, I said I'd get my referral when hell froze over, so I don't think I'll be wearing these when I get referral...

So, seeing as I don't have good odds with RQ's poll numbers...when will hell freeze over? According to some very very smart people...wellllll, not for billions of years. Apparently, thanks to google, and P, who is very science oriented helping me in my search, the Sun will blow up and destroy Earth before it cools. And really, as long as the sun is around, the Earth won't cool enough for the core (the implied place of hell) to freeze. According to Boyle, hell is endothermic, so it can't freeze.

Well, Crap. I guess all I've got is that star out the back window...

(Do ya like the pedi? A treat for keeping the Sanity in the ISO(In)Sanity house...)