Something I Want To Share, #1

OK, I'm going to try to focus on happy, good things this week...at least until someone really really annoys the snot out of me.

Anyways, I've wanted to post this pic for awhile - P has an Aunt who lives out East...one of the few people in that family that aren't crazy. Anyways, she's an amazing person, and I love her to death. When she found out thru the grapevine that we were adopting, she called and spoke with P, asking about the room etc...

About 6 months later, this arrived in the mail (the day my neighbors 2nd child was born - the one that she got pregnant with a week or so after our paperwork went to China...the one that we said would "come home" the same time as H...Har.):

P's Aunt is an amazing quilter. She did this to match the theme of the room. It is so beautiful, and there is no way to convey that in pictures. This was so amazing, that I could not find any other quilter that I liked, and I asked her to do the sewing on H's 100 wishes quilt (yes, I thought that would be a fun project to pass the time). She did that one too, we got it when we got back from China. It is also amazing, but it is so big, it is currently confounding me as to how to photograph it so that y'all can see it.

I just saw on the news that the beautiful Musee de Orsay was broken into, and artwork damaged....I'm a serious francophile as it is. And a museum rat too. This is so disturbing. You have to be really piss drunk to think that is a good idea.

Now That I'm Not Trying to Achieve Zen...

Well, with the spa appointment blowout, I give up on my attempt to put last weekend behind me, and I now choose to embrace and relish the hell that is family and relive last weekend for y'all's amusement.

I preface this list of highlights with the comment "And they wonder why we don't make the 2 hour drive (the extended IL's) or the 2 hour flight (the MIL, FIL and SIL), that often..."

Ahhhhh...shall we just bullet point it, in no particular order?
At the party for the grandma:

• Cousin to P comes up, put his arm around me, starts chatting. He's back in town from AK. He's pretty cool now. So, he said he heard we had been in China, and he and girlfriend had been their last year...yadda yadda. I say "can't wait to go back, the sooner the better, even if it is snowing" (assuming everyone knows, seeing as it's been the only topic people have discussed with us since we showed up 2.5 hours before that)...oh, why are you going back in winter? To get H... "Oh, I didn't know you had decided to adopt for sure. My mom (the one who talks about each grandbaby first and foremost that they have her son's skintone - not the 1/2 Mexican mother's) said she didn't think you had decided where you wanted to adopt from, cause you didn't know what you wanted your baby to look like."
• The Grandma: "Don't get your heart set on anything. Even if you see a picture, don't look at it. I know so many people who have gone there, and then they don't give them a baby...they are Chinese you know. They want our money. So don't count on anything. Consider it a blessing if it happens." (Yeah, how many people in her demographic are adopting? She's 90 for pete's sake.)
• Well, if they get around to giving her to you, then you'll get pregnant. (They all know that with me it is absolutely impossible that this will occur)
• What about a Lithuanian baby? Auntie A works with people helping the Lithuanians - she can get you help.
• Holding baby that is fussing...You don't really want this, do you? - Another cousin
• (An Aunt after being told the names we've picked, and apparently having a discussion with P about what he sees as an abundant plethora of clothes - mostly girl - 1/2 hand me downs BTW - in the nursery closet) Well, we're going to hope for a Hxxxx then (the boy name)...what? Cause the whole boys are better thing? Which is so his family...or, cause you want me to have wasted my money?
• From an Uncle who travels ALL over the world: You didn't get sick in China? Really? Did you eat there? Cause I'm for sure that they spit in the food when it's for us people. I always get sick when I travel overseas, and got really sick there. (Yeah, ummmm, maybe because you are an ugly american who wants to barge into peoples homes and take pictures and think you can buy anything? Oh, and maybe because you know nothing about where you travel to...oh, and because you follow no precautions about basic food safety overseas...yes, you yak blood drinker, maybe that's really why you get sick?)

Back at the P&K ranch with the FIL, MIL and SIL:

• SIL (who did much better than I thought she would overall): "Well, now that you aren't going to bring her home this year, I'm going to have to talk to my boss again."

Me: Why?

SIL: Well, last year I kept vacation time so I could come visit H. And then I carried it to this year so I could come visit her. Now I'll have to carry it again. (She gets something obscene like 5 weeks too, BTW)

Me: Why don't you just use next year's?

SIL: Cause that would limit my real vacation options then.

OK, lady: 1. How long do you think you are staying here? 2. I'm sorry to cramp your style. 3. I'm sorry that I'm not living up to your timetable, cause you know, we're so close, you emailing me only like clockwork about 90 days before your bday and xmas, just to make sure I'm aware of your existance when I'm out gift shopping.

• MIL: If this doesn't happen, you aren't going to try to adopt from anywhere else, are you? (Yeah, cause if it isn't "easy", it's not worth doing.)
• FIL: We could all take a trip to S America next year or the year after, they are kinda long, about 17 days, but that could work. (Hello, dude?!?!)

Oh, and we had the SIL mocking the cats, and SIL not liking how the breakfast place did her pancakes (after a 5 minute discussion on why she can't have whipped cream ANYWHERE on her plate), and SIL not having enough vegetables in her Chinese food, etc etc etc...

OK, I've purged. It's out of my system. And if any of you are still reading - do ya see why we say that we live the perfect distance from all family, both sides???

*$@(#@ Spa

OK, so all crappy week, I've been looking forward to a 60 minute hot stone massage that P so kindly got me for my birthday. I was looking forward to the best time to use it, and I figured, the week after the inlaws left, before getting into 2 weeks of hell at work with the DMA show and all, that would be excellent! So, I booked for 3:30 tomorrow like, 2 weeks ago.

I get a call this morning. Oh, our technician can't come in this weekend or next weekend.

Bite me. I want my massage!!! I haven't had a massage in like 2 and a half years! They could have taken me mid afternoon today, but I'm working from home, and I won't, just to spite them. Also, if I have to rush and get all flustered, what's the point, huh?

So, I'm just going to not set it up for now, cause we're too busy, and that'll show them! They have the money and haven't provided any services...that'll teach them.

Pssssst....Here's a secret...

OK, so for my BlogWorld friends...I'm going to post this for a day or so, and then delete it, okay...

So, here's me and P in Shanghai last month.

(Picture removed by ISO(In)Sanity)

It's not the best pic, but, well, this is us...do I look like you think I would? (Now, remember, this was the last day of a 12 day whirlwind trip of touring, so be kind!)

This Must Be Karma

OK, what did I do in a past life? I must have been quite a bad person...maybe I sold slaves? Maybe I stole a kitten from a child? Maybe I was a lawyer?

This showed up in the mailbox last night, of all nights:

Yes, a baby shower invite for M2, the one having twins...the one who doesn't like little ones under a year old...the one who will have her children (plural) before me.

Maybe I was the one in a past life who said that chocolate was not a necessary part of the daily diet...I dunno, but I did something. Something baaaaaaaaddddd...

Anyways, I'm done PWP...Posting While Pissed. I think I was a bit melodramatic yesterday. But, it's totally how I felt, so I won't deny or delete...maybe it was the right thing to do. Maybe, I should have tempered my complaining until I took a breath. I dunno. I'm still not at the point to say yet anything positive like "Well, at least they are into December..." or "Even if they only did one day worth, I'd only be a little over a year away." or anything insipid like that, cause I'm done sugar-coating it.

Until the agency-that-holds-our-future-as-parents speaks, I'm not going to count anything as done this month. It's too odd. As usual, there are reports of families skipped, rumors they got to the 2nd, and other random hysteria. That's all because the ATHOFAP didn't anty up and just be upfront about where they are before they went and hung out on the beach for a week.

I guess we have to see what they do when they come back from vaca...

What do I say?

We know China did not make it to the 5th. We know they made it to 11/30. There are very few people by whatever anyone can tell between 12/1 and 12/4. By not covering 12/5, this was an absymally disgustingly small amount of referrals. But god forbid they tell us how bad it was. To put us in the place we need to be to come to terms with things...again. No we have to guess and network by the thousands to come up with answers.

I want to rant.

I want to scream.

I want to quit.

I'm too pigheaded to quit.

But I'm thinking about it. Husband will stop me though. That may give me safety to be running this thought thru my head now. He saves me from my own stupid thoughts sometimes.

I want to sob.

I want to curl up and not go to work. I want people to be coming over to the house, sitting next to me, brushing the hair out of my face, trying to convince me to move, eat, shower, talk, go to work, come have a drink...something...anything.
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But I can't. I can't do any of it. I can't find a desire to have people around me, let alone have a meaningful conversation. I can't sit here and take the easy way out and bitch about how shitty my in-laws were this weekend.

I can only listen to my heart beat. Feel my lungs fill with oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. I can blink my eyes and keep them focused. I can get up and feel my legs moving beneath me as I pass the time doing what I have to do in daily life.

I can't talk of all the reasons this wait is wrong. Plain wrong. I can't talk about how "paper-ready" or not, there are kids that need homes. I can't post about how my agency tells me nothing and knows nothing.

I can't do anything to make this ache in my heart and chest stop.

I can't do anything to control my future. It is out of my hands.

I can feel anger at my agency's convenient lack of knowledge. I can feel bile in the back of my throat that at many levels of this process, people are still being encouraged to "Sign up, come join us for a lovely little wait...there's plenty of children who need loving homes."

And I can feel fear.

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I decided this was how I wanted to direct my life almost 29 months ago...I wanted to be a mother. I don't want that other life anymore, though it has been a very nice life. I've turned my back on that old life. But I can't attain my new one. No amount of education, effort, willpower or drive can help me attain it. All my tools that have helped me so well in life are useless. All the things that I hope will make me a good mother to someone someday...the things that I want to teach dependence on, none of those qualities serve me in this wait.

I could end this post with the "But I can believe. I can know deep in my aching heart that my baby H is in China. That (s)he is waiting for me."

But I won't. I can't believe.

T-Minus 1 Day, 1 Hour, and Counting...

OK, the house is clean. The laundry is done. The ironing is done. The wish? Not done. Started...thinking has occurred, P has become involved. P has done the first exacto knifing that I needed for the "number" for the birthday to be celebrated.

And I've got his flipping death cold. But guess what? I still cleaned house and went to work, and will be going to work shortly. So, Mr Death Warmed Over On The Couch...ppppplllllllhhhhhbbbbbbbbbttttt!

Of course, I could lay on the couch when the relatives are here! :)

And of course, the CCAA hasn't even thrown us a bone. A measley knowing glance in our general direction. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I know we aren't in this month, but I've somehow gotten invested in the idea of November referral, travel in the first dawning days of '08...(yeah, nothing like setting myself up for disappointment, huh?)

They changed the review room date...again. I know that makes these people happy and relieved. I felt that a YEAR AGO this month, when we cleared that room. Hello? A year ago!

A year ago my friend, a few days ago plus that year, my good friends got their referral. A referral of twins. Amazing. I was screaming in the office when she called. These two little ones are amazing people. So are the parents, but they aren't as cute. I called P to tell him - he was on a business trip. I forgot that it was his first business trip overseas. Ergo, when I called, it was his first night in Germany..first middle of the night. Har! He didn't find it humorous at that point in time. I was soooo excited for them. I can't imagine what I'll feel when it's actually my turn.

Those friends were only 4.75 months ahead of us, LID-wise. And here we still sit, a year later. Still not knowing when we'll get a referral, and when. 6-8 months my butt, Agency.

OK, off to work, my last refuge before the descent into Family Madness Weekend. It's ok though, I need some material to rant about next week. And I'll have plenty, I'm sure. And I promise to post up some pics of the Gorges finally too - I've finally weeded the good from the bad on those too.

Thanks for letting me ramble...